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dolfan06
03-24-2002, 11:27 AM
> It's the first day of school in Houston and the teacher
thought she'd
: > get to
: > know the kids by asking them their name and what their father
does for a
: > living.
: > The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is
a postman."
: > The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a
mechanic."
: > Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is
a
: > striptease
: > dancer in a cabaret for gay men."
: > The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later
in the
: > school
: > yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it
was really
: > true
: > that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar. He blushed and said,
"I'm sorry
: > but
: > my dad is a QB for the buffalo bills and I was just too
embarrassed
: > to say so."
: >

dolfan06
03-24-2002, 11:32 AM
:)

dolfan06
03-24-2002, 11:44 AM
: > > One day a farmer's donkey fell into an abandoned
: > > well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the
: > > farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he
: > > decided the animal was old and the well needed to be
: > > covered up anyway; so it just wasn't worth it to him
: > > to try to retrieve the donkey.
: > > He invited all his neighbors to come over and help
: > > him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel
: > > dirt into the well.
: > > Realizing what was happening, the donkey at first
: > > cried and wailed horribly. Then, a few shovelfuls
: > > later, he quieted down completely.
: > > The farmer peered down into the well, and was
: > > astounded by what he saw. With every shovelful of
: > > dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing
: > > something amazing. He would shake it off and take a
: > > step up on the new layer of dirt.
: > > As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt
: > > on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take
: > > a step up. Pretty soon, the donkey stepped up over
: > > the edge of the well and trotted off, to the shock
: > > and astonishment of all the neighbors!
: > > Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of
: > > dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to
: > > not let it bury you, but to shake it off and take a
: > > step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping-stone.
: > > We can get out of the deepest wells just by not
: > > stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a
: > > step up!
: > > Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
: > > Free your heart from hatred.
: > > Free your mind from worries.
: > > Live simply.
: > > Give more.
: > > Expect less.
: > > Also, the donkey kicked the **** out of the guy that
: > > tried to bury him. Which brings me to another moral
: > > for this story: When you try to cover your ass, it
: > > always comes back and gets you.
: > >

dolfan06
03-24-2002, 11:47 AM
A salesman was traveling between towns in California and got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. Checking the spare, he found that it was flat, too. His only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the nearest town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window to the salesman, "Need a lift?" "Yes, I do," replied the salesman. "You a Democrat or Republican?" asked the old man. "A Republican," replied the salesman. "Go to Hell!" yelled the old man as he sped off.

The next to stop rolled down the window and asked the same question, to which the salesman gave the same answer "Republican." The driver gave him the finger and drove off.

The salesman thought it over, and decided that maybe he should change his approach, since there appeared to be few Republicans in this area. The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked him if he was a Democrat or Republican. "Democrat!" shouted the salesman. "Hop in!" replied the blonde.

Driving down the road, he couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to him. The wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs. Suddenly, he yells, "STOP THE CAR! STOP THE CAR!" She slams on the brakes, and, as soon as the car stops, he jumps out.

"What's the matter?" she asks. "I can't take it!", he replies. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody!"

Muck
03-25-2002, 03:06 AM
What do you call a girl who got run over by a truck??

Patty

dolfan06
03-25-2002, 03:20 PM
you go to alaska, where its real cold and go to a frozen lake and cut a hole in the ice and spinkle frozen peas around the hole.

when the bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the icehole!

dolfan06
03-26-2002, 04:09 AM
:D

Mack Daddy
03-28-2002, 06:26 PM
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been
run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you? asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean. "He couldn't do that to
you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a
terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't
you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing
of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

********************************************

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home
from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving
violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few
to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding
his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back,
your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there,
I thought I'd gone deaf."

*********************************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday
morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary, my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband
passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me,
Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

The End

:cool:

Dolfan984
03-29-2002, 06:03 PM
A salesman was traveling between towns in Texas and got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. Checking the spare, he found that it was flat, too. His only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the nearest town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window to the salesman, "Need a lift?" "Yes, I do," replied the salesman. "You a Democrat or Republican?" asked the old man. "A Democrat," replied the salesman. "Go to Hell!" yelled the old man as he sped off.

The next to stop rolled down the window and asked the same question, to which the salesman gave the same answer "Democrat." The driver gave him the finger and drove off.

The salesman thought it over, and decided that maybe he should change his approach, since there appeared to be few Democrats in this area. The next car to stop was a red pinto driven by a ugly old hag. She smiled kindly and asked him if he was a Democrat or Republican. "Republican!" shouted the salesman. "Hop in!" replied the old hag.

Driving down the road, he couldn't help but stare at the old hag in the seat next to him. The wind blowing through her stringy hair, lopsided breasts, and a mismatched skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs. Suddenly, he yells, "STOP THE CAR! STOP THE CAR!" She slams on the brakes, and, as soon as the car stops, he jumps out.

"What's the matter?" she asks. "I can't take it!", he replies. "I've only been a Republican for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody!"

iceblizzard69
03-29-2002, 06:46 PM
06 had the right version.

dolfan06
03-30-2002, 04:15 AM
i'm a democrat and screwing is my favorite pastime!:D

Dolfan984
03-30-2002, 05:25 AM
Yeah, there are different types of screwing.

The type of screwing you are talking about is a Democrat thing ;)

The type of screwing I am talking about is a Republican thing.

dolfan06
03-30-2002, 05:38 AM
Originally posted by Dolfan984
Yeah, there are different types of screwing.

The type of screwing you are talking about is a Democrat thing ;)

The type of screwing I am talking about is a Republican thing. i enjoy myself!:D

Dolfan984
03-30-2002, 05:40 AM
:lol: :lol: :lol:

Mack Daddy
03-31-2002, 04:38 PM
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that

there was a fortune in horse-racing, decided to purchase
one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going
price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey
instead.

He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it
in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third.
The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the
race again, and this time it won. The paper read:

PREACHER'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid
of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a
nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid
of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.
The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.


:cool:

dolfan06
04-02-2002, 11:19 AM
:D
http://www.debsfunpages.com/ch9.htm

dolfan06
04-04-2002, 11:39 AM
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me
> >
> > he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and
> >
> > threw it in the garbage.
> >
> > Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom
> >
> > and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a
> >
> > charming little smile,"We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it
> >
> > fell in
> >
> > the toilet a few days ago."

dolfan06
04-08-2002, 12:16 AM
Subject: Re: Fw: Funeral laugh
> >
> >
> >
> > > > > A well known cardiologist died, and an
> > > > elaborate
> > > > > funeral was planned. A
> > > > > huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the
> > > > > casket during the service.
> > > > > Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the
> > > > > casket rolled inside. The
> > > > > heart then
> > > > > closed sealing the doctor in the beautiful
> > > > heart
> > > > > forever.
> > > > >
> > > > > At that point, one of the mourners burst into
> > > > > laughter. When confronted, he
> > > > > said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
> > > > > funeral.....I'm a
> > > > > gynecologist."
> >

dolfan06
04-08-2002, 12:20 AM
:D

dolfan06
04-08-2002, 12:25 AM
>This ad appeared in a local newspaper -
>it turned lots of heads!!!
>
>SINGLE BLACK FEMALE
>SBF Seeks Male companionship, ethnicity
>unimportant.
>I'm a svelte good looking girl who LOVES
>to play.
>I love long walks in the woods.
>Riding in your pickup truck.
>Hunting
>Camping
>Fishing trips.
>Cozy winter nights spent lying by the
>fire.
>Candlelight dinners will have me eating
>out of your hand.
>Rub me the right way and watch me
>respond.
>I'll be at the front door when you get
>home from work,
>wearing only what nature gave me.
>Kiss me and I'm yours.
>Call 555-XXXX and ask for Daisy.
>
>(The phone number was the Humane
>Society, and Daisy
>was an eight week old black Labrador
>Retriever.)
>

dolfan06
04-08-2002, 03:24 PM
> Good, Bad, Ugly
> > >>>> > >
> > >>>> > > 1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
> > >>>> > > Bad: It's triplets.
> > >>>> > > Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
> > >>>> > >
> > >>>> > > 2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
> > >>>> > > Bad: She wants a divorce.
> > >>>> > > Ugly: She's a lawyer.
> > >>>> > >
> > >>>> > > 3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
> > >>>> > > Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
> > >>>> > > Ugly: So are you.
> > >>>> > >
> > >>>> > > 4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
> > >>>> > > Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
> > >>>> > > Ugly: You're in them.
> > >>>> > >
> > >>>> > > 5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
> > >>>> > > Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
> > >>>> > > Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.
> > >>>> > >
> > >>>> > > 6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
> > >>>> > > Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
> > >>>> > > Ugly: He looks better than you.
> > >>>> > >
> > >>>> > > 7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to
> your
> > >>>>daughter.
> > >>>> > > Bad: She keeps interrupting.
> > >>>> > > Ugly: With corrections.
> > >>>> > >
> > >>>> > > 8. Good: The postman is early.
> > >>>> > > Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a
> shotgun.
> > >>>> > > Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
> > >>>> > >
> > >>>> > > 9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
> > >>>> > > Bad: It's another man.
> > >>>> > > Ugly: He's your best friend.
> > >>>> > >
> > >>>> > > 10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
> > >>>> > > Bad: As a hooker.
> > >>>> > > Ugly: Your coworkers are her clients.
> > >>>> > > Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.
> > >>>> > >
> > >>>> > >
>

Frank-n-Furter
04-10-2002, 01:22 AM
>> >The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which
part
>> >of the human body increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No
>> >one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You
should
>> >not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell
my
>> >parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then
fire
>> >you!"
>> >
>> >With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks
ignored
>> >her and asked the question again, "Which part of the human body
>> >increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
>> >
>> >Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her,
"Boy,
>> >is she gonna get in big trouble!"
>> >
>> >The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,
"Anybody?"
>> >Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The
body
>> >part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil
of
>> >the eye."
>> >
>> >Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and
continued,
>> >"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
>> >(1) you have a dirty mind,
>> >(2) you didn't read your homework, and
>> >(3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
>> >
>
>


:rolleyes:

dolfan06
04-10-2002, 03:11 AM
:D

dolfan06
04-10-2002, 03:45 AM
:D

dolfan06
04-10-2002, 03:50 AM
:D

dolfan06
04-10-2002, 04:05 AM
:D

dolfan06
04-10-2002, 04:16 AM
:D

dolfan06
04-10-2002, 04:22 AM
:D

dolfan06
04-10-2002, 11:19 AM
:D

dolfan06
04-10-2002, 12:02 PM
:D

dolfan06
04-11-2002, 03:01 AM
:D

dolfan06
04-11-2002, 03:16 AM
:D

dolfan06
04-11-2002, 10:38 AM
:D

dolfan06
04-13-2002, 02:58 AM
A woman who had the worst chronic headache goes to a famous "new age"
holistic doctor, as a last resort.

"Doctor, I have tried everything, but my headache just won't go away."
The doctor replied, "You have come to the right place. This is what I
want you to do: go home, stare at yourself in the mirror, point your
index fingers at your temples, and repeat this mantra: "I really don't
have a headache, I really don't have a headache". Do it as long as it
takes, the headache is just going to vanish."

As she leaves the doctor's office, skeptical but curious at the same
time, she tries the maneuver in front of the mirror in the elevator.
Fingers pointed at her temples, she starts repeating "I really don't
have a headache, I really don't have a headache...". She has barely
said it four times, when she realizes her headache is gone.

Shocked and elated, she runs back up to the doctor. "Doctor, you are a
genius! Can I please send you my husband? He's been having problems in
a certain department... how can I put it... " "When was the last time
you two had sex?" "About eight years ago." "Send him over."

A few days later, she is waiting with baited breath for her husband to
come home from the doctor. He arrives, asks her to wait, and goes
straight to the bathroom. When he comes out, he throws her on the couch
and starts making wild passionate love to her. When he's finished, he
goes right back to the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes out,
rouses her from her bliss and starts at it again, like an insatiable
young man.

After another hour of great sex he goes and locks himself in the
bathroom again. At this point the wife has become unbearably curious.
She tiptoes to the bathroom door, looks through the keyhole, and sees
her husband, staring at himself in the mirror, fingers pointed at his
temples, repeating: "That woman is not my wife, that woman is not my
wife....."

dolfan06
04-13-2002, 05:30 PM
A man appears before the pearly gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it
on the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"A couple of minutes ago."

dolfan06
04-16-2002, 03:04 AM
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!


DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?

SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?

SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?


DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?

SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.

SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!


DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?

SAFER: Could we be overreacting?

SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.


DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?

SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.

SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?


And my personal favorite...

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?

SAFER: I hope you didn't over do it today.

SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!

dolfan06
04-16-2002, 03:06 AM
A Brief History Of Medicine

I have an earache.

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

dolfan06
04-17-2002, 03:02 PM
> An An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined
> and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was
> unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses,
> salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant
> Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
> Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass
> of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed.
> "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded
> the Grand Emir.
> "A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched
> Abdul, "A man is sitting on the well."
>

dolfan06
04-17-2002, 04:08 PM
A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi
at the airport after midnight.
While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch
her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed to be a witness.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband flipped on the lights, pulled the blanket back and
there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted "Don't
do it! This man has been very generous.
Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you? He did!
Who do you think paid for our new cabin cruiser? He did!
Who do you think pays our monthly country club dues you believe I budget
for? He does!"
The husband, looked over at the cab driver and said "What would you do
in a case like this?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold."

phins054
04-17-2002, 04:12 PM
A man was travelling east on Alligator Alley when he came across a priest carrying a gas can. Thinking that this could put him in Gods good graces, He decides to give the father a lift. They talk about a few subjects and eventually start to talk football. As it turns out, the priest is a HUGE phins fan. They also discuss their utter disdain for the Bills. After a few minutes, the man driving notices another person walking on the side of the road. Then he sees the BIG #11 bright blue Bills jersey. The man wants to scare the Bills fan by swerving around him...but with the priest in the truck, how can he?!? He decides that he will pretend to fall asleep at the wheel. So he starts to nod off and lets the truck drift ever soo slowly to the right. A few seconds pass then BAM!!!!! The man staightens bolt upright and wide eyed asking the priest "What happened!!! Did I run over that Bills fan???" The priest replied, "No...but you got close enough for me to hit him with my gas can!" :D

dolfan06
04-17-2002, 04:17 PM
thats a classic, i heard it was a mexican, but it's still funny!

phins054
04-17-2002, 05:50 PM
Just trying to be nice...Bills fans deserved to be picked on. :D

dolfan06
04-21-2002, 05:02 PM
>
> > MEN'S RULES
> >
> >
> >
> > We always hear "the rules" from the feminine side. OK
> > - we now hear the guys' side.
> >
> > These are our rules! Please note ... these are all
> > numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
> >
> > 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.
> > If it's up, put it down.
> >
> > 1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not
> > quests to see if we can find the
> > perfect present yet again!
> >
> > 1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with
> > it.
> >
> > 1. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you
> > are prepared to discuss
> > such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation,
> > and NASCAR.
> >
> > 1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the
> > changing of the tides. Let it be.
> >
> > 1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going
> > to think of it that way.
> >
> > 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything
> > you wear is fine. Really.
> >
> > 1. Crying is blackmail.
> >
> > 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
> > Subtle hints do not work.
> > Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not
> > work. Just say it!
> >
> > 1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and
> > anniversaries on a calendar.
> > Remind us frequently beforehand.
> >
> > 1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What
> > makes you think we'd be any
> > good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would
> > look good with your dress?
> >
> > 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to
> > almost every question.
> >
> > 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help
> > solving it. That's what we do.
> > Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
> >
> > 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
> > See a doctor.
> >
> > 1. Check your oil! Please.
> >
> > 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an
> > argument. In fact, all
> > comments become null and void after 7 days.
> >
> > 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret
> > girls, don't expect us to act like soap
> > opera guys.
> >
> > 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways,
> > and one of the ways makes
> > you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
> >
> > 1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's
> > genetic.
> >
> > 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us
> > how you want it done-not both. If
> > you already know best how to do it, just do it
> > yourself.
> >
> > 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to
> > say during commercials.
> >
> > 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and
> > neither do we.
> >
> > 1. The relationship is never going to be like it was
> > the first two months we were going
> > out. Get over it. And quit whining to your
> > girlfriends.
> >
> > 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default
> > settings. Peach, for
> > example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also
> > a fruit. We have no idea what
> > mauve is.
> >
> > 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
> >
> > 1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our
> > lack of mind-reading ability is
> > not proof of how little we care about you.
> >
> > 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we
> > will act like nothing's wrong.
> > We know you are lying, but it is just not worth
> > the hassle.
> >
> > 1. I'm in shape - ROUND is a shape.
> >
>
>

dolfan06
04-24-2002, 03:04 AM
A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

"Do you think," said one clergyman to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

dolfan06
04-29-2002, 11:10 AM
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would
come back & inform the other of the "after life" since
the woman's biggest fear was that their was no heaven.

Many years later, the husband was first to go and
true to his word he made contact.

"MARY....MARY!!!!"

"Is that you FRED?"

"Yes I have come back like we agreed...."

"What is it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have
breakfast....I have sex. I bathe in the sun then I
have sex twice. I have lunch then I have sex pretty
much all afternoon....then supper then sex till late
at night, sleep then start all over again!!!!!!"

"Oh FRED... You surely must be in heaven!"

"HELL NO ... I'M A RABBIT IN KANSAS!"

dolfan06
04-30-2002, 03:06 AM
Blonde Moments!

A Sailor met a good looking blonde at the bar and was
trying to get laid without much success.
"I don't date servicemen," she said, "but I am curious
as to why you sailors have those two rows of buttons
on your pants."
"Why, that's because we have two dicks," the sailor
replied.
"Interesting, probably twice as much fun," replied the
blonde, "let's go to my place and try them out."

So they did, and after the first screwing the blonde
says "Boy that was sure nice, now that I'm rested and
still horny, I want the other one."
Whereupon the sailor undid the other side of buttons,
pulled out a limp, weary dick, looked at it and sadly
declared "Well, I'll be damned! He's pouting because
he wasn't FIRST!"

dolfan06
04-30-2002, 03:16 AM
INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER

Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas
from Boston:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The
original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when
the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that
the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from
the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's
the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeño tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed
to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me
the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look
on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have
been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer
before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the
front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to
look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly
on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses
me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those
rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and
peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
inferno flames. I pooped myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut
Sally; she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like poop to match my
damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.

dolfan06
04-30-2002, 10:16 AM
:D

dolfan06
05-01-2002, 03:03 AM
Two good old boys, Bubba and Junior have just been
promoted from
Privates to
Sergeants. Not long after,they're out for a walk and
Bubba says, "Hey,
Junior, there's the NCO Club.
Let's you and me stop in and have a beer."

"But we's privates," protests Junior.

"We's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside.
"Now
Junior, I'm just gonna go in and sit down and have me
a drank."

"But, we's privates," says Junior.

"You blind, boy?" asks Bubba, pointing at his stripes.
"We's
Sergeants now."

So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker
comes up to Bubba.
"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you
some place and make
you
feel good but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers,
"Junior, go look
in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If
it's okay, give
me the okay sign."

Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba
the big
okay sign.

Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary
with a terrible
case
of gonorrhea. "Junior," he says, "What you give me the
okay for?"

"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only
affects the
privates." Then he pointed to his stripes and says,
"But we's
Sergeants now!

dolfan06
05-01-2002, 03:05 AM
The flight was coming into Dallas when a combination of mechanical errors
and unstable weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the ground.
The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally, the engines roared
back to life in time to prevent the plane from going splat on the ground.

As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate and
were stunned to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane. Finally the crew
got off the plane and the local manager of the airline came up to
congratulate him on his perseverance under extreme odds.

As the official and the pilot were talking, the official commented how
unusual it was that there were so many midgets on the flight. "Those
weren't midgets," the pilot replied. "Those were Texans with all the crap
scared out of them!"

dolfan06
05-01-2002, 03:08 AM
> Subject: The Taxidermist...
>
> A guy walked into a bar in Arkansas and ordered a
> white wine.
>
> Everybody sitting around the bar looked up, expecting
> to see some pitiful Yankee queer.
>
> The bartender looked up and said, "You ain't from around
> here, are ya? Where y'all from, boy?"
>
> The guy said, "I'm from Iowa."
>
> The bartender asked, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"
>
> The guy responded, "I'm a taxidermist."
>
> The bartender asked, "Now just what the heck is a
> taxidermist?"
>
> The guy said nervously, "I mount animals."
>
> The bartender grinned and shouted out to the whole bar,
> "It's okay boys, he's one of us! "
>

dolfan06
05-02-2002, 03:02 AM
In an apparent copycat terrorist act, a Polish terrorist, Stanley Bin Ladinsky, hijacked a Goodyear blimp. So far he has bounced off of five
buildings.

Marriage is like taking a hot bath. After you've been in it for a while... it isn't so hot.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'

If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is---- it's you.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."

dolfan06
05-03-2002, 03:05 AM
Fat Theology
-------------
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower
and spinach, green and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man
and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth
the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You
want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep
her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables
and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it
needed its own platter.

And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through
the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to
lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man
would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and
ESPN2.

And Man gained pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low
in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the
starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour
cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato
chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And Satan saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMOs.

dolfan06
05-03-2002, 11:05 AM
check it out: http://www.knology.net/~carlos/redneck.htm

dolfan06
05-03-2002, 11:10 AM
I sat in a movie theater, watching "Shindler's list," and asked myself, "Why
didn't the Jews fight back?" Now I know.

I sat in a movie theater, watching "Pearl Harbor" and asked myself, "Why
weren't we prepared?" Now I know.

Civilized people cannot fathom, never less predict, the actions of evil
people.
On September 11, dozens of capable airplane passengers allowed themselves to
be overpowered by a handful of poorly armed terrorists because they did not
comprehend the depth of hatred that motivated their captors.
On September 11, thousands of innocent people were murdered because too many
Americans naively reject the reality that some nations are dedicated to the
dominance of others.
Many political pundits, pacifists and media personnel want us to forget the
carnage. They say we must focus on the bravery of the rescuers and ignore
the cowardice of the killers. They implore us to understand the motivation
of the perpetrators. The major television stations have announced they will
assist the healing process by not replaying devastating footage of the
planes crashing into the Towers.
I will not be manipulated. I will not pretend to understand. I will not
forget. I will not underestimate the intelligence of our adversary who
patiently planned and meticulously orchestrated a devastating act of war. I
will not forget that the terrorist desire a world society where women are
chattel and freedom is forbidden.
I will not isolate myself from my fellow Americans by pretending an attack
on the USS Cole in Yemen was not an attack on me.
I will not forget the Clinton administration equipped Islamic terrorists and
their supporters with the world's most sophisticated telecommunications
equipment and encryption technology, thereby compromising America's ability
to trace terrorist radio, cell phone, land lines, faxes and modem
communications.
I will not be appeased with pointless, quick retaliatory strikes like those
perfected by the previous administration. I will not be comforted by
"feel-good, do nothing" regulations like the silly "Have your bags been
under your control?" question at the airport.
I will not forget the liberal media who abused freedom of the press to kick
our country when it was vulnerable and hurting.
I will not forget that ABC TV anchor Peter Jennings questioned President
Bush's motives for not returning immediately to Washington, DC and
commented, "We're all pretty skeptical and cynical about Washington."
I will not forget that CBS anchor Dan Rather preceded President Bush's
address to the nation with the snide remark, "No matter how you feel about
him, he is still our president."
And I will not forget the ABC's Mark Halperin warned if reporters weren't
informed of every little detail of this war, they aren't "likely -- nor
should they be expected -- to show deference."
I will not be influenced by so called, "antiwar demonstrators" who exploit
the right of expression to chant anti-American obscenities. I will not
forget the moral victory handed the North Vietnamese by American war
protesters who reviled and spat upon the returning soldiers.
I will not be softened by the wishful thinking of pacifists who chose
reassurance over reality.

I will embrace the wise words of Prime Minister Tony Blair who told Labor
Party conference,
"They have no moral inhibition on the slaughter of the innocent. If they
could have murdered not 7,000 but 70,000 does anyone doubt they would have
done so and rejoiced in it? There is no compromise possible with such
people, no meeting of minds, no point of understanding with such terror.
Just a choice: defeat it or be defeated by it. And defeat it we must."
I will force myself to:
-hear the weeping
-feel the helplessness
-imagine the terror
-sense the panic
-smell the burning flesh
-experience the loss
-remember the hatred
I sat in a movie theater, watching in quiet reverence as the blood of young
soldier's turned the sands of Normandy beach red in "Private Ryan" and asked
myself, "Where did they find the courage?"

Now I know.

We have no choice.
Living without liberty is not living.

dolfan06
05-06-2002, 02:32 PM
>A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.
>
>"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
>
>"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. It
>is not polite."
>
>"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
>
>"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really
>none of your business."
>
>Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
>
>"Those are enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away
>as the two friends begin to play.
>
>"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
>
>"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers
>license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
>
>Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you
>are, you are 32,"
>
>The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
>
>"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
>
>The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you
>learn that?"
>
>"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a
>divorce,"
>
>"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
>
>"Because you got an F in sex."

dolfan06
05-06-2002, 02:38 PM
> A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the
> >> > trooper
> >> > > started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began
>to
> >> >
> >> > throw
> >> > > his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
> >> > >
> >> > > Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as
>he
> >> > was
> >> > > doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around
>his
> >> >
> >> > head.
> >> > >
> >> > > The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are
> >> > ya?"
> >> > >
> >> > > The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said -
> >> > > "Well, yeah, if that's what they are, I never heard of circle
>flies".
> >> > >
> >> > > So the farmer says- "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See,
> >> > they're
> >> > > called circle flies because they're almost always found circling
> >> > around
> >> > the
> >> > > back end of a horse."
> >> > >
> >> > > The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then
> >> > after a
> >> > > minute he stops and says, "
> >> > > Hey---wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
> >> > >
> >> > > The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law
> >> > > enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a
> >> > horse's
> >> > > ass."
> >> > >
> >> > > The Trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to
> >> > writing
> >> > the
> >> > > ticket.
> >> > >
> >> > > After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies
>though."

dolfan06
05-07-2002, 03:00 AM
>The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment, to get their
>
> >parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The
>
> >next day the kids came back and one by one began telling their
>
> >stories. Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have lots of
>
> >egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a
>
> >basket on the front seat of the car. We stopped suddenly and the
>
> >basket went flying and the eggs all broke and made a mess."
>
> >
>
> >"What's the moral of the story?", asked the teacher. "Don't put
>
> >all your eggs in one basket", replied Ashley. "Very good," said
>
> >the teacher.
>
> >
>
> >Next little Susan raised her hand and said, "Our family are
>
> >farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a
>
> >dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we got only ten live
>
> >chicks, and the moral to this story is don't count your chickens
>
> >before they hatch."
>
> >
>
> >"That was a fine story Susan," said the teacher. Then the teacher
>
> >turned her attention to Bobby. "Do you have a story Bobby?"
>
> >
>
> >"Yes, ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt
>
> >Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.
>
> >She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a
>
> >bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the
>
> >whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed
>
> >right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them
>
> >with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then killed 20
>
> >more with the machete until the blade broke. And THEN she killed
>
> >the last 10 with her bare hands!"
>
> >
>
> >"Good lord!", said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did
>
> >your daddy tell you from that story?"
>
> >
>
> >"Stay the F@#K away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."
>
>

dolfan06
05-07-2002, 03:07 AM
NEW SERVICES

Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary
to hire a private investigator - Alan Pinkerton - for
protection. And that was the beginning of the Secret
Service.

Since that time, federal police authority has grown to a
large number of multi-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS,
DEA, BATF, etc.

Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport
Security Service."

Can't you see them now, these highly trained men and women
in their black jackets with their initials in large white
letters across their backs: "FATASS."

I feel safer already.

dolfan06
05-07-2002, 11:26 AM
TOP 13 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:
>
> > >
>
> > > 1.Pass My Shotgun
> > > 2.Psychotic Mood Shift
> > > 3.Perpetual Munching Spree
> > > 4.Puffy Mid-Section
> > > 5.People Make Me Sick
> > > 6.Provide Me with Sweets
> > > 7.Pardon My Sobbing
> > > 8.Pimples May Surface
> > > 9.Pass My Sweatpants
> > 10.Pissy Mood Syndrome
> > 11.Plainly; Men Suck
> > 12.Pack My Stuff
> > 13.Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
>

dolfan06
05-10-2002, 03:01 AM
> Subject: The Poker Player
>
>
> Two couples were playing cards one evening. John accidentally dropped
> some cards on the floor.
>
> When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that
> Bill's wife Sue, legs spread wide, wasn't wearing any underwear!
> Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on
> the table and emerged red-faced.
>
> Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
> Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked
> under there?"
>
> Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, indeed
> he did.
>
> She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."
>
> After taking a minute or two to assess the financial as well as the
> moral costs of this offer, John indicates that he is indeed interested.
> She tells him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and
> John doesn't, that John should be at her house around
> 2.00 Friday afternoon.
>
> When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house for the
> planned time with Sue at 2:00 PM sharp and after paying her the agreed
> sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their sexual
> transaction as Sue had promised.
>
> Afterwards, John quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home
> from work at 6:00 PM and upon entering the house, asked his wife
> abruptly, "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
>
> A little worried, Bill's wife answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a
> few minutes this afternoon."
>
> Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did
> he give you $500?"
>
> In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after
> mustering up her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did
> give me $500."
>
> Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
> "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and
> borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this
> afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
>
> NOW THAT'S A POKER PLAYER! ! !
>
>

dolfan06
05-10-2002, 03:03 AM
Subject: Babies




A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas
City to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time.

Your mother can explain it to you."

dolfan06
05-13-2002, 09:50 AM
>
> Subject: mirror picture
> >
> > After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an
> > old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the
> > stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.
> >
> > Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that!
> > Here's a picture of my daddy."
> >
> > He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife,
> > Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and
> > every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and
> > look at it.
> >
> > Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.
> > One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the
> > mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's
> > the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."
>--------- End Original Message ---------

BigDoug
05-14-2002, 01:33 AM
How many Protestants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None: They're all condemned to eternal darkness.

dolfan06
05-15-2002, 02:56 AM
There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."

Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You
were close but no free sex this time".

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex". The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week".

dolfan06
05-15-2002, 11:30 AM
>A woman went to her doctor's office. She
>was seen by one of the new doctors,
>but after about 4 minutes in the
>examination room, she burst out
>screaming
>and ran down the hall.
>An older doctor stopped her and asked
>what the problem was, and she
>explained. He had her sit down and relax
>in another room.
>The older doctor marched back to the
>first and demanded, "What's the matter
>with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old,
>she has four grown children and seven
>grandchildren, and you told her she was
>pregnant?"
>The new doctor smiled smugly as he
>continued to write on his clipboard.
>"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it ?
>

dolfan06
05-19-2002, 07:07 PM
>You've got to know about Skoal to
>appreciate this one. For you
>non-Texans..the container for this
>'snuff' is very large,flat and
>round, and the cowboy carries it in his
>back jean pocket)
>
>Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New
>Yorker) confided to her
>sorority sisters she had three goals for
>her trip to the Lone Star
>State. She wanted to taste some real
>Texas Bar-B-Que, take in
>a bona fide rodeo, and have sex with a
>real cowboy.
>
>Upon her return, her sorority sisters
>were curious as to how she
>fared. "Let me tell you, they have a
>tree down there called a
>Mesquite and when they slow cook that
>brisket over that Mesquite,
>it's oh so good. The taste is
>unbelievable!"
>
>"And, I went to a real rodeo...Talk
>about athletes! Those guys
>wrestle full grown bulls! They ride
>horses at a full gallop then
>jump off the horses and grab the bulls
>by the horns and throw them
>to the ground! It is just incredible!"
>
>They then asked, "Well tell us, did you
>have sex with a real
>cowboy?"
>
>"Are you kidding? Once I saw the outline
>of the condom they carry
>in the back pocket of their jeans, I
>changed my mind!"
>

dolfan06
05-19-2002, 07:08 PM
If you love something, set it free.
>
> If it comes back, it will always be yours.
> If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
> BUT. . ..
> If it just sits in your living room,
> Messes up your stuff,
> Eats your food,
> Uses your telephone,
> Takes your money,
> And doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free.
>
> Then, You either married it or gave birth to it!
>
>
>

dolfan06
05-22-2002, 02:59 AM
Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician claimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to have Horatio the Physician arrange it and that he would gladly pay the 1,000 gold coins for the chance to satisfy his desires for the Queen.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's massive brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer had the antidote present to cure the itch. King Arthur quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put it into his mouth, and for the next four hours, worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer could have cared less, and-knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made. The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into King Arthur's loincloth. King Arthur quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer......

dolfan06
05-22-2002, 03:03 AM
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.
After 70, they become Afghanistan. Almost everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.

dolfan06
05-22-2002, 02:11 PM
Understanding Democrats' Version of Tax Cuts. If you don't understand the
Democrats' version of tax cuts (and you are not alone), this will explain it
for you:



50,000 people go to a baseball game, but the game was rained out.



A refund was then due. The team was about to send out refunds when the
Democrats stopped them, and suggested that they send out refund amounts
based on the Democrats' interpretation of fairness. After all, if the
refunds were made based on the price each person paid for the tickets, most
of the money would go to the richest people. That would be unconscionable.



The Democrats' plan says: People in the $10 seats will get back $15, because
they have less money to spend. People in the $15 seats will get back $15,
because that's only fair. People in the $25 seats will get back $1, because
they already make a lot of money and don't need a refund. People in the $50
luxury seats will have to pay another $50, because they have way too much to
spend. The people driving by the stadium who couldn't afford to watch the
game will get $10 each, even though they didn't pay anything in, because
they need the most help Now we hope that you all understand how your tax
refund will work if the democrats take over the Congress.

dolfan06
05-24-2002, 03:00 AM
Remember this when you are having what you think is a bad day.
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio,
his wife nearby in the kitchen. While sitting on the
bike and racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally
slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto
the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through
the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband
cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio
door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a
fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet
the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to
right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted
up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the
toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at
the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went
into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while
attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his
legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her
husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his
trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she
once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was
dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance
they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.
They started laughing so hard, one slipped, tipping the stretcher and
dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking
his arm.

dolfan06
05-24-2002, 03:26 AM
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two
thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding
madly.
The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.

dolfan06
05-24-2002, 03:29 AM
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil
spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most
expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild
amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view,
a killer whale ate them both.

dolfan06
05-24-2002, 03:30 AM
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking
frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire
running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him
awayfrom the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of
wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been
happily listening to his Walkman.

_________________ STILL think you're having a bad day?

dolfan06
05-24-2002, 03:32 AM
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter
bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now,
feeling better?

dolfan06
05-25-2002, 07:50 PM
Two women go out one weekend without their husbands.
As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the
urge
to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery.
Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off
her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them.

The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my
panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the
phone,
and one says to the other:

" We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good
last night, my wife came home without her panties...".
The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to
her ass that read, "We will never forget you".

dolfan06
05-25-2002, 08:51 PM
LIFE AS A FEMALE BEAR

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months.
I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.
I could deal with that, too.

Your cubs are born while you're asleep, and you know nothing about it
until you wake up in the spring. They've also completely taken care of
themselves until then. Hey,
sounds like a winner to me!

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat
anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you can swat
them too.
I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He
EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. In fact, he LOVES
you that way!

I wanna be a bear.

dolfan06
05-27-2002, 09:46 PM
This just in



Toilet stolen from police station. Cops have nothing to go on.

dolfan06
05-30-2002, 04:04 PM
> Maalox and nose drops and needles for
> knitting,
> Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
>
> Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
> These are a few of my favorite things.
>
> Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and
> glasses,
> Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in
> glasses,
> Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with
> swings,
> These are a few of my favorite things.
>
> When the pipes leak,
> When the bones creak,
> When the knees go bad,
> I simply remember my favorite things,
> And then I don't feel so bad.
>
> Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for
> bunions,
> No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
> Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they
> bring,
> These are a few of my favorite things.
>
> Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of
> sinnin,
> Thin bones and fractures and hair that is
> thinin,
> And we won't mention our short shrunken
> frames,
> When we remember our favorite things.
>
> When the joints ache, when the hips break,
> When the eyes grow dim,
> Then I remember the great life I've had,
> And then I don't feel so bad.
>
> I hope your life is great

dolfan06
05-31-2002, 03:03 AM
> To ensure we Americans never offend anyone - - - - particularly
>fanatics
> > > intent on killing us - airport screeners will not be allowed to
>profile
> > > people. They will continue random searches of 80-year-old women,
>little
> > > kids, airline pilots with proper identification, Secret Service
>agents
> > > who are members of the President's security detail, 85-year old
> > Congressmen
> > > with metal hips, and Medal Of Honor winning former Governors.
> > >
> > > Let's pause a moment and take the following test:
> > >
> > > In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and
>massacred
>by:
> > > > > (a)Olga Korbut
> > > > > (b)Sitting Bull
> > > > > (c)Arnold Schwartzeneger
> > > > > (d)Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and
>40
> > > > >
> > > > > In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
> > > > > (a)Lost Norwegians
> > > > > (b)Elvis
> > > > > (c)A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
> > > > > (d)Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and
>40
> > > > >
> > > > > During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnaped in Lebanon
>by:
> > > > > (a)John Dillinger
> > > > > (b)The King of Sweden
> > > > > (c)The Boy Scouts
> > > > > (d)Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and
>40
> > > > >
> > > > > In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
> > > > > (a)A pizza delivery boy
> > > > > (b)Pee Wee Herman
> > > > > (c)Geraldo Rivera making up for a slow news day
> > > > > (d)Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and
>40.
> > > > >
> > > > > In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked, and a 70
>year
>old
> > > > > American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard by:
> > > > > (a)The Smurfs
> > > > > (b)Davy Jones
> > > > > (c)The Little Mermaid
> > > > > (d)Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and
>40.
> > > > >
> > > > > In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a U.S. Navy
>diver
> > was
> > > > > murdered by:
> > > > > (a)Captain Kid
> > > > > (b)Charles Lindberg
> > > > > (c)Mother Teresa
> > > > > (d)Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and
>40.
> > > > >
> > > > > In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
> > > > > (a)Scooby Doo
> > > > > (b)The Tooth Fairy
> > > > > (c)Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid.
> > > > > (d)Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and
>40.
> > > > >
> > > > > In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:
> > > > > (a)Richard Simmons
> > > > > (b)Grandma Moses
> > > > > (c)Michael Jordan
> > > > > (d)Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and
>40.
> > > > >
> > > > > In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed
>by:
> > > > > (a)Mr. Rogers
> > > > > (b)Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women
>problems
> > > > > (c)The World Wrestling Federation to promote "Mustapha the
> > > > Merciless"
> > > > > (d)Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and
>40.
> > > > >
> > > > > On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked and destroyed and
>thousands
> > of
> > > > > people were killed by:
> > > > > (a)Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck, and Elmer Fudd
> > > > > (b)The Supreme Court of Florida
> > > > > (c)Mr. Bean
> > > > > (d)Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and
>40.
> > > > >
> > > > > In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
> > > > > (a)Enron
> > > > > (b)The Lutheran Church
> > > > > (c)The NFL
> > > > > (d)Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and
>40.
> > > > >
> > > > > In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
> > > > > (a)Bonnie and Clyde
> > > > > (b)Captain Kangaroo
> > > > > (c)Billy Graham
> > > > > (d)Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and
>40.
> > > > >
> > > > > Nope, no patterns here.
> > >
> >

dolfan06
05-31-2002, 03:06 AM
>Blind Date
>
>
>A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town,
>doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.
>Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.
>"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and
>I charge $20 for sex," she said.
>The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly
>paid her, and they did their thing.
>After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the
>window.
>"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
>"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but
>I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

dolfan06
06-04-2002, 03:03 AM
love

A guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately,
he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is only 9 years
old.
One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They
have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep
on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk.
As you might expect things start to heat up.
The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his
girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she
wants a new position.
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
She screams.
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Whoa!!!
PULL IT OUT!!!
PULL IT OUT NOW!!!
I can't get pregnant!
Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you
guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting
mayonnaise all over my face!"

dolfan06
06-04-2002, 03:18 AM
An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and
>dined
>by the State Department. The Grand Emir was not used to the salt in
>American
>foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies , etc.) and was constantly
>sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
>
>Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water,
>but
> then came the time when he returned empty handed.
>
> "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand
> Emir.
>
> "A thousand pardons, O illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul,
> "A man is sitting on the well."
>

dolfan06
06-05-2002, 03:07 AM
> > LITTLE BILLY ON ...GETTING OLDER
> >
> > Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench
> > munching on
> > one candy bar after another.
> > After the 6th one, a man on the bench across
> > from
> > him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy
> > isn't
> > good for you. It will give
> > you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
> > Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to
> > be
> > 107 years old."
> > "Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather
> > eat 6
> > candy bars at a time?"
> > "No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own
> > f*****g business!!"

dolfan06
06-05-2002, 03:09 AM
> LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY
> >
> > A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds
> > sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them,
> > how
> > many will be left?"
> > She calls on little BILLY.
> > He replies, "None, they will all fly away with
> > the
> > first gunshot."
> > The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4,
> > but I
> > like your thinking."
> > Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for
> > YOU.
> > There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice
> > cream: One is delicately licking the sides of
> > the
> > triple scoop of ice cream. The second is
> > gobbling
> > down the top and sucking the cone. The third
> > is
> > biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one
> > is
> > married?"
> > The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies,
> > "Well,
> > I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top
> > and
> > sucked the cone."
> > To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct
> > answer
> > is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I
> > like
> > your thinking."

dolfan06
06-05-2002, 03:10 AM
> > LITTLE BILLY ON... MATH:
> >
> > Little BILLY returns home from school and says
> > he
> > got an F in arithmetic.
> > "Why?" asks the father."
> > "The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said
> > 6,"
> > replied BILLY.
> > "But that's right!" says his dad.
> > "Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is
> > 3x2?'"
> > "What's the f*****g difference? " asks the
> > father.
> > "That's what I said!"
> >

dolfan06
06-05-2002, 03:12 AM
> > LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH:
> >
> > Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher
> > says,
> > "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable
> > words,
> > class. Does anybody have an example of a
> > multi-syllable word?"
> > BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate."
> > Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little
> > BILLY,
> > that's a mouthful."
> > Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're
> > thinking
> > of a blowjob."

dolfan06
06-05-2002, 03:14 AM
> LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR:
> > One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the
> > teacher asked for a show hands from those who
> > could
> > use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence
> > twice.
> > First she called on little Suzie, who responded
> > with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful
> > dress
> > and she looked beautiful in it."
> > "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She
> > then
> > called on little Michael.
> > "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it
> > turned
> > out beautifully."
> > The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!"
> > Then,
> > she reluctantly called on little BILLY.
> > "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister
> > told my
> > father that she was pregnant, and he said
> > "Beautiful, just f******g beautiful!"
> >

dolfan06
06-06-2002, 03:02 AM
Hello! You have reached the automated answering
service of your
child's
>school. In order to assist you in connecting to the
right staff
member,
>please listen to all options before making a
selection:
>
>To lie about why your child is absent, Press 1.
>
>To make excuses for why your child did not do his/her
work, Press 2.
>
>To complain about what we do, Press 3.
>
>To cuss out staff members, Press 4.
>
>To ask why you did not get needed information that
was already
enclosed in
>your newsletter and several bulletins mailed to you,
Press 5.
>
>If you want us to raise your child, Press 6.
>
>If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit
someone, Press 7.
>
>To request another teacher for the third time this
year, Press 8.
>
>To complain about bus transportation, Press 9.
>
>To complain about school lunches, Press 0.
>
>If you realize this is the real world and your child
must be
>accountable/responsible for his/her own behavior,
class work,
homework, and
>that it is not the teacher's fault for your child's
lack of effort,
please
>hang up and have a nice day!!

dolfan06
06-06-2002, 03:05 AM
> BILL GATES' SPEECH TO MT. WHITNEY HIGH SCHOOL - Visalia, California.
> Worthwhile reading for anyone. Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail
> on the head with this! To anyone with kids of any age, or anyone who has
> ever
> been a kid, here's some advice Bill Gates recently dished out at a high
> school speech about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school.
> He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a
> generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set
> them up for failure in the real world.
>
>
>
> Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it.
>
> Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect
> you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
>
> Rule 3: You will NOT make $40,000 a year right out of high school; You
> won't
> be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
>
> Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
>
> Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents
> had
> a different word for burger flipping-they called it opportunity.
>
> Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about
> your mistakes, learn from them.
>
> Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are
> now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and
> listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain
> forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the
> closet in your own room.
>
> Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life
> has
> not. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give
> you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear
> the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
>
> Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and
> very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that
> on
> your own time.
>
> Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to
> leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
>
> Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
>

dolfan06
06-07-2002, 03:13 AM
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the Veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in it's ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The Vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccuring she should go to the store and buy some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the duggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."!

The druggist then says, "Don't ride your bicycle for at least a week."!

dolfan06
06-11-2002, 11:06 AM
This is cute...enjoy!
> >
> > ITS GOOD TO BE A MAN!
> >
> > Your last name stays put.
> >
> > The garage is all yours.
> >
> > Wedding plans take care of themselves.
> >
> > Chocolate is just another snack.
> >
> > You can be president.
> >
> > You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
> >
> > Car mechanics tell you the truth.
> >
> > You don't give a rat's butt if someone doesn't notice your
new
> > haircut.
> >
> > The world is your urinal.
> >
> > You never have to drive to another gas station because
this one's
> > just too icky looking.
> >
> > Same work... more pay.
> >
> > Wrinkles add character.
> >
> > You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch
> > adjustments.
> >
> > Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
> >
> > People never stare at your chest when you're talking to
them.
> >
> > The occasional well-rendered belch is practically
expected.
> >
> > New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
> >
> > One mood, ALL the time.
> >
> > Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
> >
> > You know stuff about tanks.
> >
> > A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
> >
> > You can open all your own jars.
> >
> > You can leave the motel bed unmade.
> >
> > You can kill your own food.
> >
> > You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness.
> >
> > Your underwear is $6.95 for a three-pack.
> >
> > If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
> >
> > Everything on your face stays its original color.
> >
> > You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's
seat.
> >
> > Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
> >
> > You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is
coming.
> >
> > You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours
without ever
> > thinking: "He must be mad at me."
> >
> > You don't mooch off other's desserts.
> >
> > You are not expected to know the names of more than five
colors.
> >
> > You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a
nut on a
> > bolt.
> >
> > You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
> >
> > You don't have to shave below your neck.
> >
> > Your belly usually hides your big hips.
> >
> > One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
> >
> > You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife or your teeth.
> >
> > You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
> >
> > Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives,
on
> December
> > 24th, in 45 minutes.
>

dolfan06
06-11-2002, 11:08 AM
how can you tell when an muslim boy becomes a man?


when he takes his diaper off his butt and wraps it around his head!

dolfan06
06-13-2002, 04:01 PM
> >A man was out walking one day and went by a retirement home. As he
>passed the front lawn, he saw 9 old ladies basking in the sun in lounge
>chairs. When he looked closer he realized that they were all stark naked.
>He went to the door and rang the bell. When the director answered the
>door, the man asked if he realized there were 9 naked old ladies laying in
>the sun on the front lawn.
> > > > >The director said, "Yes" and went on to explain that the old
>ladies> were all retired prostitutes living at the retirement home, and
>they were having a yard sale.
>

dolfan06
06-15-2002, 03:34 AM
> > It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of
> > carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same
> > neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he
> > was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and
> > sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
> >
> > At the second house they presented him with a box of fine
> > cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of
> > terrific fishing lures.
> >
> > At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly
> > beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the
> > hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind
> > him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his
> > mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
> > When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed
> > him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry
> > waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
> >
> > When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming
> > coffee.
> > As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out
> > from under the cup's bottom edge.
> > "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but
> > what's the dollar for?"
> >
> > "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today
> > would be your last day, and that we should do something special for
> > you. I asked him what to give you."
> >
> > He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar! "
> > The blonde then said, "The breakfast was my idea"
> >

dolfan06
06-16-2002, 02:52 PM
:D

dolfan06
06-19-2002, 03:03 AM
:D

dolfan06
06-19-2002, 03:07 AM
> A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has to go
>to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and don't
>talk about private matters in public.
>
> At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what
>to say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his
Mom
>had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns
>to the little girl and says, "Will you excuse me. I have to go powder my
>nose". And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the
washroom.
>
> When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks, "Did you
>powder your nose?"
>
> "Yes" said the little boy, stepping back into the sandbox.
>
> "Well then" says the little girl, "You'd better close your purse because
> your lipstick is hanging out."
>

dolfan06
06-20-2002, 09:26 AM
The New Student



It was the first day of school in Alabama and a new foreign-exchange
student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth
grade.


The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said
"Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"


She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, "Patrick Henry, 1775."


She then said, "Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the
people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?"


Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said
Suzuki.


The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki,
who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."


She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs." "Who said that?" she demanded!


Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."


At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."


The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"


Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."


Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"


Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,
"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"


Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little ****. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you."


Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra
Levy, 2001!"


The teacher fainted. And, as the class gathered around the teacher on the
floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we're in BIG trouble!


And Suzuki said, "Arthur Andersen, 2002"








The New Student



It was the first day of school in Alabama and a new foreign-exchange
student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth
grade.


The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said
"Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"


She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, "Patrick Henry, 1775."


She then said, "Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the
people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?"


Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said
Suzuki.


The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki,
who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."


She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs." "Who said that?" she demanded!


Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."


At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."


The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"


Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."


Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"


Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,
"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"


Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little ****. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you."


Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra
Levy, 2001!"


The teacher fainted. And, as the class gathered around the teacher on the
floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we're in BIG trouble!


And Suzuki said, "Arthur Andersen, 2002"








vThe New Student



It was the first day of school in Alabama and a new foreign-exchange
student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth
grade.


The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said
"Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"


She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, "Patrick Henry, 1775."


She then said, "Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the
people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?"


Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said
Suzuki.


The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki,
who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."


She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs." "Who said that?" she demanded!


Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."


At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."


The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"


Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."


Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"


Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,
"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"


Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little ****. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you."


Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra
Levy, 2001!"


The teacher fainted. And, as the class gathered around the teacher on the
floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we're in BIG trouble!


And Suzuki said, "Arthur Andersen, 2002"

dolfan06
06-21-2002, 03:13 AM
:eek:

dolfan06
06-21-2002, 03:14 AM
:D

dolfan06
06-21-2002, 04:31 AM
There was this fellow who worked in a post office whose
job it was to process all mail that had illegible
addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed
in a shakey handwriting to God.

He thought, "Oh boy, better open this one and see what
it's all about." So he opened it and read: "Dear God, I
am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had a 100 dollars
in it which was all the money I had until my next
pension check.

"Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my
friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have
nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn
to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?"

The postal worker was touched, and went around showing
the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his
wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he
made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they
put into an envelope and sent over to her.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow
thinking of the nice thing they had done. Easter came
and went, and a few days later came another letter from
the old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was
opened. It read: "Dear God, How can I ever thank you
enough for what you did for me?
Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely
dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I
told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way,
there was 4 dollars missing. It was probably those
thieving bastards at the post office."

clayton83
06-22-2002, 01:09 AM
a blonde girl is flying down the freeway in her car and she notices blinking lights in her rear view mirror so she pulls over to the curb.

the cop walks up to her window and unzips his fly.

she says, oh know, not another breathalizer test!! :eek: :lol:

dolfan06
06-23-2002, 05:09 PM
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

dolfan06
06-26-2002, 03:59 PM
>
Don't Fart in Bed!!!!
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing
> > > > > so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.
> > > > > This is a story about a couple who had been
> > > > > happily married for years.
> > > > > The only friction in their marriage was the
> > > > > husband's habit of farting loudly every morning
> > > > > when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife
> > > > > and the smell would make her eyes water and
> > > > > make her gasp for air.
> > > > > Every morning she would plead with him to
> > > > > stop ripping them off because it was making
> > > > > her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it
> > > > > and that it was perfectly natural. She told
> > > > > him to see a doctor; she was concerned that
> > > > > one day he would blow his guts out.
> > > > > The years went by and he continued to rip them out.
> > > > > Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was
> > > > > preparing the turkey for dinner and he was
> > > > > upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl
> > > > > where she had put the turkey innards and neck,
> > > > > gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a
> > > > > malicious thought came to her.
> > > > > She took the bowl and went upstairs where
> > > > > her husband was sound asleep and, gently
> > > > > pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
> > > > > back the elastic waistband of his underpants
> > > > > and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his
> > > > > shorts.
> > > > > Some time later she heard her husband waken
> > > > > with his usual trumpeting which was followed
> > > > > by a blood curdling scream and the sound of
> > > > > frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
> > > > > The wife could hardly control herself as
> > > > > she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in
> > > > > her eyes! After years of torture she
> > > > > reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
> > > > > About twenty minutes later, her husband came
> > > > > downstairs in his bloodstained underpants
> > > > > with a look of horror on his face.
> > > > > She bit her lip as she asked him what was
> > > > > the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right.
> > > > > All these years you have warned me and I
> > > > > didn't listen to you."
> > > > > "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well,
> > > > > you always told me that one day I would end
> > > > > up farting my guts out, and today it finally
> > > > > happened. But by the grace of God,
> > > > > some Vaseline, and these two fingers,
> > > > > I think I got most of them back in.

dolfan06
06-26-2002, 04:02 PM
How to call the police
George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and he said no.
Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in
my shed.
Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them
all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence.
Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
(True Story)

dolfan06
06-29-2002, 03:13 AM
It has been studied and determined that the most often used sexual
>position for married couples is the doggie position.
>
>The husband sits up and begs and the wife rolls over and plays dead

dolfan06
06-30-2002, 01:44 AM
One day God was looking down at Earth

and saw all of the evil that was going on.

He decided to send an angel down to

Earth to check it out.





So he called on a female angel and sent

her to Earth for a time. When she

returned she told God, yes it is bad

on Earth, 95% are bad and

about 5% are good.



.

Well, he thought for a moment and said

maybe I had better send down a male

angel to get both points of view. So God

called a male angel and sent him to Earth

for a time. When the male angel returned he

went to God and told him yes the Earth is in

decline, 95% are bad and 5% are good.






God said this is not good. He decided to

E-mail the 5% that were good and encourage

them ,a little something to keep them going.



Do you know what that e-mail said?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?


?

?

?

?

?

You didn't get one either?

dolfan06
06-30-2002, 09:22 PM
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster
than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in
front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all
the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions
while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order
double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and
then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of
dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to
screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call
from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten
and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the
word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin
meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines
with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on
"Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and
dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a
broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called
rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests
it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of
that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck
together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite
of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the
terminal?

***In case you needed further proof that the human
race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual
label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and
that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No
purchase necessary.Details inside. (the shoplifter
special)?

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular
soap." (and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion:
Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do
not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:"Product will be
hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes
on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car
or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction
accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with
head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or
outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the
other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this.
I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions:
Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly
Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this
garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame
the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain
with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this
happening somewhere?)

dolfan06
06-30-2002, 11:40 PM
This fellow had owned this large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back forty,
had it fixed up nice, picnic tables,
horse shoe courts, basketball court, etc.
The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down
to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while
and look it over. As he neared the pond,
he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women
skinny dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence
and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him,
"We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here
to watch you ladies swim or get out of the pond,
I only came to feed my alligators!"

dolfan06
07-01-2002, 12:01 AM
The Texan
>
>
>
>A Texan buys a round of drinks for all the folks in a barthat his wife has
>just produced a "typical" Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
>
>
>
>Congratulations are showered upon him from all around, and exclamations of
>
>"WOW!" fill the air.
>
>
>
>A woman faints nearby from sympathy pains.
>
>
>
>Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender asks, "Say,
>
>aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at
>birth?"
>
>
>
>"Yep, that's me," replies the Texan.
>
>
>
>"Well, how much does he weigh now?"
>
>
>
>"Seventeen pounds," answers the proud father.
>
>
>
>"Seventeen pounds?" says the puzzled bartender. "What happened? He weighed
>
>25 pounds at birth."
>
>
>
>The Texas father takes a slow swig from his Lone Star Beer, wipes his
>
>mouth on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and with his southern
>accent
>
>and deep voice says, "Had him circumcised."
>

dolfan06
07-03-2002, 03:13 AM
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if
it was dead or alive.
"Dead." She was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child
innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it
didn't move."

dolfan06
07-03-2002, 03:16 AM
Subject: Fw: Rules from the male side



We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.


1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining
about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we
can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married
women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not
> work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a
calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be
any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your
dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to
answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

> 1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
>
> 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
> for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
>
> 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
>
> 1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
>
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's
wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the haste.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster
trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or
some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying anyway.)

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together.
No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

1. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

dolfan06
07-03-2002, 11:02 AM
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....
"Da-ad...."
"What?
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......
"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

dolfan06
07-03-2002, 11:08 AM
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally
asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and
out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake,
Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

dolfan06
07-03-2002, 11:09 AM
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her
son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a
tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said.
"I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big
sissy."

dolfan06
07-03-2002, 11:11 AM
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's
sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was
wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned
over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

dolfan06
07-03-2002, 11:12 AM
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came
into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She
said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy"
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

dolfan06
07-03-2002, 11:13 AM
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus
five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is
nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son
of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was,
two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

dolfan06
07-03-2002, 11:15 AM
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to
her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to
warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the
farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that
farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy ****! A
talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

dolfan06
07-09-2002, 07:48 PM
NINETEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN
By Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping
pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason
why the human race has not achieved, and never will
achieve, its full potential, that word would be
"meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and
"mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with
you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe
with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to
humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a
person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way
to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is
always one individual who perceives a solution and is
willing to take command. Very often, that individual is
crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up
and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most destructive force in the universe is
gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a
clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight
savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that
even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant
unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her
at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop
expecting other people to make a big deal about your
birthday. That time is age eleven.

16. The one thing that unites all human beings,
regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or
ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL
believe that we are above average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized
protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the
waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important.
Pay attention. It never fails.)

19. Your friends love you anyway.

dolfan06
07-11-2002, 07:37 PM
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

dolfan06
07-12-2002, 08:29 PM
Dennis Miller said recently, regarding the judges who declared
the Pledge of Allegiance unconstitutional:
"So, Your Honor, the Pledge is unconstitutional because it
says 'Under God'. Guess that means when you were sworn in with
your hand on a Bible, and at the end of your oath repeated, 'So
Help Me God' that makes your job unconstitutional, therefore you
have no job, which means your ruling doesn't mean ****."

dolfan06
07-17-2002, 07:42 PM
> > Subject: Not Good
: > > > >
: > > > >
: > > > >
: > > > > A man takes his wife to the State Fair and one of the
exhibits is
: > that
: > > > > of breeding bulls. They come up to the first pen and
there is a
: sign
: > > > > that says "This Bull mated 50 times last year."
: > > > > The wife pokes her husband in the ribs and says "He
mated 50 times
: > >last
: > > > > year." They walked a little further and see another
pen with a sign
: > >that
: > > > > says "This Bull mated 120 times last year." The wife
hits her
: > husband
: > > > > and says "That's more than twice a week! You could
learn a lot from
: > > > > him." They walk further and a third pen has a Bull
with a sign
: > saying
: > > > > "This Bull mated 365 times last year." The wife gets
really excited
: > >and
: > > > > says "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn
something from this
: > > > > one." The husband looks at her and says...."Go up and
ask him if it
: > >was
: > > > > with the same cow."
: > > > >
: > > > > After many surgeries and years of therapy, he is now
able to walk
: > and
: > > > > talk again.
: > > > >

dolfan06
07-18-2002, 12:48 AM
LOST PARAGRAPH IN GENESIS....

So God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"






Adam said "I don't have anyone to talk to."

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be woman.

God said, "This person will:

Gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make.

She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

She will not nag you.

She will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had
a disagreement.

She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history.

dolfan06
07-18-2002, 08:43 AM
*** And Your name is ??



A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he
> glanced
> up
> > and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she
> was
> > heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat
> right
> > beside his.
> >
> > Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or
> > vacation?"
> >
> > She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
> > Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
> >
> > He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
> sitting
> > next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
> >
> > Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's you business role at this convention?"
> >
> > "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the
> > popular myths about sexuality."
> >
> > "Really," he smiled. "What myths are those?"
> >
> > "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that the French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.
> We have found that the best potential lovers in all categories is the
> Southern Redneck."
> >
> > Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name."
> >
> > "Tonto", the man said. "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me
> Bubba".
>

dolfan06
07-18-2002, 11:06 PM
>Dennis Miller said recently, regarding the judges who declared
>the Pledge of Allegiance unconstitutional:
>
>"So, Your Honor, the Pledge is unconstitutional because it
>says 'Under God'. Guess that means when you were sworn in with
>your hand on a Bible, and at the end of your oath repeated, 'So
>Help Me God' that makes your job unconstitutional, therefore you
>have no job, which means your ruling doesn't mean sh..."

dolfan06
07-23-2002, 01:12 AM
Sid and Al were sitting in a Mexican restaurant.
"Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in Mexico?"
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the
waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any
Mexican Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied,
and he went into the kitchen.
He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No
Mexican Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and
went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe
there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered
everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Mexican
Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot
believe there are no Mexican Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied
exasperated.
"We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and
grape Jews, but no one ever heard of Mexican Jews!"

dolfan06
07-23-2002, 01:15 AM
A minister has just died and is standing in line waiting to be judged and admitted to Heaven. While waiting he asks the man in front of him about himself. The man says, "I am a taxi driver from Noo Yok Siddy."

Suddenly the angel standing at the gate calls out next, and the taxi driver steps up. The angel hands him a golden staff and a cornucopia of fruits, cheeses and wine and lets him pass. The taxi driver is quite pleased, and proceeds through the gates.

Next, the minister steps up to the angel and the angel hands him a wooden staff and some bread and water. The minister is very concerned and asks the angel, "That guy is a taxi driver and gets a golden staff and a cornucopia! I spend my entire life as a minister and get nothing! How can that be?"

The angel replies, "Up here we judge on results, all of your people sleep through your sermons, in his taxi, they pray."

dolfan06
07-23-2002, 01:20 AM
A man met a beautiful lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She
protested, "But we don't know anything about each other". He replied "That's
all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a very nice
resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed
up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the
water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three
rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the
water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay
down on his towel.

She said, "That was incredible!'.

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see I told you we'd
learn more about our selves as we went along".

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so
fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly
be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did
laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly. After thirty laps,
completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel,
barely breathing hard.

He said 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

'No' she said, 'I was hooker in Wheeling West Virginia and I worked both sides
of the river."
>

dolfan06
07-23-2002, 01:24 AM
Enjoy this one!

Subject: GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE



GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE
LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's
lap.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down
there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
hat you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask
you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . .not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

dolfan06
07-24-2002, 01:23 AM
Subject: Fwd: cop joke
>
>An Alexander County Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about 2 miles north of
>the Missouri state line. When the Deputy asked the driver why he was
>speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he
>was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to be
>late. The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the
>driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a
>ticket. The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on
>ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
>
>The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car
>and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the
>deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
>
>While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad
>car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over
>to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in. The deputy observed him
>doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the
>drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "Might as well take
>my ass on to jail, theres no way in hell I can pass that test."
>

dolfan06
07-24-2002, 01:24 AM
If you had bought $1,000 worth of Nortel stock one year
ago, it would now be worth $49.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.

With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had bought $1,000 worth of Budweiser (the beer,
not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned
in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.

Based on the above, my current investment advice is to
drink heavily and recycle.

dolfan06
07-26-2002, 08:32 AM
:D

dolfan06
07-28-2002, 08:58 PM
The secret checklist for a happy marriage.
>
> 1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
>
> 2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
>
> 3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
>
> 4. It is important that these three women never meet.
>

dolfan06
07-29-2002, 07:34 PM
> Hit the Floor
> >
> >
> > For anyone who didn't see David Letterman's take on this: And it's
a
> >true story...
> >
> > On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of
> >quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner
with
> >her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash
the
> >quarters in her
> > room.
> >
> > "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and
> >carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator. As she was about to
walk
> >into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard.
> > Both were black. One of them was tall...very tall...an intimidating
> >figure.
> > The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob
me.
> > Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly
nice
> >gentlemen.
> > But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.
> > She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered
and
> > ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but Gosh, they had to
know
> >what she was thinking!!! Her hesitation about joining them in the
elevator
> > was all too obvious now.
> >
> > Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a
mighty
> >effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed
with
> >the other foot and was on the elevator.
> >
> > Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the
elevator
> >doors as they closed. A second passed, and the another second, and
then
> >another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed
her.
> >My God,
> > she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart
plummeted.
> >
> > Perspiration poured from every pore. Then one of the men said, "Hit
the
> >floor." Instinct told her to do what they told her.
> > The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and
> >collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her.
Take
> >my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed.
> >
> > She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell
us
> >what
> > floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it
had
a
> > little trouble getting the words out.
> >
> > He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted
her
> > head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her
up.
> > Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my friend here to
hit
> >the
> > floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the
> >elevator
> > button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor,
ma'am."
He
> >spoke
> > genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time
not
> >laughing.
> >
> > The woman thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself.
She
was
> > to humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but
words
> > failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable
gentlemen
> >for
> > behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what
to
> >say.
> >
> > The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her
> > bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted
on
> >walking her
> > to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they
were
> >afraid
> > she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a
good
> > evening.
> >
> > As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with
laughter
> >as
> > they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off.
She
> > pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her
husband.
> >
> > The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen
roses.
> > Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card
> > said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."
> >
> > It was signed;
> >
> > Eddie Murphy
> > Michael Jordan
> >

dolfan06
07-30-2002, 12:08 AM
Tina Bobbit (Lorena Bobbitt's sister), was arrested yesterday for trying
to do the same thing to her husband that her famous sister had done
several years ago. But Tina was not as accurate as Lorena. She missed
the target and stabbed her husband in the upper leg, causing severe muscle
and tendon damage.


*She has been charged with a Misdeweiner.

dolfan06
07-30-2002, 12:10 AM
Getting into Heaven
>
>
> "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale
> and gave all my money
> to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked
> the children in my Sunday School class.
>
> "NO!" the children all answered.
>
> "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard,
> and kept everything neat
> and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
>
> Again, the answer was, "NO!"
>
> "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy
> to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get
> me into Heaven?"
>
> I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!"
>
> "Well", I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
>
> A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"
>
>

dolfan06
07-30-2002, 11:50 PM
Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup", in honor of one of the nation's most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year.

When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied, "I don't know. I never had one".

Clinton lacked only three things to have become one of America's finest leaders:
Integrity, Vision, and Wisdom.

Clinton did the work of three men: Moe, Larry & Curly

Revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know".

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. Both should be changed regularly, and for the same reason!

dolfan06
07-30-2002, 11:56 PM
How old is Grandma?
--------------------

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current
events. The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the
shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandma replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born, before
television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact
lenses, Frisbees and the pill. There was no radar, credit cards, laser
beams or ball-point pens.

Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes
dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man
hadn't yet walked on the moon.

Your Grandfather and I got married first-and then lived together. Every
family had a father and a mother. Until I was 25, I called every man
older than I, 'Sir'- and after I turned 25, I still called policemen and
every man with a title, "Sir.' We were before gay-rights,
computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy. Our
lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common
sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to
stand up and take responsibility for our actions Serving your country
was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege. We
thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening
breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the
evenings and weekends - not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters,
yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack
Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. And I don't ever
remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk. The term
'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of. We had 5 &
10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were
all a nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your
nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600 but who could afford one? Too
bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day, "grass" was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink, "pot" was
something your mother cooked in, and "rock music" was your grandmother's
lullaby. "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, "chip" meant a
piece of wood, "hardware" was found in a hardware store, and "software"
wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed
a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused"
and say there is a generation gap.....

and how old do you think I am ???.....

Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at
the same time.

*********************************************************************

This Woman would be only 58 years old!

dolfan06
07-31-2002, 12:02 AM
Southern Talker


After a tourist had been served in a Las Vegas
cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and
said, "Miss, would y'all kindly give me a piece of
ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever
had!" gasped the young lady. Then she smiled and
added, "Sure, why not? It's pretty slow here right
now, so let's go!"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man
sat down at the same table and the waitress asked,
"Will there be anything else?"

"Yes," replied the tourist. "Where ah come from in
Alabama, we lack our bourbon 'n watuh cold, so ah
still need a piece uh ass for mah drink."

dolfan06
07-31-2002, 12:06 AM
Sven & Ole

Un day, Sven vas valking down da street ven who did
he see driving a brand new Chevrolet? It vas Ole.
Ole pulled up to him vit a vide smile.
"Ole, vere did you get dat car?" Sven asked.
"Lena gave it to me."
"She gave it to you? I knew she vas sweet on you,
but dis?"
"Vell, let me tell you vat happened. Ve vere
driving out on country road 6, in da middle of novere.
Lena pulled off da road into da woods. She parked,
got out of da car, trew off all her clothes and said
"Ole, take vatever you vant."
"So I took da car."
"Ole, your a smart man, dem clothes never voulda fit
ya."

clayton83
07-31-2002, 11:54 AM
A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting
in rural Minnesota.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a
farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an
elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and
asked him what he was doing.

The attorney responded, "I shot a duck
and it fell in this field, and now I'm going in to
retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property,
and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best
trial attorneys in the US and, if you don't let
me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently,
you don't know how we do things in Minnesota.
We settle small disagreements like this with
the Minnesota-Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is this three-kick Rule?"

The farmer replied, "Well, first! I kick you three
times and then you kick me three times, and
so on, back and forth, until someone gives
up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed
contest and decided that he could easily take
the old codger. He agreed to abide by the
local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the
tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first
kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into
the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose
off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly
when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly
caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will
and managed to get to his feet and said,
"Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up.
You can have the duck."
:o

clayton83
07-31-2002, 11:58 AM
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now ...cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now, I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... "All passengers, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She heard her little darling continue... "For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.."

dolfan06
07-31-2002, 07:39 PM
that was a GOOD ONE!:lol:

dolfan06
07-31-2002, 07:40 PM
> > A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big
> > mega-department store looking for a job.
> >
> > The manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says,
> > "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas.'
> >
> > Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You can start
> > tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
> >
> > His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
> > store was locked up, the boss came down.
> >
> > "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.
> >
> > The kid says, "One."
> >
> > The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a
> day.
> >
> > How much was the sale for?"
> >
> > The kid says, $101,237.64."
> >
> > The boss says, $101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
> >
> > The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
> > medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold
him
> > a
> > new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he
> said
> > down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went
> down
> > to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.
> Then
> > he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him
down
> > to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Blazer."
> >
> > The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
> > boat and truck?"
> >
> > The kid says, 'No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife
> > and
> > I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot -- you might as well go fishing.'
> >
> >
>
>
>

dolfan06
07-31-2002, 07:42 PM
A female police officer pulls a man over for driving under the
influence of alcohol.

She places him under arrest and says, "You are under arrest.
Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The man replied, "Tits!"

dolfan06
08-01-2002, 11:17 PM
Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money.
The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make
100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels "feel" as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 2002:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?

Teaching Math in 2010:
Un maderero vende un camión de madera de construcción por $100. La cuesta de production es..........

dolfan06
08-02-2002, 08:47 AM
Dear Ma and Pa:
>
>Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother
>Walt and Brother Elmer the Army
>beats working for Old Man Minch a mile.
>Tell them to join up quick before
>maybe all the places are filled.
>
>I was restless at first because you got
>to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but am
>
>getting so I like to sleep late.
>
>Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before
>breakfast is smooth your cot and shine
>some things -- no hogs to slop, feed to
>pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire
>to lay. Practically nothing. You got
>to shave, but it is not bad in warm
>water.
>
>
>Breakfast is strong on trimmings like
>fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, but
>kind
>of weak on chops, potatoes, beef, ham,
>steak, fried eggplant, pie and
>regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer
>you can always sit between two city
>boys that live on coffee. Their food
>plus yours holds you till noon, when you
>
>get fed. It's no wonder these city boys
>can't walk much.
>
>We go on "route marches," which, the
>Sgt. says, are long walks to harden
>us. If he thinks so, it is not my place
>to tell him different. A "route march"
>is
>about as far as to our mailbox at home.
>Then the city guys all get sore feet
>and we ride back in trucks. The country
>is nice, but awful flat.
>
>The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He
>nags some. The Capt. is like the
>school board. Cols. and Gens. just ride
>around and frown. They don't
>bother you none.
>
>This next will kill Walt and Elmer with
>laughing. I keep getting medals for
>shooting. I don't know why. The
>bull's-eye is near as big as a chipmonk
>and don't move. And it ain't shooting
>at you, like the Higsett boys at home.
>
>All you got to do is lie there all
>comfortable and hit it. You don't even
>load
>your own cartridges. They come in
>boxes. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer
>to
>hurry and join before other fellows get
>onto this setup and come stampeding
>in.
>
>Your loving Son, <?xml:namespace prefix
>= o />
>
> Zeb
>
> P.S.
>
> Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200
>for barn roof and ma's teeth. The
> city boys shoot craps, but not very
>good!

dolfan06
08-03-2002, 01:24 AM
Subject: A Woman's Random Thoughts
>
> > 1. If you love something, set it free. If it comes
> > back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come
> > back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it
> > just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff,
> > eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your
> > money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had
> > set it free...You either married it or gave
> > birth to it.
> >
> > 2. Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day,
> > someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
> >
> > 3. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves
> > completely.
> >
> > 4. The best way to forget all your troubles is to
> > wear tight shoes.
> >
> > 5. The nice part about living in a small town: When
> > you don't know what you're doing, someone
> > else always does.
> >
> > 6. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along
> > came today.
> >
> > 7. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then
> > I regain consciousness.
> >
> > 8. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a
> > while and it shrinks two sizes!
> >
> > 9. They keep telling us to get in touch with our
> > bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I
> > heard from it the other day after I said, Body,
> > how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in
> > vigorous toning? Clear as a bell my body said, Listen
> > fatty ... do it and die.
> >
> > 10. I read this article that said the typical
> > symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse
> > buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding?
> > That's my idea of a perfect day.
> >
> > 11. If men can run the world, why can't they stop
> > wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the
> > day by tying a noose around your neck?
> >

dolfan06
08-03-2002, 01:26 AM
>Subject: Fw: Welfare
>
>
>A lady walks into the welfare office, trailed by 15...Kids
>"Wow," the social worker exclaims, "are they all yours???"
>"Yes, they're all mine," the tired momma sighs, having heard that question
>a thousand times before.
>"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up.
>"I'll need all their names."
>"This one is my oldest--he's Leroy." "OK, and who's next?"
>"Well, this one's Leroy, also."
>The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the
>oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the
>eldest girl, also named Leroy!
>"All right...I'm seeing a pattern here...Are they ALL named Leroy?"
>"Well, yes--it's actually really convenient. When it's time for dinner, I
>just yell 'Leroy!' and they all come running. And if I need to stop the kid
>who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and the kid, whoever he
>is, stops in his tracks. It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all
>Leroy."
>The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead
>and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not
>the whole bunch?"
>"Ah, that's easy," said the mother. "Then I call them by their last names."

dolfan06
08-09-2002, 08:47 AM
>
> >A third grade teacher asked her students to use the
> word "fascinate" in
> a
> >sentence.
> >
> >Molly said. "My family went to the New York City
> Zoo and we saw all
> > the animals. It was fascinating."
> >
> >Teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to
> use the word
> "fascinate".
> >
> >Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to
> the Statue of
> >Liberty and I was "fascinated."
> >
> >Teacher said, "Well, that was also good, Sally, but
> I am looking for
> the
> >word 'fascinate.'"
> >
> >Juanito raised his hand. The teacher hesitated
> because Juanito was
> >still learning English. She finally decided there
> was no way he could
> >damage the word 'fascinate,' so she called on him.
> >
> >Juanito said, "My seester has a sweater with ten
> buttons, pero her
> >tetas are so freaking beeg, she can only fasten
> eight."
>

dolfan06
08-10-2002, 12:54 PM
An American Airlines flight enroute from Los Angeles to JFK airport was
diverted to Kansas City yesterday when a passenger was noticed attempting
to light a fuse protruding from his rectum. Flight attendant Bunny
Haggarty said she noticed the man seated in an aisle seat had dropped his
pants and had raised up and was holding a cigarette lighter between his
legs.

"I thought he was trying to light a fart," said Haggarty, "like our
pilots are always doing on layovers. Then I saw this string-like thing
hanging
from his ass, and I got scared." Haggarty immediately called for
assistance. Several male passengers subdued the man before he was able to
light the fuse.

After landing in Kansas City, authorities found the man's colon was
stuffed with military grade C-4 explosives. FBI agents stated that it
would have been a complete catastrophe if the passenger had succeeded in
lighting the fuse. The passenger, Mohammed bin Ali el Batout Nabeel Sin
Abba Rahim Mansour Ali Baba, age 25, was carrying fourteen passports from
various Middle Eastern countries. Asked why he had stuffed himself full of
plastic explosives, Ali Baba stated, "I was planning to blow the **** out
of the plane. I wanted to kill all the Americans and Jews to show that we
are a peace-loving people!"

Airport security agents in Los Angeles remembered seeing Ali Baba as he
boarded the American Airlines flight. They were a bit concerned because
his name would not fit on the front of the ticket, he was wearing a
checkered tablecloth as a hat, looked like he was ready to kill someone,
was reading an al-Quaeda training manual, and had on a "F--- America" tee
shirt.

However, according to Federal Airport Security standards, individuals
cannot be profiled for additional security simply because they are young
Middle Eastern men.

The security supervisor Leroy Jackson said he was somewhat concerned with
the way Ali Baba walked. "Hell, the guy waddled like he had a stick of
dynamite up his ass. Had I not been on the phone with my probation
officer, I might have checked this guy out some more but we want and need
complete diversity in our passenger screening.

Anyway, we think the flight crews on those planes pose more of a
threat to safety than one raghead with an exploding ass. That's why you
can always find one of them pilots in bare feet waiting for his shoes to be
X-ray'd. I love seeing the look on their faces when we make them do that.
I just hope they don't give them guys guns 'cause they might want to even the
score."

Federal officials are now referring to this latest terrorist attempt as a
"butt bomb." Security experts believe this could be even more difficult
to detect than the primitive "shoe bomb" used by terrorist Richard Reid.
"I'm not sure how we're going to check for 'butt bombs'," stated Jackson.
"We don't have the technology to do it, but somehow we've got to check in
the interest of safety.

I think we should start with flight crews first."

dolfan06
08-10-2002, 05:10 PM
:idea:

dolfan06
08-12-2002, 12:12 AM
Subject: Fw: Nacho Cheese

A Mexican family crosses over the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are paved with gold. But the husband can find no work.

His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray: "Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family..." Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the BLACK man coming over the top of the hill, who is stumbling wildly with a broken grocery sack. When the Mexican man opens his eyes, a large wheel of cheddar cheese rolls down the hill and lands at his feet!

"Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you!" he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home.

Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make nachos.

"But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things?" she inquires. "No," the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a message...As I ran home, I kept hearing Him yell, "THAT'S NACHO CHEESE! THAT'S NACHO CHEESE!"

dolfan06
08-15-2002, 12:01 AM
The "Compassionate" Lawyer:

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when
he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop
and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.

"But, sir I have a wife and two children!"

"Bring them along! replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said,
"Come with us."

"But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the limo, which was no easy task considering how many
passengers were now in the car. Once underway, one of the poor fellows
said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my house is almost a foot
tall."

dolfan06
08-18-2002, 05:38 PM
I got some bad news today.

I went to the doctor for my annual physical.

I found out that I have furniture disease.

For those of you who are not familiar with furniture disease .....

it's happens when you reach the stage in life that

Your chest slides down into your drawers!

dolfan06
08-18-2002, 05:40 PM
Subject: grandpaw


There is a merry family gathering with all generations around the
table.
The little children (naughty little rascals) smuggle a Viagra
tablet
into Grandpa's drink. After a while, Grandpa excuses himself
because
he
has to go to the bathroom.

When he returns, however, his trousers are wet all over.

"What happened, Grandpa?" he is asked by his concerned children.

"Well," he answers, "I had to go to the bathroom. I took it out,
but
then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!"

dolfan06
08-19-2002, 07:59 PM
Some of these are pretty good.......


Q. What's a mixed feeling?
>A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

>

>Q. What's the height of conceit?

>A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

>

>Q. What's the definition of macho?

>A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

>

>Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

>A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

>

>Q. Why is a divorce so expensive?

>A. Because it's worth it.

>

>Q. What is a Yankee?

>A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

>

>Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?

>A. Their balls are just for decoration.

>

>Q. What is the difference between "oooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?

>A. About three inches.

>

>Q. What's the difference between purple and pink?

>A. The grip.

>

>Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

>A. It's not hard.

>

>Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

>A. 45 pounds.

>

>Q. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

>A. 45 minutes.

>

>Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

>A. Breasts don't have eyes.

>

>Q. What is the difference between medium and rare?

>A. Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

>

>Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance

> than improving their minds?

>A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

>

>Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

>A. They don't have balls to scratch.

>

dolfan06
08-19-2002, 11:15 PM
Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up
to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but
rolled
directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water
parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly
toward
the same water hazard. It landed right in the centre of the pond and kind
of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and
chipped the ball onto the green.


The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over
the
fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a
truck
and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack
close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto
the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to
the
pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily
pad,
where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a
lily
pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped
down
and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the
frog
squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the
cup
for a hole in one.


Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."

dolfan06
08-20-2002, 08:04 PM
The 10 things men know (for sure) about women!!!


1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10. They got Boobs!......

dolfan06
08-21-2002, 11:32 PM
A man, walking along a California beach, was deep in prayer. All of a
sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish." At once, the sky
clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because
you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one
wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over
anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the
logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach
the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can
do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly
things. Take a
little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would
honor and glorify me." The man thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times.
All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I
could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they
are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what
they mean when they say "nothing", and how I can make a woman truly
happy."

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that
bridge?"

baccarat
08-22-2002, 08:04 PM
What will it take to get the Beatles togather again?
2 bullets

dolfan06
08-22-2002, 10:56 PM
the beatles never were my favorite group either!

Sabre Ally
08-25-2002, 02:48 PM
06, I just wanted to say that I enjoy your jokes.

dolfan06
08-25-2002, 04:20 PM
thanks ally! a lot of em i get sent to me and i just post em here!

dolfan06
08-29-2002, 01:17 AM
you know why there were only 5000 mexicans at the alamo?







they only had two cars!

Capt. Dick
08-29-2002, 09:50 AM
Originally posted by dolfan06
you know why there were only 5000 mexicans at the alamo?







they only had two cars!


:lol: :lol: :lol:

dolfan06
08-29-2002, 09:41 PM
ya know how the grand canyon was created?






they had a jewish convention and somebody lost a quarter!

clayton83
08-31-2002, 10:04 PM
geeez 06, i am suprised the whiney liberal nazis are not here yet demanding your ousting. what's up, are they all gone?


THE SPERM:

all the sperm are hanging out in the sack, playing cards, yuking it up, and grab a$$ing.

except stanley, who as always is off by himself, jogging in place, doing sit ups and pumping iron.

everyone agrees that stanley is stuck on himself and very arrogant.

so one day, as stanley is off to himself, doing his routine, the other sperm decide to aproach him. they ask, hey stanley, were all sperm here, why do you ignore us and spend all your time pumping iron and working out. are you just an a$$hole who's to good for us?

stanley replies, not at all, but as you know, only one sperm out of the millions of us in here makes it in to fertilize the egg and you have to be damn strong and fast to accomplish that task. i fully plan on being that sperm!

the others listen to his speech but go back to grab a$$ing.

soon, the whole place starts shaking and all the sperm start heading up the pipe, stanley of course being the first one out.

half way up, here comes stanley running back down towards them yelling stop!! stop!! go back!! it's a blow job!!

:D :o :lol: :eek:

Sabre Ally
09-04-2002, 08:26 PM
liberal and nazi are opposite terms.

i doubt any nazi would get upset at the posting of a jewish joke.

dolfan06
09-05-2002, 10:49 PM
do you know why scots make good defensive football players?








they focus on getting the quarterback!

dolfan06
09-06-2002, 09:17 PM
ya know why god created shetland ponies?









so mexican cowboys could have lowriders!

dolfan06
09-09-2002, 07:37 PM
May be repeat.....
If you know the Bible -- even a little -- you'll find this hilarious!
This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions
about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the
bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or
corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in).
1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating
the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called
Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

4. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel
like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

7. Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went
up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

9. The first commandment was when Eve told adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the
hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to
stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. he fought with
the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna
Carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found
Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others
before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by
sweat alone."

20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get
the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which
is another name for marriage.

clayton83
09-10-2002, 04:47 PM
you sure it wasn't those freaky t.v. preachers that said this stuff?


THE PROSTITUTE:

a man is taking a short cut home at night down a very dark street on the bad side of town.

a prostitute comes up and says, i'll do ya for 20 bucks!!

the guy thinks for second and then says, what the hell, i have never been with hooker before!

so they duck into a allyway and start humpin'. soon, a policeman aproaches and shines a light down in the pair. the cop asks, hey, what are you doing there?

the man says, i am making love to my wife!

the cop says, oh, i'm sorry, i didn't realize.

the man says, i didn't either untill you shined the light down here!! :lol: :o

dolfan06
10-04-2002, 09:59 PM
how many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip ice cream?





1 to stir, and 2 to peel the M&Ms

dolfan06
10-05-2002, 10:51 PM
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN...
>
>Wine her,
>
>Dine her,
>
>Call her,
>
>Hug her,
>
>Support her,
>
>Hold her,
>
>Surprise her,
>
>Compliment her,
>
>Smile at her,
>
>Listen to her,
>
>Laugh with her,
>
>Cry with her,
>
>Romance her,
>
>Believe in her,
>
>Cuddle her,
>
>Shop with her,
>
>Give her Jewelry,
>
>Bring her flowers,
>
>Hold her hand,
>
>Write love letters to her,
>
>Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.
>
>HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN....
>
>Show up naked,
>
>Bring Food.

Dolfan984
10-06-2002, 03:08 AM
Nazi's were one of the most conservative groups of all times.

Saying someone is a liberal nazi is an oxymoron.

Like Saber said, liberal and nazi are opposite terms, just like liberal and conservative are.

That is all.

dolfan06
10-08-2002, 01:57 AM
Never let it be said that Boeing maintenance crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints (Squawks) by Boeing pilots and the corrective action recorded by field mechanics.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(P) stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log,
(S) stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: There is no autoland installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 2 engine missing. (note: the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
S: Engine found on left wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

dolfan06
10-09-2002, 07:47 PM
> A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he
> > > > > wanted to marry her
> > > > > > right
> > > > > > away.
> > > > > > > > She protested, "But we don't know anything about
> > > > > each other."
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about
> > > > > each other as we
> > > > > go
> > > > > > > > along."
> > > > > > > > So she consented, and they were married, and
> > > > > went on a honeymoon
> > > > > to
> > > > > a
> > > > > > very
> > > > > > > > nice resort. One morning, they were lying by the
> > > > > pool when he got
> > > > > up
> > > > > > off
> > > > > > > > his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and
> > > > > did a two and a
> > > > > half
> > > > > > tuck
> > > > > > > > gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost
> > > > > without a ripple.
> > > > > This
> > > > > > was
> > > > > > > > followed by a three rotations in jackknife
> > > > > position before he
> > > > > again
> > > > > > > > straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
> > > > > After a few more
> > > > > > > > demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his
> > > > > towel.
> > > > > > > > She said, 'That was incredible!"
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving
> > > > > champion. You see, I
> > > > > told
> > > > > > you
> > > > > > we'd
> > > > > > > > learn more about ourselves as we went along."
> > > > > > > > So she got up, jumped in the pool and started
> > > > > doing laps. She was
> > > > > > moving
> > > > > > so
> > > > > > > > fast that the froth from her pushing off at one
> > > > > end of the pool
> > > > > would
> > > > > > > > hardly be gone before she was already touching
> > > > > the other end of
> > > > > the
> > > > > > pool.
> > > > > > > > She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even
> > > > > butterfly! After
> > > > > about
> > > > > > > > thirty
> > > > > > > > laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed
> > > > > back out and lay
> > > > > down
> > > > > on
> > > > > > her
> > > > > > > > towel, barely breathing hard.
> > > > > > > > He said, "That was incredible! Were you an
> > > > > Olympic endurance
> > > > > > swimmer?"
> > > > > > > > "No, she said, 'I was a hooker in Rockford,
> > > > > Illinois and I worked
> > > > > > both
> > > > > > > > sides of the river."

dolfan06
10-09-2002, 07:55 PM
:D

dolfan06
10-16-2002, 08:13 PM
> "Husband Shopping Center" was opened where a woman could go to choose from
> among many men, for her husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the
> men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The
> only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a
> man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down
> except to leave the place. Once you left, you could never go back.
> So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men. First floor, the
> door has a sign saying: "These men have jobs and love kids." The women
> read the sign and say: "Well, that's better than not having jobs, or not
> loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they go.
> Second floor says: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are
> extremely good looking." Hmmm, say the girls. But, I wonder what's further
> up?"
> Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking,
> love kids and help with the housework." Wow! Say the women. Very
> tempting, BUT, there's further up!
> And so again, they go up. Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs,
> love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a
> strong romantic streak." Oh, mercy me. But just think!?!?! What must be
> awaiting us further on!
> So up to the fifth floor they go. The sign on that door said: "This floor
> is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you."
>
>

dolfan06
10-19-2002, 09:55 AM
Subject: [Fwd: A light on Globilization]
What is globalization, one may ask. Well, here is probably the
best
example on globalization.

Question : What is the height of globalization?
Answer : Princess Diana's death

Question : How come?

Answer : An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a
French
tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian
who was
high on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on
Japanese
motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines!


And this is sent to you by a Filipino, using Bill Gates'
technology
which he stole from the Japanese.
And you are probably reading this on one of the IBM clones that

use
Philippine-made chips, and Korean made monitors, assembled by
Bangladeshi
workers in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries driven by
Indians,
hijacked by Indonesians and finally sold to you by a Chinese!

That's Globalization!!!

dolfan06
10-20-2002, 02:30 AM
3 guys go into a topless bar and the dancer wiggles over to the first and he puts a $10 in her G-string...............

she dances over to the second guy and he puts a $20 in her G-string..............

she grinds on over to the third, but he has no cash, he doesn't want to be outdone so he swipes his ATM card down the crack of her a$$ and takes the $30!:D

dolfan06
10-20-2002, 02:39 AM
It's the first day of school in Houston and the teacher
thought she'd
: > get to
: > know the kids by asking them their name and what their father
does for a
: > living.
: > The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is
a postman."
: > The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a
mechanic."
: > Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is
a
: > striptease
: > dancer in a cabaret for gay men."
: > The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later
in the
: > school
: > yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it
was really
: > true
: > that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar. He blushed and said,
"I'm sorry
: > but
: > my dad is a QB for the buffalo bills and I was just too
embarrassed
: > to say so."
: >

Sabre Ally
10-20-2002, 03:13 AM
LMAO. That could have been true LAST year.

dolfan06
10-21-2002, 08:13 AM
barbara walters was interviewing and indian chief................

she asked why he wore so many feathers..............

he said "me have 6 squaws, me fuk em all" and then pounded on his chest!

she said, "well you don't have to get hostile!"

the chief blurts out, "hoss style, dog style any style!

she says, "oh dear"!

the chief answers, " no, me no fuk deer, asshole too high and suckers run too fast!

Barbarian
10-21-2002, 07:42 PM
Wanna Joke... okay heres one:

Ray Lucas Yesterday :mad:




sorry, I know I know... get over it Barbarian... I'm trying, damnit!

dolfan06
10-21-2002, 08:30 PM
Originally posted by Barbarian
Wanna Joke... okay heres one:

Ray Lucas Yesterday :mad:




sorry, I know I know... get over it Barbarian... I'm trying, damnit! i don't know, i consider a joke as funny, ray is a fly in the ointment!:rolleyes:

dolfan06
10-21-2002, 09:12 PM
Subject: Mexican Bungee Jumping

Al and Frank were bungee-jumping one day. Al says to
Frank, "You
know, we
could make a lot of money running our own
bungee-jumping service in
Mexico."
Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool
their money and
buy
everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord,
insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the
square. As they
are
constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.
Slowly, more
and more
people gather to watch them at work. When they had
finished, there
was such a crowd they thought it would be a good
idea to give a
demonstration.
So, Al jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but
when he comes
back up,
Frank notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately,
Frank isn't able to catch him and he falls again,
bounces and comes back up
again.
This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Frank
misses him. Al
falls
again and bounces back up. This time he comes back
pretty messed
up -
he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost
unconscious.
Luckily,
Frank
finally catches him this time and says, "What
happened? Was the
cord too
long?"

Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No, the bungee cord
was fine...It
was the
crowd. What the hell is a piñata?"

dolfan06
10-22-2002, 09:15 PM
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks." So they entered heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St.Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on very tall, tanned and muscular. St. Peter chains them together and leaves without saying a word.

The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

dolfan06
10-22-2002, 09:25 PM
:D

dolfan06
10-22-2002, 09:31 PM
>
> > >Dear Abby: I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be
> > married next month. My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but
> > really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding
> together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list
> because
> it had
> > grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her
> > place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred
> ....
> > then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man
> > and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she
> > just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew
> > where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about
> five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this
> > >situation. I headed straight out the front door ... There, leaning
> > against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling.
> He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would
> be
> > true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on
> > passing their little test. Abby, should I tell my fiancee' what her
> > parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and
> > insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself
> > including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to
> get
> a condom?

dolfan06
10-24-2002, 03:48 PM
ILLEGAL POEM
I cross ocean,
poor and broke,
Take bus,
see employment folk.

Nice man treat me
good in there,
Say I need to
see welfare.

Welfare say,
"You come no more,
We send cash
right to your door."

Welfare checks,
they make you wealthy,
Medicaid it keep
you healthy!

By and by,
I got plenty money,
Thanks to you,
American dummy.

Write to friends
in motherland,
Tell them 'come as
fast as you can.'

They come in turbans
and Ford trucks,
I buy big house
with welfare bucks.

They come here,
we live together,
More welfare checks,
it gets better!

Fourteen families,
they moving in,
But neighbor's patience
wearing thin.

Finally, white guy
moves away,
Now I buy his house,
and then I say,

"Find more aliens
for house to rent."
And in the yard
I put a tent.

Send for family
they just trash,
But they, too,
draw the welfare cash!

Everything is
very good,
And soon we
own the neighborhood.

We have hobby --
it's called breeding,
Welfare pay
for baby feeding.

Kids need dentist?
Wife need pills?
We get free!
We got no bills!

American crazy!
He pay all year,
To keep welfare
running here.

We think America
darn good place!
Too darn good for
the white man race.

If they no like us,
they can scram,
Got lots of room in
Pakistan.

SEND THIS TO EVERY AMERICAN
TAXPAYER YOU KNOW.

dolfan06
10-24-2002, 03:50 PM
> > > >First-year students at Medical School were receiving their
> > > > >first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered
> > > around
> > > > >the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The
> > > professor
> > > > >started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to
> > > have
> > > > >two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you not be
> > > disgusted
> > > > >by anything involving the human body." For an example, the professor
> > > pulled
> > > > >back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew
> > > it
> > > and
> > > > >stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his
> > > > >students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes,
>but
> > > > >eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body
> > > and
> > > > >sucking on it.
> > > > >When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and told them,
> > > "The
> > > > >second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
> > > finger
> > > > >and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
> > >
>

dolfan06
10-24-2002, 03:58 PM
:D

dolfan06
10-25-2002, 01:01 AM
> A cab driver picks up a young and fairly
> good-looking
> > > > >Nun. She gets
> > > > >into the
> > > > >cab, and the driver won't stop staring at
> her. She
> > > > >asks him why
> > > he is
> > > > >staring and he replies, "I have a question to
> ask you
> > > > >but I don't want
> > > > >to
> > > > >offend you."
> > > > >She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend
> me. I
> > > > >work in the
> > > > >disadvantaged neighborhoods and when you have
> been a
> > > > >Nun as long as I
> > > > >have,
> > > > >you get a chance to see and hear just about
> > > > >everything. I'm sure
> > > > >there's
> > > > >nothing you could say or ask that I would
> find
> > > > >offensive."
> > > > >
> > > > >"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a
> Nun kiss
> > > > >me."
> > > > >
> > > > >She responds, "Well, perhaps we can do
> something about
> > > > >that. But #1,
> > > > >you
> > > > >have to be single and #2 you must be a
> Catholic."
> > > > >
> > > > >The cab driver is very excited and says,
> "Yes, I am
> > > > >single and I'm
> > > > >Catholic
> > > > >too !!"
> > > > >
> > > > >The Nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."
> He does
> > > > >and the Nun
> > > > >fulfills
> > > >
> > > >his fantasy with a long hot passionate kiss.
> But when
> > > > >they get back on
> > > > >the
> > > > >road, the cab driver starts crying.
> > > > >
> > > > >"My dear child," said the Nun, "Why are you
> crying?"
> > > > >
> > > > >"Forgive me Sister, but I have sinned. I
> lied, I must
> > > > >confess. I'm
> > > > >married
> > > > >and I'm a Baptist."
> > > > >
> > > > >The Nun says, "That's OK, I'm on my way to a
> Halloween
> > > > >party, and my
> > > > >name is
> > > > >Kevin."

Barbarian
10-25-2002, 08:09 AM
Anybody else remember that sceene from Ace Ventura realised that Rhienhorn was really a man?... I'll bet that dude is going through loads of chewing gum. ;) :lol:

Scrap
10-25-2002, 06:12 PM
good one 6.

dolfan06
10-25-2002, 07:45 PM
IT'S TOUGH BEING A MAN ...
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race,
you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your
ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.

If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.

If She asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.

If you don't, you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep shape, you're sexist.

If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.

If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.

If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself.

If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.

If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're over sexed.

If you don't, there must be someone else.

NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN! THEY WANT TO!!

dolfan06
10-25-2002, 07:47 PM
>>>>>> Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035:
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh
>>>>>> largest country in the world, California.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the
>>>>>> California's third language.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops &
>>>>>> livestock.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in theAmerican Territory of
>>>>>> the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria,and
>Lebanon.)
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten
>>>>>> more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported
>>>>>> legally,but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> 35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Texas executes last remaining citizen.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so
>>>>>> it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers and
>>>>>> baseball bats must be registered by January 2036.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>

BSQX4
10-27-2002, 06:49 PM
A lion was taking a drink from the river with his tail in the up position. A gorilla comes up from behind a slips the lion the Liberace, 14 inches!! The gorilla enjoyed a tremendous advantage leverage wise and was able to have his way for two hours. Suddenly, he finishes and races hysterically laughing through through the jungle. The lion shakes off the assault and goes chasing after the Gorilla, and he's really pissed!! The Gorilla comes upon an encampment, puts on a Pith Helmet, a Safari Suit and sits down on a folding chair with a copy of the Johannessburg Times. Minutes later the lion bursts into the tent asking," have you seen a Gorilla come through here?" The Gorilla without thinking answers,"you mean the one who screwed the lion in the ass?" The lion screams,"holy **** it's in the paper already?

dolfan06
10-31-2002, 09:19 PM
Cow Theory Of Government





DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax.
The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor.
You feel righteous.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM - AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY - AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY - AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
You produce your 10th, 5-year plan in the last 3 months.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.

NEW YORK CORPORATION
You have fifteen million cows.
You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas

northernbillfan
11-01-2002, 03:48 AM
Did you hear about the Dolphin fan who locked his keys in the car at the tailgate?

It took him 4 hours to get his wife out! :D

Sabre Ally
11-01-2002, 03:49 AM
:rofl:

dolfan06
11-01-2002, 09:30 PM
Originally posted by northernbillfan
Did you hear about the Dolphin fan who locked his keys in the car at the tailgate?

It took him 4 hours to get his wife out! :D did you ever consider the fact, that maybe this is the way he wanted it! now that would be even funnier!:D :D :D

Barbarian
11-02-2002, 01:36 AM
Originally posted by northernbillfan
Did you hear about the Dolphin fan who locked his keys in the car at the tailgate?

It took him 4 hours to get his wife out! :D

Thats what he get's for Marrying a Bills Fan. :evil:

dolfan06
11-02-2002, 01:41 AM
whats funny, this joke was really turned around on nbf!lol

dolfan06
11-04-2002, 09:34 PM
Now here is a great test for us all ... enjoy! Note, you do not
have to
report your test scores to anyone...

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell
you
whether you are qualified to be a "professional."

Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that
difficult.


1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
>
>
>
>
>

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the
giraffe,
and close the door. This question tests whether you
tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
>
>
>
>
>

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
>
>
>
>
>

Did you say, "Open the refrigerator, put in the
elephant, and close the refrigerator?" (Wrong Answer)

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the
giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This
tests your ability to think through the repercussions
of your previous actions.
>
>
>
>
>
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference.
All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not
attend?
>
>
>
>
>

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the
refrigerator.

You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

OK, even if you did not answer the first three
questions correctly, you still have one more chance
to show your true abilities.
>
>
>
>
>

4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by
crocodiles. How do you manage it?
>
>
>
>
>
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles
are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether
you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around
90% of the professionals they tested got all
questions wrong. But many preschoolers got
several correct answers.

Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves
the theory that most professionals have the brains
of a four year old.

dolfan06
11-05-2002, 01:45 AM
> > > He said...She said...
> > > (10) He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing
> > > to put in it.
> > > She said...You wear briefs, don't you?
> > >
> > > (9) She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
> > > He said...It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
> > >
> > > (8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make
> > > love to you in the worst way.
> > > She said...Well, you succeeded.
> > >
> > > (7) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'.
> > > She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'
> > >
> > > (6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere".
> > > Written just below it: "I do not".
> > >
> > > (5) He said... "Shall we try switching positions tonight?"
> > > She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board
> > > while I sit on the sofa and fart."
> > >
> > > (4) Priest said... 'I don't think you will ever find another man
> > > like your late husband.'
> > > She said...'Who's gonna look?'
> > > 3) He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money
> > > I gave you?
> > > She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
> > >
> > > (2) He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
> > > She said... Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the
> > > hallway light on.
> > >
> > > AND THE NUMBER 1 ..He said...She said...
> > > (1) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
> > > She said... I would, but you're never there
> > >

dolfan06
11-06-2002, 09:27 PM
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from
her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So, he says, "Mrs.
Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to
borrow. The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says
that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK,
he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he
will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he
has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this,"
and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall.
Bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the
manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says:
"There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and
wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She
holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
(are you ready?)



(are you sure?)


(you're gonna hate me!)

The bank manager looks back at her and says "It's a knick knack, Patti
Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone.

Sabre Ally
11-07-2002, 02:34 AM
:lol:

dolfan06
11-07-2002, 09:13 PM
Monica Lewensky walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean."

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"

"No," says Monica. "Mustard."

dolfan06
11-08-2002, 10:00 PM
ya know how to keep a blonde busy?!




give her a bag of M & M's and tell her to put them in alphabetical order!

dolfan06
11-10-2002, 01:21 AM
the owner of a well-established, very well respected,
third generation family-owned garment business met
with his Board of Directors.

Due to the recession, business had been very bad.
Sales were down and costs up.

The owner and his wife had poured every penny they
had back into the business, but still things looked very
precarious.

The Board offered no solutions, so as a last resort the
owner decided to seek advice from his Rabbi.
With tears running down his face he poured out the story
about the three generations of family sacrifice.
He ended by asking plaintively, "What should I do?"

The Rabbi said nothing for a long time, then quietly intoned:
"So here's what I vant you to do. Get a beach chair, and a Bible.
Drive to the water's edge. Sit in the beach chair with the Bible
open on your lap, and let the wind from the sea riffle the pages
of the open Bible and when the pages stop turning I want you to
look down and read the first thing you see.
That will be what you must do."

A year passes ...the business owner (not a very religious man)
pays
a visit to the Rabbi. The man is wearing a new $2,000 handmade
Italian suit, his wife looks stunning in a new mink coat; their
new
BMW 740i Sedan is outside.

He discreetly slips the Rabbi an envelope stuffed with money.
"Rabbi" he says, "this is a little something for you and your
wife,
and here's also a check for $25,000 for the congregation."

The Rabbi is stunned. "So, you did what I said?"

"Absolutely!"

"You vent to the beach?"

"Yes I did!"

"And you sat in the beach chair with the Bible open on your lap?"

"Yes Rabbi. Absolutely!"

"And you let the wind riffle through the pages until they
stopped?"

"Absolutely!"

"And what were the first words that you read on that page?"

"Chapter Eleven."

baccarat
11-10-2002, 01:51 AM
Top Ten Cincinnati Bengals Excuses
10. Thought we were going to be playing against them Budweiser bottles.
9. We were frightened and disoriented by the halftime show.
8. Some kid in section E, row 11 kept yelling, "Bengals suck!"
7. Wanted to get billion-dollar endorsement deals because of who we are, not because we won some stupid game!
6. If only we'd had Shapiro and Cochran on defense.
5. Ate free bags of Doritos until we were sick to our stomachs.
4. Have you ever seen a Super Bowl ring up close? Piece of crap.
3. Hard to concentrate when you're having erotic fantasies about Kathie Lee.
2. Pre-game pep talk by Marv Levy.
1. We've already been to Disneyland.

baccarat
11-10-2002, 01:56 AM
Three old football fans are in a church, praying for their teams. The first one asks, "Oh Lord, when will the Dolphins win the Super Bowl?."

God Replies, "In the next five years."

"But I'll be dead by then", says the man.

The second one asks, "Oh Lord, when will the Broncos win the Super Bowl?"

The Good Lord answers, "In the next ten years."

"But I'll be dead by then", says the man.

The third man asks, "Oh Lord, when will the Bills win the Super Bowl?"

God Answers, "I will be dead by then!"

dolfan06
11-10-2002, 01:59 AM
God Answers, "I will be dead by then!" since i tell the most jokes around here, that has to get my seal of approval!:lol:

baccarat
11-10-2002, 02:03 AM
You'll only here the finest jokes from me. :)


Q: How does Randy Moss change a light bulb?
A: He holds it in the air and the world revolves around him.

Scrap
11-10-2002, 02:05 AM
Aint that the truth.

baccarat
11-10-2002, 02:59 AM
This is for all the Green Bay Packer fans out there.


Q: How many people does it take to change a light bulb at Lambeau Field?
A: Three. One to change it and two to talk about how good the old one was.

baccarat
11-10-2002, 02:59 AM
A devout Packer fan died and had just arrived in heaven. He was talking to an angel trying to get the low down on what heaven was going to be like. He asked the angel if there were any former packers in heaven. The angel replied, "Sure, all the greats are here."

He then asked the angel if they played football and the angel replied that in heaven, every day is Packer Sunday and the Pack always wins. Being very excited the fan asked if Vince Lombardi was there and as he asked, he saw a man with dark rimmed glasses, a heavy overcoat, and a cap that looked strangely like the one Vince Lombardi wore in the Ice Bowl. When asked excitedly if that was him, if that was Vincent Lombardi, the angel replied, "No, that was just God. He just thinks he's Lombardi."

dolfan06
11-11-2002, 10:08 PM
> A shepherd was
> tending his flock in a remote
> pasture when suddenly a
> brand-new Jeep Cherokee appeared out of a dust
> cloud, advanced
> toward him and stopped.
>
> The driver, a 24-year-old
> young man wearing a
> Brioni suit, Gucci shoes,
> Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie, leaned out of
> the window and asked
> our shepherd, "If I can tell
> you exactly how many
> sheep you have in your
> flock, will you give me one?"
> The shepherd looked at the young guy, then at
> his
> peacefully grazing flock, and calmly answered,
> "Sure."
>
> The young man parked his car, whipped out his
> notebook computer,
> connected it to a cell phone, surfed to a NASA
> page on the Internet where he called up a
> GPS satellite navigation system,
> scanned the area, then
> opened up a database and some Excel
> spreadsheets
> with complex formulas.
> He finally printed out a 150-page report on his
> hi-tech miniaturized printer, turned around to
> our
> shepherd and said,
> "You have here exactly 1,586 sheep!"
>
> "Amazing! That's correct! Like I agreed, you
> can
> take one of my sheep," said the shepherd.
> The shepherd watched the man make a selection
> and bundle it into his Cherokee. When he
> was finished the sheepherder said, "If I can
> tell you exactly what your political persuasion
> is, where you're from and who you work for, will
> you give
> me my sheep back?"
>
> "Okay, why not," answered the young man.
> You're a Democrat from Palm Beach and
> you're working for Jesse Jackson,"
> said the shepherd.
>
> "Wow! That's correct," said the young man.
> "How did you ever guess that?"
>
> "Easy," answered the shepherd... "Nobody called
> you, but you showed up here anyway.
> You want to be paid for providing a
> solution to a question I already knew the
> answer to. And, you don't know squat about
> what you're doing because you just took my dog.
>

dolfan06
11-12-2002, 09:08 PM
Too cute and sorry to say "true"


I come for visit, get treated regal,
So I stay, who care I illegal?

I cross ocean, poor and broke,
Take bus, see employment folk.

Nice man treat me good in there,
Say I need to see welfare.

Welfare say, "You come no more,
We send cash right to your door."

Welfare checks, they make you wealthy,
Medicaid it keep you healthy!

By and by, I got plenty money,
Thanks to you, American dunmmy.

Write to friends in motherland,
Tell them come as fast as you can.

They come in turbans and Ford trucks,
I buy big house with welfare bucks.

They come here, we live together,
More welfare checks, it gets better!

Fourteen families they moving in,
But neighbor's patience wearing thin.

Finally, white guy moves away,
Now I buy his house, and then I say,

"Find more aliens for house to rent."
And in the yard I put a tent.

Send for family (they just trash),
But they, too, draw the welfare cash!

Everything is very good,
And soon we own the neighborhood.

We have hobby--it's called breeding,
Welfare pay for baby feeding.

Kids need dentist? Wife need pills?
We get free! We got no bills!

American crazy! He pay all year,
To keep welfare running here.

We think America darn good place!
Too darn good for the white man race.

If they no like us, they can scram,
Got lots of room in Pakistan.

SEND THIS TO EVERY TAXPAYER YOU KNOW

dolfan06
11-12-2002, 09:11 PM
Subject: Chinese Wedding Night ....Hee Hee



> > A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. On the wedding
night,
> > she
> > cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs
in
> > next
> > to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring" he says, "I know dis yo
> firs
> > time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want,
I
> do
> > anyting - jus
> > anyting you want, you say. What you want?"
> >
> > A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for
her
> > request. "I want ...... numba 69" she replies shyly.
> >
> > More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually in a puzzled
> tone
> > he
> > queries.............. "You want... Beef wif Broccoli?"

dolfan06
11-14-2002, 09:14 PM
LITTLE JOHNNY'S MARRIAGE PROPOSAL
> >
> > Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that
>they
> > are in love.
> >
> > One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to
>Jenny's
> > father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says
>"Mr.
> > Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in
> > marriage."
> >
> > Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well
>Johnny,
> > you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
> >
> > Without even taking a moment to think about it Johnny replies, "In
>Jenny's
> > room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still
> > thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay
>then
> > how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to
> > support Jenny."
> >
> > Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance ... Jenny makes 5 bucks
>a
> > week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that
> > should do us just fine."
> >
> > By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much
> > thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with
> > something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith
> > says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured
>out.
>I
> > just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you
> > should have little ones of your own?"
> >
> > Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so
> > far..."

dolfan06
11-18-2002, 12:40 AM
Sex Education
Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his
age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit
about "courting" from the older boys, and he wondered
what it was, and how it was done. One day he took his
question to his mother, She became rather flustered.
Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him
to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his
older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following
morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother.
"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while,
then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started
kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must be getting
sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have
thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse
to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except
he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have
trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too,
because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting
all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because
he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and
began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward
the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew
it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally,
I found out what was making them so sick!! Huge eel had gotten
inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and
stood there,
about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to
keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her
eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to
God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever
seen! I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house!
Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head
off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight,
while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the
eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread
her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by
lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis
started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset
the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it
between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a
great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed
the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of
its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a
little tired from the battle, but they went back to "courting"
anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly,
the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight
again. I guess eels are like cats- they have nine lives or
something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting
on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the
eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its
skin off and flush it down the toilet.

dolfan06
11-18-2002, 01:33 AM
Subject: THE GOOD LIFE

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you
think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?"

"Oh no", I replied, "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs?

I said, "No, I've heard that all "red meat" is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked.

"No I don't," I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy women?",

"No," I said, "I've never done any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why in hell do you want to live to be 80?

dolfan06
11-18-2002, 01:38 AM
Think about this:

a. The number of physicians in the US is 700,000.
b. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year is 120,000.
c. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. (US Dept. of Health &Human Services)

Then think about this:

a. The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000.
b. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is 1,500.
c. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188.

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand. As a public health measure I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical attention.

dolfan06
11-18-2002, 01:53 AM
MIRANDA RIGHTS"
>
>
>
> A female police officer pulled over a drunk driver.
>
> She said to him, "You are under arrest. Anything you say can and
> will be held against you."
>
> The drunk replies, "Tits."
>

WharfRat
11-20-2002, 02:34 PM
A man staggered into the emergency room with a concussion, multiple
bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his neck.

Naturally, the doctor asked him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of
golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ball
into the pasture where there were a lot of cows. We went to look for
them, and while I was rooting around in the rough, I noticed one of the
cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up
its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram
on it -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made
my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asked the doctor "Well, when I lifted the cow's tail
I yelled to my wife, 'Hey honey, this looks like yours!' I don't
remember very much after that."

dolfan06
11-20-2002, 09:59 PM
Originally posted by WharfRat
A man staggered into the emergency room with a concussion, multiple
bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his neck.

Naturally, the doctor asked him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of
golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ball
into the pasture where there were a lot of cows. We went to look for
them, and while I was rooting around in the rough, I noticed one of the
cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up
its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram
on it -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made
my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asked the doctor "Well, when I lifted the cow's tail
I yelled to my wife, 'Hey honey, this looks like yours!' I don't
remember very much after that." my brother in law is a golfer, i laughed my ass off on that one!:lol:

dolfan06
11-20-2002, 10:48 PM
digital clock(interesting, nothing more)
http://www.yugop.com/ver3/stuff/03/fla.html

WharfRat
11-21-2002, 10:32 AM
We take you now to the Oval Office -- taking over where Bud Abbot and Lou
Costello left off, George Bush is discussing international events with
Condoleeza Rice, his National Security Advisor:

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's whose name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of
China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was the Palestinian
leader.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.
Get
me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the 'phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

dolfan06
11-21-2002, 09:47 PM
i was wondering when somebody was gonna update the "who's on first routine!"

dolfan06
11-25-2002, 09:37 PM
Train Ride

In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, Janet
Reno and Bo Derek. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes
through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.
When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on
his cheek.
(1) Bo Derek thought - "That sleazeball Clinton wanted to touch
me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on Janet Reno, who,
in turn must have slapped his face."
(2) Janet Reno thought - "That dirty Bill Clinton laid his hands on
Bo Derek and she smacked him."

(3) Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on Bo Derek and by
mistake she slapped me."
4) George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I
can smack Clinton again."

baccarat
11-25-2002, 10:21 PM
In America, they say, "It's eleven o'clock, do you know where your children are?"

In England, they say, "It's eleven o'clock, do you know where your spouse is?"

In Poland, they say, "It's eleven o'clock, do you know what time it is?"

Sabre Ally
11-26-2002, 04:02 AM
:lol:

dolfan06
11-26-2002, 08:30 PM
> > Sing this song to the tune of: "If You're Happy And You Know
> > It Clap Your Hands"
> >
> > If we cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
> > If the markets hurt your Mama, bomb Iraq.
> > If the terrorists are Saudi
> > And the bank takes back your Audi
> > And the TV shows are bawdy,
> > Bomb Iraq.
> >
> > If the corporate scandals growin', bomb Iraq.
> > And your ties to them are showin', bomb Iraq.
> > If the smoking gun ain't smokin'
> > We don't care, and we're not jokin'.
> > That Saddam will soon be croakin',
> > Bomb Iraq.
> >
> > Even if we have no allies, bomb Iraq.
> > >From the sand dunes to the valleys, bomb Iraq.
> > So to hell with the inspections;
> > Let's look tough for the elections,
> > Close your mind and take directions,
> > Bomb Iraq.
> >
> > While the globe is slowly warming, bomb Iraq.
> > Yay! the clouds of war are storming, bomb Iraq.
> > If the ozone hole is growing,
> > Some things we prefer not knowing.
> > (Though our ignorance is showing),
> > Bomb Iraq.
> >
> > So here's one for dear old daddy, bomb Iraq,
> > >From his favorite little laddy, bomb Iraq.
> > Saying no would look like treason.
> > It's the Hussein hunting season.
> > Even if we have no reason,
> > Bomb Iraq.

dolfan06
11-26-2002, 08:45 PM
It can buy a House..............But not a Home

It can buy a Bed..................But not Sleep

It can buy a Clock................But not Time

It can buy you a Book..........But not knowledge

It can buy you a Position .....But not Respect

It can buy you Medicine........But not Health

It can buy you Blood.............But not Life

It can buy you Sex................But not Love

So you see money isn't everything.

And it often causes pain and suffering.

I tell you all this because I am your Friend,

and as your Friend I want to take away

Your pain and suffering...................

So send me all your money.............

And I will suffer for you.

CASH ONLY PLEASE!!!

Thought this was gonna be one of those

"inspirational" ones, didn't you????

dolfan06
11-30-2002, 01:57 AM
OHIO TEMPERATURE CONVERSION CHART

@ +70 degrees
Texans turn on the heat and unpack the thermal underwear. People in
Ohio
go swimming in the Rivers.

@ +60 degrees
North Carolinians try to turn on the heat. People in Ohio plant
gardens.

@ +50 degrees
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Ohio sunbathe.

@ +40 degrees
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Ohio drive with the windows down.

@ +32 degrees
Distilled water freezes.
Lake Erie water gets thicker.

@ +20 degrees
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, and woolly hats.
People
in Ohio throw on a flannel shirt.

@ +15 degrees
Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Ohio have
the
last cookout before it gets cold.

@ +10 degrees
People in Miami all die...
Buckeyes lick the flagpole.

@ -20 degrees
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Ohio get out their winter coats.

@ -40 degrees
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Ohio are selling cookies door to door.

@ -60 degrees
Polar bears begin to evacuate the Artic. Ohio Boy Scouts postpone
"Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
@ -80 degrees
Mt. St. Helens freezes.
People in Ohio rent some videos.

@ -100 degrees
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Buckeyes get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.

@ -297 degrees
Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products. Cows in Ohio
complain about farmers with cold hands.

@ -460 degrees
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero in the Kelvin scale). People in
Ohio start saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya?"

@ -500 degrees
Hell freezes over. The Browns win the Super Bowl.

dolfan06
12-03-2002, 09:38 PM
Guys, you know the drill. Every 14th of February you get the chance to
>
>display your fondness for a significant other by showering her with
>
>gifts,
>
>flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic.
>
>Every
>
>Valentine's Day you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift
>
>that
>
>will show your wife or girlfriend that you really do love them more than
>
>any
>
>other.
>
>Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret; guys really don't enjoy
>
>this
>
>that much. Sure seeing that smile on your face when we get it right is
>
>priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and
>
>consideration. Another secret; guys feel left out. That's right, there's
>
>no
>
>special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in
>
>their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or too embarrassed to
>
>admit
>
>it.
>
>Which is why a new holiday has been created. March 20th is now
>
>officially
>
>"Steak and Blowjob Day." Simple, effective and self explanatory, this
>
>holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your
>
>man
>
>how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the
>
>town;
>
>the name of the holiday explains it all, just a steak and a BJ. That's
>
>it.
>
>Finally, this twin pair of Valentine's Day and Steak and Blowjob Day
>
>will
>
>usher in a new age of love as men everywhere try THAT much harder in
>
>February to ensure a memorable March 20th. Its like a perpetual love
>
>machine!
>
>The word is already beginning to spread, but as with any new idea, it
>
>needs
>
>a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help
>
>bring
>
>love and peace to this crazy world. And, of course, steak and bjs!
>
>
>
>
>

dolfan06
12-06-2002, 09:48 AM
Dear All,



I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, north and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson." 2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace. 4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."

5."Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!" 6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other. And Finally,

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree. Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus

dolfan06
12-07-2002, 02:20 PM
A teacher was correcting exam papers when he came across Peter's
effort: a sheet of paper, blank apart from his name and
"Act II Macbeth. Scene V. Line 28".
The teacher reached for his Shakespeare
and turned to Macbeth where he found that the 28th line of the
fifth scene of the second act read, "I cannot do this bloody
thing."

dolfan06
12-10-2002, 09:26 PM
> ONE STAR HANGOVER (*)
> No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively
> well.
> However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel
> this way. For some reason, you are craving a philly sub and steak
> fries.
>
> TWO STAR HANGOVER (**)
> No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you
have
> the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is
> only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the
> fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some
> definite havoc
> being wreaked upon your bowels.
>
> THREE STAR HANGOVER (***)
> Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
> productive. Anytime a girl walks by, you gag because her perfume
> reminds you of the flavored schnapps' shots your alcoholic friends
> dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in
> your bed watching Lucy
reruns.
> You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet
> Coke -
> yet you haven't peed once.
>
> FOUR STAR HANGOVER (****)
> Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else
you
> might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has
given
> you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that
> can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face (if
> you're a
woman,
> it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars).
> Your eyes look like one big red vein and even your hair hurts. Your
> asshole is
in
> perpetual spasm, and the first five ****s you take during the day makes
the
> eyes water of everyone who enters the bathroom.
>
> FIVE STAR HANGOVER (*****)
> You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying
> the employee who sits in the next cube. Tequila vapor is seeping out of
> every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste in the
> corners of
your
> mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of
> what "chunks" may still remain. Your hair is not brushed and still has
> dried up remains of what you attempted to throw up in the toilet
> earlier that
morning
> but what you somehow ended up passing out in instead. Your body has
> lost
the
> ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you, giving
> you
the
> sensation that you could spit enough cotton to supply the whole tampon
> industry. You don't have the foggiest idea where you were, who you were
> with,
> what you did, or how you got home the night before and any thought
> about
it
> right now could cause a major hemorrage in your brain. Any attempt to
> defecate, results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented
> fluid with
> a "floater" thrown in and the sole purpose of this "floater" seems to
> be only
> to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good
about
> right now.

dolfan06
12-18-2002, 11:21 PM
http://www.toonedin.com/movies/WhiteTrashXmas.html

dolfan06
12-20-2002, 02:59 AM
One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were
sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho
said "Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee. "Oh, c'mon baby,
let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and its the perfect time," Huan
Cho Begged.

"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon." "Please Jung Lee,
just once play Weeweechu with me." Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said,
"OK, we'll play Weeweechu." Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both
sang.....




"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
and a Happy New Year!"

dolfan06
12-21-2002, 07:21 PM
Last year one of our clients, a bedding company, asked us to shoot
a picture of all of their employees, for their X-mas card. The
account exec. decided it would be cute if they all wore sleepwear
in the shot, since they manufacture pillows, comforters, etc.. He
also decided to have a cocktail party for them prior to the photo
session.
This had all of the trappings of disaster, Eighty people, in their
PJs, after a few drinks, climbing up on a six foot tall riser,
draped with cloth.

When they all finally straggled into the studio, I had to shout
through a bull horn to get their attention. I asked them to get on
the riser, but before I could warn them that the benches had open
spaces under the drapes, they made a mad dash, to get the best
spots. Of course the whole thing collapsed and I was faced with a
mass of cloth and people. Clinging to each other and the risers,
laughing and thrashing around, arms and legs askew, with hair
sticking up every where.

Frustrated, I shouted over the bullhorn, "HEY, LOOK AT ME."
They did, all at one time and I snapped the shutter at that exact
moment.

The account exec. was beside himself, he thought the account was
blown for sure. We reassembled and did some straight shots, but
they thought the disastrous was shot so funny, that they used it, and
as a bonus when I, as a joke, sent along a tag line, they used that
too. It read,"Hope your holiday parties are as much fun as ours."

dolfan06
01-15-2003, 04:54 PM
> A blond was shopping at K-Mart and came across a
> > shiny silver thermos.
> > She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and
> > brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The
> > clerk said, "why, that's a thermos... it keeps hot
> > things hot and cold things cold."
> >
> > "Wow," said the blond, "that's amazing... I'm going to
> > buy it! So she bought the thermos and took it to work
> > the next day. Her boss, who is also blond, saw it on her
> > desk. "What's that?" he asked. "Why, that's a thermos.
> > it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she
> > replied.
> >
> > "Wow, that's amazing," said the boss, "what do you have
> > in it?"
> >
> > "Two Popsicles and some coffee."