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305TillIDie
04-06-2006, 06:20 PM
Welcome members... post your jokes here..let all the serious problems behind you now... post and have fun!

icephinfan
04-06-2006, 06:28 PM
I can't think of one damnit.......:sidelol: :sidelol: :sidelol:

Jt0323
04-06-2006, 06:28 PM
Why did the chicken cross the road?

to get to the other side!

HysterikiLL
04-06-2006, 06:28 PM
two men walk into a bar


you would've thought the second guy would've seen it

icephinfan
04-06-2006, 06:29 PM
Why did the guy put his car in the oven???????

Jt0323
04-06-2006, 06:31 PM
it was cold?

305TillIDie
04-06-2006, 06:32 PM
Why did the guy put his car in the oven???????:sidelol:

icephinfan
04-06-2006, 06:32 PM
Why did the guy put his car in the oven???????


HE WANTED A HOT ROD..................:sidelol: :sidelol: :sidelol:

Jt0323
04-06-2006, 06:33 PM
:lol: ok i got one, what did the dog say to the cat?

icephinfan
04-06-2006, 06:36 PM
:lol: ok i got one, what did the dog say to the cat?

WERE WAITING..............:fire: ........................:sidelol:

dreday
04-06-2006, 06:36 PM
YO MAMAS SOO RETARTED, WEN SHE MISSED BUS 44 SHE TOOK BUS 22 TWICE!!!

Yo Mama's Teeth So Big, When She Sneezes She Bites Her Chest

Yo mama's so fat, the horse on her Polo shirt is real.

Yo mama's so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.

Yo mama's so fat, she uses diet soap.

Yo mama's so stupid, she climbed over a glass wall to see what was behind it.

Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Grape Nuts was an STD.

Yo mama's so stupid, she got stabbed in a shoot-out.

Yo mama's so stupid, she failed a survey.

Yo mama`s so stupid, she threw a rock at the ground and missed.

Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to put M&M's in order.

Yo mama's so poor, she has to do drive-by shootings on the bus.

Yo mama's so poor, she has to take the trash IN.

Yo mama's so poor, she watches TV on an Etch-A-Sketch.

Yo mama's so poor, she eats cereal with a fork to save milk.

Yo mama's so hairy, she got a trim and lost 10 pounds

Yo mama's so dirty, she loses weight in the shower.

Yo mama's so skinny, she can dodge rain drops.

Yo mama's so short, she does pull-ups on a staple.

Yo mama's so short, she can surf on a popsicle stick.

Yo mama's so short, you can see her feet on her driver's license

Jt0323
04-06-2006, 06:38 PM
WERE WAITING..............:fire: ........................:sidelol:
nothing, dogs can't talk :chuckle:

icephinfan
04-06-2006, 06:40 PM
Your Mama is so ugly she goes trick or treating over the phone

305TillIDie
04-06-2006, 06:42 PM
it was a millioniare and his daughter...the had a big mansion and gators in a pool in the back...so the millioniare wanted to throw a big party.... he says to the crowd '' if you can swim threw this pool... i will give you a million bucks or you can have my daughter''...everybody heard a big splash and they saw a guy in the pool swimming fast...the people was cheering for him.. the father was impress.. he ask the guy ''what do you want''.. the man shouted.. '' i dont want your money... i dont want your daughter... i want the m*$&$& f#&#&#& THAT PUSHED ME IN THE WATER! :lol:

miami234ever
04-06-2006, 06:43 PM
Your mama is so dumb that she tripped over a cordless telephone.

Your mama is so fat that when she jumped for joy she got stuck!

icephinfan
04-06-2006, 06:43 PM
it was a millioniare and his daughter...the had a big mansion and gators in a pool in the back...so the millioniare wanted to throw a big party.... he says to the crowd '' if you can swim threw this pool... i will give you a million bucks or you can have my daughter''...everybody heard a big splash and they saw a guy in the pool swimming fast...the people was cheering for him.. the father was impress.. he ask the guy ''what do you want''.. the man shouted.. '' i dont want your money... i dont want your daughter... i want the m*$&$& f#&#&#& THAT PUSHED ME IN THE WATER!

:sidelol: :sidelol: :sidelol: :sidelol: :sidelol:

HysterikiLL
04-06-2006, 06:43 PM
This thread is where humor goes to die. :rolleyes:

Jt0323
04-06-2006, 06:43 PM
This thread is where humor goes to die. :rolleyes:
:lol:

305TillIDie
04-06-2006, 06:44 PM
Your Mama is so ugly she goes trick or treating over the phone
:lol:

icephinfan
04-06-2006, 06:44 PM
3 nuns a duck and a midget walk into a bar.............

miami234ever
04-06-2006, 06:46 PM
Your Mama is so ugly she goes trick or treating over the phone


:lol:Haha nice one ice.

miami234ever
04-06-2006, 06:47 PM
3 nuns a duck and a midget walk into a bar.............

And then...

305TillIDie
04-06-2006, 06:48 PM
This thread is where humor goes to die. :rolleyes:
:D .. hate it or love it...underdogs always on top :lol:

icephinfan
04-06-2006, 06:48 PM
And then...

I don't know it sounded funny.....:sidelol:

miami234ever
04-06-2006, 06:50 PM
I don't know it sounded funny.....:sidelol:

LMAO:sidelol:

305TillIDie
04-06-2006, 06:51 PM
scarface crew walks into your house...what would you do?

icephinfan
04-06-2006, 06:52 PM
Hey 305 and Miami23 I gots to go, But I'll be back later, peace out fella'z.

miami234ever
04-06-2006, 06:54 PM
scarface crew walks into your house...what would you do?

Ask em if they want something 2 drink.:D

305TillIDie
04-06-2006, 06:54 PM
later homie

miami234ever
04-06-2006, 06:54 PM
Hey 305 and Miami23 I gots to go, But I'll be back later, peace out fella'z.

Peace out ice.

305TillIDie
04-06-2006, 06:57 PM
Ask em if they want something 2 drink.:D

give them the c*** and money :lol:

miami234ever
04-06-2006, 06:58 PM
give them the c*** and money :lol:

:lol:

dreday
04-06-2006, 08:53 PM
A WEALTHY HOSPITAL BENEFACTOR WAS VISITING THE HOSPITAL WHEN, DURING
HER TOUR, SHE PASSED A ROOM WHERE A MALE PATIENT WAS *********ing.

"OH MY GOD!" SCREAMED THE WOMAN. "THAT'S DISGRACEFUL! WHY IS HE
DOING THAT?"
THE DOCTOR THAT WAS LEADING THE TOUR EXPLAINED, "I AM VERY SORRY BUTTHIS MAN HAS A SERIOUS CONDITION WHERE THE TE$TICLES RAPIDLY FILL WITH
$EMEN. IF HE DOESN'T DO THAT FIVE TIMES A DAY, THEY'LL EXPLODE AND
HE'LL DIEWITHIN MINUTES."
"OH, WELL IN THAT CASE, I GUESS IT'S OK," COMMENTED THE WOMAN.
IN THE VERY NEXT ROOM THEY COULD SEE THAT A FEMALE NURSE WAS
PERFORMING ORAL $EX ON A DIFFERENT MALE PATIENT AGAIN THE WOMAN
SCREAMED "OHMY GOD! HOW CAN THAT BE JUSTIFIED?"
THE DOCTOR REPLIED..."SAME ILLNESS, BETTER HEALTH PLAN

FinHeathen
04-06-2006, 10:32 PM
How the hell are you gonna start an "Official Joke Thread" and not even start with a joke?

Ok. Here's a joke.

What's the only thing better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics?

Walking.

HysterikiLL
04-06-2006, 10:56 PM
A WEALTHY HOSPITAL BENEFACTOR WAS VISITING THE HOSPITAL WHEN, DURING
HER TOUR, SHE PASSED A ROOM WHERE A MALE PATIENT WAS *********ing.

"OH MY GOD!" SCREAMED THE WOMAN. "THAT'S DISGRACEFUL! WHY IS HE
DOING THAT?"
THE DOCTOR THAT WAS LEADING THE TOUR EXPLAINED, "I AM VERY SORRY BUTTHIS MAN HAS A SERIOUS CONDITION WHERE THE TE$TICLES RAPIDLY FILL WITH
$EMEN. IF HE DOESN'T DO THAT FIVE TIMES A DAY, THEY'LL EXPLODE AND
HE'LL DIEWITHIN MINUTES."
"OH, WELL IN THAT CASE, I GUESS IT'S OK," COMMENTED THE WOMAN.
IN THE VERY NEXT ROOM THEY COULD SEE THAT A FEMALE NURSE WAS
PERFORMING ORAL $EX ON A DIFFERENT MALE PATIENT AGAIN THE WOMAN
SCREAMED "OHMY GOD! HOW CAN THAT BE JUSTIFIED?"
THE DOCTOR REPLIED..."SAME ILLNESS, BETTER HEALTH PLAN


:shakeno:

Rocky Raccoon
04-06-2006, 10:57 PM
How the hell are you gonna start an "Official Joke Thread" and not even start with a joke?

Ok. Here's a joke.

What's the only thing better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics?

Walking.

:shakeno:

dreday
04-06-2006, 11:05 PM
:shakeno:
Well.Post a joke

icephinfan
04-06-2006, 11:41 PM
A WEALTHY HOSPITAL BENEFACTOR WAS VISITING THE HOSPITAL WHEN, DURING
HER TOUR, SHE PASSED A ROOM WHERE A MALE PATIENT WAS *********ing.

"OH MY GOD!" SCREAMED THE WOMAN. "THAT'S DISGRACEFUL! WHY IS HE
DOING THAT?"
THE DOCTOR THAT WAS LEADING THE TOUR EXPLAINED, "I AM VERY SORRY BUTTHIS MAN HAS A SERIOUS CONDITION WHERE THE TE$TICLES RAPIDLY FILL WITH
$EMEN. IF HE DOESN'T DO THAT FIVE TIMES A DAY, THEY'LL EXPLODE AND
HE'LL DIEWITHIN MINUTES."
"OH, WELL IN THAT CASE, I GUESS IT'S OK," COMMENTED THE WOMAN.
IN THE VERY NEXT ROOM THEY COULD SEE THAT A FEMALE NURSE WAS
PERFORMING ORAL $EX ON A DIFFERENT MALE PATIENT AGAIN THE WOMAN
SCREAMED "OHMY GOD! HOW CAN THAT BE JUSTIFIED?"
THE DOCTOR REPLIED..."SAME ILLNESS, BETTER HEALTH PLAN

:sidelol: :sidelol: :sidelol:

lazareth
04-06-2006, 11:52 PM
A man came home, screeching his car into the driveway, and ran into the house. He slammed the door and shouted at the top of his lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"

The wife said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," he said. "Just get the hell out."

icephinfan
04-07-2006, 12:02 AM
A man goes into a liquor store and buys some chips and soda, he then buys a lottery ticket for 1 dollar. That night he watched the Tv as the numbers were read off, Damn he said I won the lottery, it was $100,000 million dollars. He goes to the liquor store the next day to claim his prize. The clerk says" sorry sir you get your money in payments, not the whole sum," the guy in a rage says fine"GIVE ME MY DOLLAR BACK"

Static387
04-07-2006, 12:03 AM
Have you heard about the new color of paint?
It is called blonde.
Its not too bright & it spreads easy.

Static387
04-07-2006, 12:06 AM
Did you hear about the guy who rented the apartment above the bank?
Now his assets over a million dollars.

lazareth
04-07-2006, 12:08 AM
New Rules For 2006

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a**hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a**hole.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com <http://Classmates.com>! There's a reason you don't talk to people for
25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men. Stop being ashamed and come out!

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water?
Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of you're a**. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were hoping to goodness you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.


EDIT: not sure who this is...it was cc'd to me by a co-worker who thinks i needed to be a part of her inter-office humor ring...

icephinfan
04-07-2006, 12:08 AM
3 guys stranded on an island. One day a bottle comes to shore, one guy opens the bottle and a genie pops out. He says you get three wishes for freeing me and that's it.
The first guy says:I wish I was at a strip club....granted he's at a strip club
The 2nd guy says:I wish I was at a Dolphins game.....granted he's at the Dolphins game
The 3rd guy says Damn I'm lonely...I wish those guys were back!!!

lazareth
04-07-2006, 01:11 AM
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realised he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang,bang'.

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly".

icephinfan
04-08-2006, 03:29 AM
If a brunette,a smart blonde and Santa Claus jumped out of a plane who would land first?

icephinfan
04-08-2006, 03:30 AM
If a brunette,a smart blonde and Santa Claus jumped out of a plane who would land first?





The Brunette.......because there are no such things as Santa Claus and Smart Blonde's..

Metal Panda
04-08-2006, 01:29 PM
Ok. hope it wasn't done already.

A couple were on their first date and the guy wasn't sure, but he was picking up tendencies that his date might be a hermaphrodite. He wasn't sure exactly what it was about her that triggered this, but she gave out those vibes. He was extremely unsure, though, and wanted desperately to find out the truth, and did not know how.

Along the way, however, luck struck--she asked to pull over, since she had to go to the bathroom. He thought this was his chance.

She squatted in the bushes behind the car, and he crept up behind her, and put his hand between her legs, and sure enough, he felt something long and slender. His fears were true!

"Aha!" he screamed.

She gasped "You never told me you were a peeping Tom!"

He replied "and you didn't tell me you had to take a s***!"

icephinfan
04-09-2006, 03:15 AM
How does a blonde turn on the light in the morning?

icephinfan
04-09-2006, 03:16 AM
How does a blonde turn on the light in the morning?

She opens the car door!

CHRISCANEQB726
04-09-2006, 03:24 AM
She opens the car door!

windows ? light passes thru windows so there light already

icephinfan
04-09-2006, 03:39 AM
windows ? light passes thru windows so there light already

Oh Well

305TillIDie
04-09-2006, 05:15 AM
She opens the car door!

:sidelol:

PassRush
04-09-2006, 12:24 PM
A man walks into court with his lawyer and sits down. The judge says to the man, "well sir, it apears that you have been living well above your means, especialy what you reported on your taxes, what say you to these alagations of tax fraud?".

"Well sir, I am a compulsive gambler, I can prove it"

"Go ahead, sir" says the judge

"I will bet you $1000 dollars I can bite my own eye ball"

The judge says, "no way, I'll take it"

The man laughs a bit, takes out his glass eye and puts it in his mouth.

The judge is now pissed that he lost a grand and the man says "I will bet you another 10,000 that I can bite my other eye"

The judge thinks about it for a second, after seeing him walk into the court room, he is obviously not blind. "okay" the judge says, "I will take it"

The man then takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.

Finally, the judge is pissed he just lost 11 grand, and starts to cry. "I will tell you what judge, I will bet you 20,000 that I can stand on your desk and piss in that trash can 12 feet away"

The judge thinks about it for a few minutes, he has already lost so much money but there is absolutly no way he could possibly piss that far across the room. "okay, dont try anything funny this time"

"okay" the gambler says. He stands up and climbs up onto the judges desk, unzips his pants and starts to piss all over the judges desk, coming no where near the trash can.

The judge is exteemly happy that he finaly showed up the man and he made a $9,000 profit. The judge then looks over at the mans lawyer who is shaking and crying.

"whats wrong" the judge asks with a smile on his face.

The lawyer says "while we were driving here, he bet me $100,000 that he could piss on your desk and you would be happy about it"

305TillIDie
04-09-2006, 05:40 PM
what do you call a cow with no legs?

PassRush
04-09-2006, 05:41 PM
what do you call a cow with no legs?

Not moo-ving

icephinfan
04-09-2006, 05:42 PM
what do you call a cow with no legs?

Oh Damn......What????

305TillIDie
04-09-2006, 05:42 PM
Oh Damn......What????

ground beef!!:sidelol:

icephinfan
04-09-2006, 05:43 PM
ground beef!!:sidelol:


:lol: .......:sidelol: .....:lol: .....:sidelol:

icephinfan
04-09-2006, 05:48 PM
3 guys in prison see a genie who says okay today is your lucky day.Over the wall is your freedom, water on the bottom and air and space on top. Jump over the wall yell what you want to be and you will be free.
The first guy runs and jumps and yells Dolphin, he is turned into a Dolphin and he swims free.
The 2nd guy runs and jumps and yells Hawk, he turns in to a Hawk he is free.
The 3rd guy runs and jumps and yells oh CRAP...........:sidelol:

305TillIDie
04-09-2006, 05:54 PM
it was a man in a house, he was watching tv..he heard a lady fussing and have a fit. so he goes out to see whats going on. she checks the mail box ..she runs back in the house fast. she seems pissed off. she runs outside and checks again..she is still pissed off. she runs out and checks the mail box again..the man asks '' whats wrong?''..she says ''my computer keeps tell me i have mail!''

305TillIDie
04-09-2006, 05:55 PM
3 guys in prison see a genie who says okay today is your lucky day.Over the wall is your freedom, water on the bottom and air and space on top. Jump over the wall yell what you want to be and you will be free.
The first guy runs and jumps and yells Dolphin, he is turned into a Dolphin and he swims free.
The 2nd guy runs and jumps and yells Hawk, he turns in to a Hawk he is free.
The 3rd guy runs and jumps and yells oh CRAP...........:sidelol:
:sidelol: :sidelol:

icephinfan
04-09-2006, 05:56 PM
How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?????

icephinfan
04-09-2006, 06:00 PM
How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?????


There's white out all over the screen

305TillIDie
04-09-2006, 06:01 PM
How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?????
how??

305TillIDie
04-09-2006, 06:02 PM
There's white out all over the screen
:sidelol: :sidelol:

305TillIDie
04-09-2006, 06:06 PM
http://www.finheaven.com/images/imported/2006/04/s-1.gif [/URL] [URL="http://media.fastclick.net/w/click.here?sid=1716&m=6&c=1"] (http://media.fastclick.net/w/click.here?cid=48835&mid=96175&sid=1716&m=6&c=0) A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, and he couldn't move. "Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish...please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"
That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preacher's feet. "Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive...."
:sidelol: :sidelol:

icephinfan
04-09-2006, 06:08 PM
http://www.funny.com/Images/s.gif A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, and he couldn't move. "Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish...please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"
That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preacher's feet. "Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive...."
:sidelol: :sidelol:

:lol:

305TillIDie
04-09-2006, 06:09 PM
Top 10 Reasons to Work Naked

10. No one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
and (drum roll please) the number one Reason to Go To Work Naked:
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your a** in here by 8:00!"
:sidelol: :sidelol: :sidelol:

icephinfan
04-09-2006, 06:12 PM
Top 10 Reasons to Work Naked

10. No one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
and (drum roll please) the number one Reason to Go To Work Naked:
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your a** in here by 8:00!"
:sidelol: :sidelol: :sidelol:

:shakeno: .........................:sidelol:

icephinfan
04-09-2006, 06:16 PM
I can't think of one....:sidelol:

icephinfan
04-09-2006, 06:18 PM
How do you drown a blonde????

icephinfan
04-09-2006, 06:19 PM
How do you drown a blonde????

Put a mirror at the bottom of a pool

305TillIDie
04-09-2006, 06:19 PM
http://www.finheaven.com/images/imported/2006/04/IFramegrnUL-1.gifBrainteasers http://www.finheaven.com/images/imported/2006/04/IFramegrnUR-1.gifhttp://www.finheaven.com/images/imported/2006/04/s-1.gifhttp://www.finheaven.com/images/imported/2006/04/fn6644-1.jpgcan you figure these out?.. im trying myself :lol:

305TillIDie
04-09-2006, 06:20 PM
Put a mirror at the bottom of a pool

:sidelol:

305TillIDie
04-09-2006, 06:23 PM
half hearted...

icephinfan
04-09-2006, 06:24 PM
http://www.funny.com/Images/PageComponents/IFrame.grn.UL.gifBrainteasers http://www.funny.com/Images/PageComponents/IFrame.grn.UR.gifhttp://www.funny.com/Images/s.gifhttp://www.funny.com/_fc/0/1/fn.6644.jpgcan you figure these out?.. im trying myself :lol:


How many did you get...:lol:

icephinfan
04-09-2006, 06:26 PM
Back door, cross roads, inbreeds or crossbreeds....:sidelol:

305TillIDie
04-09-2006, 06:26 PM
How many did you get...:lol:
only one:lol: the second one... half hearted

icephinfan
04-09-2006, 06:26 PM
Middle aged

icephinfan
04-09-2006, 06:27 PM
I'm stuck....:sidelol:

305TillIDie
04-09-2006, 06:30 PM
I'm stuck....:sidelol:
me too :lol:

icephinfan
04-09-2006, 06:31 PM
UUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMM......:lol:

305TillIDie
04-09-2006, 06:32 PM
http://www.finheaven.com/images/imported/2006/04/IFramegrnUL-1.gifErr...I can't see the enemy! http://www.finheaven.com/images/imported/2006/04/IFramegrnUR-1.gifhttp://www.finheaven.com/images/imported/2006/04/s-1.gifhttp://www.finheaven.com/images/imported/2006/04/fn6621-1.jpg


:sidelol: :sidelol: :sidelol: :sidelol:

icephinfan
04-09-2006, 06:34 PM
http://www.funny.com/Images/PageComponents/IFrame.grn.UL.gifErr...I can't see the enemy! http://www.funny.com/Images/PageComponents/IFrame.grn.UR.gifhttp://www.funny.com/Images/s.gifhttp://www.funny.com/_fc/0/1/fn.6621.jpg


:sidelol: :sidelol: :sidelol: :sidelol:



My sides.........:sidelol: :sidelol: :lol: :lol:

305TillIDie
04-09-2006, 06:36 PM
http://www.finheaven.com/images/imported/2006/04/fn6758-1.jpg

305TillIDie
04-09-2006, 06:36 PM
:sidelol: :sidelol:

icephinfan
04-09-2006, 06:38 PM
http://www.funny.com/_fc/0/1/fn.6758.jpg


That is classic...........:eek: :eek: :eek: :sidelol: :sidelol: :sidelol:

Perfect23
04-09-2006, 09:25 PM
Why did the girl put a fish in her pocket.






To smell like her older sister.

icephinfan
04-10-2006, 01:16 AM
KNOCK KNOCK.....

icephinfan
04-10-2006, 02:15 AM
KNOCK KNOCK.....

Who's there?

icephinfan
04-10-2006, 02:15 AM
Who's there?

Banana

icephinfan
04-10-2006, 02:16 AM
Banana

Banana who?

icephinfan
04-10-2006, 02:17 AM
Banana who?

Knock Knock

icephinfan
04-10-2006, 02:17 AM
Knock Knock

Who's there?

icephinfan
04-10-2006, 02:18 AM
Who's there?

Orange

icephinfan
04-10-2006, 02:19 AM
Orange

Orange who??

icephinfan
04-10-2006, 02:20 AM
Orange who??

Orange you glad I didn't say BANANA!!!...............:sidelol:

icephinfan
04-10-2006, 02:22 AM
Your mom is so small....she plays handball on the curb

icephinfan
04-10-2006, 02:24 AM
Your mom is so small....she can sit on a book and dangle her legs

icephinfan
04-10-2006, 08:13 PM
Your mom is so tall she bumped her head on the moon and fell into a different galaxy.

305TillIDie
04-10-2006, 08:14 PM
knock knock

icephinfan
04-10-2006, 08:15 PM
Who's THERE?

305TillIDie
04-10-2006, 08:16 PM
Who's THERE?


ricky

icephinfan
04-10-2006, 08:17 PM
ricky

RICKY WHOOOO

305TillIDie
04-10-2006, 08:19 PM
RICKY WHOOOO

ricky.. sit your a** down.. you havent lost your case yet!! :lol: :lol:

icephinfan
04-10-2006, 08:20 PM
This is no joke:

ESPNEWS just said Lavar Arrington visited the PACKERS today!!!

icephinfan
04-10-2006, 08:21 PM
ricky.. sit your a** down.. you havent lost your case yet!! :lol: :lol:


:shakeno: ..............................................................................:lol:

305TillIDie
04-10-2006, 08:21 PM
This is no joke:

ESPNEWS just said Lavar Arrington visited the PACKERS today!!!
wow.. they might just sign him..damnnnn

icephinfan
04-10-2006, 08:22 PM
wow.. they might just sign him..damnnnn

They got crazy money too!!!!!!!!

305TillIDie
04-10-2006, 08:24 PM
They got crazy money too!!!!!!!!
yeah..i think they going to sign him...uh oh

icephinfan
04-10-2006, 08:25 PM
yeah..i think they going to sign him...uh oh

Could be a smoke screen though.

icephinfan
04-10-2006, 08:29 PM
Packers have been silent this off season, I wouldn't think twice about it.
COME 2 MIAMI DAMNIT!!!!!!!!!

305TillIDie
04-10-2006, 08:31 PM
Could be a smoke screen though.
yeah..that could be it too.. but i dont nothing pass those packers lol

icephinfan
04-10-2006, 08:33 PM
Hello, you whooooooo 305 are you there??????????

YOUUUUU WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

um hello or somethin uhh huuhh hhuuhhh huh huh uhh huh huh Beavis and Butt-Head.



HEY Where R U???
HELLOOOOOOOO

icephinfan
04-10-2006, 08:33 PM
yeah..that could be it too.. but i dont nothing pass those packers lol

OHHH THERE YOU ARE, THOUGHT YOU FELL ASLEEP!!!

305TillIDie
04-10-2006, 08:34 PM
Hello, you whooooooo 305 are you there??????????

YOUUUUU WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

um hello or somethin uhh huuhh hhuuhhh huh huh uhh huh huh Beavis and Butt-Head.



HEY Where R U???
HELLOOOOOOOO

:lol: :sidelol: :sidelol: :sidelol: :sidelol: uhhhhhh..kool.. yeah beavis... kool..huh huh huh

icephinfan
04-10-2006, 08:36 PM
7 midgets and 5 cats roll into a bar.........

icephinfan
04-10-2006, 08:37 PM
Your mom is so tall she bumped her head on the moon and fell into a different galaxy.


:sidelol:

305TillIDie
04-10-2006, 08:38 PM
:sidelol: :sidelol: :sidelol:

icephinfan
04-10-2006, 08:39 PM
12 bums and 90 strippers go into a bar...........

305TillIDie
04-10-2006, 08:42 PM
12 bums and 90 strippers go into a bar...........
and the strippers throws the money at the bums to get out??:sidelol: :sidelol: :sidelol:

icephinfan
04-10-2006, 08:45 PM
Hello um hello,

Ricky Williams goes into a club, a duck follows him and then an elf.
Ricky says hey Fiedler why did you bring your football.
Jay gets mad and calls his Father Dave Wanstedt.
Ricky says no wonder you got to start all the time.
Ricky says how do you like not being wanted by any teams!

305 are you in here, I have no idea what to write.
I'll start a story and you add to it.

icephinfan
04-10-2006, 08:47 PM
Jay Fiedler calls Nick Saban and says can I play for your team? Coach Saban says......................







Take it 305

305TillIDie
04-10-2006, 08:50 PM
Hello um hello,

Ricky Williams goes into a club, a duck follows him and then an elf.
Ricky says hey Fiedler why did you bring your football.
Jay gets mad and calls his Father Dave Wanstedt.
Ricky says no wonder you got to start all the time.
Ricky says how do you like not being wanted by any teams!

305 are you in here, I have no idea what to write.
I'll start a story and you add to it.

:sidelol: :sidelol:

Big Pep sees Jason taylor
pep says '' why you get all the commericals?''
jt says..''its easy.. be on a wannestedt team.. youll get the media hype.
pep '' why is that''
jt ''thats cause if you suck..you will be the hot topic''
pep..ok..lets ask saban to lose..i want them commericals!

305TillIDie
04-10-2006, 08:52 PM
[quote=icephinfan]Jay Fiedler calls Nick Saban and says can I play for your team? Coach Saban says...no.. my sorry jay.. you need to leave your wounded duck coach alone..im sorry

icephinfan
04-10-2006, 08:55 PM
[quote=icephinfan]Jay Fiedler calls Nick Saban and says can I play for your team? Coach Saban says...no.. my sorry jay.. you need to leave your wounded duck coach alone..im sorry

But, my ears are going to be able to hear all the defenses, please coach let me play here.

305TillIDie
04-10-2006, 08:57 PM
[quote=305TillIDie]

But, my ears are going to be able to hear all the defenses, please coach let me play here.

jay.. im not wasting money on a qb with no good arm.. just go to houston.. they sign anybody!:sidelol: :sidelol:

icephinfan
04-10-2006, 08:58 PM
[quote=icephinfan]

jay.. im not wasting money on a qb with no good arm.. just go to houston.. they sign anybody!:sidelol: :sidelol:

They turned me down...can I be your waterboy or something?:sidelol:

305TillIDie
04-10-2006, 09:01 PM
[quote=305TillIDie]

They turned me down...can I be your waterboy or something?:sidelol:

sure jay.. you know how to open the cooler?.. i really hope soon.. ready to sign your water providing contract? :sidelol:

icephinfan
04-10-2006, 09:02 PM
[quote=icephinfan]

sure jay.. you know how to open the cooler?.. i really hope soon.. ready to sign your water providing contract? :sidelol:

I'll try not to throw a INT with the water bottles, but it is hard for me to throw good passes.:sidelol: :sidelol: :sidelol:

305TillIDie
04-10-2006, 09:06 PM
[quote=305TillIDie]

I'll try not to throw a INT with the woter bottles, but it is hard for me to throw good passes.:sidelol: :sidelol: :sidelol:
no problem jay.. we will give you a rope connected to the bottles.. if a player want water, just throw the rope and make sure the play doesnt drop the bottle.. ok jay?:sidelol: :sidelol:

icephinfan
04-10-2006, 09:08 PM
[quote=icephinfan]
no problem jay.. we will give you a rope connected to the bottles.. if a player want water, just throw the rope and make sure the play doesnt drop the bottle.. ok jay?:sidelol: :sidelol:

I'll try but my EARS might get in the way......hey tell Cleo Lemon quit making fun of me!!!:boohoo:

Perfect23
04-10-2006, 09:55 PM
Whats good on pizza but not on p---y.

wazzy
04-10-2006, 10:09 PM
Whats good on pizza but not on p---y.

What?:confused:

Rocky Raccoon
04-10-2006, 10:10 PM
Whats good on pizza but not on p---y.

anchovies?

Perfect23
04-10-2006, 10:12 PM
anchovies?


:lol: Crust.

lazareth
04-11-2006, 12:28 AM
your sister is so fat...your mom had to hire rodeo clowns just to get the groceries in the house!

icephinfan
04-11-2006, 05:50 PM
Your mom is so small she can play handball on the curb.

dreday
04-11-2006, 08:10 PM
For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His
father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
$280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford
it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door
with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?".
Little Patrick told him: "I was walking past your room last night heard
you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait
because she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000
mortgage & no bike!"

icephinfan
04-28-2006, 11:37 PM
Your Mom is so fat her shadow weighs 45 pounds!!!

Perfect23
04-30-2006, 09:23 PM
Yo momma so dumb she thought fruit punch was a gay boxer.

mor911
05-16-2006, 11:01 AM
Genius Pilot
A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important executives on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous. At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Hey, where am I?". The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane.". The pilot immediately executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it. "Elementary," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees."


Doctor Boy
One day, Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first time in her life.

Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.

Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

Celtkin
05-16-2006, 11:30 AM
Genius Pilot
A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important executives on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous. At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Hey, where am I?". The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane.". The pilot immediately executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it. "Elementary," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees."


Doctor Boy
One day, Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first time in her life.

Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.

Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

:sidelol:

Priceless

cnc66
05-20-2006, 07:31 AM
To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation. This has been nominated for the best email of 2005.

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

G: "What?"

RS: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

G: "I don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bodder?"

G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Excuse me?"

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"

G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."

G: "You're very welcome."

like2god
05-20-2006, 08:09 AM
The bear and the rabbit
There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.

The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish.

The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish. It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."

like2god
05-20-2006, 08:10 AM
http://www.jokes.com/images/pixels/pix_clear.gifhttp://www.jokes.com/images/pixels/pix_clear.gif
A Natural Blind
A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?" The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

like2god
05-20-2006, 08:12 AM
Indecent Exposure
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts.
A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
"Why, officer?" asks the blonde.
"Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed." "Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I left my baby on the bus!"

like2god
05-20-2006, 08:13 AM
Breast Stroke
There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher. Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."

like2god
05-20-2006, 08:15 AM
Easter Blondies
Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them before they could enter Heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said,"So, tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder....
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
"Then," the blonde continued, "now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball." St. Peter fainted...

like2god
05-20-2006, 08:16 AM
3 Wishes
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.
One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."
The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."
POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."
POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.
The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?" The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

like2god
05-20-2006, 08:16 AM
A Brunette a red head and a blonde were in ...
A brunette, a red-head and a blonde were in jail when they decided to break out. The girls broke out and the brunette said, "Let's hide in that barn, they'll never find us."
So they climed up the ladder and then the blonde threw it down.
The next morning, the cops said, "Come out with your hands in the air!"
The red-head said, "Hide in those baskets, they'll never find us!"
So the Brunette got in the first one, the red-head got in the second one and the blonde got in the third one. Meanwhile, the cops were getting a ladder set up and trying to get up there. Once they got up, the seargent ordered them to kick the baskets.
So the cop kicked the first one: "RUFF."
"It's just a damn dog!" yelled the cop.
The cop kicked the next one: "MEOW."
"It's just a damn cat," yelled the cop. The cop kicked the next basket and the blonde yelled, "POTATOES!"

like2god
05-20-2006, 08:17 AM
Bad reception
A blonde went to eletronic store and she asked, "How is much is this TV?"
The salesman said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."
The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."
The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don''t sell to blondes." She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?"
"Because that is not a TV, it''s a microwave."

like2god
05-20-2006, 08:19 AM
Splish Splash Through the Field
A blond was driving along a country road, listening to the radio. The D.J. was telling blonde jokes one after the other, and she got extremly pissed off and turned of the radio. She continued down the road, and in a field she saw another blond in a canoe trying to row across the field. She stopped and got out of the car, and yelled across to the other blond, "It's Blondes like you who make everyone think I'm stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and give you a piece of my mind!"

like2god
05-20-2006, 08:21 AM
Special Remedy
One day a guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc I have these real bad headaches. What should I do?"
The doctor replies, "Well, to get rid of my headaches I just have sex with my wife." They both laugh.
A week later the patient returns. The doctor asks, "How are you feeling?" The patient smiles and replies" You were right! I feel so much better. And, by the way, Doc, you have a lovely home."

like2god
05-20-2006, 08:26 AM
OLD PEOPLE SEX

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small town. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."

Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "how about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake?

"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."

So he follows them. They walk haltingly along leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.

Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. The old man moves in as she reaches back to hang on to the fence. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, still watching to make sure they're OK, thinks that was truly amazing. The old guy was going like a train. He wants to know what his secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "That was something else! You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? Is there some sort of a secret?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago, that wasn't an electric fence."

like2god
05-20-2006, 08:27 AM
Potato in the Pants
James was on the beach, and could not understand why Bob had attracted all the girls, while he had no luck. So he asked Rich "why do you get all the girls and I get nothing?"
Bob replied "take a potato and tuck it in your swimming trunks. It drives the women wild!"
So James stuffed a potato in his suit and paraded up and down the beach. Several hours later, he still had no woman.
James went to see Bob again and said "I've tried the potato and it doesn't work!" Bob looked at James and asked, "have you tried putting the potato in the front?"

like2god
05-20-2006, 08:29 AM
Definitely
Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!" "OK...then I DEFINITELY sh*t my pants..."

like2god
05-20-2006, 08:30 AM
There is this old couple and they have been ...
There is this old couple and they have been married for a long time. They hadn't had sex in a while, so the wife goes out and buys some crotch less underwear.
She goes home and puts them on and goes downstairs. Her husband is sitting in the living room watching sports on tv and she goes and sits in front of him, but he tries to look aroung her at the tv.
She opens her legs and says, "You want some of this?" The husban replies, "Hell no, look what it did to your underwear."

like2god
05-20-2006, 08:32 AM
Fix This
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well, then could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

like2god
05-20-2006, 08:35 AM
A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?" "Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"
"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces." "Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is." "It's a big rooster," she said. The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."

like2god
05-20-2006, 08:37 AM
Back in the old Wild West, there were two blonde cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong drink in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his arm.

The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians, last week they burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children."
He then says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars."
The two blondes looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head. The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine.

The two blondes made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy. Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this." Dave replied, "Not now, I'm busy." Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this." Dave said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand." But Jeff was adamant.
"Please, Dave, take a look at this."
So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians. Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh my God, we're going to be millionaires!"

like2god
05-20-2006, 08:38 AM
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of dum blond jokes when a big blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blond pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little f*cker on your knee!"

like2god
05-20-2006, 08:41 AM
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

"Yes officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ........."

"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off. "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth".

like2god
05-20-2006, 08:42 AM
There were these three classic guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room. He tells them "Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in." So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas. The second guy was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of money. The third guy jumps, when a bird sh*ts on his head, and he yells "Oh Sh*t!"

like2god
05-20-2006, 08:43 AM
One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names? The dad answers, "Well son whenever a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees... Why do you ask Two Dogs F*cking?"

like2god
05-20-2006, 08:45 AM
A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of ******* who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of ******* that are getting on, get your ***** in the train cause were leaving".

The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.

Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the ***** in the kitchen."

like2god
05-20-2006, 08:46 AM
A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your boob, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If your d*ck is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."

like2god
05-20-2006, 08:47 AM
A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"

like2god
05-20-2006, 08:48 AM
A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.
Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."
Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."
Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"
Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."

The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.
Mom : "Now what do I do?"
Son : "Get your @ss out of bed, you wh*re, and fix that kid some f*cking ice cream."

like2god
05-20-2006, 08:51 AM
A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"

"Fertilizer," the farmer replied. "What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.

"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer. "You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."

like2god
05-20-2006, 08:52 AM
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.

like2god
05-20-2006, 08:53 AM
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit

like2god
05-20-2006, 08:56 AM
Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbor Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells,
"Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?" Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "Bruce. You got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."

Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Sheila... Not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too." ...and drives off.

like2god
05-20-2006, 08:58 AM
A man says to his wife, "I fancy kinky sex, how about I finish myself off in your ear?" The wife hastily replies, "No, I might go deaf!" To which the man replies, "I've been shooting wad in your mouth for the last 20 years and you're still talking aren't you?"

like2god
05-20-2006, 08:59 AM
The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone." The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?" "Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should
see all the sports cars outside our house!"

like2god
05-20-2006, 09:02 AM
A middle aged couple went to a spouse swapping party. They met a Martian couple and thought it would be nice to switch partners for the night. So they went off with the opposite spouse. When the woman saw the male martians' ***** she said "Well that's nice but it's kind of short isn't it?" Well the martian reached up and patted his head. While he did that his ***** got longer and longer. The woman saw that and said "That's nice but it's not very fat is it?" The martian reached up and pulled on his ears. As he was doing that his ***** got fatter and fatter. The women had a grand time that night. In the morning the man and woman were comparing their experience. The woman said "I really enjoyed myself, we should swap again." The man said "I enjoyed it too but, I just can't figure out why she kept patting my head and pulling my ears!"

like2god
05-20-2006, 09:04 AM
Three women were in the waiting room of a gynaecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill. "What was that?" The others asked her. "Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy." A few minutes later, another woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked. "Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong." They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her. "It's Thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this damn sweater!"

like2god
05-20-2006, 09:05 AM
A professor at the University of Texas was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you
who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hands.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises! his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba,
tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Bubba replied, "Heck! From way back there I thought you said "Goats!"

like2god
05-20-2006, 09:08 AM
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

like2god
05-20-2006, 09:09 AM
A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"

FishFaninKy
05-20-2006, 09:39 AM
A WEALTHY HOSPITAL BENEFACTOR WAS VISITING THE HOSPITAL WHEN, DURING
HER TOUR, SHE PASSED A ROOM WHERE A MALE PATIENT WAS *********ing.

"OH MY GOD!" SCREAMED THE WOMAN. "THAT'S DISGRACEFUL! WHY IS HE
DOING THAT?"
THE DOCTOR THAT WAS LEADING THE TOUR EXPLAINED, "I AM VERY SORRY BUTTHIS MAN HAS A SERIOUS CONDITION WHERE THE TE$TICLES RAPIDLY FILL WITH
$EMEN. IF HE DOESN'T DO THAT FIVE TIMES A DAY, THEY'LL EXPLODE AND
HE'LL DIEWITHIN MINUTES."
"OH, WELL IN THAT CASE, I GUESS IT'S OK," COMMENTED THE WOMAN.
IN THE VERY NEXT ROOM THEY COULD SEE THAT A FEMALE NURSE WAS
PERFORMING ORAL $EX ON A DIFFERENT MALE PATIENT AGAIN THE WOMAN
SCREAMED "OHMY GOD! HOW CAN THAT BE JUSTIFIED?"
THE DOCTOR REPLIED..."SAME ILLNESS, BETTER HEALTH PLAN

:sidelol: :sidelol: :sidelol:

FinFan72
05-20-2006, 02:06 PM
A jock and a geek applying for the same job.
The boss said, "Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job."

So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose. "Well," he said, "Both of you got the same score except I'm going to choose the geek."

The jock complained, "Don't you think that's prejudice or something?"

"Well," the boss said, "Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were right all the way through until the last question came up, and the geek answered 'I don't know,' and then when I looked at your paper, you answered, 'Me either'.

FinFan72
05-20-2006, 02:08 PM
There are two old guys in a park feeding birds,Bob and Sam. They are big baseball fans so they talk about baseball a lot.

Bob asked Sam, "I wonder if there is baseball in heaven?" Sam didn't know.

Two weeks later,Bob dies so Sam is all alone feeding the birds, while he is sitting there Sam hears Bob's voice saying, "Sam,Sam."

Sam says,"Bob is that you?"

Bob answers,"Yes,I have good news and bad news. "

Sam asked,"What's the good news?"Bob tells him there is baseball in heaven. Sam asked what the bad news is.Bob says, "Your pitching Friday."

FinFan72
05-20-2006, 02:11 PM
There Were These Three Men, A Cowboy, An African American, And A Native American. They All Have Been Summoned To A Certain Cliff By God.

They All Meet, And God Appears In The Shape Of Clouds. He Says To Them, "step Forth Native American," So He Steps Up And Says, "yes Father, What Have I Done To Displease You?" God Says, "you Have Murdered Too Many People In Your Lifetime, So I Will Grant You This One Wish, If You Jump Off This Cliff, And Shout The Name Of The Animal You Wish To Be, I Will Reincarnate You Into The Specific Animal And Give You Eternal Life." ,


So The Native American Jumps Off The Cliff And Shouts," I Want To Be An Eagle!" One Second Later, An Eagle Glides Away Into The Blue Horizon.

Next Was The Black Man. God Says, " You Have Murdered Too Many People In You Life, So I Will Grant You This One Wish, If You Jump Off This Cliff, And Shout The Name Of The Animal You Wish To Be, I Will Reincarnate You Into The Specific Animal And Give You Eternal Life."


So The Black Guy Jumps Off And Shouts. " I Want To Be A Bear!"

He Lands On The Ground And Starts Grazing Away As A Black Bear.

Next Was The Cowboy. God Gives Him The Same Speech About Murdering Too Many People And How He Will Give Him Eternal Life As Any Animal He Shouts.

So The Cowboy Runs And As Soon As He Gets To The Edge And Jumps, He Tripped Ove A Rock And Shouted ," Oh ****!!!!"

FinFan72
05-20-2006, 02:15 PM
For Michael's birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he came home from work. After some careful consideration, she decided to strip naked and wrap herself in Saran wrap from her shoulders to her ankles.

Pretty soon Michael enters his house exhausted from a tough day at work. He walks through the kitchen, places his lunchbox down, and hears his wife say, "Honey! I'm in the living room."

Rounding the corner, Michael spots his wife all wrapped up in plastic. After a quick peek, he immediately remarks, "Leftovers again!"

FinFan72
05-20-2006, 02:22 PM
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quietened down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.


Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less

NOW --------

Enough of that crap . .

The donkey later came back and bit the **** out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON

When you do something wrong and try to cover your ***, it always comes back to bite you.

FinFan72
05-20-2006, 02:25 PM
If someone tells you to kiss his/hers as*, you can simply answer: I rather kiss your as* than your face!

Rocky Raccoon
05-20-2006, 02:28 PM
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quietened down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.


Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less

NOW --------

Enough of that crap . .

The donkey later came back and bit the **** out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON

When you do something wrong and try to cover your ***, it always comes back to bite you.

:sidelol:

FinFan72
05-20-2006, 02:30 PM
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

FinFan72
05-20-2006, 02:32 PM
http://www.finheaven.com/images/imported/2006/05/157596womanparking-1.jpg

FinFan72
05-20-2006, 02:34 PM
What are the first words you should say if ever a policeman says "Anything you say will be used against you in a court of law!" Simple you say "Please don't hit me again officer!"

FinFan72
05-20-2006, 02:35 PM
A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the interior light on.

There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.

"I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."

FinFan72
05-20-2006, 02:41 PM
"A Wise Irishman"

An Irishman fell a hundred feet from a building site and asked if he was hurt by the fall. "Indeed not," he replied, "It wasn't the fall that hurt me at all, it was de landing."

FinFan72
05-20-2006, 02:43 PM
"So, have you figured what to buy the Missus for Christmas?" asked Brady. "I, sure have, she decided it for me," answered Paddy. "She said she wanted something with diamonds in it, so I've bought her a pack of cards."

FinFan72
05-20-2006, 02:44 PM
Paddy and Seamus landed themselves a job at the local sawmill. Just before morning tea Paddy yelped, "Seamus, I've lost me bleedin finger!!!" "Have you now?" says Seamus, "And how did you do it?" "Well, I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...God damn it, there goes another one!!!"

FinFan72
05-20-2006, 02:47 PM
"Celebrity Computer Viruses"


Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

Titanic virus: Makes your whole computer go down.

Disney virus: Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

Prozac virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

Sharon Stone virus: Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.

BBC virus: Runs the same programs over and over, week after week after week.

Woody Allen virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.

Bill Clinton virus: Won't let you query the system for information.

Saddam Hussein virus: Won't let you into any of your programs.

X-files virus: All your Icons start shape shifting.

Spice Girl virus: Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

British Telecom virus: Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

FinFan72
05-20-2006, 02:51 PM
I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a traffic cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, I was only in there 3 minutes" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!

So I called him a as*hole. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!

This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner.

FinFan72
05-20-2006, 02:58 PM
A Girl was in the hospital, her parents sat waiting in the waiting room...finally the doctor comes out. Both parents jump up, and the whole room watches. "Is it serious?" the mom asked. "She needs a brain transplant" the doctor replies. Both parents stand silent for a moment...then the father asks, "How much is it gonna cost?"
The brain? Girl's are 450 dollars, and boy's are 5,800dollars"
All the men in the room seem to chuckle to themselves, then finally the fatherbrings himself to ask, "Why are the boys more expensive than the girl's?" THe doctor looks at him and replies, "We have to mark the girl's down because they're used."

FinFan72
05-20-2006, 03:00 PM
One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all died and went to heaven. St. Peter was there, having a bad day because heaven was getting crowded. When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there would be a test to get into Heaven.

They each had to answer a single question. To the teacher, he said, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?" The teacher thought for a second, and then replied: "That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter let him through the gate.

Next, St. Peter turned to the garbage man, and figuring that heaven didn’t really need all the stink that this guy would bring in, decided to make the question a little harder. "How many people died on the ship?" The garbage man had a great mind for trivia and said 1228, to which St. Peter said, "That happens to be right. Go ahead."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "What were their names?"

FinFan72
05-20-2006, 03:01 PM
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God’s work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a free house alarm system at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

FinFan72
05-20-2006, 03:05 PM
A man was very proud of his guard dog, he would leave it to roam free in the garden to sow the world his house was guarded. One day a woman knocked at his door. "Is that your big dog outside?" Wondering how she had got past him he said "Yes why?" She said I'm sorry but my dog just killed him!" "What??" Roared the man "What kind of dog have you got??" "A Peke" Replied the woman. "A Peke??? how could that little thing kill my big fine guard dog?" "I think it got stuck in his throat!" Replied the woman

FinFan72
05-20-2006, 03:07 PM
A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5- story
hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are
without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it
works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor-by-floor, and once you
find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to
decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:
"All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends
laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short
and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends
continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here
are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so,
knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are
tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in
when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering
what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This
floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a
woman."

FinFan72
05-20-2006, 03:10 PM
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

**********************

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $10, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

*********************

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

********************

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

******************

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

********************

CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men throw things at cats.

**********************

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

**********************

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

********************

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change... but she does.

**********************

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man may put on shoes for weddings and funerals.

*********************

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

**********************

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

***********************

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

FinFan72
05-20-2006, 03:12 PM
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife Wanted". Next day he received three hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

FinFan72
05-20-2006, 03:13 PM
Why is it a waste of money to buy your wife a gold watch for her birthday? Because there is a perfectly good clock on the Stove!

FinFan72
05-20-2006, 03:16 PM
"Blonde Dad"

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he asks.

"I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he is dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

''You scumbag!" says the husband. "My wife is having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"

FinFan72
05-20-2006, 08:24 PM
A blind man enters a Ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender: "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 160 LB. blonde
woman with a black belt in Karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is
blonde and is a proffesional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde
and is a proffesional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares: "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".

FinFan72
05-20-2006, 08:26 PM
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. For years, they live there, and one day they find a magic lamp. They rub it, and sure enough, out comes a genie. The genie says "since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one" So the brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life - I just want to go home." POOF, she is gone. The redhead makes her wish, "This place sucks, I want to go home too." POOF, she
is gone. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "What is the matter?" The blonde said, "I wish my friends were here."

FinFan72
05-20-2006, 08:27 PM
There are three ladies working together in the same office - a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. After a while, they begin to notice that each day their boss, who is also female, leaves work early.

After this pattern continued for a few weeks, one day they decide that as soon as their boss takes off they'll leave right after her; after all, she never comes back or calls so how would she know? So, after their boss takes off they all leave as planned.

The brunette was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting her dinner date. The redhead was thrilled to be home early; she did a little gardening and went to bed early.

As for the blonde, she was so happy to finally come home early for once. But when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house without saying a word.

The next day during their coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again and asked the blonde if she wanted to go with them.

"NO WAY!" The blonde exclaimed, "I damn near got caught yesterday!"

FinFan72
05-20-2006, 08:28 PM
A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.

"I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "And as I have more time left, I'm rechecking my answers."

FinFan72
05-20-2006, 08:30 PM
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves. As her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

FinFan72
05-20-2006, 08:35 PM
"Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder:...
-- What was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day!...
-- Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful as you....
-- have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love...
-- After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...
-- I never believed in Hell until I met you."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
-- that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me...
-- Like the need for therapy."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!...
-- I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Before you go,...
I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
-- You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married...
-- but not to you."

"You look great for your age...
-- Almost Lifelike!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me...
-- Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend...
-- So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time...
-- What do you say we call it quits?"

"I'm so miserable without you...
-- It's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
-- Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
-- I'd miss you heaps and think of you often

JPhinfan86
05-21-2006, 04:25 AM
Q: What's The Difference Between A Woman And A Computer?

A: A Computer Will Accept A 3 1/2 Inch Floppy.

icephinfan
05-21-2006, 04:27 AM
CAR TROUBLE: A blond pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling
smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the
carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

icephinfan
05-21-2006, 04:28 AM
SPEEDING TICKET: A police officer stops a blond for speeding and asks
her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I
wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away
my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

icephinfan
05-21-2006, 04:28 AM
RIVER WALK: There's this blond out for a walk. She comes to a river and
sees another blond on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can
I get to the other side?" The second blond looks up the river then down
the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

icephinfan
05-21-2006, 04:29 AM
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE: A redhead goes into the doctor's office and said
that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the
doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left leg
and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She
pushed her right knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and
screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said,
"You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm
actually a blond." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is
broken."

icephinfan
05-21-2006, 04:30 AM
KNITTING: A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blond
behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his
flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned
on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blond yelled back,
"IT'S A SCARF!"

icephinfan
05-21-2006, 04:31 AM
IN A VACUUM: A blond was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her
turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her
question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can
you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

icephinfan
05-21-2006, 04:31 AM
BLONDE DOGS: A girl was visiting her blond friend, who had acquired two
new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blond responded by
saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend
said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!

ponchovilla
05-21-2006, 04:32 AM
Q: What's The Difference Between A Woman And A Computer?

A: A Computer Will Accept A 3 1/2 Inch Floppy.
:D

like2god
05-21-2006, 05:36 AM
Q: What's The Difference Between A Woman And A Computer?

A: A Computer Will Accept A 3 1/2 Inch Floppy.

:lol:

icephinfan
05-22-2006, 12:40 AM
Yo momma is so short she can walk under a closed door.

305TillIDie
05-22-2006, 12:57 AM
We Have Too Many

A Japanese person, a Frenchman, a Mexican, and George Bush, are standing on top of a tall building. The Japanese person grabs a computer chip, throws it off, and says, "We have too many computer chips in our country." The Frenchman grabs a beret, throws it off, and says, "We have too many berets in our country." The Mexican grabs a taco, throws it off, and says, "We have too many tacos in our country." George Bush thinks for a second, looks around, and then grabs the Mexican

icephinfan
05-22-2006, 12:59 AM
We Have Too Many

A Japanese person, a Frenchman, a Mexican, and George Bush, are standing on top of a tall building. The Japanese person grabs a computer chip, throws it off, and says, "We have too many computer chips in our country." The Frenchman grabs a beret, throws it off, and says, "We have too many berets in our country." The Mexican grabs a taco, throws it off, and says, "We have too many tacos in our country." George Bush thinks for a second, looks around, and then grabs the Mexican

:sidelol: :sidelol: :sidelol: :sidelol: :sidelol:

FinFan72
05-22-2006, 01:35 PM
We Have Too Many

A Japanese person, a Frenchman, a Mexican, and George Bush, are standing on top of a tall building. The Japanese person grabs a computer chip, throws it off, and says, "We have too many computer chips in our country." The Frenchman grabs a beret, throws it off, and says, "We have too many berets in our country." The Mexican grabs a taco, throws it off, and says, "We have too many tacos in our country." George Bush thinks for a second, looks around, and then grabs the Mexican
:sidelol: :sidelol: :sidelol: :lolcry:

JPhinfan86
05-23-2006, 05:16 AM
:lol:
:chuckle: I wrote this joke on the dry erase board of my Civil War course at my college before class. As people walked in they kept laughing. The professor came in, read it but didn't laugh. He asked who did it and I didn't say anything. Then, to my relief, he said "cuz it's damn funny"....I then proceeded to stick my hand up. I wasn't about to hang myself though. :lol:

FinFan72
05-25-2006, 08:22 AM
The Thought Process...
A teacher was working with her seventh grade class on "Thinking Skills". She was giving some concrete examples of deductive reasoning skills.

"I'm holding an object behind my back", she said, "And it's round and red."

Little Mary in the front row stuck her hand up. "Is it a cherry?" she inquired.

"No," said the teacher,"It's an apple, but I like the way you think."

Next the teacher said, "I'm holding something behind my back. It's long and yellow. Can anyone guess what it is?"

"A banana! A banana!" shouted little Freddy.

"No," said the teacher, "It's a pencil, but I like the way you think."

A voice boomed from the back of the room. It was Dukie. "Hey teach, how about I hide something and you guess." Not to be outdone the teacher agreed.

Dukie swaggered up to the front of the room, dug his hand into his pocket, and said, "I've got something in my pocket. It's round and hard and it's got a head on it."

The teacher thought for a moment, her face reddened. "Dukie, that's obscene, sit down."

"No it's not teach," he said as he brought his hand out of his pocket. "It's a quarter, but I like the way you think."

Jimi
05-25-2006, 08:41 AM
The Thought Process...
A teacher was working with her seventh grade class on "Thinking Skills". She was giving some concrete examples of deductive reasoning skills.

"I'm holding an object behind my back", she said, "And it's round and red."

Little Mary in the front row stuck her hand up. "Is it a cherry?" she inquired.

"No," said the teacher,"It's an apple, but I like the way you think."

Next the teacher said, "I'm holding something behind my back. It's long and yellow. Can anyone guess what it is?"

"A banana! A banana!" shouted little Freddy.

"No," said the teacher, "It's a pencil, but I like the way you think."

A voice boomed from the back of the room. It was Dukie. "Hey teach, how about I hide something and you guess." Not to be outdone the teacher agreed.

Dukie swaggered up to the front of the room, dug his hand into his pocket, and said, "I've got something in my pocket. It's round and hard and it's got a head on it."

The teacher thought for a moment, her face reddened. "Dukie, that's obscene, sit down."

"No it's not teach," he said as he brought his hand out of his pocket. "It's a quarter, but I like the way you think."

:sidelol: :sidelol: :sidelol:

icephinfan
05-25-2006, 10:50 AM
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?



Smells like carrots:D

FinFan72
05-25-2006, 03:03 PM
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?



Smells like carrots:D
:smackhead:

Spray Mucus
05-25-2006, 03:09 PM
not sure if it's been told already.


edit: nevermind, it may be to offensive.

FinFan72
05-25-2006, 06:07 PM
not sure if it's been told already.


edit: nevermind, it may be to offensive.
spit it out bro :wink:

Spray Mucus
05-25-2006, 06:10 PM
spit it out bro :wink:

seriously I would but, you never know when a mod is having a bad day and strikes me dead.

305TillIDie
05-25-2006, 06:15 PM
seriously I would but, you never know when a mod is having a bad day and strikes me dead.most posts they let go..i did a mexican joke the other day..its all in good fun..its the joke thread :wink:

Spray Mucus
05-25-2006, 07:00 PM
most posts they let go..i did a mexican joke the other day..its all in good fun..its the joke thread :wink:

ok but if I get warning points, you and FinFan72 just made my Sh!t list. :wink:

edit: ok the two who wanted to see it, saw it.

FinFan72
05-25-2006, 07:03 PM
:eek:

Spray Mucus
05-25-2006, 07:04 PM
:eek:

hey thanx for quoting me, now there's no take backs.

FinFan72
05-25-2006, 07:08 PM
hey thanx for quoting me, now there's no take backs.
Now there is :wink:

Spray Mucus
05-25-2006, 07:11 PM
Now there is :wink:

muuhahahhaa!! :hi5:

FinFan72
05-25-2006, 07:17 PM
muuhahahhaa!! :hi5:
:up:

305TillIDie
05-26-2006, 04:29 PM
AN AMAZING CONCLUSION

http://www.finheaven.com/clear.gif


1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.


http://www.finheaven.com/clear.gif


2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.


http://www.finheaven.com/clear.gif


3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.


http://www.finheaven.com/clear.gif


4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.



http://www.finheaven.com/clear.gif

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.


http://www.finheaven.com/clear.gif

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.



AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

TotoreMexico
05-26-2006, 04:31 PM
AN AMAZING CONCLUSION

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/images/basketball-sports.gif


1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.


http://www.ebaumsworld.com/images/bowling-sports.gif


2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.


http://www.ebaumsworld.com/images/football-sports.gif


3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.


http://www.ebaumsworld.com/images/baseball-sports.gif


4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.



http://www.ebaumsworld.com/images/tennis-sports.gif

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.


http://www.ebaumsworld.com/images/golf-sports.gif

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.



AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.



:lol: So true

icephinfan
05-26-2006, 04:32 PM
AN AMAZING CONCLUSION

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/images/basketball-sports.gif


1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.


http://www.ebaumsworld.com/images/bowling-sports.gif


2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.


http://www.ebaumsworld.com/images/football-sports.gif


3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.


http://www.ebaumsworld.com/images/baseball-sports.gif


4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.



http://www.ebaumsworld.com/images/tennis-sports.gif

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.


http://www.ebaumsworld.com/images/golf-sports.gif

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.



AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.





:sidelol:

305TillIDie
05-26-2006, 04:33 PM
75 WAYS TO ORDER A PIZZA


1. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. When they ask for your phone # give them theirs and see if they notice.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
10. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
11. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
12. Stutter on the letter "p."
13. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
15. Change your accent every three seconds.
16. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
20. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" See how they respond.
21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
22. Imitate the order taker's voice.
23. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
26. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
28. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
29. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
30. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
31. Ask to see a menu.
32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
33. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
34. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
35. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.
36. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
37. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
38. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
39. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
40. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
41. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
42. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
43. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
44. Try to talk while drinking something.
45. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"
46. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
47. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
48. Be vague in your order.
49. Use CB lingo where applicable.
50. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
51. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
52. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
53. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
55. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
56. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
57. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
58. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
59. Put them on hold.
60. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
61. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
62. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
63. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
64. When you've given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
65. Haggle.
66. Order a one-inch pizza.
67. Order term life insurance.
68. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
69. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
70. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
71. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
72. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
73. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
74. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
75. Order a steamed pizza.

305TillIDie
05-26-2006, 04:38 PM
You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car.
Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up with his answer.
He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."
Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box.

305TillIDie
05-26-2006, 04:42 PM
CAN YOU FIGURE THIS RIDDLE OUT??

A man walks up to you and says - "everything I say to you is a lie."
Is he telling you the truth or is he lying?

icephinfan
05-26-2006, 04:43 PM
Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London.One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the windowseat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."
"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."
Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes

icephinfan
05-26-2006, 04:46 PM
George Bush meets with the Queen of England.

He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "Well, your Majesty, that would be me."

"Yes, Very good," says the Queen.

Bush goes back home to ask Dick Cheney, his Vice President, the same question. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says Cheney, "let me get back to you on that one."

Cheney goes to his Advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Cheney shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me?

Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Cheney smiles, and says, "Thanks!"

Then, Cheney goes back to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Cheney and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"