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View Full Version : Memorable Saturday Night Live Quotes



Celtkin
05-05-2006, 09:36 AM
Here are some of my favorites:

Tina Fey (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0275486/): In women's health news, the FDA announced that it has approved NuvaRing, a new highly effective birth control device for women. NuvaRing is 2 inches long and releases a continuous low dose of estrogen... just like Michael Jackson's *****.

Tina Fey (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0275486/): It was announced this week that Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown will perform a show together at the Aladdin casino in Las Vegas. Tickets are $150. $200 if Whitney and Bobby actually show up. The concert will be sponsored by Snapple and cocaine.

Jimmy Fallon (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0266422/): China's state media reported this week that a 37-year-old Chinese man had his damaged esophagus replaced with part of his own colon. Earlier today the man was quoted as saying, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Tina Fey (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0275486/): Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have announced that their new reality show will be called 'Britney and Kevin: Chaotic' because the name 'The Beverly Hillbillies' is already being used.
Sean Connery (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0358669/): [the category is "Japan-US Relations"] I'll take "Jap **** relations" for $200, Trebek.

George H.W. Bush (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001022/): [during the 1992 Presidential debates] Mr. Clinton says he's brought progress to Arkansas. Well, Dan Quayle, Jim Baker and I went on a fishing trip to Arkansas and ran into some of the locals. I won't go into details, but one of them did say that Dan "shore had a purty mouth".

Finesse Mitchell (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1459509/): [Commentary on Weekend update] Thank you, Tina. I am here to discuss a growing problem; the problem of parents giving their children stupid names. This is particularly true of young African American girls. I'm speaking on behalf of all the "LaQuaQuas" and "Shediquas" out there. I know that young white girls, especially celebrities, give their children stupid names like "Apple" and "Frances Bean", but these are rich little white girls! They're not ever going to have to worry about applying for a job at Kinkos and being told that Jerkeishawantisha won't fit on the name tag and so they'll have to put "Jerky" on there! Sometimes, these girls even name their children to get back at the "baby daddy". I dated a girl whose mama named her "Condombroke". I couldn't even say her name in church.

Kevin Nealon (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0005265/): In health news, scientists have announced the invention of a women's condom. The condom works by fitting snugly over a woman's wine glass.

Ferecito (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0035488/): You know, when I first moved to this country, I was in third grade. And all the other kids in my school where white, Americanos. And I noticed, that when I went to the urinal to take a leak, my pene was bigger than all the other kids. So I went home to my grandmother, I say, "Abuelita. Why is my pene bigger than other kids? Because I'm Latino?" She said, "No. Because you're 23."

Sean Connery (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0358669/): I pose a conundrum to you, a riddle if you will.
Alex Trebek (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0002071/): [as Alex Trebeck] I don't want to hear it.
Sean Connery (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0358669/): What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold. One's a sick duck... I can't remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore.


Sean Connery (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0358669/): I'll take "anal bum cover" for 500.
Alex Trebek (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0002071/): That's "an album cover."


Dan Aykroyd (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000101/): In order to perform the experiment, we need one ounce of marijuana. Weekend update correspondent Garrett Morris was sent into one of our urban neighborhoods to provide us with one ounce of marijuana. This bag contains one ounce, Garrett, it feels light. This isn't a full ounce. We gave you money for one ounce, you're going to have to go back and get more.
Garrett Morris (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0606541/): Man, don't make me go back there! Those guys will kill me!
Dan Aykroyd (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000101/): We need one full ounce not .97 ounce of marijuana for the experiment.
[Morris leaves]
Dan Aykroyd (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000101/): In other news
[phone rings]
Dan Aykroyd (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000101/): ...
Dan Aykroyd (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000101/): Hello. Thank you. This just in; Garrett Morris is dead. The Weekend Update correspondent was found dead in an alley, the victim of a senseless killing. Another drug related death, Jane.

There's lots more here:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0072562/quotes

GRAPEAPE
05-05-2006, 09:51 AM
Sean Connery: "I'll take ape titt!es for 1,000"
Alex: "That's appetites Mr. Connery"

Sean Connery: "I'll take The Rapist for 800"
Alex: "Mr. Connery will take therapist"

CharlestonPhan
05-05-2006, 11:40 AM
the Connery bits are always priceless... especially the sick duck line.

Noodle Arm
05-05-2006, 11:47 AM
Dan Aykroyd:There's no if's, and's or but's about it. You're spending the night with...Fred Garvin...Male Prostitute!

d-day
05-05-2006, 11:50 AM
Norm MacDonald: Who are safer drivers? Men or women? Well, according to a new survey, 55% of adults feel that women are most responsible for minor fenderbenders, while 78% blame men for most fatal crashes. Please note that the percentages in these pie graphs do not add up to 100% because the math was done by a woman.
[audience laughs or hisses]

Norm MacDonald: For those of you hissing at that joke, it should be uh noted that that joke was written by a woman. So, now you don't know what the hell to do, do ya? Nah, I'm just kidding. We don't hire women.

d-day
05-05-2006, 11:52 AM
Norm Macdonald (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0005172/): Many people are skeptical about marriage of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Pressley. They say, Lisa Marie is more of a sit at home type, while Michael Jackson is more of a homosexual pedophile.

d-day
05-05-2006, 11:52 AM
Norm Macdonald (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0005172/): A new medical report says that drug use is up in high school students.
[Norm holds up a handful of money]
Norm Macdonald (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0005172/): [slyly] Don't I know it?!

Celtkin
05-05-2006, 12:00 PM
Norm Macdonald (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0005172/): Many people are skeptical about marriage of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Pressley. They say, Lisa Marie is more of a sit at home type, while Michael Jackson is more of a homosexual pedophile.
:sidelol::sidelol:

Cool Calm Mike
05-05-2006, 12:28 PM
Trebek: "This is the sound a doggy makes."

Burt Reynolds: "Who is Scooby Doo?"

Trebek: "No, that is incorrect."

Reynolds: "No, that's correct. I remember he had a pal, Scrappy Doo."

Trebek: "No."

GRAPEAPE
05-05-2006, 12:31 PM
Trebek: "This is the sound a doggy makes."

Burt Reynolds: "Who is Scooby Doo?"

Trebek: "No, that is incorrect."

Reynolds: "No, that's correct. I remember he had a pal, Scrappy Doo."

Trebek: "No."Turd Ferguson:lol: , That's probably my favorite celebrity Jeprody

Philter25
05-05-2006, 12:32 PM
Anything Norm MacDonald is priceless.