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Agent51
06-07-2006, 08:53 AM
Let me start off by saying I now know how Mor felt when he was "banned" (:wink:) from FinHeaven. I have been absent for a few days and it SUCKED. Now on to the explaination.

My grandfather just lost his lifelong battle with cancer. I just found out a few days ago and it was like being hit in the chest with a baseball bat. The man was so tough and stuborn that we just assumed he would die when he was ready, not from the cancer. He was your classic ex-marine grandpa. The cancer was heriditary, and he had been battling it for quite some time. He isn't my "real" grandpa (my dad's dad passed away before I was born) but he is the only grandpa I have ever known (my mom hasn't talked to her father since she was a teen, when he ran out on them). This whole thing is just a shock. I mean, we have all known for like as long as I remember that he has hd this illness, yet you wouldn't know it looking at him. He was only supposed to live for a year, and that was back when I was like 5, he was just THAT tough. He didn't sit around and sulk either, he was always doing things with my brother and me, like tossing a football or building things with us in his shop, and more recently visiting me out here and frigging SURFING with me. When I got that call I was speechless, I still am.

Now I find out yesterday that my grandma (his wife, not my mom's mom) had a pretty bad heart attack and SHE isn't doing very well. I guess the stress from losing him caused it, or so the "experts" say. So in the course of about 3 or 4 days I have lost my grandpa and am on the verge of losing my grandma.

As for the title of this thread, I have made two extremely difficult decisions in light of these events.

First, I am supposed to be on a plane to Japan at 2pm my time. I'm obviously NOT going so I can fly to Rhode Island to attend my grandpa's funeral. This is a very unfortunate decision for me as Japan is the ONE place in the world I have always wanted to go that has always eluded me. I have been all over the world yet have always missed on Japan. One time I passed up the chance to go and another time I had other commitments. This time I was NOT going to pass it up for anything, that is until my grandpa passed. It's killing me that I'm missing the trip, it has always been a dream of mine, the culture and architecture and locale has always intrigued me.

Second, and probably the hardest decision for me, is I am leaving Hawai'i. It's not something I want to do, especially to go back to Rhode Island, but I feel so guilty that I wasn't there when my grandpa passed, I don't want to not be there for my grandma. I know it isn't MY fault he passed, but I guess he had ended up getting so sick he gave in and went to the hospital and was pretty much on his death bed for a few days before finally passing. During that time my family had repeatedly tried to get ahold of me except my cellphone was on the bottom of the ocean and I don't have a house phone because I'm barely ever home and don't need one. I just feel extremely guilty because while I was off partying and having a grand ol' time getting trashed and jumping off a yacht fully clothed (thus losing my cellphone) my grandpa was laying in a hospital losing his fight and trying to contact me one last time and I wasn't there for him. I didn't end up getting a new phone til Saturday, and when I called home to wish my little bro a happy birthday (he turned 17 on June 2nd) that's when I found out.

I feel like I let my grandpa down after all he did for me and all the times he was there for me, and for nothing. I was doing nothing important, just partying like I do all the friggin time, and I feel like my carefree lifestyle out here has finally come back to bite me in the ***, so I need to leave. I am going back to Rhode Island and I am staying there indefinately. It is by far the hardest decision I have ever made, I love it here, I love everything about it, and I am so happy here, but I can't let my grandma down like I did my grandpa. I don't wanna be at some party or on some beach or something when my grandma passes, I want to be right there with her, like I SHOULD have been with my grandpa. I don't know how long I will be back there for, all I know is I am not leaving again until my grandma passes, it could be a month, it could be years, but as long as it takes I am going to be there for her.

Well, that is it in a nutshell. Thanks for listening to my rant or whatever this post is. I don't even know if it makes sense, it's 3am here and I haven't slept in two days.

Straztheman
06-07-2006, 08:59 AM
You are in my prayers.

Agent51
06-07-2006, 12:13 PM
You are in my prayers.

Thank you

Buddwalk
06-07-2006, 12:24 PM
jeesh bro cant believe the family has missed this post...your definitely in my prayers

sorry for your loss bro

Motion
06-07-2006, 12:25 PM
Sorry to hear of your loss Agent, your definitely one of my favorite posters here. I wish you and your family the best. Good Luck and God Bless.

Rocky Raccoon
06-07-2006, 12:29 PM
I'm sorry to hear this bro...I will say a few prayers and I hope everything works out for you and your family...if you need someone to talk to, you can ALWAYS shoot me a PM.

Agent51
06-07-2006, 12:30 PM
Thanks for the support Budd and Motion, I appreciate it

*EDIT* and Rocky (you posted while I was)

Nappy Roots
06-07-2006, 12:30 PM
Let me start off by saying I now know how Mor felt when he was "banned" (:wink:) from FinHeaven. I have been absent for a few days and it SUCKED. Now on to the explaination.

My grandfather just lost his lifelong battle with cancer. I just found out a few days ago and it was like being hit in the chest with a baseball bat. The man was so tough and stuborn that we just assumed he would die when he was ready, not from the cancer. He was your classic ex-marine grandpa. The cancer was heriditary, and he had been battling it for quite some time. He isn't my "real" grandpa (my dad's dad passed away before I was born) but he is the only grandpa I have ever known (my mom hasn't talked to her father since she was a teen, when he ran out on them). This whole thing is just a shock. I mean, we have all known for like as long as I remember that he has hd this illness, yet you wouldn't know it looking at him. He was only supposed to live for a year, and that was back when I was like 5, he was just THAT tough. He didn't sit around and sulk either, he was always doing things with my brother and me, like tossing a football or building things with us in his shop, and more recently visiting me out here and frigging SURFING with me. When I got that call I was speechless, I still am.

Now I find out yesterday that my grandma (his wife, not my mom's mom) had a pretty bad heart attack and SHE isn't doing very well. I guess the stress from losing him caused it, or so the "experts" say. So in the course of about 3 or 4 days I have lost my grandpa and am on the verge of losing my grandma.

As for the title of this thread, I have made two extremely difficult decisions in light of these events.

First, I am supposed to be on a plane to Japan at 2pm my time. I'm obviously NOT going so I can fly to Rhode Island to attend my grandpa's funeral. This is a very unfortunate decision for me as Japan is the ONE place in the world I have always wanted to go that has always eluded me. I have been all over the world yet have always missed on Japan. One time I passed up the chance to go and another time I had other commitments. This time I was NOT going to pass it up for anything, that is until my grandpa passed. It's killing me that I'm missing the trip, it has always been a dream of mine, the culture and architecture and locale has always intrigued me.

Second, and probably the hardest decision for me, is I am leaving Hawai'i. It's not something I want to do, especially to go back to Rhode Island, but I feel so guilty that I wasn't there when my grandpa passed, I don't want to not be there for my grandma. I know it isn't MY fault he passed, but I guess he had ended up getting so sick he gave in and went to the hospital and was pretty much on his death bed for a few days before finally passing. During that time my family had repeatedly tried to get ahold of me except my cellphone was on the bottom of the ocean and I don't have a house phone because I'm barely ever home and don't need one. I just feel extremely guilty because while I was off partying and having a grand ol' time getting trashed and jumping off a yacht fully clothed (thus losing my cellphone) my grandpa was laying in a hospital losing his fight and trying to contact me one last time and I wasn't there for him. I didn't end up getting a new phone til Saturday, and when I called home to wish my little bro a happy birthday (he turned 17 on June 2nd) that's when I found out.

I feel like I let my grandpa down after all he did for me and all the times he was there for me, and for nothing. I was doing nothing important, just partying like I do all the friggin time, and I feel like my carefree lifestyle out here has finally come back to bite me in the ***, so I need to leave. I am going back to Rhode Island and I am staying there indefinately. It is by far the hardest decision I have ever made, I love it here, I love everything about it, and I am so happy here, but I can't let my grandma down like I did my grandpa. I don't wanna be at some party or on some beach or something when my grandma passes, I want to be right there with her, like I SHOULD have been with my grandpa. I don't know how long I will be back there for, all I know is I am not leaving again until my grandma passes, it could be a month, it could be years, but as long as it takes I am going to be there for her.

Well, that is it in a nutshell. Thanks for listening to my rant or whatever this post is. I don't even know if it makes sense, it's 3am here and I haven't slept in two days.


Bro, sorry to hear about your grampa, and now your grandma, its got to be tough. Its good to hear about your grampa living so long after givin only a year though. My grampa was givin the same diagnosis about 3 years ago. He is the same way as you described your grampa, a stubborn, hardworker. I dont know how it is to be away while losing someone close though, as im still only 20(dispite my age thing under my name, cant change it for some reason), and yet to have left where ive grown up my whole life. But i do want to say this, im willing to bet that your grampa doesnt feel like you let him down one bit. Im sure he would love to have seen you before his passing, but i bet he passed with a smile on his face just knowing how happy you are at this point in your life. You seem unbelieveably happy in Hawaii just from your posts here, so im sure your family knows this. If I was you i wouldnt leave that happyness. Although, leaving until your grandma is better is probably the best thing you could do. Good luck with everything Agent. http://www.finheaven.com/clear.gif

I know we dont really know eachother, but i hope in my heart that everything works out for you bro.

Pagan
06-07-2006, 12:38 PM
Sorry for your loss Agent, and for having to leave Florida. :(

Buddwalk
06-07-2006, 12:43 PM
Bro when you come down to ri next time, stop down by my house i'll make ya feel right at home...we'll just play guitar and get drunk and hang out and all :wink: :wink: :wink:

Agent51
06-07-2006, 12:58 PM
Bro, sorry to hear about your grampa, and now your grandma, its got to be tough. Its good to hear about your grampa living so long after givin only a year though. My grampa was givin the same diagnosis about 3 years ago. He is the same way as you described your grampa, a stubborn, hardworker. I dont know how it is to be away while losing someone close though, as im still only 20(dispite my age thing under my name, cant change it for some reason), and yet to have left where ive grown up my whole life. But i do want to say this, im willing to bet that your grampa doesnt feel like you let him down one bit. Im sure he would love to have seen you before his passing, but i bet he passed with a smile on his face just knowing how happy you are at this point in your life. You seem unbelieveably happy in Hawaii just from your posts here, so im sure your family knows this. If I was you i wouldnt leave that happyness. Although, leaving until your grandma is better is probably the best thing you could do. Good luck with everything Agent.

I know we dont really know eachother, but i hope in my heart that everything works out for you bro.

Thanks Nappy. I tried to take the same outlook, or am trying to, in which it's great that he lived this long, especially after he was told he didn't have more than a year, but it's just so sudden that it's a shock. I just talked to him about 2 weeks ago and he was talking about how he wanted to surprise my grandma with a trip out here for their anniversary, and he'd need my help to set up the surprise and stuff. Like I told Rocky in a PM, I have lost close friends before, some of them have gone tragically (car accident, surfing accident) and I thought I felt sadness then, but this feeling is so much heavier. I know deep down that my grandpa didn't think I let him down, and I keep trying to tell myself that, but then I go back to the fact that they were trying to get ahold of me and I couldn't be reached, and for a STUPID reason.

Trust me, I AM unbelieveably happy out here. Sometimes I get bored of it, sometimes I'm jaded with it, but in the end, I don't want to be anywhere else. Not only have I been in love with Hawai'i since I first visited here, but I also have a great job that I love, and that is basically setting up for my life goal of owning a nightclub. However, I just don't want to miss out on time with my grandma, nor do I want to have to get another phone call like that (technically I called them, but you know what I mean). Hawai'i will ALWAYS be here, family won't, and that reality just hit me pretty hard a few days ago.

Again, I appreciate it man. We DON'T know each other, but in a way we do. That is why I posted what is happening here. I have never met ANYONE from these boards, yet I feel like good friends with a lot of people here, so I felt comfortable sharing with everyone.

Agent51
06-07-2006, 01:01 PM
Sorry for your loss Agent, and for having to leave Florida. :(

I'm in Hawai'i Pagan :wink:

But thank you

In_Flames
06-07-2006, 01:03 PM
sorry to hear about your grandparents Agent, just lost my grandfather to cancer as well...im sure whatever decision you make will be the right one, you seem to have a very good head on your shoulders..my prayers go out to you and your family.

Agent51
06-07-2006, 01:03 PM
Bro when you come down to ri next time, stop down by my house i'll make ya feel right at home...we'll just play guitar and get drunk and hang out and all :wink: :wink: :wink:

Budd, isn't Rhode Island UP from PA, not down? Haha, but yeah, once I'm back there for awhile I will get that travel itch, and depending on how my grandma is doing I will prolly take a surf trip down the coast (that way should something happen RI is just a skip away) and I will DEFINATELY stop by in we can have a jam session. Maybe we can record a FinHeaven theme song. We can do the guitar parts and then send it to Pagan who can fill in Bass :up:

Agent51
06-07-2006, 01:05 PM
sorry to hear about your grandparents Agent, just lost my grandfather to cancer as well...im sure whatever decision you make will be the right one, you seem to have a very good head on your shoulders..my prayers go out to you and your family.

Thank you man. It's been rough, as you unfortunately know, but I'm just trying to get by and do what I think is right.

Buddwalk
06-07-2006, 01:09 PM
Budd, isn't Rhode Island UP from PA, not down? Haha, but yeah, once I'm back there for awhile I will get that travel itch, and depending on how my grandma is doing I will prolly take a surf trip down the coast (that way should something happen RI is just a skip away) and I will DEFINATELY stop by in we can have a jam session. Maybe we can record a FinHeaven theme song. We can do the guitar parts and then send it to Pagan who can fill in Bass :up:


sounds like a plan :buddwalk:

TotoreMexico
06-07-2006, 01:12 PM
Sorry to hear this Agent, my best wishes to you and your family

NJFINSFAN1
06-07-2006, 01:19 PM
I don't know your grandpa, but it sounds like you were close. But look from it from his point of view. You said he was a tough as nails person. My father-in-law was the same (also ex-marine who died of cancer), and the last thing he wanted was the family lying around by his death bed crying and taking care of him. If anything, maybe your grandpa really liked the fact that you were out on your own and enjoying life.

While it hurts not to have known or been there, would he really want you to pack up and move away from someplace you love??

I'm guessing no.

Go home, be with the family and talk with them, I'll bet they will say the same.

My prayers are with your grandma and family also!

Agent51
06-07-2006, 01:57 PM
I don't know your grandpa, but it sounds like you were close. But look from it from his point of view. You said he was a tough as nails person. My father-in-law was the same (also ex-marine who died of cancer), and the last thing he wanted was the family lying around by his death bed crying and taking care of him. If anything, maybe your grandpa really liked the fact that you were out on your own and enjoying life.

While it hurts not to have known or been there, would he really want you to pack up and move away from someplace you love??

I'm guessing no.

Go home, be with the family and talk with them, I'll bet they will say the same.

My prayers are with your grandma and family also!

This seems to be the general consensus from most of the people I have talked to in the past few days. I definately don't want to move from Hawai'i back to Rhode Island, but I also don't want to NOT be there when my grandma passes. Hawai'i will always be here, and I WILL be coming back, I'm not moving back to RI for the rest of my life. I think a LOT of people know I will be miserable there though, and I'm sure EVERYONE at home, grandma included, will tell me to come back. IDK though, I guess I should wait to make that decision until things settle down and I see how my grandma is doing. I guess it doesn't make much sense to go back and stay if she recovers fully and gets the "all clear", but at the same time if she still isn't doing well then I am definately staying.

Again, thanks to everyone for your support and advice, I appreciate it. I think I am going to try and grab some sleep now, I'm exhausted and I've got a LONG flight to RI tomorrow (17hrs counting lay-overs).

mor911
06-07-2006, 02:14 PM
That's tough Agent bro. That's whole lot to digest. I hope for the best for you man. You're one of The Mor's #1 FH friends.... If you don't mind, I'd like to share a little story with you.

Back in 1999 (long time ago, I know) The Mor was new to the US Navy. I was in training in Pensacola, I was 18 and all I wanted to do was party like a wild sailor. At the end of January (some of you might know this story) The Mor's younger brother was shot in the head and killed. He went missing on a Monday. I was out having fun. My mom made several calls to my barracks looking for me, and I ignored her calls because I didn't feel like talking to her... I was having too much fun. My brother's body was found in a canal Tuesday morning. I still had no idea. Tuesday afternoon I finally tiik the call from my mom and I felt worse than I ever felt in my life.

I'd been avoiding my moms calls for no good damn reason, and she wanted to tell me my little brother was freaking missing. I got on the first plane back home and went to my brother's funeral. Horrible time of my life. I started to hate my self and what I was doing. I felt like if I were home (instead of joining the service) I might have been there for my brother. I felt like I might have been able to help him fight off the jackasses that shot him. I hated the Navy for this.

I tried to get discharged. I tried REALLY hard to get discharged. It never happened. My mom sat me down one day and told me that my brother wouldn't want me to do something stupid in my life because of something I regret. He would want me to do my time in the service, and do it well. My brother would have wanted the best for me.

So Mor stopped his pathetic attempts at getting discharged. At 3 years in the service, The Mor was an E5 in the US Navy. Not to shabby. I got out of the military and I love the work I do.

I still feel like I should/could have been there for my bro, but it's true that he would have wanted the best for me.

So the point of my drawn out, sad story is.... If living in Hawaii makes you hgappy, would your grandpa want you to do that? Not saying that what you're doing for your grandma is wrong (because it's great). But don't feel guilty about doing something for you.

:mor911:

PassRush
06-07-2006, 02:26 PM
god damn man, that is a shame. You have to do what you have to do but I am sure moving from Hawai'i to Rhode Island is not an easy thing to do. Hell, nothing about your post seems easy. I am with you man, as much as a message board personality can be.

d-day
06-07-2006, 02:56 PM
i'm so sorry to hear that hi-hat - and i know how much you looked forward to that japan trip but like you said, hawaii and japan isn't going anywhere, so i respect and applaud your decision to go back home for a while - listen, i've got something big brewing that might ease your pain a little - a nice 10 day hedonistic adventure in late september - it's not japan, but i think it'll be a lot more fun - shoot me a pm when you get the chance... :wink:

TJamesW_phinfan
06-07-2006, 03:02 PM
My prayers and thoughts to you and your family Agent. What so many here are telling you is true. Your grandpa would be happy that you were happy and that you were doing well on your own.

Have safe travels to be with your grandma and my prayers and best wishes for her.

@@@
06-07-2006, 03:07 PM
Sorry about your loss, i'm another with a military man Grandfather who died of cancer after not being given too long to live. I can only echo NJFINSFAN1's comments, i know my grandfather wasn't thrilled about family being around his bedside and would have prefered us to remember him as he was rather than lying in a hospital, i bet your grandfather didn't feel let down at all and was glad you had such happiness. As others have said, go home talk it over with the family, spend some time with your grandma and see where you are after that

best of luck

dQbell
06-07-2006, 03:25 PM
Agent, I'm so sorry to hear these things are happening. I wish you the best.

If I may, just a little advice. Yes, you may regret doing something as silly as partying when all this was happening, but you didn't know what was going on. It wasn't deliberate. Don't beat yourself up over this. Sure, maybe you can learn and say, "I should probably be more responsible in the future, maybe party a little less", but don't condemn yourself for what happened. We've all done things we regret.

As much as I happen to love RI (because I was born and raised there), I'd advise you to try and maybe take some time off, but not move back there. Maybe you can go visit and talk to your grandma. Sometimes we make impulsive decisions based on tragic circumstances, then later learn it wasn't neccessary. If you can say it is neccessary, then by all means do it. But right now, maybe you should take a breathe and think about it more.

Again, sorry for what happened. I lost my grand father in 81 and I still miss him.

Nappy Roots
06-07-2006, 03:48 PM
That's tough Agent bro. That's whole lot to digest. I hope for the best for you man. You're one of The Mor's #1 FH friends.... If you don't mind, I'd like to share a little story with you.

Back in 1999 (long time ago, I know) The Mor was new to the US Navy. I was in training in Pensacola, I was 18 and all I wanted to do was party like a wild sailor. At the end of January (some of you might know this story) The Mor's younger brother was shot in the head and killed. He went missing on a Monday. I was out having fun. My mom made several calls to my barracks looking for me, and I ignored her calls because I didn't feel like talking to her... I was having too much fun. My brother's body was found in a canal Tuesday morning. I still had no idea. Tuesday afternoon I finally tiik the call from my mom and I felt worse than I ever felt in my life.

I'd been avoiding my moms calls for no good damn reason, and she wanted to tell me my little brother was freaking missing. I got on the first plane back home and went to my brother's funeral. Horrible time of my life. I started to hate my self and what I was doing. I felt like if I were home (instead of joining the service) I might have been there for my brother. I felt like I might have been able to help him fight off the jackasses that shot him. I hated the Navy for this.

I tried to get discharged. I tried REALLY hard to get discharged. It never happened. My mom sat me down one day and told me that my brother wouldn't want me to do something stupid in my life because of something I regret. He would want me to do my time in the service, and do it well. My brother would have wanted the best for me.

So Mor stopped his pathetic attempts at getting discharged. At 3 years in the service, The Mor was an E5 in the US Navy. Not to shabby. I got out of the military and I love the work I do.

I still feel like I should/could have been there for my bro, but it's true that he would have wanted the best for me.

So the point of my drawn out, sad story is.... If living in Hawaii makes you hgappy, would your grandpa want you to do that? Not saying that what you're doing for your grandma is wrong (because it's great). But don't feel guilty about doing something for you.

:mor911:



dude thats one of the worst things ive ever heard. i cant even imagine losin my brother. good for you to be able to continue and finish the navy

UltraDol-Fan
06-07-2006, 05:21 PM
Agent, your family will definitly be in my thoughts and prayers and hopefully your grandma will be good as new

Shula Come Back!
06-07-2006, 05:26 PM
Really sorry to hear that. Cancer has got to be the worst thing in the world. If you ask every person you know, it has affected someone close to them...Again, I'm really sorry to hear that. I send you and your family my best.

Roman529
06-07-2006, 07:06 PM
Sorry to hear about your loss.....you have the rest of your life to see Japan, however, and it sounds like you have had the chance to really enjoy life and see a lot of the world. I lived for three years in Hawaii, and I really enjoyed it, but you can be happy anywhere. Family is sometimes all you have in life so I would go back to Rhode Island for a little while, and then if you feel like going back to Hawaii, you should. I think your grandpa was a great man, my dad was also a marine and they are tough men who rarely show any emotion...SEMPER FI and god bless him and your grandma. Take some time to think about what you want to do and where you want to live after going back to RI....just never feel guilty for living life and enjoying it.....not having your cell phone with you would not have changed anything. I keep my cell phone in my glove compartment and check it maybe once a day...other than that I chose not to be tied to a phone...but I still try to always check in with family, friends and love ones. Best wishes, and hope your grandma will be ok.

Timmy54
06-07-2006, 10:30 PM
wow, your gramp sounds a ton like mine. I lost my grandfather to cancer (small cell lung cancer) almost 3 years ago and i am still not really over it. He was a very big part of my growing up into who i am and i hope he is looking down (cause he will kick the devils but if he were downstairs) and smiling. He was an ex-marine and as strong as an ox. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

lazareth
06-08-2006, 03:06 AM
agent sorry to hear about your loss and everything else you're going through