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Walking25
06-12-2006, 10:24 PM
Sit around the campfire, all of you beloved Guns and Roses fans. Wait patiently with bated breath for the upcoming release of “Chinese Democracy”. I mean it’s only been a decade since the last time Axl released anything other than his answering machine message tapes. And no, greatest hits packages don’t count as a ****ing release.

I find it so bloody humourous that millions of jack holes globally, are sitting around eagerly anticipating this release. Isn’t it such an oxymoron? I mean, you can’t get the “democracy” until that modern day musical Napoleon gets off his artistic horse, and ceases with his own personal dictatorship.

First off, undoubtedly Black Francis of the Pixies is the better of the two. Even if he’s not on the list I’ll consider an oversight. I’m also willing to make concessions for RazZ’s unhealthy love, if not lust, for Axl Rose. That aside, let’s get down to the business at hand.

Before you open up that piehole of yours RazZ, and say something downright ridiculous, I want to assure you I’ve done my research in the matter. Now, I’m not assuming that I have half as much knowledge as the self professed “Yoda” of the Illiteracy Press “School of Guns N’ Roses”, but I know far more about Axl than I’ll ever admit to anyone of value.

I’m probably the vainest mother****er any of you will ever know. That being said, Scott Weiland wins. Ask one question and I’ll spray you with hair gel, and it will not be pretty. First off, when he chooses to remove his apparel, at least he covers himself with a patriotic device such as a flag.

Secondly, when he’s not in drug rehabilitation, and wearing clothing, he’s got the greatest fashion sense the rock world has ever seen. What’s Axl got? That’s right. He’s got a half a dozen pair of ripped jeans, six shirts that are far to small for him, and a bad case of just being downright ugly. Throw in the spaghetti stains on the wife beaters he owns, and he’s golden. On a related rock star note, no doubt he’s gotten hundreds upon hundreds of “sympathy” lays strictly because he was in a relatively popular rock outfit, but it still doesn’t change the fact the ****er could bite walls if he tried.

At this point, I’d like to make note of our loyal fan Jonah’s piece of literary genius. Especially the part when he suggests that Scott is a horrid songwriter. I have but one item to say concerning that, and it is, that at least Scott can spell “songwriter”. Before Axl learned the one finger tap on the keyboard, I’m betting the track listing would have looked rather atrocious. Welcome to the Jungle would have mighty lovely as a pre-ejaculatory greeting similar to “Welcum” to the Jungle. Yeah, get me the **** out of dodge right quick.

Please shoot me before he releases that long awaited piece of crap. Quick Dustin, pick up your spoons, and I’ll play the washboard. We’ll release an eight track in weeks, and I’m betting dollars to ****ing donuts it’s better than anything he’ll drop.

I’m shocked the ****er could even come up with an album title that sounded half as witty as “Chinese Democracy”. Didn’t Dexter from the Offspring want to you use that title on an album that was released two years ago? Every poet is a thief Axl, you’re just lucky Dexter gave in and realized that fighting with an asshat like you is useless.

I bet the entire cast of the Saturday morning cartoon lineup had to explicitly explain the difference between a democracy and a communist state. Then after much deliberation with his inner circle, you thought it would cool to pretend to have half a brain. Good luck with that, I’m going to spend my fifty dollars and go see the Mini Pops when they go on tour.

Speaking of having the intelligence of a nine year old, let’s take a moment and draw some striking comparisons. The bitter defeat of Kerry is still fresh in the minds of anyone in the United States that has an I.Q. above 115.

Bush consistently gets the support of the backwoods trailer park tenants that make up the American public. Gun toting radicals that still believe that the natives are going to come out of the forest behind their house and take their wives away into the abyss is a solid demographic of voters that put an “X” in Bush’s box. I shall compare Axl to president Bush in this instance. Regardless of whether or not he’s a rock icon or not, it is worth mentioning that changing your clothes and showering on occasion is imperative.

I’m sure at this point; others on the site such as Giia may disagree with the above statement. Come up with some brilliant validation as to why you voted for Bush, and I’ll put about thirty seconds into my response saying explaining why I don’t give a ****ing rats ***. Any complaints can be forwarded to my executive, find her in the forum under the name “Bekki”. Gasp.

John Kerry I could compare to Scott. That’s right, he’s got an intelligent persona about him, as opposed to that Kraft Dinner eating, hygienically unsound image of Axl. Instead of unwillingly handing over money to watch Axl bounce around the stage like a buffoon, when STP was in town, I felt like I was liberating myself by immersing myself in the arts. Try that one out Axl, but I doubt you could spell art.

Scott on the ticket in 2008?

Regardless of the drug addiction that Scott faces each day of his life, at least STP had integrity. ****, not only did they have integrity, but also it actually looked like they got their hair cut at least once a year. Which is more than I can say for that rousing band of ruffians in Guns and Roses. If Axl donated those shaggy follicles and hair to some overseas organization, they could make rugs for about two hundred villagers. I swear, I’ve done the math.

Speaking of math, what do you get when you reunite four of the finest musicians the globe has ever seen? I’ll give you a ****ing hint. It’s not Velvet Revolver, Guns and Roses, Stone Temple Pilots, or even L.A. Guns. For just a moment, and this is going to be mighty difficult, picture the quintessential band in the 1980’s that didn’t suck a boat load of ***. Some guy by the name of Edwin caught them in Ohio last week, you should check out his review at Matchstickcats.com. It was only the largest tour of the summer. If it doesn’t prove that Black Francis could sing either of those two hacks under the table, then I don’t know what will.





http://www.illitpress.com/

Roman529
06-12-2006, 11:08 PM
Tommy Hillfigger made Axl his *****....enough said. :D

N-A
06-13-2006, 12:52 AM
Ironically, I ate Kraft Dinner tonight.

Talk about a rambling stream-of-conciousness mess. Whoever wrote that needs to check into the same rehab joint Scott Weiland is a permanent member of.

Roman529
06-13-2006, 01:22 AM
Ironically, I ate Kraft Dinner tonight.

Talk about a rambling stream-of-conciousness mess. Whoever wrote that needs to check into the same rehab joint Scott Weiland is a permanent member of.

:lol:

Slappy8800
06-13-2006, 06:35 PM
thats too long