PDA

View Full Version : www.scrappleface.com



P4E
04-30-2003, 08:19 AM
www.scrappleface.com


Read thru the news stories. Eventually, you'll burst out laughing.

P4E
05-02-2003, 01:15 AM
Damn... I just went thru their material of the past week or so, and it sucks. Seriously, -- it's like whoever used to write the stuff there died and someone else is doing it now. Sorry.

Nevermind.

P4E
05-02-2003, 01:45 AM
With War Ending, France Loathing Index Reduced
(2003-04-19) -- With hostilities in Iraq winding down, the U.S. State Department has officially lowered the France Loathing Index (FLI) to Disdain from Abhorrence. The FLI serves as a convenient reminder to U.S. citizens on the current state of Franco-American relations.

Secretary of State Colin Powell said the lower FLI level means, for example, that it's okay to order French toast in a restaurant, but still advisable to point to the item on the menu rather than request it aloud.

"The lower FLI is based on a dropoff of so-called 'chatter' about France," said Mr. Powell. "If this continues, Americans can look forward to another reduction to the 2001 level of Shun. Of course, every American gets nostalgic for the times when we didn't give France a thought. It was just one of dozens of countries where they don't talk right, and they eat disgusting things."

April 13, 2003
Gen. Tommy Franks Can't Wait to Retire
(2003-04-13) -- U.S. Gen. Tommy Franks said today that he can't wait to retire so he'll have a better understanding of what's going on with U.S. military operations.

"Retired generals have better operational information than I do," said Gen. Franks. "When I give a news conference now, everything I say is doubted by the reporters. But when I'm retired, the big news media will hire me to talk about what's really going on in the theater of operations. I'm just not in the loop right now."

Gen. Franks said he often calls retired generals to gather intelligence about the movements of U.S. forces, and predictions about what will happen next.

March 31, 2003
Arnett, Rivera First in Wave of Suicide Broadcasters
(2003-03-31) -- Iraq's vice president, Taha Yassin Ramadan, said 'suicide broadcasters' Peter Arnett and Geraldo Rivera are part of a "coordinated effort to thwart invaders who can't be defeated by conventional warfare." He also raised the specter of more suicide broadcasters on U.S. or British soil.

Meanwhile, Saddam Hussein's regime presented Mr. Arnett and Mr. Rivera 'postfamous' medals and large financial contributions.

Calling the tactic a "routine military policy," Mr. Ramadan threatened more such attacks on Americans and Britons -- even on their own soil.

White House spokesman Ari Fleischer dismissed the Iraqi threats saying that American news networks "have been slowly self-destructing for years. It will not distract us from our mission in Iraq."

dolfan06
05-02-2003, 09:51 AM
Originally posted by Phan4Ever
With War Ending, France Loathing Index Reduced
(2003-04-19) -- With hostilities in Iraq winding down, the U.S. State Department has officially lowered the France Loathing Index (FLI) to Disdain from Abhorrence. The FLI serves as a convenient reminder to U.S. citizens on the current state of Franco-American relations.

Secretary of State Colin Powell said the lower FLI level means, for example, that it's okay to order French toast in a restaurant, but still advisable to point to the item on the menu rather than request it aloud.

"The lower FLI is based on a dropoff of so-called 'chatter' about France," said Mr. Powell. "If this continues, Americans can look forward to another reduction to the 2001 level of Shun. Of course, every American gets nostalgic for the times when we didn't give France a thought. It was just one of dozens of countries where they don't talk right, and they eat disgusting things."


the FLI, now thats funny!:lol:

P4E
05-22-2003, 04:36 AM
Bush Should Get Bin Laden Like Clinton Did

(2003-05-18) -- Democract candidates for president attacked U.S. President George Bush this week on his failure to capture Usama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein. They said if a Democrat had been in office, both terrorists would have already been tried, convicted and executed.

"We need another President like Bill Clinton, who wouldn't sleep until these wicked men were brought to justice and the American people were safe," said one unnamed Democrat presidential candidate. All of the contenders say they would bring back the Clinton-era "no mercy for terrorists" policy which prevented the deaths of thousands.

"We all remember the trial and conviction of bin Laden during the Clinton administration," said the candidate. "We remember the relief we felt when he was executed and his terror team dismantled. Well, now he's out there somewhere again, and Bush isn't doing anything about it. It's time for a change."

Other candidates cited with pride how Mr. Clinton's policies "brought down that bloody tyrant Saddam Hussein and installed a representative government in Iraq."



May 17, 2003
Republicans Ask: 'Who Will Face Kerry in '04?'

(2003-05-17) -- The Republican National Committee (RNC) continues the desperate search for a presidential candidate to face the imposing Sen. John Kerry, or any of the other equally-intimidating Democrat contenders.

So far the RNC has turned up only a former baseball team owner from Texas who's a bit clumsy with words.

"Even if Kerry doesn't get the nomination, what if we have to go up against Lieberman, Sharpton or Kucinich?" one RNC insider asked rhetorically. "Who do we have that can match their caliber, their gravitas, their savoir-faire, their... je ne sais quoi?"

From a party in disarray, the cry goes out for leadership, integrity and focus.



U.S. Administrator Appoints Angry Mob to Rule Iraq

(2003-05-17) -- Paul "Jerry" Bremer, the civilian administrator for Iraq, today appointed an angry mob to rule over the nation until a representative government can be elected.

The mob consists of former Ba'ath party members and gullible Muslims, and will be led by a "cabal of politically-ambitious Shi'ite clerics."

"We want the leadership of the nation to have an Iraqi face," said Mr. Bremer. "In this case that face will be twisted in rage and shouting anti-Western hate slogans."

The Coalition will provide support and encouragement so that eventually the angry mob participants will shave, put on business suits, and sit still during long boring speeches and meetings about omnibus spending bills.

"That's what representative government is all about," said Mr. Bremer. "But you can't get there in one leap. This is a baby step."