View Full Version : How We Are Foolish

10-13-2006, 01:58 PM
I am endlessly amused by the overreactive, silly and otherwise ddumb threads that get started here after every Dolphins victory or defeat (and that includes my own threads). SO in honor of all us users here I am going to pre-emptively post the top ten threads that we will see on Monday if the DOlphins WIN and the top ten threads we will see if the Dolphins LOSE.

Here we go.

Top Ten Threads That Will Appear Monday If The Dolphins Lose

1) FIRE SABaN!!!#!!!!! (also known as "Bring Back WANNY!")
- he's the worst coach ever, it was a mistake hiring him, he only knows college ball

2) Ronnie Brown is a BUST!! (or "CUT ROnnie Brown!!!!)
- You may already notice the popularity of the exclamation mark "!" following a loss.
- Ronnie can't run the ball at all, Ronnie is not worth a #2 pick, we miss Ricky, Ronnie should be able to block, open holes for himself, and rush for 150 yards.

3) A Trade we MUST MAKE!!!!!
- The Dolphins are doomed unless they trade ______ (insert name of third string Dolphins player, like Jim Maxwell and Jason Rader) for ___________ (insert pro-bowler here, such as Walter Jones, Peyton Manning, Shaun Alexander, etc). This will be a good trade because I say so.

4) How DARE they look HAPPY when they lose!?!?!?!
- This thread almost inevitably stems from one fan seeing some old footage on FinsTV of one of the Dolphins cracking a momentary smile as they do a kids charity event or something. Of course, becausse the fan watched this episode after the Fins lost on Sunday, it is INCONCEIVABLE to them how the players could be LAUGHING about losing. Terrible attitude! Don't they care !?!?!?

5) Here Is What We Must Fix
- This is a fun thread. It is the one that magically transforms each and every one of us into Vince Lombardi's re-incarnation. The NFL's largest staff of football professionals can't do the right thing, but WE know exactly how to solve their problem. Strategies include the obvious ("We must have the offense score more." Thanks, Sherlock Holmes.), the denigrating ("If Mularkey weren't too stupid to call the &*@### run we could establish some ball movement."), the virtical solution ("Just keep throwing it up deep and we HAVE to score eventually."), the master technician ("THe problem is that our two tight-end sets aren't properly attacking the Jet's 3-4. We should be using an H-back to block in the 2 and 3 holes instead of having O-linemen block down at the edges."), and the clueless ("Why doesn't Zach Thomas play on Offense!!!! He's our best PLAYUR and could help Chambers get open!". This is a special person, with special needs.)

6) Why?!!!!??
- This thread is generally the exclamatory fist-shaking at the heavens made so popular by Dylan Thomas' "Do Not Go Gently". It proffers more exasperation and belligerent echoing calls to the heavens for the reason why all this is happening rather than providing actual answers, sadly. Generally, this thread is not a mood picker-upper on Sunday night before bedtime. A favourite among philosophy majors.

7) Why not?
THe cousin of "Why?!?!?!?!", "Why Not?" couldn't be a more different bird. It's plumage is coloured by optimism. The glass is always TOTALLY full for the "Why Not?" thread starter. To wit: "Maybe they should bring Mularkey down to the sideline and this offense will start scoring over twenty points like last year. Why not?", "Maybe with Joey at quarterback, the O-line will run-block better because they're less tired from blocking for Daunte. Why not?", "Maybe we could try more gadget plays. They sometimes work. Why not?" We all wish we could live in Why Not?'s world....... Why? Well, why not?

8) Harrington is NOT the answer!!!
- A great example of how this week's saviour is next week's refuse. This is usually a thread started by the same guy who ran his tin cup back and forth across the railings yelling for Joey to get the start because he WAS the answer. Once Joey loses, of course, we can all see the obvious truth: whomever is NEXT down on the depth chart is the ANSWER.

9) Check This Out
Though often a blank ruse created solely for attention, this usually leads to a YouTube link showing some of the team's highlights from glory days and better years. Marino's surprise touchdown against the Jets is a faourite salve with which to soothe our wounds. The threads take us out of the awareness of our present misery, much as someone taking a beating needs to dissociate and go elsewhere in fantasyland when the pain grows too great. This is a well intentioned thread that actually keeps us from jumping out of tall buildings' windows.

10) C'mon guysssss!
There is always one. One shining, very special boy among the masses who was born to be a pep-rally cheerleader, mainly owing to being clueless about the carnage of reality around him. But make no mistake! At our darkest hour, we NEED this boy. He is the one who, carrying the flag of the revolution, blithely mounts the hill of fallen Phins fan bodies to rush the enemy. "C'mon guys, the Dolphins NEED us! The Phins are great!!! They'll WIN soon. They're trying HARD. Nick is the BEST. Chambers will catch over 100 yards next week! Ronnie is ready to run ALL over the next team for 150 yards!!! Harringpepper will be FINE. Just believe in them!!!!! C'mon guys! We're Phins fans!!!" Thank you Special Ed. You're right, but just not *this* week.

*** Dishonourable mention goes to the inevitable "Hahahah, I told you" thread started by JetsFanNY", "BuffDude" or "PatsRULELZ"

Top Ten Threads That Will Appear Monday If The Dolphins WIN

1) Superbowl Not out of Reach!!!!!!
- Okay, Ricky's sharing his stash. I love enthusiasm, but this is sheer overreaction.

2) Nick is a Genius
This usually catalogues all the ways in which Nick's superior intellect accounted for the Dolphins masterful win over the other team. Includes actual football choices, but popularly includes other tidbits that powered the Dolphins to victory such as Nick craftily having his players land a half hour earlier and stay and a closer hotel (which in truth is probably because there was a problem with their original booking), Nick smiling at them in just the right way before the game, Nick changing their soda pop from Coke to Pepsi (more sponsorship money), and Nick wearing better underwear than the opposing coach.

3) Ronnie IS going to the PRO-BOWL!
- Generally after a 108 yard game with one touchdown but following a five game streak of 50-yard games with no touchdowns. Do the math.

4) I TOLD you Harrington was the MAN
- To start this thread it is, surprisingly, not necessary to actually EVER have said anything of the kind about Harrington previously. The fact that the thread started never asserted anything of the kind previously is quickly obfuscated by the intense figthing generated between the Harrington and Culpepper clans in tribal warfare.

5) Everyone Overreacted!
- It's amazing how well winning fosters self-growth! After a win, everyone can admit their little flaws, their mistakes, the times they flamed people and shouldn't have, and even the times they overrreacted to the Dolphins struggles. Winning is manna from the heavens and immediately catapults most of us into a self-actualized state.

6) Saban's Press Conference!!!
Suddenly we announce with excitement and glee any link to any word to be spoken from this master leader of men. We hang off his every word. We revel in sharing the joy with him. He pumps his fist and declares "We played like a high school team and barely won!!" We respond like fevered madmen, delirious with joy: "YEAH! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

7) Yeah, but....
These are the guys that could be getting a revolving bj from the Swedish bikini team and still find something to complain about. "Sure we won, but did you see how _____ (insert player) _______ (did/didn't do such and such)??? This is going to be a HUGE problem soon!!!" Malthusiasns delight in these threads, advising us of impending doom due to the toughness of our next opponent, minor injuries that will destroy the team, how the team won only because the other team sucked (actually true this year), and generally how the earth is overpopulated and mankind needs to do its part by dying out.
Be sure to invite these people to your parties.

8) I was AT the GAME!!!
These guys actually share with us a bit of the excitement of the game experience, and often some insights based on what they saw but the cameras didn't. I actually like these threads. Keep them coming!

9) The Jets/Bills/Pats are Overrated!
- When we win, not only have we gotten better, but a miraculous thing happens: our win makes every single team in the AFC East *instantaneously* worse! Talk about a 2-for-1 special! Suddenly the Bills can't do anything, the Jets had a fluke run that's over now, and the Pats lack of depth will show by the end of the season when we overtake them.

10) Next Week!
When we lose, generally Sunday through Thursday are spent dwelling on how crappily we played. When we win, of course, we can't WAIT to play the next game, full of hope and expectation. Before Sunday's victory is even over threads will begin to appear scouting next week's opponent's CURRENT game. How are they looking today? How will that translate into next week? How will we beat them (not IF, but HOW will we choose to do it, through the air, on the ground or with defense?). Oh this is a very optimistic time for Fins fans! Win ENOUGH and you start looking SEVERAL weeks ahead. Win six times in a row and you can skip whole seasons and start talking about the Superbowl you'll be in.

That's it... I can't wait to read at least ten of these again on Sunday.

GO PHINS!!!! :dolphins: :dolphins: :dolphins: :dolphins: :dolphins:

10-13-2006, 02:04 PM
LOL, you pretty much nailed them on the head. The Fire Saban and Ronnie is a bust threads are my favorite to read. They are so funny.

10-13-2006, 02:08 PM
haha nice

10-13-2006, 02:12 PM
You forgot:

#5. Daunte Is Unbelievably Selfish

10-13-2006, 02:14 PM
You forgot:

#5. Daunte Is Unbelievably Selfish

LOl. THat is TOTALLY mine!!!! LOL.

I'm guilty as charged, no doubt.

Nice call CK.

10-13-2006, 02:16 PM

I think a moderator should sticky this. :D

10-13-2006, 02:17 PM
Nice one, thanks, cracked me up! :lol:

Since this Team has been mostly losing this season, I guess we can relate to the "losing threads" best. Unfortunately. Still it's been a general observation that Internet message boards are mainly for those who wanna rant negative. I mean plainly what is sexy or empowering about waxing positive? Every fan with an opinion trots out their most foul take, _____ SUCKS!!!

It's so much more refreshing than "Go Team" or cheerleading ever could be. Every junior fantasy leaguer needs to blow off steam after a loss. Fingers furiously pecking away, determined to let us know the depths of their frustration. And of course hoping for a modicum of respect since 99% of fellow Members are also going negative - a constant barrage.

>> You may already notice the popularity of the exclamation mark "!" following a loss.

Hopefully we won't need those this week after the Dolphins WIN. er, WIN! :cooldude: