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TexasFish20
10-26-2006, 07:54 PM
Hey guys.........I'm needing some help/advice on this please. This girl I've been talking to after only a few days has told me that she has Borderline Personality Disorder. I have never known anyone with this or anything like it. I do like this girl but she did tell me that she cuts(it was a yr ago when she last did it) and has suicidal thoughts. I like her and so I don't want to just bail out like a chump. We are supposed to go out for the 1st time tomorrow night. Do any of you know someone that has this disorder and could possibly share an experience and how you dealt with it? ANY info or advice would be greatly appreciated because I am kinda lost on the whole thing. Thanks guys.

Silverphin
10-26-2006, 08:12 PM
For what it is:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_Personality_Disorder

And the best advice I could give you is be yourself, be nice to the girl, and treat her right. Basically, like a normal date.

Oh yeah, tell a friend to come with you incognito, just in case a gamekiller comes by.

finswin56
10-26-2006, 08:15 PM
Man, I don't know anything about this, but wow. My first impression was to run like hell... but, that takes a lot of guts to tell someone you like about your problem before the first date.
Sorry, I don't have any good advise on this, but I just wanted to point out that her "confession" must have been REALLY difficult.

Fin Fan in Cali
10-26-2006, 08:17 PM
Man, I don't know anything about this, but wow. My first impression was to run like hell... but, that takes a lot of guts to tell someone you like about your problem before the first date.
Sorry, I don't have any good advise on this, but I just wanted to point out that her "confession" must have been REALLY difficult.True Joe, and you have to respect her that she was upfront from the start.:wink:

TexasFish20
10-26-2006, 08:20 PM
Man, I don't know anything about this, but wow. My first impression was to run like hell... but, that takes a lot of guts to tell someone you like about your problem before the first date.
Sorry, I don't have any good advise on this, but I just wanted to point out that her "confession" must have been REALLY difficult.

Bro you don't even know how much I respected her for telling me that right away. I could tell it was extremely hard for her to tell me. That showed me that she does really like me and that meant so much to me. That's why I want to give it a chance and see what might transpire.

Silverphin
10-26-2006, 08:20 PM
Yeah, what they say. Just take it day by day.

TexasFish20
10-26-2006, 08:21 PM
For what it is:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_Personality_Disorder

And the best advice I could give you is be yourself, be nice to the girl, and treat her right. Basically, like a normal date.

Oh yeah, tell a friend to come with you incognito, just in case a gamekiller comes by.

Thanks silver

Silverphin
10-26-2006, 08:25 PM
Thanks silver

You welcome. Gotta love Wikipedia. I found out all kinds of information... even some I didn't even want to know. :nono:

finswin56
10-26-2006, 08:45 PM
Bro you don't even know how much I respected her for telling me that right away. I could tell it was extremely hard for her to tell me. That showed me that she does really like me and that meant so much to me. That's why I want to give it a chance and see what might transpire.I can only imagine that you were probably pretty unconfortable listening to her also. Most people would have far too embarrassed to tell you. Those who would have, probably would have waited for a few dates so that you already liked them.
I wish I knew more about her problem, but I can tell you this girl has some mighty fine character.

dreday
10-26-2006, 09:11 PM
Id be very careful Texas.The reality of this situation is she might need more help than you can offer her.I think you should ask yourself:
1) Are you ready to handle things if things go awry.
2) If it doesnt work what are YOU going to do.
3) Are you just attracted to the wrong kinds of women.

Heres an idea: Take a look at yourself,and figure out what you REALLY want,youll endure alot less heartache if in fact something does go wrong.

Shouright
10-26-2006, 11:13 PM
Id be very careful Texas.The reality of this situation is she might need more help than you can offer her.I think you should ask yourself:
1) Are you ready to handle things if things go awry.
2) If it doesnt work what are YOU going to do.
3) Are you just attracted to the wrong kinds of women.

Heres an idea: Take a look at yourself,and figure out what you REALLY want,youll endure alot less heartache if in fact something does go wrong.Very good advice IMO.

Hi TexasFish. finswin56 PM'd me and said I might be able to contribute to this thread since I'm a psychologist. I've never come to the lounge before, so this is new for me. Hope I can fit in without sounding pompous or anything.

I could be wrong, but it sounds like you're still at the point that you haven't developed any strong feelings for this girl. I certainly don't mean to sound insensitive toward her when I say this, but if that's the case then my word of advice is to get away now while you still have your sanity.

I know it seems admirable that she's told you these things about herself already, but let me assure you that that's part of the disorder: people with this particular disorder have a problem with interpersonal boundaries. They tend to "merge" emotionally with other people, and telling someone something about your innermost self before any trust has developed in the relationship is one way of attempting to do that. Not saying she was intending that consciously or that she does that easily with everyone, just that this is probably her common way of being with others and she probably knows no alternative.

Anyway, there are a lot worse things in store for you if you stay with this person, which is why I'm giving you this advice. If you want a "Hollywood" example of this kind of person, go rent the movie "Fatal Attraction." Lots of people thought Glenn Close's character in that movie behaved the way she did because she was a lover scorned. They said things like, "that'll teach ya to cheat with somebody and then drop 'em real quick like that." Not so. She was a person with Borderline Personality Disorder.

I certainly don't mean you're likely to be killed by her, just that things will probably get VERY chaotic if you're in a committed relationship with her, and your life will probably go downhill in a lot of major ways.

Best of luck to you. And again, I don't mean to sound insensitive toward her. She probably has a history of severe sexual and emotional abuse at the hands of people she trusted fully and who betrayed her big time. But that's not your kettle of fish unless you allow it to be. Let a therapist handle that and then try it again with her after she's done some deep work in therapy.

Hope this helped. :wink:

dolphan117
10-26-2006, 11:36 PM
I'm with shou here, its a good sign that she hasn't been cutting in the last year but if the personality disorder is something that is still going on along with the suicidal thoughts than as cruel as it may sound she doesn't need a boyfriend, she needs a competently trained professional who can work with her to try and understand why she feels the way she does and hopefully come to peace with it. And possibly with the help of a doctor who can prescribe medication.

As someone who has been through some things I can tell you that there are times when friend with good intention just aren't enough, don't get me wrong you always need good friends but there are situations that are very complicated and the average person just has no idea how to deal with. If you have never been around a person like this before then I really doubt this is a good idea. A: you have never seen it and therefore don't have a good idea of how to help her, and B: you have never been around something like this which means you probably don't recognise the danger signs that may be there.

There can be a tendency in us guys to always try and rescue people, its an honorable trait to be sure but not always wise. If you have never been around this situation its very doubtful that you are going to be able to help her and in the end you will probably end up on the very short end of a very unhappy stick. Be very, very careful bro, she may be a great person but right now is probably a very bad time for a serious relationship. Down the road if she is able to get some help maybe but if she is suicidal no is a very bad time IMO.

If you decide not to go ahead with a relationship just be honest and carefully with her. Tell here that right now you just don't feel like you can be what she needs right now even though you like her and appreciate and respect her honesty. She isn't your responsibility to fix bro.

d-day
10-27-2006, 06:56 AM
i've worked with borderlines all my life - honestly man - the problem she has isn't worth it - you want a steady relationship you'll never get it with this girl - the last serious g-friend i had was actually borderline - after i got into a whole different field of work all together - you would think i would have known better - 1 night i woke up and she was laying in the tub w/ both her wrists sliced up - called 911 and had to rush her to the hospital - another time while i was asleep, she o.d.'ed on her prescription medicine - same story... not worth the drama - unless you're a drama king, i'd stay the **** away

Timmy54
10-27-2006, 08:50 AM
give her credit for telling you up front. I hope she is getting treatment. As for you, run dude. Be honest with her and explain you can not handle that kind of drama. do it before you start having feelings for her. I had a girl that had a little of an undiagnosed problem and one night she came at me with a knife while i was asleep. scary stuff dude and really not worth it.

SpurzN703
10-27-2006, 10:12 AM
Id be very careful Texas.The reality of this situation is she might need more help than you can offer her.I think you should ask yourself:
1) Are you ready to handle things if things go awry.
2) If it doesnt work what are YOU going to do.
3) Are you just attracted to the wrong kinds of women.

Heres an idea: Take a look at yourself,and figure out what you REALLY want,youll endure alot less heartache if in fact something does go wrong.

Exactly man. Things might go well for a long time but then suddenly something happens. Just think very long term about the situation and ask yourself if you're willing to handle something big going down from here on out.

Be strong man!

SpurzN703
10-27-2006, 10:15 AM
Also man as I'm sure you know, this whole thing isn't her fault, and it's a shame that she'll miss out on relationships b/c of this. But that's how it is. No one wants to see you or her or anyone hurt. I hope you stand by the decision you make. You could always be there for her and remain friends.

But it's on you brother

dreday
10-27-2006, 11:38 AM
And not to reiterate what has already been said,ok nevermind.Come join us in the DD thread man.Theres some cool guys in there that know what they are talking about man.Trust me we can help.-Lata

tucker
10-27-2006, 12:54 PM
cut your losses and leave

TexasFish20
10-28-2006, 02:11 AM
And not to reiterate what has already been said,ok nevermind.Come join us in the DD thread man.Theres some cool guys in there that know what they are talking about man.Trust me we can help.-Lata

What is the DD thread?

lazareth
10-28-2006, 02:23 AM
What is the DD thread? the Double your Date thread http://www.finheaven.com/boardvb2/showthread.php?t=166978

TexasFish20
10-28-2006, 02:25 AM
I would just like to say thank you to everyone who posted in this thread.

Here's the update........I went out with her tonight as originally planned. We had a great time. We went out to eat and then to a haunted house. I kept looking at her and she had this huge smile on her face. It was like I felt that I could make her happy enough that I could stand by her to get through all of this and she would conquer it. She tells me that she really likes me. Maybe I mistyped in my original posts but she did not tell me she had suicidal thoughts, just that its a symptom of those with bpa.

I'm taking her to this Halloween party a friend of mine is throwing Sat night. It's just when all was said and done tonight, I was really glad I went out with her. I'm so confused. :confused:

TexasFish20
10-28-2006, 02:26 AM
the Double your Date thread http://www.finheaven.com/boardvb2/showthread.php?t=166978

oh ok, thanks

TexasFish20
10-28-2006, 02:34 AM
Very good advice IMO.

Hi TexasFish. finswin56 PM'd me and said I might be able to contribute to this thread since I'm a psychologist. I've never come to the lounge before, so this is new for me. Hope I can fit in without sounding pompous or anything.

I could be wrong, but it sounds like you're still at the point that you haven't developed any strong feelings for this girl. I certainly don't mean to sound insensitive toward her when I say this, but if that's the case then my word of advice is to get away now while you still have your sanity.

I know it seems admirable that she's told you these things about herself already, but let me assure you that that's part of the disorder: people with this particular disorder have a problem with interpersonal boundaries. They tend to "merge" emotionally with other people, and telling someone something about your innermost self before any trust has developed in the relationship is one way of attempting to do that. Not saying she was intending that consciously or that she does that easily with everyone, just that this is probably her common way of being with others and she probably knows no alternative.

Anyway, there are a lot worse things in store for you if you stay with this person, which is why I'm giving you this advice. If you want a "Hollywood" example of this kind of person, go rent the movie "Fatal Attraction." Lots of people thought Glenn Close's character in that movie behaved the way she did because she was a lover scorned. They said things like, "that'll teach ya to cheat with somebody and then drop 'em real quick like that." Not so. She was a person with Borderline Personality Disorder.

I certainly don't mean you're likely to be killed by her, just that things will probably get VERY chaotic if you're in a committed relationship with her, and your life will probably go downhill in a lot of major ways.

Best of luck to you. And again, I don't mean to sound insensitive toward her. She probably has a history of severe sexual and emotional abuse at the hands of people she trusted fully and who betrayed her big time. But that's not your kettle of fish unless you allow it to be. Let a therapist handle that and then try it again with her after she's done some deep work in therapy.

Hope this helped. :wink:

I appreciate the feedback and no you are not coming off as a jerk or anything like that. The main thing for me is the self mutilation that extremely bothers me. Do you think though that it might be possible that if prior to us getting together, I could propose to her that we could be together down the line if she promised not to cut anymore because I won't put up with it? And if she sees me as something that could be really great then she would agree to that and really not do it anymore period? It seemed to me that if she hasn't done it in a year then that's great progress. I do need to find out if she is seeing a therapist. She did say she is taking medication.

TexasFish20
10-28-2006, 02:36 AM
i've worked with borderlines all my life - honestly man - the problem she has isn't worth it - you want a steady relationship you'll never get it with this girl - the last serious g-friend i had was actually borderline - after i got into a whole different field of work all together - you would think i would have known better - 1 night i woke up and she was laying in the tub w/ both her wrists sliced up - called 911 and had to rush her to the hospital - another time while i was asleep, she o.d.'ed on her prescription medicine - same story... not worth the drama - unless you're a drama king, i'd stay the **** away

Jeez D-Day, that is horrible. And see that would be my 1 true fear of the whole situation. I just for the life of me can't figure out why someone would harm themselves like that. It amazes me.

FinaciousOne
10-28-2006, 03:10 AM
TexasFish20, I don't know the answer(And believe me, I've thought long and hard on this type of situation). It's too hard to equate past experiences with current circumstances. I have know cutters who have spontaneously changed and never done it again. (Yes, it baffled me, I still don't profess to understand, even though it was someone I loved dearly) All I guess I can say is be careful, be honest, treat her as you would want to be treated, understand that despite what may be represented, this is not yet fully understood, and good luck.

BritP
10-28-2006, 08:48 AM
I would just like to say thank you to everyone who posted in this thread.

Here's the update........I went out with her tonight as originally planned. We had a great time. We went out to eat and then to a haunted house. I kept looking at her and she had this huge smile on her face. It was like I felt that I could make her happy enough that I could stand by her to get through all of this and she would conquer it. She tells me that she really likes me. Maybe I mistyped in my original posts but she did not tell me she had suicidal thoughts, just that its a symptom of those with bpa.

I'm taking her to this Halloween party a friend of mine is throwing Sat night. It's just when all was said and done tonight, I was really glad I went out with her. I'm so confused. :confused:


and so it begins.....life will be a roller coaster ride from here on out, my cousin dated a woman like this for years, she dearly destroyed him. Tremendous highs and devastating lows..... a lot more lows - 90% of time. She will wait until you are good and hooked before the darkness falls. He too thought he could love enough for the both of them. He was wrong. She too had no suicidal thoughts, but her illness owned their relationship. He was twisted in knots all the time. When he finally couldn't take it any more, he was a changed man, but he is finally free of the constant turmoil and drama. I am not saying you should leave or you should stay. I will pray for you both.

inFINSible
10-28-2006, 11:13 AM
I would just like to say thank you to everyone who posted in this thread.

Here's the update........I went out with her tonight as originally planned. We had a great time. We went out to eat and then to a haunted house. I kept looking at her and she had this huge smile on her face. It was like I felt that I could make her happy enough that I could stand by her to get through all of this and she would conquer it. She tells me that she really likes me. Maybe I mistyped in my original posts but she did not tell me she had suicidal thoughts, just that its a symptom of those with bpa.

I'm taking her to this Halloween party a friend of mine is throwing Sat night. It's just when all was said and done tonight, I was really glad I went out with her. I'm so confused. :confused:
I think I'm reading this correctly.....She is happy now because you're her "drug of choice" at the moment......Begginings of new relationships are like crack to someone like her......when she has emotions, they are all based on what is happening in her life at that particular moment and not on what she feels inside, which never changes....Her "personality" is all based on the external and not the internal....so what may seem like a happy well adjusted honest person will change into someone far different as soon as the external influences change....what you're seeing is a high....and through normal relationship evolution, you'll come to see the lows too....and it won't be fun anymore......and eventually, she'll go looking for her next hit of "new relationship".

FinsAreLife
10-28-2006, 11:47 AM
i think the best thing to do would be to be yourself, like you would with any other girl. Other than that i dont know what else to say unfortunatley, but have a good time.

FinSinceBirth
10-28-2006, 07:53 PM
I just studied this disorder in pyschology class. My teacher says the people with bpd are very caring and nuturing in relationships but to the point where it is over the top and too much. They are also very manipulative people. She told us that you never want to cross somone with this disorder, because they can be dangerous and will get revenge. She related stories of her experiences with a friend w/ bpd, and they were not pretty stories. My advice is to stay away.

Shouright
10-29-2006, 01:08 AM
I appreciate the feedback and no you are not coming off as a jerk or anything like that. The main thing for me is the self mutilation that extremely bothers me. Do you think though that it might be possible that if prior to us getting together, I could propose to her that we could be together down the line if she promised not to cut anymore because I won't put up with it? And if she sees me as something that could be really great then she would agree to that and really not do it anymore period? It seemed to me that if she hasn't done it in a year then that's great progress. I do need to find out if she is seeing a therapist. She did say she is taking medication.Good questions. The problem IMO is that the cutting and the suicidal thoughts are superficial (meaning "on the surface," not "mild") symptoms of a much deeper problem that is incredibly difficult to address even for a trained professional. There are horror stories of therapists quitting the profession because of borderline clients and of mental hospitals being turned upside down organizationally because of a few borderline patients on the ward.

That's maybe what I didn't say in my other post, that this disorder is one of the most severe in the world of mental illness. IMO schizophrenia and bipolar disorder are the only ones more severe, and even some of those people would be easier to coexist with in a committed relationship believe it or not. And it's not just the cutting and the suicidal thoughts that make it so severe. It's also the basic personality structure of the person and the extreme difficulty they have in regulating their feelings. They're pretty much functioning emotionally like a 2 or 3 year old would.

Shouright
10-29-2006, 01:19 AM
I think I'm reading this correctly.....She is happy now because you're her "drug of choice" at the moment......Begginings of new relationships are like crack to someone like her......when she has emotions, they are all based on what is happening in her life at that particular moment and not on what she feels inside, which never changes....Her "personality" is all based on the external and not the internal....so what may seem like a happy well adjusted honest person will change into someone far different as soon as the external influences change....what you're seeing is a high....and through normal relationship evolution, you'll come to see the lows too....and it won't be fun anymore......and eventually, she'll go looking for her next hit of "new relationship".Right on target FINS. The only thing I'd adjust slightly in what you said is that when she hits her lows, she probably won't go looking for a new relationship. What she'll do instead is blame you for "not meeting my needs" and get extremely angry and vindictive about it. She probably won't go looking for someone else because being alone is one of the most uncomfortable things in the world for these people. Instead she'll remain emotionally "merged" with you and want YOU to make her "high" again, even though all you've done is be your steady self.

The problem is that these people's feeling of not having their needs met in their romantic relationships is generated by an early childhood in which their emotional needs really weren't met. But because that feeling is from so early in life, it's actually impossible for anyone to meet their needs nowadays, because no adult can or wants to "parent" and care for another adult as though she's a three-year-old.

Consequently you'll never satisfy her because her level of need is from such an early time in life. It's that of a very young child. It's definitely sad for these people, but it makes a romantic relationship with them next to impossible.

inFINSible
10-31-2006, 08:52 AM
Right on target FINS. The only thing I'd adjust slightly in what you said is that when she hits her lows, she probably won't go looking for a new relationship. What she'll do instead is blame you for "not meeting my needs" and get extremely angry and vindictive about it. She probably won't go looking for someone else because being alone is one of the most uncomfortable things in the world for these people. Instead she'll remain emotionally "merged" with you and want YOU to make her "high" again, even though all you've done is be your steady self.

The problem is that these people's feeling of not having their needs met in their romantic relationships is generated by an early childhood in which their emotional needs really weren't met. But because that feeling is from so early in life, it's actually impossible for anyone to meet their needs nowadays, because no adult can or wants to "parent" and care for another adult as though she's a three-year-old.

Consequently you'll never satisfy her because her level of need is from such an early time in life. It's that of a very young child. It's definitely sad for these people, but it makes a romantic relationship with them next to impossible. I just read more about it on a few websites and about some other disorders....and is it just me, or does it seem like there is a disorder that fits just about everyone? :lol:
.Please don't tell me it's just me....