View Full Version : Divorce Letter. LMAO!! (PG-13)

11-03-2006, 09:20 AM
I laughed until I cried!!!

Dear Connie,
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our
"cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I
swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little
boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make
contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling
back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost
me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking
bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us
does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt And this
is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you
in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.
Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with
me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my
desperation. She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies
that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I
mean, just a perfect body. **** like you wouldn't believe and an ***
that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right?
But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look
at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.
What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this
case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better
person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive
Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.
Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I
found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just
her lawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else.
Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then
it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you.
Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do
just reminds me of you. Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the
Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan
of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman
around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the
real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you
know, we're banging away in our old bedroom.
And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me
everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her
weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she
spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts
it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And
it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help
thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old
vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I
mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on
her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during is painful time.
She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general.
She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is.
So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about
happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can
do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that
just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole
anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured
you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness
between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside
your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?
It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we
could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start
I Think we can. If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.
Otherwise, can you let me know where the ****ing remote is?

Love, Dan

Pennington's Rocket Arm
11-03-2006, 09:56 AM
i cried until i laughed! weird.

11-03-2006, 10:06 AM
Wow, if that is a real letter, I want to shake that guys hand. Well maybe a high five would be more appropriate.

retired opfinistic
11-03-2006, 10:35 AM
Men, save this on your hard drive for future reference.

11-03-2006, 11:07 AM
meh. Dan's a lying poosie. And Connie's doing the JV basketball
team, she just doesn't put it to paper, like a bitter fruitcake.


11-03-2006, 11:19 AM
Holy crap :sidelol:

11-03-2006, 11:20 AM

11-03-2006, 11:33 AM

11-03-2006, 11:49 AM
why give her evidence, come on dude!!1

nice one on the hotty tho

11-03-2006, 11:49 AM
wow :lol:

11-03-2006, 11:58 AM

11-03-2006, 12:00 PM

11-03-2006, 12:03 PM
wade is throwing a smile on all threads, isnt that sweet of him

11-03-2006, 12:10 PM

11-03-2006, 12:20 PM
I want some cinnamon

11-03-2006, 12:22 PM
I want some cinnamon


11-03-2006, 12:23 PM
wade is throwing a smile on all threads, isnt that sweet of him

I can tell you work in a lab and are a scientist. Your unparalleled powers of observation are trully impressive to witness in action. I bet they even let you use the regular scissors.

11-03-2006, 12:27 PM

LMAO. I have to copy and save that smiley. :lol:

11-03-2006, 01:01 PM

no way this could be a real letter, and if it was he just handed over the keys to Connie's divorce attorney.


11-03-2006, 02:51 PM
best line:

"when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?"

:sidelol: :sidelol: