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onemanswarm
12-06-2006, 12:06 PM
Every Tuesday morning, I wake up an hour early so that I can sit on the floor of my shower and meditate on the current state of the NFL until the water runs cold. This morning, through the power of prayer, the following rankings were revealed to me:

1. San Diego Chargers (10-2): The San Diego Chargers are the Salma Hayek of the National Football League. They may not be your flavor of choice, but damn if they aren’t the most well-rounded in the biz. The Chargers boast the league’s best player in LaDomlinson, who is on pace to wipe himself with Shalexander’s single season touchdown record. Only the wingless Falcons have gained more yards on the ground, but they lack the balance of an effective passing attack like the one led by Phrivers. The Chargers also have the luxury of a top-ten defense, which is likely to get even better following the return of standout pass rusher Shawne Merriman. By the way, Sherriman, you’re in the NFL. You make a mil-5. You can afford to step up to the designer steroids now. Or, go get you some of that Human Growth Hormone everyone’s talking about. A little boost to cranial circumference might even help you plane out that point on your head. Hmmm… shall I delete that last line or spend the rest of my life in hiding?


2. Indianapolis Colts (10-2): Manning put up some gaudy yardage through the air, but the loss to Tennessee came as a result of the run game. The Colts managed just 100 yards on 29 carries while giving up an erection-inspiring 6.25 yards per carry to the Titans. The adjective ‘erection-inspiring’ was chosen in response to several reports that Jeff Fisher was rocking a Ron Burgandy after the game.


3. New England Patriots (9-3): I figured out why I am unable to support the 2006 New England Patriots: Reche Caldwell. He has runaway bride eyes. Why isn’t there a better name for that condition? We need the ability to efficiently categorize people like Caldwell, Charles Manson, and Jennifer Wilbanks. I nominate ‘surpreyes,’ ‘hypnoteyes,’ or something related to Dr. Bunsen Honeydew’s lab assistant, Beeker.


4. Baltimore Ravens (9-3): Seven suns since the soothsaying spray of the sharp shooting shower foretold of future football failures. Cincinnati stole the spot for Thursday’s thriller, thrashing Brian Billick’s Baltimore ballers badly. Kansas City seeks similar circumstances Sunday. Can Cleveland capitalize and continue clinching correct conjecture?


5. Dallas Cowboys (8-4): Martin Gramatica’s performance was the most dramatically successful comeback bid since Rocky’s rematch with Apollo Creed. A quick word on Rocky Balboa: The only way to salvage that film is if Rocky dies in the ring. Nothing short of death will suffice, and the more grotesque his demise, the better. My personal choice: 1st round. Mason "The Line" Dixon fires a combination to the body and face of Balboa. A vicious uppercut to the flabby skin is followed by a right cross which catches the aged gladiator flush on the chin. The crackling sound of fusing vertebrae is heard as Balboa’s face is spun a full 180 degrees. Balboa falls lifeless to the canvas, his backward head staring upward as the lights go black one final time. A quick pan through the audience glimpses a steroid atrophied Ivan Drago as a single tear falls from his cheek. Roll credits.


6. Chicago Bears (10-2): The Bears are hereby banished from the top 5 until they establish some consistency from the quarterback position. They have arguably the best defense and special teams in the league. Their running game is starting to peak at the perfect time. Yet they seem convinced that they need a 300-yard passing effort from Rex Grossman. They don’t. This same team won 10 games last season with Neck Beard at the helm. The shower predicts that Ron Turner will ask Grossman to rein it in and will change his own play-calling to reflect a preference for practicing safe Rex.


7. Seattle Seahawks (8-4): I kept flipping back and forth between this game and Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. I guess there’s only one thing left to say. Welcome home, Jay Cutler. Welcome home. Seriously, can you blame me for not devoting my full attention to that game? The first half was about as satisfying as those paparazzi pics of Britney Spears’ sausage wallet.


8. New Orleans Saints (8-4): Speaking of euphemisms for female reproductive organs, let’s talk Bush. I’m so impressed that Reggie waited for the guests from San Francisco to arrive before hosting his official coming-out party. You stay classy, Reggie Meatdrapes.


9 – 13: The 7-5 AFC Wild Card Madhouse. I haven’t been this dumbfounded by a bottle neck since my subscription to Nugget expired. Anyway, based on ease of remaining schedule:


9. New York Jets (7-5): Buffalo, @Minnesota, @Miami, Oakland


10. Denver Broncos (7-5): @San Diego, @ Arizona, Cincinnati, San Francisco


11. Cincinnati Bengals (7-5): Oakland, @Indianapolis, @Denver, Pittsburghhh


12. Kansas City Chiefs (7-5): Baltimore, @San Diego, @Oakland, Jacksonville


13. Jacksonville Jaguars (7-5): Indianapolis, @Tennessee, New England, @Kansas City

14. Atlanta Falcons (6-6): When I saw that clip of Jim Mora Jr. grab-assing on the sideline with his players, I was reminded of that sickening feeling I get whenever my boss invites me to hit the rock after one of his terrible jokes. I always give in, but a piece of me dies every time. Luckily, the shower was able to help me to interpret these feelings correctly: loss of essence. The Falcons are harboring secret contempt for their coach, which is a surefire recipe for a .500 season.


15. New York Giants (6-6): Matthias Kiwanuka made a huge early interception, but was stripped of the ball during his return. The fumble was recovered by Dallas, and the renewed drive led to the game’s first touchdown. Isn’t Matthanuka the same guy who wrapped up Vince Young for a game-ending sack on 4th and 10, only to release him at the last second so that he could convert the first down? And didn’t that happen just last week? Has Matthanuka run into similar problems in his personal life these past two weeks? Say, for instance, that he was making love to his girlfriend last Tuesday, and she had never experienced anything like it. She was in total ecstasy, and she wasn’t shy about letting the neighbors know it. Then, the very instant she was about to climax, Matthanuka started rubbing a greasy pork chop in her hair, launched his load right into her lace window treatments, and Davenported her half-filled laundry hamper.


16. Philadelphia Eagles (6-6): Headline: Garcia Crisp against Christmas & Co.


17. Carolina Panthers (6-6): Headline: Lloyd Christmas Bested by Possible Homersexual.


18. Miami Dolphins (5-7): I have to say, I was disappointed by the Dolphins effort in this game. I truly thought that they would finish with nine consecutive wins and still miss the playoffs. It would have been so triumphantly devastating; the perfect end to the perfect Miami Dolphins season. See, any coach can tank a season in the last six weeks. And there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s a time-tested and effective strategy for dispensing widespread melancholy amongst one’s fanbase. But it takes a special brand of genius to understand the value of tanking the first six weeks instead. Take Saban. He starts off with a pre-season Super Bowl favorite. Then he leads them to a 1-6 start. The entire city of Miami is in psychosocial ruins. Until they systematically dismantle the best team in the league, laying the foundation for a 9-game win streak. Only, the devilishly sadistic Saban has made sure that the Dolphins will never control their own destiny. They finish a respectable 10-6 but they still need Jacksonville to beat Kansas City in order to keep their post season hopes alive. Every point scored by the Chiefs would cause immeasurable pain. Nine weeks of reconstructed hope being stabbed by needles from 1,000 miles away. It would be absolute torture. Dolphans wouldn’t die as a result of that game. But for a thousand years, their dearest wish would be that they had. That is true pain. That is Nick Saban’s ultimate vision for the Miami Dolphins. And the Jags ruined everything. Damn you, Maurice Jones-Drew!


19. Tennessee Titans (5-7): Fast forward to the week of the AFC championship game: (BEEP) “Hi, coach Fisher? It’s Marty again. Schottenheimer. Listen, I know you’re busy enjoying the off-season and all, but it would really, really help me out if you could just return one of these messages for me, mmkay? Thanks, buddy. Bye.” (BEEP) “Jeff, Marty again. Just a couple of quick questions about how you adjusted your nickel package after the week 5 meeting. Gimme a shout. Kay? Bye.” (BEEP) “You’re so f*cking hot.” (BEEP) “Jeff, last call. I promise. Look, just tell me how to beat ‘em. Please?! If I blow this one, they're going to Dan Devine my dog!”


20. San Francisco 49ers (5-7): Antonio Bryant had a good game. Everyone else should be forced to tender his c*ckandballs until further notice.


21. Buffalo Bills (5-7): The good news: Willis McGahee and Takeo Spikes played. The bad news: Dick Jauron coached. A wiser daywalker than myself once said, “Some motherf*ckers are always tryin’ to ice skate uphill.” As long as Coach Jauron dons the headphones in Buffalo, the Bills will be just such motherf*ckers.


22. St. Louis Rams (5-7): Once upon a time, the Rams were 4-1 and Bulger had a 7:0 touchdown to interception ratio. Now they’ve lost 6 out of 7 and Bulger’s ratio is 9:7 during that stretch. Oh, and for good measure, they lost at home to the Cardinals Sunday. All of this means that the Rams will almost certainly beat the Bears Monday night because I am giving the points. I should just get it over with and break my own thumbs right now.


23. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-7): Arguably the most half-hearted title defense since Rocky Balboa’s first fight against Clubber Lang. Hey, fool! You ready for another beating?


24. Minnesota Vikings (5-7): Brad Johnson was horrible, but the worst performance of the day went to Vikings punter Chris Kluwe. For one shining moment, Soldier Field was home to more shanks than Cook County Jail. One of the punts was so bad, it landed on a Bear player and was recovered by the Vikings about 8 yards from the original line of scrimmage. Which got me thinking: is this necessarily a bad strategy? You create a play in which your punt team tries to corral as many opposing players as possible to a given spot on the field. The punter drops the kick right on top of the herd, hoping that the ball will plinko off of an opposing player. Couldn’t this work once a season? Would it be any less effective than any other fake punt play?


25. Washington Redskins (4-8): Just days after surrendering 24 unanswered points at home and blowing the opportunity to play spoiler to the Atlanta Falcons, the Washington Redskins announced that Joe Gibbs will be coming back to coach the 2007-08 season. Good timing. You wouldn’t want to make that announcement after a thrilling Week 12 victory over Carolina.


26. Green Bay Packers (4-8): Mike McCarthy has lost 5 of 6 at Lambeau Field. A word of advice, Coach: you might want to send your dog to stay at your mom’s place for a couple years. Just til things settle down a little bit.


27. Houston Texans (4-8): Q: What kind of numbers did Mario Williams put up while Reggie Beaver was turning cartwheels across the goal line with 49ers draped all over him? A: Two solo tackles. If you’re a Texans fan, do you literally cry after a week like that? Sure, your team managed a win. But you had to watch Sam Bowie labor for 6 points and 7 rebounds while MJ was dropping 50 in another team’s uni, and you have to know it won’t be the last time.


28. Cleveland Browns (4-8): Congratulations to the Cleveland Browns, who played in a meaningful game and tasted the sweet nectar of relevance for the first time since week 3. Now they find themselves playing in the Thursday night spotlight against a miserable Pittsburgh Steelers team. Something tells me the NFL network isn’t receiving a whole lot of last minute service requests for this one.


29. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-9): So now Pontiac Williams is getting outgained by Earnest Graham. Earnest Graham?! Graham’s mother Judith had the last pick in her 12-team, seventeen round, all-running back fantasy football league and even she went with P.J. Pope. She just felt that he had better upside than her Earnest.


30. Arizona Cardinals (3-9): Edgerrin James’ legs still work, and Marcel Shipp rewarded Judith Graham’s decision to draft him in the fourteenth round.


31. Oakland Raiders (2-10): Glancing at box scores Monday morning, I did a double take. What?! Houston scored 23 points on 32 yards passing?! That can’t be right. How is that even possib…oh, the Raiders. Still, they aren’t the worst team in the league. That distinction belongs to…


32. Detroit Lions (2-10): In this week’s episode of Killing a Fanbase, Josh McCown sees time at wide receiver, and Roy Williams says, "Look, we're 2-10. It's a good 2-10."

Rocky Raccoon
12-06-2006, 12:13 PM
:lol: genious.

MarinoEqualsGod
12-06-2006, 12:29 PM
Hey onemanswarm...great to have you over here buddy. I didn't know you had joined. Our site will be better off with you here. Now both sites will get to enjoy the genious that is onemanswarm.

P.S. I'm Ghost of '85 Phins over on your site.

dark_choc13
12-06-2006, 12:49 PM
Great Post!

peeps
12-06-2006, 01:02 PM
How come I feel like I just left a bad comedy club?

Gardenhead
12-06-2006, 01:15 PM
onemanswarm, you are a nut!

Great stuff!

MarinoEqualsGod
12-06-2006, 01:20 PM
Because you're drunk and on the prowl for hookers again?

Pay no attention to him...just do wat u do

unluckyluciano
12-06-2006, 01:40 PM
Great read.

steeda
12-06-2006, 01:51 PM
Loved reading this, great post!

adamprez2003
12-06-2006, 02:11 PM
chorus : Real Men Of Genius

Unfortunately, too much time has passed and too many beers have been drunk in the timespan otherwise I wouldve had a decent mock commercial singing your praises but alas I cant remember the friggin commercials anymore

peeps
12-06-2006, 03:58 PM
No personal attacks!


Because you're drunk and on the prowl for hookers again?

onemanswarm
12-06-2006, 03:59 PM
Hey onemanswarm...great to have you over here buddy. I didn't know you had joined. Our site will be better off with you here. Now both sites will get to enjoy the genious that is onemanswarm.

P.S. I'm Ghost of '85 Phins over on your site.

I thought I recognized you by the unconditional love for Marino. Good to see you, my friend.

Green Ranger
12-06-2006, 04:17 PM
The first half was about as satisfying as those paparazzi pics of Britney Spears’ sausage wallet.

hahahaha great work man!!!

PS- Lovin the Lloyd Christmas shout out again this week lmao

onemanswarm
12-06-2006, 04:19 PM
Your mom's a hooker?


Seriously, if you're going to rant in public forums you need to grow thicker skin. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings.

No need to apologize. I assure you that your comment neither hurt my feelings, nor bruised my ego, nor jeopardized the integrity of my happy place. Before deciding whether or not your comment could be taken as constructive criticism, I thought it might be wise to test your sense of humor, the very quality you were so quick to call into relevance. Based on your use of the "your mom's a hooker" comeback, I could not be more pleased that you found my rant to be pedestrian.

Green Ranger
12-06-2006, 04:22 PM
Your mom's a hooker?


Seriously, if you're going to rant in public forums you need to grow thicker skin. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings.

haha props on the fantastic come back!!! you must've stole that from one of the "bad comedy clubs" you attend...:D

PhinsRock
12-06-2006, 04:25 PM
Excellent post, would hate to see what would happen if you had a larger water heater.

colmax
12-06-2006, 04:34 PM
Like the use of alliteration in the Baltimore ranking.....

onemanswarm
12-06-2006, 04:38 PM
chorus : Real Men Of Genius

Unfortunately, too much time has passed and too many beers have been drunk in the timespan otherwise I wouldve had a decent mock commercial singing your praises but alas I cant remember the friggin commercials anymore

Adam, good to see you. www.budlight.com (http://www.budlight.com) They have a few funny samples.

onemanswarm
12-06-2006, 05:16 PM
Like the use of alliteration in the Baltimore ranking.....

So you're the one?

adamprez2003
12-06-2006, 05:24 PM
Adam, good to see you. www.budlight.com (http://www.budlight.com) They have a few funny samples.

Good seeing you. LOL. I promise I'll come up with one but right now the humor aint there. Its Patriots week and I'm more in the mood for blood:samurai:

onemanswarm
12-06-2006, 05:31 PM
Good seeing you. LOL. I promise I'll come up with one but right now the humor aint there. Its Patriots week and I'm more in the mood for blood:samurai:
Hahaha! Great smiley! Don't worry about the song. I just posted the link because I think those commercials are hilarious and if you haven't heard them in awhile, they're still pretty strengthy.

adamprez2003
12-06-2006, 05:37 PM
Hahaha! Great smiley! Don't worry about the song. I just posted the link because I think those commercials are hilarious and if you haven't heard them in awhile, they're still pretty strengthy.

:lol: We've got some great ones on this site. you should check them out

colmax
12-06-2006, 05:54 PM
So you're the one?

:cooldude:

onemanswarm
12-06-2006, 08:40 PM
:lol: We've got some great ones on this site. you should check them out

Original 'Real Men of Genius' material? Where would I find that?

peeps
12-07-2006, 09:42 AM
No need to apologize. I assure you that your comment neither hurt my feelings, nor bruised my ego, nor jeopardized the integrity of my happy place. Before deciding whether or not your comment could be taken as constructive criticism, I thought it might be wise to test your sense of humor, the very quality you were so quick to call into relevance. Based on your use of the "your mom's a hooker" comeback, I could not be more pleased that you found my rant to be pedestrian.

I'm sure you were just "testing my sense of humor". Cheap and defensive retorts on your part gave me the right to reply with equivalent lack of taste. No matter how you really felt, your first reply seemed insecure and out of character. You shouldn't let people get to you like that.

Pedestrian is a stretch. I'm sure not everyone here thinks you're funny.

HybridPHIN 23
12-07-2006, 10:10 AM
How come I feel like I just left a bad comedy club?
Dunno i feel like i just got out of the shower.... but that sure was a good read.... try dislodging the foreign object from your ****.
I like the Bills peice the best.... never heard that phrase re-utilized before !!! Made me wanna roundhouse - kick something sharp into someone's forehead, a negative nancy's head perhaps.

peeps
12-07-2006, 01:27 PM
...try dislodging the foreign object from your ****.


Is your tongue a foreign object? And what's a ****. You shouldn't need ***'s to get your point across.

Dredd1050
12-07-2006, 01:33 PM
This is the greatest post I have ever read here. EVER!!! Keep them coming man!

MarinoEqualsGod
12-07-2006, 01:49 PM
This is the greatest post I have ever read here. EVER!!! Keep them coming man!

The cool part is, this isn't even in onemanswarm's top 5 posts of all-time. Don't get me wrong, i thought it was great, but he has done better.

onemanswarm
12-07-2006, 04:44 PM
I'm sure you were just "testing my sense of humor". Cheap and defensive retorts on your part gave me the right to reply with equivalent lack of taste. No matter how you really felt, your first reply seemed insecure and out of character. You shouldn't let people get to you like that.

Pedestrian is a stretch. I'm sure not everyone here thinks you're funny.

I'm sure not everyone here thinks your mom is funny.

onemanswarm
12-07-2006, 04:46 PM
Inappropriate posts like this are not allowed!


Is your tongue a foreign object? And what's a ****. You shouldn't need ***'s to get your point across.

colmax
12-07-2006, 11:34 PM
(I'll take a shot at filling in the blanks)

1. rock
2. hat
3. cocaine
4. snorted
5. back
6. massages
7. pal

So, it would read thusly:

" Last night, I tossed my rock in your mom's hat, and she said it was the best cocaine she snorted since her son moved out and deprived her of back massages, pal. "


Is this pretty accurate, Swarm?

adamprez2003
12-07-2006, 11:43 PM
(I'll take a shot at filling in the blanks)

1. rock
2. hat
3. cocaine
4. snorted
5. back
6. massages
7. pal

So, it would read thusly:

" Last night, I tossed my rock in your mom's hat, and she said it was the best cocaine she snorted since her son moved out and deprived her of back massages, pal. "


Is this pretty accurate, Swarm?:sidelol: :sidelol: mad libs I love it

sn9ke.eyes
12-08-2006, 12:00 AM
5. Dallas Cowboys (8-4): Martin Gramatica’s performance was the most dramatically successful comeback bid since Rocky’s rematch with Apollo Creed. A quick word on Rocky Balboa: The only way to salvage that film is if Rocky dies in the ring. Nothing short of death will suffice, and the more grotesque his demise, the better. My personal choice: 1st round. Mason "The Line" Dixon fires a combination to the body and face of Balboa. A vicious uppercut to the flabby skin is followed by a right cross which catches the aged gladiator flush on the chin. The crackling sound of fusing vertebrae is heard as Balboa’s face is spun a full 180 degrees. Balboa falls lifeless to the canvas, his backward head staring upward as the lights go black one final time. A quick pan through the audience glimpses a steroid atrophied Ivan Drago as a single tear falls from his cheek. Roll credits.




15. New York Giants (6-6): Matthias Kiwanuka made a huge early interception, but was stripped of the ball during his return. The fumble was recovered by Dallas, and the renewed drive led to the game’s first touchdown. Isn’t Matthanuka the same guy who wrapped up Vince Young for a game-ending sack on 4th and 10, only to release him at the last second so that he could convert the first down? And didn’t that happen just last week? Has Matthanuka run into similar problems in his personal life these past two weeks? Say, for instance, that he was making love to his girlfriend last Tuesday, and she had never experienced anything like it. She was in total ecstasy, and she wasn’t shy about letting the neighbors know it. Then, the very instant she was about to climax, Matthanuka started rubbing a greasy pork chop in her hair, launched his load right into her lace window treatments, and Davenported her half-filled laundry hamper.


:sidelol:

HurriPhin
12-08-2006, 03:51 AM
:lol: Frikin hillarious my fellow fin. :lol:

peeps
12-08-2006, 09:07 AM
[quote=onemanswarm] Inappropriate posts like this are not allowed!

I finally got you to show your true, tasteless colors. The first one to get warned or banned loses. I only replied to your crude remarks. So I win and I will never open this thread again. See you in future threads and better luck next time.

Everybody cheer!

steeda
12-08-2006, 10:26 AM
lol at all the ******s in this thread

MarinoEqualsGod
12-08-2006, 12:02 PM
:lol: Frikin hillarious my fellow fin. :lol:

:lol: He called you a fellow fin onemanswarm...are you gonna take that :lol: Oh, I forgot, you love Marino and Shula.....my bad :D

Mike13
12-08-2006, 02:42 PM
The Colts managed just 100 yards on 29 carries while giving up an erection-inspiring 6.25 yards per carry to the Titans. The adjective ‘erection-inspiring’ was chosen in response to several reports that Jeff Fisher was rocking a Ron Burgandy after the game.


:lol: great stuff swarm.