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Silverphin
12-13-2006, 12:18 PM
Garrett's Principle
Let's not mince words: you're a thief. You can walk into just about anybody's house like the door wasn't even locked. You just barge right in and start looking for stuff. Anything you can find that's not nailed down is yours to keep. You will often walk into perfect strangers' houses, lift their precious artifacts, and then chat with them like you were old neighbors as you head back out with their family heirlooms under your arm. Unfortunately, this never works in stores.







Hey, I Know You!
You will accumulate at least three of these obligatory party members:
The spunky princess who is rebelling against her royal parent and is in love with the hero.
The demure, soft-spoken female mage and healing magic specialist who is not only in love with the hero, but is also the last survivor of an ancient race.
The tough-as-nails female warrior who is not in love with the hero (note that this is the only female character in the game who is not in love with the hero and will therefore be indicated as such by having a spectacular scar, a missing eye, cyborg limbs or some other physical deformity -- see The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly Rule.)
The achingly beautiful gothy swordsman who is riven by inner tragedy.
The big, tough, angry guy who, deep down, is a total softy.
The hero's best friend, who is actually much cooler than the hero.
The grim, selfish mercenary who over the course of the game learns what it means to really care about other people.
The character who is actually a spy for the bad guys but will instantly switch to your side when you find out about it.
The weird bonus character who requires a bizarre series of side quests to make them effective (with the ultimate result that no player ever uses this character if it can be avoided.)
The nauseatingly cute mascot who is useless in all battles.
Hey, I Know You, Too!
You will also confront/be confronted by at least three of these obligatory antagonists:
The amazingly good-looking and amazingly evil long-haired prettyboy who may or may not be the ultimate villain.
The villain's loyal right-hand man, who comes in two versions: humorously incompetent or annoyingly persistent.
The villain's attractive female henchman, who is the strongest and most competent soldier in the army but always lets the party escape because she's, yes, fallen in love with the hero.
Your former ally who supposedly "died" and was forgotten about, until much later in the game when he/she shows up again on the villain's side and full of bitterness.
The irritatingly honorable foe whom you never get to kill because, upon discovering the true nature of his superiors, he either nobly sacrifices himself or joins your party.
The insane clown or jester who will turn out to be surprisingly difficult to subdue.
The mad scientist who likes creating mutated creatures and powerful weapons 'cause it's fun (and also handy if uninvited adventurers show up.)
The adorably cute li'l creature or six year old child who fights you and, inexplicably, kicks your butt time after time.
Hey, I Know You, Three!
Furthermore, expect to encounter most of the following obligatory non-player chararcters (NPCs):
The townsperson or crewmember who wanders aimlessly in circles and never quite gets where he is going.
Hilariously incompetent or cowardly soldiers.
The NPC who has a crush on another NPC and can't quite work up the nerve to tell him or her, so instead tells every other person who wanders by about it at great length.
A group of small children playing hide-and-seek.
The wise and noble captain/king/high priest.
The wise and noble captain/king/high priest's splutteringly evil second-in-command. Nobody, including the hero, will notice the second's constant, crazed scheming until the moment when he betrays everyone to the forces of badness.
The NPC who is obsessed with his completely mundane job and witters on endlessly about how great it is. He's so thrilled by it that he wants to share it with everyone he sees, so given a quarter of a chance he'll make you do his job for him.
The (adult) NPC who has nothing better to do than play kids' games with passersby.
The group of young women who have formed a scarily obsessive fan club for one of your female party members.





"Silly Squall, bringing a sword to a gunfight..."
No matter what timeframe the game is set in -- past, present, or future -- the main hero and his antagonist will both use a sword for a weapon. (Therefore, you can identify your antagonist pretty easily right from the start of the game just by looking for the other guy who uses a sword.) These swords will be far more powerful than any gun and often capable of distance attacks.
Just Nod Your Head And Smile
And no matter how big that big-*** sword is, you won't stand out in a crowd. Nobody ever crosses the street to avoid you or seems to be especially shocked or alarmed when a heavily armed gang bursts into their house during dinner, rummages through their posessions, and demands to know if they've seen a black-caped man. People can get used to anything, apparently.
Aeris's Corollary
Just as the main male character will always use a sword or a variant of a sword, the main female character will always use a rod or a staff of some sort.



Indestructible Weapon Rule
No matter how many times you use that sword to strike armored targets or fire that gun on full auto mode it will never break, jam or need any form of maintenance unless it is critical to the story that the weapon breaks, jams or needs maintenance.





George W. Bush Geography Simplification Initiative
Every country in the world will have exactly one town in it, except for the country you start out in, which will have three.






Insomnia Rule
A "free stay at the inn" is never really free. Expect to be woken up in the middle of the night for a mandatory plot event.






First Law of Travel
Anything can become a vehicle -- castles, cities, military academies, you name it -- so do not be alarmed when the stones of the ancient fortress you are visiting shake underfoot and the whole thing lifts off into the sky. As a corollary, anything is capable of flight if it would be cool, aeronautics or even basic physics be damned.
Second Law of Travel
There will be only one of any non-trivial type of vehicle in the entire world. Thus, only one ocean-capable steamboat, only one airship, and so forth. Massive facilities will have been constructed all over the world to service this one vehicle.
Third Law of Travel
The only way to travel by land between different areas of a continent will always be through a single narrow pass in a range of otherwise impenetrable mountains. Usually a palace or monastery will have been constructed in the pass, entirely filling it, so that all intracontinental traffic is apparently required to abandon their vehicles and go on foot up stairs and through the barracks, library and throne room to get to the other side. This may explain why most people just stay home. (In some cases a cave or underground tunnel may be substituted for the palace or monastery, but it will still be just as inconvenient with the added bonuses of cave-ins and nonsensical elevator puzzles.)
Fourth Law of Travel
Three out of every four vehicles you ride on will eventually sink, derail or crash in some spectacular manner.
Fifth Law of Travel
All vehicles can be driven or piloted by anyone. The main character just needs to find out where the bridge or steering wheel is, as he already knows all of the controls.
Sixth Law of Travel
Nobody gets to own a cooler ride than you. If you ever do see a cooler vehicle than the one you've got now, at some point before the end of the game you will either take over this vehicle, get something even bigger and better, or else see it destroyed in a glorious blaze.
Seventh Law of Travel
When on a voyage to another continent, the journey will last only as long as it takes you to talk to all the other passengers and the captain.
Eighth Law of Travel
There are no shortcuts, ever -- unless you are forced to take them, in which case they will be much longer and more dangerous than your original route.
Last Law of Travel (Big Joe Rule)
As has been described, you must endure great trials just to get from town to town: locating different vehicles, operating ancient transport mechanisms, evading military blockades, the list goes on. But that's just you. Every other character in the game seems to have no trouble getting to any place in the world on a moment's notice.

http://www.project-apollo.net/text/rpg.html

mor911
12-13-2006, 12:27 PM
hilarious...some have been debunked, but funny nontheless

Majpain
12-13-2006, 01:49 PM
:lol:

Thats basically every RPG ever made.

Dolfan984
12-13-2006, 04:20 PM
"# Just Nod Your Head And Smile
And no matter how big that big-*** sword is, you won't stand out in a crowd. Nobody ever crosses the street to avoid you or seems to be especially shocked or alarmed when a heavily armed gang bursts into their house during dinner, rummages through their posessions, and demands to know if they've seen a black-caped man. People can get used to anything, apparently."

:lol: that one is great

Phinz420
12-13-2006, 11:13 PM
:sidelol:

Classic

Mike13
12-14-2006, 02:05 PM
Supply and Demand Axiom
Killing a powerful enemy will usually yield an item or weapon that would've been extremely useful if you had gotten it before killing that enemy. .

:lol:

TrueDolFan
12-14-2006, 05:56 PM
That was pretty good. I think one villan was left out, though.

The extremely wealthy, physically disabled, cowardly old guy who you usually confront twice. The first confrontation, he has his heavies fight you while he escapes. The second time you confront him, what a shocker, the man you thought was a weak cripple transforms into a monstrosity that is VERY powerful.

Majpain
12-14-2006, 06:29 PM
That was pretty good. I think one villan was left out, though.

The extremely wealthy, physically disabled, cowardly old guy who you usually confront twice. The first confrontation, he has his heavies fight you while he escapes. The second time you confront him, what a shocker, the man you thought was a weak cripple transforms into a monstrosity that is VERY powerful.

:lol: what RPG has that?

mor911
12-14-2006, 06:47 PM
:lol: what RPG has that?Sounds sorta like Kefka on FF6... Not exactly, but sort of

Silverphin
12-14-2006, 08:55 PM
That was pretty good. I think one villan was left out, though.

The extremely wealthy, physically disabled, cowardly old guy who you usually confront twice. The first confrontation, he has his heavies fight you while he escapes. The second time you confront him, what a shocker, the man you thought was a weak cripple transforms into a monstrosity that is VERY powerful.

:sidelol: