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View Full Version : Dear H. Wayne - I'm ready to take the job!!!



DolfanTom
01-03-2007, 01:36 PM
Dear H. Wayne:

I - DolfanTom- am hereby very interested in becoming the next coach of the Miami Dolphins. I have been a diehard fan for the past 25 years and am fully devoted to making the Miami Dolphins a winner!! Here is a list of my qualifications:

-I would work for only $500,000 per year. You save $4 million/per season over what you would have paid Saban. True, you would have to pry me away from my current employer - but for half a mill per, I would probably serve as one of Tom Brady's "gardeners."
-I've watched what seems like a million games in my life and I think I know a thing or two about football. You should see what I yell at the TV while watching games!
-I would bring with me a bang-up staff, who would also work relatively cheaply for you. For $400,000/year, like2god will be my offensive coordinator. His Photoshop skills will make our offense look good no matter what! For the same money, you'll get opie as my defensive coordinator. When the trolls come marching into the depths, you should see the guy push them away! We can't be stopped!!! I suppose I could bring in someone like Mike Shula to coach QBs, but otherwise, my staff will be made up of depth regulars. BZ will have to replace Harvey Greene as the PR guy, though - finally making his wife happy! And for - say - $300,000 per, I'm sure he'll swear off the Jets in a minute!
-Dan Marino will serve as the General Manager. I've always wanted to meet that guy! We would be bros!
-Whenever a difficult decision was upon us, I would happily consult FinHeaven for advice. Well, the depths anyways!
-I would dress better than BB. Heck, homeless people dress better than BB.

Now, I'll have to consult w/ my wife about the extra hours - travel back/fourth to Miami, etc. - so act quickly OK! If you're interested, just make a post here to this thread. Then, I'll put you in touch w/ my agent - B-lo!

Thanks H.Wayne. I look forward to working with you in the future to - once again - bring the Miami Dolphins back to greatness!

Sincerely Yours!
-DolfanTom


DolfanTom's Additional Staff:

TotoreMexico:
Role: Cheerleaders supervisor
Salary: Lots of condoms...and same benefits of FinaciousOne below.

finsrclowns:
Role: Director of toilet cleaning and scrubbing of Tom Brady's locker after Patriot games
Salary: Gets to sleep in the parking lot on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

icephinfan:
Role: Special Teams Coach
Salary: "Special" treatment from Totore's cheerleaders on demand

FinaciousOne:
Role: Director of Cheeleader recruitment and exploration (Note: I have always felt the Dolphins cheerleaders were underpaid. As of now, they make one million per, each! And the Director and Supervisor of cheerleaders will have the final say as to who makes the team and who doesn't. So ... you see ... lots of pretty girls .... seeking out a million per ... and only two guys making the decision ..... hmmmm .....).
Salary: Benefits of being one of two people in charge of hiring desperate beautiful women who want a job paying one million per.

TotoreMexico
01-03-2007, 01:49 PM
:rofl:

DolfanTom
01-03-2007, 01:53 PM
BTW guys - starting w/ you Totore - if you want on my staff, just state your desired position, and salary here!

like2god
01-03-2007, 02:03 PM
:lol:

The only thing I see wrong with this is B-lo as your agent. If he has to type up a contract proposal you will be the new "Maimi Dolphags COUCH"

:lol:

.

TotoreMexico
01-03-2007, 02:07 PM
BTW guys - starting w/ you Totore - if you want on my staff, just state your desired position, and salary here!

:evil:

Thanks man!

Position: Cheerleaders supervisor:goof:

Salary: Lots of condoms...

finsrclowns
01-03-2007, 02:22 PM
-I would work for only $500,000 per year.
I don't think they want their floors THAT clean.:lol:

-I've watched what seems like a million games in my life and I think I know a thing or two about football."You think you know, but you don't know and you never will." - Jim Mora

-I would bring with me a bang-up staff Just what the fins need- MORE fudge packers lining the hallways.:lol:

like2god will be my offensive coordinator.
She's offensive alright.:lol:

For the same money, you'll get opie as my defensive coordinator. The only thing she knows about defense is putting duct tape over her *** crack to keep out the other homeless people at night.:lol:

I could bring in someone like Mike Shula to coach QBs Now there's an idea.:lol:

-Dan Marino will serve as the General Manager. I've always wanted to meet that guy! Better make it morning one before he quits.:lol:

-Whenever a difficult decision was upon us, I would happily consult FinHeaven for advice. Well, the depths anyways!
Sounds like a plan. I've got plenty of great ideas to help.:lol:

Now, I'll have to consult w/ my wife about the extra hours - travel back/fourth to Miami, etc. - so act quickly OK!
Why not move down to Miami? You and your "wife" can find a nice street corner there in no time.:lol:


Thanks H.Wayne. I look forward to working with you in the future to - once again - bring the Miami Dolphins back to greatness!
You've got my vote.:lol:

like2god
01-03-2007, 02:32 PM
I don't think they want their floors THAT clean.:lol:
"You think you know, but you don't know and you never will." - Jim Mora
Just what the fins need- MORE fudge packers lining the hallways.:lol:

She's offensive alright.:lol:
The only thing she knows about defense is putting duct tape over her *** crack to keep out the other homeless people at night.:lol:
Now there's an idea.:lol:
Better make it morning one before he quits.:lol:

Sounds like a plan. I've got plenty of great ideas to help.:lol:

Why not move down to Miami? You and your "wife" can find a nice street corner there in no time.:lol:


You've got my vote.:lol:

You're such a dick. :lol:

DolfanTom
01-03-2007, 02:37 PM
I don't think they want their floors THAT clean.:lol:
"You think you know, but you don't know and you never will." - Jim Mora
Just what the fins need- MORE fudge packers lining the hallways.:lol:

She's offensive alright.:lol:
The only thing she knows about defense is putting duct tape over her *** crack to keep out the other homeless people at night.:lol:
Now there's an idea.:lol:
Better make it morning one before he quits.:lol:

Sounds like a plan. I've got plenty of great ideas to help.:lol:

Why not move down to Miami? You and your "wife" can find a nice street corner there in no time.:lol:


You've got my vote.:lol:
Dr. Mr. finsrclowns:

Due to your recent actions, and inability to stay off your knees in the locker room (especially when Tom Brady and the Patriots are in town), I'm going to have to let you go. I'm sorry that it had to end this way, but you can no longer be part of this fine organization's staff.

I wish you the worst of luck in your future endevours!

Sincerley Yours!
-DolfanTom
Head Coach, Miami Dolphins

finsrclowns
01-03-2007, 02:45 PM
I'm sorry that it had to end this way, but you can no longer be part of this fine organization's staff.


No problem- consider me an unpaid consultant.:lol:

like2god
01-03-2007, 02:46 PM
Dr. Mr. finsrclowns:

Due to your recent actions, and inability to stay off your knees in the locker room (especially when Tom Brady and the Patriots are in town), I'm going to have to let you go. I'm sorry that it had to end this way, but you can no longer be part of this fine organization's staff.

I wish you the worst of luck in your future endevours!

Sincerley Yours!
-DolfanTom
Head Coach, Miami Dolphins
:lol:

Before you leave, make sure to refill the soap dispenser. I hate it when people don't wash their hands after using the bathroom. :lol:

finsrclowns
01-03-2007, 02:53 PM
:lol:

Before you leave, make sure to refill the soap dispenser. I hate it when people don't wash their hands after using the bathroom. :lol:

Seinfeld fan?:lol:

like2god
01-03-2007, 02:58 PM
Seinfeld fan?:lol:

:lol:

No SuperBowl for you!!! :lol:

finsrclowns
01-03-2007, 02:59 PM
:lol:

No SuperBowl for you!!! :lol:

:lol: Nor for you!

DolfanTom
01-03-2007, 03:18 PM
Hey 'Clowns. After some consideration, I added you back to the staff, with a new role. See above!

like2god
01-03-2007, 03:27 PM
Hey 'Clowns. After some consideration, I added you back to the staff, with a new role. See above!
Does that include Monday night games?

I don't think it would be a good idea to have him wandering around the parking lot randomly trying car door handles. :lol:

.

icephinfan
01-03-2007, 03:35 PM
Special Teams Coach....."cough cough"

Bringing the Pain on ST.:evil:

FinaciousOne
01-03-2007, 07:05 PM
If you have a position in public relations available, I nominate Fiinsrclowns.
He's been having public relations for years with his homeless boyfriend.

DolfanTom
01-03-2007, 07:08 PM
If you have a position in public relations available, I nominate Fiinsrclowns.
He's been having public relations for years with his homeless boyfriend.
Thanks for the suggestion, but I think BZ is going to take that PR job. I did give Finsrclowns a task - check out my first post again.

You interested in a role? Cheerleader services come free w/ any Dolphins job w/ me in charge.

I can't wait to shock the world when I'm named coach. Just saw Mort on ESPN, and they didn't even mention me as a candidate!! Man, will everyone be surprised!

FinaciousOne
01-03-2007, 07:24 PM
Thanks for the suggestion, but I think BZ is going to take that PR job. I did give Finsrclowns a task - check out my first post again.

You interested in a role? Cheerleader services come free w/ any Dolphins job w/ me in charge.

I can't wait to shock the world when I'm named coach. Just saw Mort on ESPN, and they didn't even mention me as a candidate!! Man, will everyone be surprised!

I saw that but I figured finsrc had so much experience having relations in public he might at least want to show BZ the ropes..........chains and handcuffs.

As far as a position for me I'll lend a hand (and any oher body part required) in that cheerleader relations, exploration, recruiting dept.:dolphins:

Go DOLPHINS!
(just to be clear, by GO Dolphins I don't mean to literally go like saban did. Maybe Saban heard some fans screaming "GO SABAN" and he took it wrong)

DolfanTom
01-04-2007, 09:53 AM
I saw that but I figured finsrc had so much experience having relations in public he might at least want to show BZ the ropes..........chains and handcuffs.

As far as a position for me I'll lend a hand (and any oher body part required) in that cheerleader relations, exploration, recruiting dept.:dolphins:

Go DOLPHINS!
(just to be clear, by GO Dolphins I don't mean to literally go like saban did. Maybe Saban heard some fans screaming "GO SABAN" and he took it wrong)You're hired! Check out your salary :lol:

'Clowns could be Director of Toilet Relations or something.

icephinfan
01-05-2007, 06:29 PM
We need to keep this going.:cooldude:

Kinzua
01-05-2007, 09:09 PM
Dear H. Wayne,

I'm writing in support of Mr. Dolfan Tom for the Carp -- um, I mean -- Fins' next head coach. A man of real integrity is Dolfan Tom, which will be a breath of fresh air in the Miami organization after the dishonesty of the previous head coach who shall remain nameless! He really honors his deals, as you can see from his avatar, which he is doomed to sport for a while yet because he lost a bet with a Bills fan! :yes:

Mr Dolfan Tom is also from a beautiful city in one of the most beautiful areas of the country: Saratoga Springs, NY. Maybe you've visited there? Every August all the "horsey people" in the East migrate there for the races and polo and for Mary Lou Whitney's ball. (I think I can get you an invite if you like -- my second cousin's son-in-law's sister's boyfriend is Mary Lou's chauffeur's next door neighbor!) Anyways, being a Fin fan living in the heart of Giants and Jets territory and sandwiched between Bills Country and Patriot Nation again proves DT's loyalty to the aqua and orange!

Finally, Mr Dolfan Tom has a beautiful young daughter that he needs to provide for, so he would never do something stupid like embarrassing you by playing :liar:when asked if he was considering another job. He'll come right out and say he's history!

As for his ragtag crew of hangers-on whom he wants to bring into the organization, they aren't nearly as motley as they look, and, even though most of them need some serious lessons in good hygiene, no, that's not them you're smelling in the HC's office -- that's left over from the Stinky Pile of Doggie-Doo who took the midnight train to Tuscaloosa the other day. I have no doubt that the cheerleaders will :whip2: them into shape faster than Mr. Dolfan Tom can clear the stench out of the Head Coach's office.

Your truly,
Ms Kinzua

ps, Mr. H. Wayne, do you think that maybe the Carp -- um, I mean, the Fins -- might be due for a revamping of their unis? Aqua and orange is sooooo Tom Brady! :shakeno:

like2god
01-05-2007, 09:19 PM
Dear H. Wayne,

I'm writing in support of Mr. Dolfan Tom for the Carp -- um, I mean -- Fins' next head coach. A man of real integrity is Dolfan Tom, which will be a breath of fresh air in the Miami organization after the dishonesty of the previous head coach who shall remain nameless! He really honors his deals, as you can see from his avatar, which he is doomed to sport for a while yet because he lost a bet with a Bills fan! :yes:

Mr Dolfan Tom is also from a beautiful city in one of the most beautiful areas of the country: Saratoga Springs, NY. Maybe you've visited there? Every August all the "horsey people" in the East migrate there for the races and polo and for Mary Lou Whitney's ball. (I think I can get you an invite if you like -- my second cousin's son-in-law's sister's boyfriend is Mary Lou's chauffeur's next door neighbor!) Anyways, being a Fin fan living in the heart of Giants and Jets territory and sandwiched between Bills Country and Patriot Nation again proves DT's loyalty to the aqua and orange!

Finally, Mr Dolfan Tom has a beautiful young daughter that he needs to provide for, so he would never do something stupid like embarrassing you by playing :liar:when asked if he was considering another job. He'll come right out and say he's history!

As for his ragtag crew of hangers-on whom he wants to bring into the organization, they aren't nearly as motley as they look, and, even though most of them need some serious lessons in good hygiene, no, that's not them you're smelling in the HC's office -- that's left over from the Stinky Pile of Doggie-Doo who took the midnight train to Tuscaloosa the other day. I have no doubt that the cheerleaders will :whip2: them into shape faster than Mr. Dolfan Tom can clear the stench out of the Head Coach's office.

Your truly,
Ms Kinzua

ps, Mr. H. Wayne, do you think that maybe the Carp -- um, I mean, the Fins -- might be due for a revamping of their unis? Aqua and orange is sooooo Tom Brady! :shakeno:

:lol:

My hygiene isn't that bad. :lol:

.

DolfanTom
01-06-2007, 09:35 AM
Dear H. Wayne,

I'm writing in support of Mr. Dolfan Tom for the Carp -- um, I mean -- Fins' next head coach. A man of real integrity is Dolfan Tom, which will be a breath of fresh air in the Miami organization after the dishonesty of the previous head coach who shall remain nameless! He really honors his deals, as you can see from his avatar, which he is doomed to sport for a while yet because he lost a bet with a Bills fan! :yes:

Mr Dolfan Tom is also from a beautiful city in one of the most beautiful areas of the country: Saratoga Springs, NY. Maybe you've visited there? Every August all the "horsey people" in the East migrate there for the races and polo and for Mary Lou Whitney's ball. (I think I can get you an invite if you like -- my second cousin's son-in-law's sister's boyfriend is Mary Lou's chauffeur's next door neighbor!) Anyways, being a Fin fan living in the heart of Giants and Jets territory and sandwiched between Bills Country and Patriot Nation again proves DT's loyalty to the aqua and orange!

Finally, Mr Dolfan Tom has a beautiful young daughter that he needs to provide for, so he would never do something stupid like embarrassing you by playing :liar:when asked if he was considering another job. He'll come right out and say he's history!

As for his ragtag crew of hangers-on whom he wants to bring into the organization, they aren't nearly as motley as they look, and, even though most of them need some serious lessons in good hygiene, no, that's not them you're smelling in the HC's office -- that's left over from the Stinky Pile of Doggie-Doo who took the midnight train to Tuscaloosa the other day. I have no doubt that the cheerleaders will :whip2: them into shape faster than Mr. Dolfan Tom can clear the stench out of the Head Coach's office.

Your truly,
Ms Kinzua

ps, Mr. H. Wayne, do you think that maybe the Carp -- um, I mean, the Fins -- might be due for a revamping of their unis? Aqua and orange is sooooo Tom Brady! :shakeno:Thanks Kinz. H.W. can't help but hire me now!

And my staff will adhere to a dress code! No more sitting by computers in your underwear guys!!!

The poor media, though. Right now they're focusing on "candidates" like Ken Wisenut, Jim Mora, Cam Cameron, etc. Man will they be shocked when I come out for my press conference!

Kinzua
01-06-2007, 02:31 PM
Thanks Kinz. H.W. can't help but hire me now!

And my staff will adhere to a dress code! No more sitting by computers in your underwear guys!!!

The poor media, though. Right now they're focusing on "candidates" like Ken Wisenut, Jim Mora, Cam Cameron, etc. Man will they be shocked when I come out for my press conference!

Just doin' my part to help out some friends in the Depths! :lol:

DolfanTom
01-08-2007, 11:21 AM
Hey everyone!

Just want to let you know that I'm still waiting for H.W. and the Dolphin-logo plane to land at Albany International Airport!!

I'm waiting .....

Kinzua
01-08-2007, 11:59 AM
Hey everyone!

Just want to let you know that I'm still waiting for H.W. and the Dolphin-logo plane to land at Albany International Airport!!

I'm waiting .....

With Petrino going to Atlanta, picking you should be a no-brainer! :hmmm:

DolfanTom
01-10-2007, 02:09 PM
With Petrino going to Atlanta, picking you should be a no-brainer! :hmmm:
Part of me knows you are going along with the gag here, but there's also part of me that thinks you would LOVE to see the Dolphins hire a fan as coach! :lol:

DolfanTom
01-10-2007, 02:14 PM
Wow, the Dolphins are interviewing Giant Tim Lewis and Jet Brian Shottenheimer! Heck, at this point, I might actually expect a call for real :wink:

Seriously, though, I like this approach! They're interviewing almost every available candidate from retreads to the youngest and most inexperienced coordinators (who show promise nonetheless).

Gruden was as green as they came when he was hired as Raiders coach! He revived that franchise, then took the Yucks to the SB title. Maybe hiring a young guy - Shottenheimer, for example, is 33 - would be the way to go.

I think w/ Carroll all but gone from the mix, this could get really exciting. For once, I'm glad to see this team taking its due dilligence when hiring a coach! Firing from the seat of his pants the last three times hasn't served H.W. well at all, even if the decisions seemed to make perfect sense at the time!!

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three or four times, then I must be an idiot!! Let's hope H.W. won't be fooled this time!!

Kinzua
01-10-2007, 02:28 PM
Part of me knows you are going along with the gag here, but there's also part of me that thinks you would LOVE to see the Dolphins hire a fan as coach! :lol:

Truly, I am NOT trolling. This is about the funniest thread anywhere in a long time, and I just wanted to keep it going! It beats "bump". :lol:

Colorado Dolfan
01-10-2007, 03:11 PM
Hey 'Clowns. After some consideration, I added you back to the staff, with a new role. See above!

Awww, 'Clowns really wanted the job making tight ends into wide receivers... :barf:

like2god
01-10-2007, 03:22 PM
Awww, 'Clowns really wanted the job making tight ends into wide receivers... :barf:

I think he just wanted to get paid for it for a change. :lol:

finsrclowns
01-10-2007, 03:33 PM
'Clowns could be Director of Toilet Relations or something.

Director? So I'd be your boss?:lol:

DolfanTom
01-10-2007, 05:44 PM
Director? So I'd be your boss?:lol:Dude, I'm head coach.

But nice try ...

finsrclowns
01-10-2007, 06:19 PM
Dude, I'm head coach.

But nice try ...


You coach head? I'd say you're qualified.:lol:

PatriotReign
01-10-2007, 11:03 PM
Dude, I'm head coach.

But nice try ...


You should also try out for the QB spot...you'd probably give Cleo the Lemon some tough competetion...:sidelol:

DolfanTom
01-11-2007, 10:47 AM
You should also try out for the QB spot...you'd probably give Cleo the Lemon some tough competetion...:sidelol:Phuck you!!!

But ... I will give you this. I was at the Buffalo game where Joey had a "00" rating, throwing for 20 yards. I swear I could have thrown for 50 yards that day at least the way I was chuckin' em in the parking lot! :lol:

DolfanTom
01-11-2007, 10:48 AM
You coach head? I'd say you're qualified.:lol:
More so than Wanny or Mularky!

retired opfinistic
01-11-2007, 11:23 AM
:) My first time reading this thread!

retired opfinistic
01-11-2007, 11:25 AM
http://www.finheaven.com/images/imported/2007/01/w_belichick_195-1.jpg

"I love fisting Brady"

DolfanTom
01-11-2007, 11:49 AM
http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a379/BrickCop/w_belichick_195.jpg

"I love fisting Brady"
Yeah, from what I heard, they had a pretty nice session the night before we played them back on 12/10. Brady was so sore, he played one of the worst games of his career.

retired opfinistic
01-11-2007, 12:03 PM
Yeah, from what I heard, they had a pretty nice session the night before we played them back on 12/10. Brady was so sore, he played one of the worst games of his career.
those rings were hard on the t'aint!:lol: :barf:

finsrclowns
01-11-2007, 03:21 PM
I was at the Buffalo game where Joey had a "00" rating, throwing for 20 yards.

:sidelol:

DolfanTom
01-17-2007, 01:25 PM
Now that B-Shott is out of the picture, I am looking to take his place!!

I have very similar qualifications to his!! We are both 33!!!

finsrclowns
01-17-2007, 01:59 PM
Now that B-Shott is out of the picture, I am looking to take his place!!

I have very similar qualifications to his!! We are both 33!!!

It's a pity I must say. It would have been fun having a fins coach called called "Be Shot".
:lol:

DolfanTom
01-17-2007, 02:01 PM
It's a pity I must say. It would have been fun having a fins coach called called "Be Shot".
:lol:
Much better than just plain "Dick" I suppose.

finsrclowns
01-17-2007, 02:03 PM
Much better than just plain "Dick" I suppose.

Really? I was quite sure you loved Dick.:lol:

DolfanTom
01-17-2007, 02:12 PM
Really? I was quite sure you loved Dick.:lol:Yep, Dick Clark!!

He's the man, all that New Years Rockn' Eve stuff he does!!

Capt. Dick
01-17-2007, 02:19 PM
Much better than just plain "Dick" I suppose.


I resemble that remark.:mad: :lol:

DolfanTom
01-17-2007, 02:23 PM
I resemble that remark.:mad: :lol:You're not "plain" Dick, you're the Captain!!!

finsrclowns
01-17-2007, 02:27 PM
Yep, Dick Clark!!

He's the man, all that New Years Rockn' Eve stuff he does!!

So you're into older men? Hope your helath plan covers viagra.:lol:

DolfanTom
01-17-2007, 02:35 PM
So you're into older men? Hope your helath plan covers viagra.:lol:Speaking of older men, how is Marv Levy doing these days? Have you been keeping up on your weekly oil rubdowns together?

retired opfinistic
01-17-2007, 05:49 PM
Much better than just plain "Dick" I suppose.
Fins loves plain Dick, but I heard he likes the chocolate variety more.

finsrclowns
01-18-2007, 12:11 AM
Fins loves plain Dick

Tough to argue that one.:lol: