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View Full Version : United Nations Pledges $1.2 Billion In Indigestion Relief For U.S.



BAMAPHIN 22
01-29-2007, 12:31 AM
In what has been called the largest gastrointestinal rescue effort in history, the United Nations allocated $1.2 billion in antacid relief yesterday for the indigestion-wracked nation of America.



"There is great suffering in America, where every day people face the terrible pain of stomach upset, heartburn, and problem gas," a statement released by the General Assembly read. "Most members of the global community, who do not have to live with the constant threat of massive overeating as Americans do, cannot even imagine what it is like. We can turn a blind eye no longer."


Dubbed "Operation Soothe and Coat," the massive C-130 airlift is expected to provide millions of American indigestion sufferers with cartons of precious, life-giving antacids by week's end. Much of the $1.2 billion will also go toward emergency helicopter and truck mobilization, distributing alkalides to a network of temporary stomach trouble "crisis centers" set up across the American countryside.

"Help is on the way," said Colonel Obiabwe Buna*!dab, wing commander of the Kenyan delegation to the international airlift operation. He said that although he had never been to America, he had seen much U.S. television and understood how much pain indigestion was causing the nation. "All men are brothers," Buna*!dab added.

U.N. officials say the decision is a response to a recent study ranking the U.S. first in bloating and excess gas build-up, and fourth and second, respectively, in lower abdominal pain and diarrhea.



"Statistics show many Americans 'pay for it later' after a hot, spicy meal. It is shameful that in this day and age the Americans must go without the gas-absorbing medications they need," one volunteer remarked. "We just want to do whatever we can to help them get better—one fizzy little pellet at a time." :lol:



http://www.netscape.com/viewstory/2007/01/28/united-nations-pledges-12-billion-in-indigestion-relief-for-us/?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.theonion.com%2Fcontent%2Fnode%2F30204&frame=true