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Celtkin
02-03-2007, 10:04 PM
LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

________________________________________________________________________
FAMILY

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

________________________________________________________________________


"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing! loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
_______________________________________________________________________

LITTLE LADY:

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

_______________________________________________________________________

OLD FRIENDS:

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

_______________________________________________________________________

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

_______________________________________________________________________

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"

Celtkin
02-03-2007, 10:14 PM
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Imagine that!


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really?


Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!


Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Whaaat??

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!


Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!


War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
You think?!


Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!


Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?


Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge



New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!


Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!



Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Taste like chicken?



Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!


And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

jason8er
02-03-2007, 10:38 PM
I wish I had the picture, but I can remember a sign hanging on the front door of Planned Parenthood that read, "Use rear entrance".

FINintheMOON
02-04-2007, 11:22 AM
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused,the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out..........


"Holy Crap ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"

finswin56
02-16-2007, 04:49 PM
Lesson 1
-----------
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is
finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly
wraps
herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she
opens the door, there
stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says
a
word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that
towel." After thinking
for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands
naked in front of
Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and
leaves. The woman wraps
back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,
"Who was that?" "It was
Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!"
the husband says,
"did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical
information pertaining to
credit and risk with your shareholders, in time you
may be in a
position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2
-----------
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and
crossed her legs, forcing
her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an
accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his
hand up her leg. The
nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest
removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her
leg again. The nun
once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is
weak." Arriving at
the convent, the nun went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to
look up Psalm 129. It
said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find
glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in
your job, you might
miss a great opportunity!

Lesson 3
------------
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the
manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub
it and a Genie comes
out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just
one wish."

Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want
to be in the Bahamas,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Puff! She's gone.

Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be
in Hawaii, relaxing
on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless
supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The
manager says, "I
want those two slackers back in the office after
lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the
first say!

Lesson 4
-----------
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing
nothing. A small rabbit
saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like
you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit
sat on the ground
below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox
appeared, jumped on
the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing,
you must be sitting
very, very high up.

Lesson 5
-------------
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to
be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I
haven't got the
energy." Well, why don't you nibble on some of my
droppings?" replied
the bull. They're packed with nutrients." The turkey
pecked at a lump of
dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength
to reach the lowest
branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he
reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly
perched at the top
of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer;
who then
shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bull**** might get you to the
top, but it won't keep
you there!

Lesson 6
------------
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It
was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying
there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird
lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there
all warm and happy,
and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard
the bird singing and
came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird
under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who ****s on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your
friend.
(3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

MarinoEqualsGod
02-16-2007, 05:11 PM
I wish I had the picture, but I can remember a sign hanging on the front door of Planned Parenthood that read, "Use rear entrance".

http://accordionguy.blogware.com/Photos/2006/10/family-planning-advice.jpg

Metal Panda
02-16-2007, 11:56 PM
not really a joke but a true story of an idiot who wasn't even elderly but trumps those ****ers...

This drunk guy walked into Best Buy where I worked....he had "just heard a song on the radio", a "new hit", and he had to get the cd with the song on it. He called it something like "Better Get back", and my manager couldn't find it anywhere in the system, but the dude insisted "nah man, it's a top seller, top seller on the radio"...

The manager found out the guy was talking about "Baby Got Back", which was a top seller...in the 90s...and then as he was leaving, one of the other coworkers asked why he was buying another copy of that Sir Mix A Lot album. Apparently he had bought one a day earlier.

So they theorized that he bought the cd, heard it in his cd player the next day, thought it was the radio, and bought it again not knowing he had already bought it.