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Jaydog57
01-09-2002, 10:58 PM
Got a joke? Post it here! Here's one to start. By the way, if anybody gets offended, PM me and I'll see what I can do.:D


THE HORSE & THE CHICKEN

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse
falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found.
So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.

He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the
horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the
meadow again and the chicken falls into the mud hole. The chicken yells to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse says, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he
stretches over the width of the hole and says, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up."

And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you
don't need a Mercedes to pick up a chick.



:goof:

Jaydog57
01-10-2002, 03:01 AM
>Ole and Sven were playing golf when Sven pulled out a cigar but didn't
>have a
>lighter so he asked Ole for a light.
>
>"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied and reached into his
>golf
>bag and pulled out a 12-inch BIC lighter.
>
>"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, "Vhere did yew get dat monster??"
>
>"Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie."
>
>"Yew haff a genie?" Sven asked.
>
>"Ya, shure, he's right here in my golf bag," said Ole.
>
>"Could I see him?"
>
>Ole opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.
>
>Then Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill
you
>grant
>me vun vish?"
>
>"Yes I will", the genie said so Sven asks him for a million bucks and
the
>
>genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there
waiting
>for
>his million bucks.
>
>Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks
flying
>
>overhead is heard.
>
>Sven yells to Ole, "I asked for a million Bucks, not Ducks!"
>
>Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing.
>
>Do yew really tink I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?



:goof:

miadphan13
01-10-2002, 01:36 PM
Both were excellent :lol: :lol: :lol:

dolphan39
01-10-2002, 01:59 PM
more please :D :lol:

Jaydog57
01-10-2002, 10:51 PM
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.:cool:




Why are married women fatter than single women?

Because single women open their fridge, see what they have, and go to bed. Married women see what they have in bed and then go to the fridge.:cool:



Chinese Proverb: Man who walks through airport turnstyle sideways is going to Bangkok.:cool:



Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench talking when a flasher appeared. He stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. Well, the first old lady had a stroke. Then the second old lady had a stroke. The third old lady had arthritis and couldn't reach that far.:cool:

Jaydog57
01-23-2002, 12:59 AM
An older couple was playing in their country club's annual golf championship. On the playoff hole the wife had to make a 6-inch putt to win. She took her stance, putted, and missed. On the way home in the car, her husband was fuming. "I can't believe you missed that putt! It was no longer than my willy." "Yes dear," she said sweetly, "but it was much harder!":cool:




The judge fined a motorist $95.00 for speeding, and gave him a receipt. "What am I supposed to do with this, frame it?" snapped the driver. "No, save it," replied the judge. "When you have three, you get a bicycle."



"I'd like a pair of size 8 shoes" the guy told the salesman. "But sir, I can see from here you're at least a size 11," replied the salesman. "Just bring me size 8's", says the guy.
The salesman brought the shoes. The guy stuffed his feet into them, then stood up in obvious pain. "I've lost my business and my house,"he explained, "my wife is screwing my best friend, my daughter is pregnant, and my son is gay. The only pleasure I have in life," he sighed, "is taking off these fu(king shoes.":cool:


A woman walked into a sporting goods store and asked the salesman if he could help her pick out a rifle. "It's for my husband," she explained.
"Did he tell you what caliber to get?" the clerk asked.
"Are you kidding?" she says, "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him." :cool:

Dolfan984
01-23-2002, 01:14 AM
Girls' English

"Yes"= No
"No"= Yes
"Maybe"= No

"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now

"Do what u want"= You'll pay for this later

"We need to talk"= I need to bitch

"Sure.....go ahead"= I don't want u to

"I'm not upset"= Of course I'm upset, u stupid moron!

"How much do u love me?"= I did something today you're not going to like me
for.

"Is my butt fat?"= Tell me I'm beautiful

"You have to learn to communicate"= Just agree with me.

"Are u listening to me?"= Too late, you're dead.

Guys' English

"I'm hungry"= I'm hungry

"I'm sleepy"= I'm sleepy

"I'm tired"= I'm tired

"Do u want to go to a movie?"= I'd eventually like to have sex with u.

"Can I take you out to dinner?"= I'd eventually like to have sex with u.

"Can I call u sometime?"= I'd eventually like to have sex with u.

"May I have this dance?"= I'd eventually like to have sex with u.


"Nice dress!"= Nice cleavage!

"U look tense, let me give u a massage"= I want to fondle u

"What's wrong?"= What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are u
going through right now?

"What's wrong?"= I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

"I'm bored"= Do u want to have sex?

"I Love u"= Lets have sex right now.

"I love u too"= Okay, I said it.... we'd better have sex now!

"Let's talk"= I am trying to impress u by showing that I am a deep person and
maybe then you'd liked to have sex with me.

"Will u marry me?"= I want to make it illegal for u to have sex with other
guys.

(Was a copy and paste job)

Jaydog57
01-23-2002, 01:16 AM
-


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?

A: Because she got an F in sex.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?

A: Humpme Dumpme.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why are there lipstick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?

A: Because she blows the horn.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?

A: Because everybody gets a turn.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?

A: Because she's been laid all over the country.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?

A: She kept having affairs with men.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?

A: She picks up her purse and goes home.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?

A: Grade 4.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?

A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?

A: They both drip when they're ****ed.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How would a blonde punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"

A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?

A: Locking the car door.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?

A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?

A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?

A: A 69 interrupted by a period.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a blonde having her period and a terrorist?

A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?

A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period?

A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"?

A: She liked to be filled with cream.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?

A: One's a bunch a cunning runts.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet?

A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?

A: In the morning a rooster says, "****'ll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-****'ll-doooo."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde?

A: The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?"

The nympho says, "Are you done already?"

The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?

A: By the buckle print on her forehead. 40


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?

A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?

A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.


:cool:

Jaydog57
01-23-2002, 01:26 AM
that was funny man.:lol: good stuff. here's one more for the road....
One day a husband and wife were in the bathroom,The wife was getting out of the shower and the husband grabs her boobs and says "If these were firmer you wouldn't need a bra."
The wife was repulsed by his behavior and ignores him.

The next week the teo are again in the bathroom and while the wife was getting out of the shower he grabs her ass and says "If your ass was firmer you wouldn't need a girdle."

The wife is now pissed and is ploting her revenge.

One day a week later the husband is getting out of the shower and the wife grabs his dick and says "If this was a little bit bigger I wouldn't need your brother."





:cool:

Dolfan984
01-23-2002, 01:26 AM
There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"

"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $1,500.00."

"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "

"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $60,000 ... "

"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "

"What?"

"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and ... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... "

"How much are they asking?"

"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"

"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

"Bye ... I do too ... "

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand and asks all those present,

"Okay... who's phone is this?"

Dolfan984
01-23-2002, 01:42 AM
Good ones Jay.

Q: How can you tell a blonde has a blonde boyfriend?

A: Her belly button is bruised.

miadphan13
01-23-2002, 01:45 AM
:lol: :lol: :lol: You guys are TOO funny!

dolfan06
01-24-2002, 11:38 PM
thats not right! the definition of a perfect woman is:

one thats 3 foot tall, with a flat head, so you can have some place to set your beer!

OR

one that can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch!

OR

one that can suck a quarter through a straw!

dolfan06
01-24-2002, 11:40 PM
a hooker with a runny nose?

FULL!

dolfan06
01-24-2002, 11:42 PM
for gays to get insurance?

they're always getting rear-ended!

dolfan06
01-24-2002, 11:43 PM
to get 4 fags on one barstool?

Turn it upsidedown!

dolfan06
01-24-2002, 11:45 PM
come-on in a gay bar is?

may i push in your stool!

dolfan06
01-24-2002, 11:48 PM
does it take to make chocolate-chip ice cream?

3, one to stir and 2 to peel the M&M's!

dolfan06
01-24-2002, 11:56 PM
hoop ear rings?

so she has some place to put her ankles!

dolfan06
01-24-2002, 11:57 PM
she has a kick-starter on her vibrator!

dolfan06
01-24-2002, 11:59 PM
put behind her ears to look more attractive to a man?

HER ANKLES!

Jaydog57
01-25-2002, 12:45 AM
> The George Carlin Theory:
>
> The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is
> tough.
> It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it?
>
> Death! What's that, a bonus?
>
> I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get
it out
> of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out
when
> you're too young , you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work
forty
> years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do
drugs,
> alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade
> school,
> you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become
a
> little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine
months
> floating....
>
> .....and you finish off as an orgasm.

:cool:

Jaydog57
01-25-2002, 12:51 AM
Top 18 ways to annoy people
> > **********************************************
> >
> > 1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 150%,
> > dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
> >
> > 2. In the memo field of all of your checks, write
> > "for sensual massage".
> >
> > 3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
> >
> > 4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running
> > in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".
> >
> > 5. Reply to everything someone says with "that's
> > what YOU think".
> >
> > 6. Practice making fax and modem noises.
> >
> > 7. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific
> > papers and "cc" them to your boss.
> >
> > 8. Finish all your sentences with the words "in
> > accordance with prophecy".
> >
> > 9. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping
> > your hands over your ears.
> >
> > 10. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the
> > people are green and insist to others that you
> > "like it that way".
> >
> > 11. Repeat the following conversation a dozen
> > times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind,
> > it's gone now."
> >
> > 12. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
> >
> > 13. Ask people what gender they are.
> >
> > 14. While making presentations, occasionally bob
> > your head like a parakeet.
> >
> > 15. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer
> > at passing cars to see if they slow down.
> >
> > 16. Sing along at the opera.
> >
> > 17. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem
> > doesn't rhyme.
> >
> > 18. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and
> > then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter
> > something about "psychological profiles".
> >
:goof:

dolfan06
01-25-2002, 01:21 AM
with her hair dyed black?

artificial intelligence!

dolfan06
01-25-2002, 01:47 AM
to make a hormone?

don't pay her!

dolfan06
01-26-2002, 01:51 AM
what sugarcane is going to say when she reads all the blonde jokes!:(

Jaydog57
01-26-2002, 02:02 AM
Those jokes are a trip, but you'd probably save a ton of posts if you put em all in one post. Keep em comin though, all contributions are appreciated.:D

dolfan06
01-26-2002, 02:47 AM
and comes in quarts?

ELEPHANTS!:rolleyes:



whats green and red and goes 80 mph?

A FROG IN A BLENDER!:D

dolfan06
01-26-2002, 02:53 AM
smelled moth balls?

WHO HELD HIS WINGS?

dolfan06
01-26-2002, 03:04 AM
says, drinks on the house for everybody, except that queer at the end of the bar!
half hour later, same thing, drinks on the house for everybody except that queer at the end of the bar!
this went on for hours and the guy at the end of the bar ordered a glass of ice from the bartender and when he got it, dumped the whole glass in his mouth..............
the bartender says "what in the hell are you doing?"
the guy says, "one more insulting remark from that dude and i'm gonna go down there AND "COLD-****" that SOB!":lol:

Jaydog57
01-26-2002, 03:18 AM
Originally posted by dolfan06
what sugarcane is going to say when she reads all the blonde jokes!:( Sugarcane is too cool I think she can take it, and possibly leave a very good comeback! She's good at that.:cool:

dolfan06
01-26-2002, 12:05 PM
Originally posted by Jaydog57
Sugarcane is too cool I think she can take it, and possibly leave a very good comeback! She's good at that.:cool: sugar just made a comment to 13 about the blonde jokes and at that time there wasn't any!:D

Jaydog57
01-27-2002, 09:24 PM
> >> WHAT HALLMARK DOESN'T PRINT
> >> > >
> >> > > 1. So your daughter's a hooker,
> >> > > and it spoiled your day.
> >> > > Look at the bright side,
> >> > > it's really good pay.
> >> > >
> >> > > 2. My tire was thumping.
> >> > > I thought it was flat.
> >> > > When I looked at the tire.
> >> > > I noticed your cat.
> >> > > Sorry!
> >> > >
> >> > > 3. You had your bladder removed
> >> > > and you're on the mend.
> >> > > Here's a bouquet of flowers
> >> > > and a box of Depends.
> >> > >
> >> > > 4. Happy Vasectomy!
> >> > > Hope you feel zippy!
> >> > > Cause when I had mine
> >> > > I got really snippy.
> >> > >
> >> > > 5. Heard your wife left you.
> >> > > How upset you must be.
> >> > > But don't fret about it.
> >> > > She moved in with me.
> >> > >
> >> > > 6. You totaled your car.
> >> > > And can't remember why.
> >> > > Could it have been
> >> > > That whole case of Bud Dry?
> >> > >
> >> > >
> >> > > SOME MORE CARDS YOU WILL NEVER SEE
> >> > > AT YOUR HALLMARK GOLD CROWN STORE
> >> > >
> >> > > "Looking back over the years that we've been together,
> >> > > I can't help but wonder, 'What the Hell was I thinking?'"
> >> > >
> >> > > "Congratulations on your wedding day!
> >> > > Too bad no one likes your wife."
> >> > >
> >> > > "How could two people as beautiful as
> >> > > you have such an ugly baby?"
> >> > >
> >> > > "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
> >> > > After having met you, I've changed my mind."
> >> > >
> >> > > "I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
> >> > > I never believed in Hell until I met you."
> >> > >
> >> > > "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am.
> >> > > You're not here to ruin it for me."
> >> > >
> >> > > "Thanks for being a part of my life!
> >> > > I never knew what evil was before this!"
> >> > >
> >> > > "Congratulations on your promotion.
> >> > > Before you go, would you like to
> >> > > take this knife out of my back.
> >> > > You'll probably need it again."
> >> > >
> >> > > "Happy Birthday!
> >> > > You look great for your age!
> >> > > Almost lifelike!"
> >> > >
> >> > > "When we were together,
> >> > > you always said you'd die for me.
> >> > > Now that we've broken up,
> >> > > I think it's time you kept your promise."
> >> > >
> >> > > "We have been friends for a very long time.
> >> > > What say we call it quits?"
> >> > >
> >> > > "I'm so miserable without you.
> >> > > It's almost like you're here."
> >> > >
> >> > > "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
> >> > > Did you ever find out who the father was?"
> >> > >
> >> > > "You are such a good friend that
> >> > > if we were on a sinking ship,
> >> > > and there was only one life jacket,
> >> > > I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
> >> > >
> >> > > "Your friends and I wanted to do something special
> >> > > for your birthday -- so we're having you put to sleep."
> >> > >
> >> > > "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!"
> >> > > (This is available only in Kentucky)



:cool:

Jaydog57
01-28-2002, 01:01 AM
> > Mahatma Gandhi, as you may know, walked barefoot
> > > most of the time, which
> > > >produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
> > > He also ate very
> > > >little, which made him rather frail, and with his
> > > odd diet, he suffered
> > > >from bad breath.
> > > >
> > > >This made him . . . what?
> > > >
> > > > > >
> > > >(Oh, man, this is so bad it's good) . . .
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > >
> > > >A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

:cool:

Jaydog57
01-30-2002, 09:10 PM
Is a bit vulgar, but hey that's comedy!:D


> Ten Things that Piss Me Off - Adam Sandler
>
>1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.
>
>I know where my watch is buddy, where the **** is yours? Do I point at
my
>crotch
>when I ask where the bathroom is?
>
>2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no
penis.
>
>3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire
room
>for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the
>channel manually.
>
>4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it
too."
>
>**** off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat?
>
>5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look".
>
>Of course it is. Why the **** would you keep looking after you've
found it?
>Do people do this? Who and where are they?
>
>6. When people say, while watching a movie "
>
>Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theater
and
>stare at frikken ceiling up there.
>
>7. The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't
drink
>and drive. I don't".
>
>Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind
for
>God's sake!
>
>8. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"
>
>Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
>
>9. When something is "new and improved", which is it?
>
>If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an
>improvement, then there must have been something before it.
>
>10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you
were
>going?
>
>You should know asshole you ****ing pulled me over!
>



:cool:

dolfan06
01-31-2002, 01:01 AM
she had decided to have robert redford put on her left inside thigh ans paul newman on the right. after it was done she decided to ask her boyfriend for his opinion. he said that the one on the left kinda looked like robert redford and the one on the right kinda looked like paul newman, but the one in the middle, definately looks like willie nelson!:D

dolfan06
01-31-2002, 01:55 AM
with a frog on his head!

the bartender says, "what in the hell is that?"

the frog says, "hell, i don't know, it was a wart on my ass yesterday!:D

dolfan06
01-31-2002, 08:46 PM
>Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they
>had
>shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had
>been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were
>playing cards when one of them looked at the other and said, "Now, don't
>get
>mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time....but I just can't
>think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
>Please
>tell me what your name is."
>
>Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes, she just stared and
>glared at her. Finally, she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

dolfan06
01-31-2002, 08:51 PM
A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated
their 60th birthdays.

During the celebration a fairy appeared and
said that because they had been such a loving
couple all those years, she would give them
one wish each.

The wife wanted to travel around the world.
The fairy waved her wand and boom!
She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn.
He paused for a moment, then said shyly,
"Well, I'd like to have a woman 30
years younger than me."

The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90............
(Don't you love it????)

dolfan06
01-31-2002, 08:55 PM
After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his
way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George
Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped
conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the
face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end
the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry
punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I
allowed the Federal government to provide for the common
defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph
of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have
the same love for liberty and America.

As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him
up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be
judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot
destination, he screams "This is not what I was
promised!"

An angel replies "I told you there would be 72
Virginians waiting for you, Dumb Ass. What did you think
I said?"

Jaydog57
02-01-2002, 01:52 AM
Was obviously written before Steve left UF.



Coach Bobby Bowden, after living a full life, died and went to heaven. When he got to heaven,
God started showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Seminoles flag in the window.

"This house is yours for eternity, Bobby," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."
Bobby felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house.
On his way up to the porch, he noticed another house just down the road. It was a 3-story mansion
with a Orange and Blue sidewalk, 50-foot tall flagpole with an enormous GATORS logo flag. In every
window there were orange and blue helmets with "Gators" on them and in the backyard a Gator helmet golf cart.

Bowden looked at God and said, "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was a pretty good coach, always had a good squad of boys, won the conference a time or two and even won a few National Championships,"

God said, "So, what do you want to know, Bobby?"

"Well, why does Steve Spurrier get a bigger and better house than me?" God chuckled and said,
"Bobby, That's not Steve Spurriers house, It's mine.


:cool:

dolfan06
02-01-2002, 08:47 PM
> Billy Bob's Vacation
> > >
> > >
> > > >
> > > > Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when
> > > > Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout
> > > > ready for a vacation. Only this year, I'm gonna do it
> > > > a little different. The last few years, I took your
> > > > advice about where to go. Three years ago, you said
> > > > to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got
> > > > pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to
> > > > the
> > > > Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year,
> > > > you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get
> > > > pregnant again."
> > > >
> > > > Luther asked Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this
> > > > year that's different?"
> > > >
> > > > Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with
> > > > me!"
> > > >

Jaydog57
02-01-2002, 09:18 PM
A concrete-truck driver moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old
farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad
news. The donkey died."
"Well, then, just give me my money back." "Can't do that. I went and
spent it already." "OK, then. Just unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with him?"
"I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with the readi-mix driver and asked,
"What happened with that dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off. I sold 500 hundred tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."






:cool:

Dolfan984
02-01-2002, 09:45 PM
Hahahahahahahaha the Donkey joke is a good one.

Jaydog57
02-02-2002, 10:42 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Some Things You Just Can't Explain

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"

The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."

"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.

"So what happened then?" the man asked.

The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."

The man laughed and said, "Again?"

The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.

"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."

"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head.

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.

"So, what did you do?" the man asked.

"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain."

Jaydog57
02-02-2002, 10:46 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Men and Women Equations

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay 2 bucks for a 1 buck item he needs.
A woman will pay 1 buck for a 2 buck item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more cash than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

POSTULATES
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and try not to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

dolfan06
02-03-2002, 01:18 AM
a farmer was sitting on his front porch when a little boy walked by

he had his hands cupped and the farmer said, "hey johnny, whatcha got?"

i got me a horse fly and i'm takin it into town and trade it for a horse!

the farmer said, "yeah right!"

half hour later, johnny comes back from town walking a horse.

next day, the farmer sees johnny walking by with a bucket

the farmer said, "hey johnny, whatcha got?"

i got me a bull frog and i'm taking it to town to trade it for a bull

the farmer said, "yeah right!"

half hour later here comes johnny leading a bull

next day johnny walks by carrying a stick

the farmer says, "hey johnny whatcha got

i got me a nice ***** willow

The farmer jumps up and opens the screen door and yells to his wife, "martha, hold my lunch, i have to drive johnny into town!"

dolfan06
02-03-2002, 01:21 AM
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

men usually die before their wives because they want to!;)

dolfan06
02-03-2002, 11:59 AM
> A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station
> when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon
> with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly
> coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet
> and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat. The fire fighter walks
> over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the
> fire fighter says with admiration.
> "Thanks," the little boy says.
> The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the boy has tied
> the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
> "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how
> to run your firetruck, but if you were to tie that rope around the
> cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
> The little boy replied, "You're probably right, but then I
> wouldn't have a siren."

dolfan06
02-03-2002, 12:04 PM
> SOMETIMES IT DOES TAKE A ROCKET SCIENTIST:
> >
> > Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch
> > dead chickens at the windshields of airliners,
> > military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling
> > at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the
> > frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to
> > test the strength of the windshields.
> >
> > British engineers heard about the gun and were eager
> > to test it on the windshields of their new high speed
> > trains. Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to
> > the British engineers.
> >
> > When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as
> > the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into
> > the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens,
> > blasted through the control console, snapped the
> > engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the
> > back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
> >
> >
> > The horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results
> > of the experiment, along with the designs of the
> > windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for
> > suggestions.
> >
> > NASA responded with a one-line memo:
> > "Thaw the chicken."
> > >>

dolfan06
02-03-2002, 12:07 PM
Little David comes home from first grade and tells his
father that they learned about the history of
Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's day is for a Christian saint and we're
Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving
someone a valentine?"

David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't
think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a
valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," David says.

Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American
Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a
valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not
all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And
if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to
Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start
going all over the place to tell everyone how much he
loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with
new found pride. "David, that's the most wonderful thing
I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the
open, the Marines could blow the crap out of that
motherf#cker!"

MegaJetJoe
02-03-2002, 05:20 PM
Originally posted by dolfan06
thats not right! the definition of a perfect woman is:

one thats 3 foot tall, with a flat head, so you can have some place to set your beer!

OR

one that can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch!

OR

one that can suck a quarter through a straw! Or A golf ball through a garden hose!

dolfan06
02-04-2002, 12:01 AM
Originally posted by MegaJetJoe
Or A golf ball through a garden hose! i second that!:lol:

dolfan06
02-04-2002, 09:57 PM
On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You
> must go to
> the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
> under the
> sun, have calves and give milk to support the
> farmer. I will
> give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said,
> "That's a kind of a
> tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let
> me have twenty years
> and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.
>
> On the second day, God created the dog. God said,
> "Sit all day by
> the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes
> in
> or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty
> years."
> The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give
> me ten
> years and I'll give back the other ten." So God
> agreed
>
> On the third day God created the monkey. God said,
> entertain
> people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give
> you a
> twenty year life span." Monkey said, "How boring,
> monkey tricks for
> twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back
> ten, so that's what I'll do
> too, okay?" And God agreed again.
>
> On the fourth day God created humans. God said,
> "Eat, sleep,
> play, procreate, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy. I'll
> give
> you twenty years." The human said, "What? Only
> twenty years? No way.
> Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty
> cow gave back, and the ten
> dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That
> makes eighty, okay?" Okay,"
> said God. "You've got a deal."
>
> So that is why for the first twenty years we eat,
> sleep, play, enjoy, and
> do nothing; for the next Forty years we slave in the
> sun to support our
> family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks
> to entertain our
> grandchildren;
> and for the last ten years we sit in front of the
> house and bark at
> everybody.

dolfan06
02-05-2002, 10:26 AM
the devil asks why such a long face
the man answers what do you think, i'm in hell
the devil says, its not so bad down here
the devil asks, do you drink
the mananswers ,yes
the devil says, on mondays we drink so much we throw up
the devil asks, do you smoke
the man answers yes
the devil says on tuesdays we smoke cigars, pipes, cigarettes etc
the devil asks, do you like fast food
the man answers yes
the devil says on wednesday we eat hamburgers, french fries, anything
the devil asks, do you do drugs
the man answers yes
the devil says on thursdays, we use heroine, cocaine, marajuana just everything
the devil asks, are you gay
the man answers no
the devil says, ooh, you're gonna hate FRIDAYS!

dolfan06
02-05-2002, 12:18 PM
:D
The FAA is likely to unleash a firestorm of criticism early next week
when it issues a directive to airlines calling for a "close hands-on
inspection" of all women with large breasts checking in for flights.

The agency considered this step for the past month because large amounts
of C-4 explosive can be concealed in a inside a brassiere. After the
incident last month when a terrorist concealed explosives inside his
shoes the FAA decided it had no choice but to implement this new policy.

Tests have shown a 42D bra can easily contain sufficient explosives to
fatally damage a 747 aircraft. Many brassieres, especially the very
popular Wonderbra, have built-in wire harnesses which can be dapted to a
detonation mechanism. The problem is not the size of the mammaries, per
se, but to determine if the contents of the brassiere is that which is
purported to be.

Breasts have a certain feel, a certain consistency of texture, which is
far different from C-4 explosive. An unidentified senior agency
spokesman who requested anonymity for obvious reasons stated yesterday
in an off-the-record comment, "The only sure-fire way to determine if
they are the real thing is to subject them to a vigorous pat down and
squeeze."

Critics, including a NOW spokeswoman, have been quick to voice opposition.

"It is profiling, it is sexist, and it is discriminatory," a NOW legal
counsel reported. "Besides, it is not the chest measurement, it is the
cup size that counts. Everyone knows a 32D is far more dangerous than a
38AA," she stated. NOW intends to make formal its opposition in a
letter to Attorney General Ashcroft to demand he personally take a
hands-on approach to developing standards for the intended FAA inspections.

"As women," a NOW spokesperson stated, "we recognize for enhanced
scrutiny of air travelers, but come on, this is a dangerous jiggling of
our Constitutional rights." NOW has stated it will advise its members
to refuse to be patted down and squeezed. Rather, it advises its
members to remove their blouses and bras at security screening stations
to prove they are not concealing contraband. When told of this proposed
action the FAA spokesman responded, "YEEECCCH! Have you seen some of
the NOW ladies?"

Aside from increased airline safety another positive created by the
proposed FAA directive is an expected quintupling of the number of male
applicants for airport security screening positions. Demand is
anticipated to be so great the starting salary will be decreased.
Transportation Secretary, Norman Mineta, is quoted to have said,
"Obviously, if you have a popular job position for which applicants are
beating down the door you don't have to pay a competitive wage. This
should save the the government, the airlines, and ultimately the
American traveling public billions of dollars each year."

In a related development, it is expected Hollywood celebrities such as
Madonna, Pamela Anderson, and Jennifer Lopez will soon abandon their
private jets and return to flying commercially. Paparazzi are already
jockeying to secure the best viewing locations.

The new security procedures will, no doubt, result in longer delays at
airports.

"Before, when we had delays at airports," stated an air traffic
controller, "we would say the planes were stacked up." "This will give
a whole new meaning to the term, 'stacked,'" he snickered.

When another FAA wag asked what was the FAA's policy on breast implants
the spokes man said they were well aware of the question and a committee
was avidly studying all aspects of the situation. He also stated
committee members said "they needed more time to fully get their hands
around the size of the problem."

A spokesman for former President, Bill Clinton, volunteered his services
free of charge to train airport security screeners. Senator Hillary
Clinton was not available for comment but her Press Secretary commented
the Senator thinks he is well qualified for such a position and could
distinguish between the genuine and the false.

dolfan06
02-05-2002, 06:06 PM
Computer Support Request Form

1. Describe your problem in detail:
______________________________________________
______________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
______________________________________________
______________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
______________________________________________
______________________________________________

4. Problem Severity:

A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem:

A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen__
C. Hung__
D. Strange Smell__

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

10. Have you had "a friend" who "Knows all about
computers"
try to fix it for you? Yes__ No__

11. Did they make it even worse? Yes__

12. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe__
No__

14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the
manual? No__

15. If you read the manual, do you think you
understood it?
Yes__ No__

16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the
problem yourself.
_______________________________________________
_______________________________________________

17. What were you doing with your computer at the
time the
problem occurred?
_______________________________________________
_______________________________________________

l8. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you
were logged
in?
_______________________________________________
_______________________________________________

l9. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem?
Yes__ No__

20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00?
Yes__
What's a VCR?__

21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'? Yes__
No__

22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the
problem?
Yes__ No__

23. Do you have any electronics products that DO
work?
Yes__ No__

24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem
on?
Yes__ No__

25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the
top?
Yes__ No__


Turn off your machine and give up!!!

dolfan06
02-06-2002, 10:27 AM
A Chinese couple gets married - and she' s a virgin. On the
wedding
: night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband
undresses.
: He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:" My
darring, I
: know dis you firs time and you flighten. I plomise you, I give
you anyting
: you want, I do anyting you want. What you want? I wanna a numma
69" , she
: replies. He looks at her very puzzled and says," You wanna
beef with
: broccorri?




:D

dolfan06
02-06-2002, 11:59 PM
Top Ten things you should never say to a woman during an argument
> > > >
> > > > 10. "Don't you have some laundry to do or something?"
> > > >
> > > > 9. "Ohh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off."
> > > >
> > > > 8. "You're just upset because your ass is beginning to spread."
> > > >
> > > > 7. "Wait a minute...I get it -- what time of the month is it?"
> > > >
> > > > 6. "You sure you don't want to consult the Great Oprah on this one?"
> > > >
> > > > 5. "Sorry. I was just picturing you naked."
> > > >
> > > > 4. "Whoa, time out honey. Football is on."
> > > >
> > > > 3. "Looks like someone had an extra bowl of Bitch Flakes this
> > > > morning."
> > > >
> > > > 2. "Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?"
> > > >
> > > > AND THE NUMBER ONE THING YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO A WOMAN DURING AN
> > > > ARGUMENT....
> > > >
> > > > 1. "Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded."

dolfan06
02-07-2002, 07:54 PM
when you play a country & western song backwards?


you get your house/trailer back, you get your truck back, you get....................................

dolfan06
02-08-2002, 04:32 PM
Subject: Fw: Fw: The Golf Genie
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of
golf.....Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right
through the window of
the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have
to go up there, find the owner, apologies and see how much your
lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done:
glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was
lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked,
"Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband
replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.
You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a
thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant
three
wishes.
I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the
last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and
blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of
my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I
can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every
country in the world," she said. Consider it done," the genie
said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and
natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been
with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have
sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we
both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you
think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're
right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind,
but what about you, honey?"
You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.
"I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the
rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was
insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over
and looked directly into her eyes and asked "How old are you and
your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"NO ****. Thirty-five years old and both of
you still believe in genies?"
_______________________________________________________

dolfan06
02-08-2002, 04:35 PM
The boss called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of
: > particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the
employer, who
: > understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out
staff the
: > purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest, whose
theme was
: > "Viagra advertising slogans."
: > Dividing into 10 groups of three, the only rule was they had
to use
: > past ad slogans that captured the essence of Viagra.
: > About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions, and
created
: > "Top Ten List." After all the laughter and camaraderie, the
rest of the
: > week went very well for everyone.
: > 10. Viagra, It's "Whaazzzzz Up!"
: > 9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
: > 8. Viagra, Like a rock!
: > 7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there
tonight.
: > 6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
: > 5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
: > 4. Viagra, Strong enough for a woman, but made for a man.
: > 3. Viagra, Tastes great!........More filling!
: > 2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!
: > And the unanimous number one slogan:
: > 1. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any
questions?
: >

dolfan06
02-08-2002, 08:13 PM
My First Time



The sky was dark,
The moon was high,
All alone just she and I.
Her hair was soft,
Her eyes were blue,
I knew just what
She wanted to do.
Her skin so soft,
Her legs so fine,
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.
I didn't know how,
But I tried my best;
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.
I remember my fear,
My fast beating heart,
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.
And when I did it,
I felt no shame.
All at once,
The white stuff came.
At last it's finished,
It's all over now,
My first time ever,




At milking a cow.....





I know what you were thinking!!!


Get your mind out of the gutter!!!!
You're sick.