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View Full Version : These are some of the best rules I've ever seen or heard



dolphan39
01-28-2002, 10:38 PM
Sometimes we just need to remember WHAT the Rules of Life
really are....

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it
doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and
shouldn't, use the tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital
relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's
easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave
you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"

7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe
them.

8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this
matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One
day?'

9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have
another chance!

11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable
because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the
other person was right about you.

12. Work is good, but it's not that important.

13. And finally... Be really nice to your friends. You never
know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

phinsphan4ever
01-28-2002, 10:40 PM
Those were hilarious!


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

dolphan39
01-28-2002, 10:46 PM
Originally posted by aqua&orange54
Those were hilarious!


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: I've actually being getting most of my good ones from my boss :eek: :lol: I get some good ones that are MPEG's but they are too big :rolleyes:

Mako
01-28-2002, 10:48 PM
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: My wife says I need to listen to one good tip of advice daily.. Theres my tip of the day.. Thanks 39!

dolfan06
01-29-2002, 12:31 AM
if you're trying to do some dusting for your wife. just tape down the small knick knacks then use a leaf blower!

and you can have a ball vacuuming, especially if you hate cats. just make sure the light on the vacuum cleaner is working, then scare the sucker to death!:D

Jaydog57
01-30-2002, 09:21 PM
> The CODE (rules for men)
>
> 1. Thou shall not rent Chocolat.
>
> 2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.
>
> 3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
> killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
>
> 4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother,
father,
> priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not
and
> should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his
>whereabouts.
> You are permitted to deny his very existence.
>
> 5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must
bail
> a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
>
> 6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent
without
> recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to
call
> bull****. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable
> exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent).
>
> 7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is
> off-limits forever
>
> 8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy
> who'srunning late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to
wait 10
>minutes for
> every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
>
> 9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator
is
> forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
>
> 10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another
man
> (In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly
optional.).
>
> 11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy
is
> trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried
away
>with
> your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is
>forbidden
> to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
>
> 12. Before dating a buddies ex, you are required to ask his
permission;
> and he, in return is required to grant it.
>
> 13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
> spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability
to
>pick a
> buffalo wing clean.
>
> 14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem - you didn't see
> nothin'.
>
> 15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is
beer.
>
> 16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriends cat.
>
> 17. You girlfriend must bond with your buddies girlfriends within
30
> minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her
gal
>pals
> significant dick-heads--- low level sports bonding is all the law
> requires.
>
> 18. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may
> always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask
>who's
> playing.
>
> 19. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney
> friend with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll
be
>able to
> warn your buddy and give him time prepare excuses about joining the
> priesthood.
>
> 20. (Gas Warfare Act) you may flatulate in front of a woman only
after
> you've brought her to climax. And if you trap her head under the
> covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially
your
> girlfriend.
>
> 21. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when
you're
> sunning on a tropical beach.....and it's delivered by a topless
> supermodel.......and it's free.
>
> 22. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
>
> 23. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
> remain sober enough to fight.
>
> 24. If a buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to fight,
you
> must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours
his
>actions
> have caused you to think... What this guy needs is a good
ass-whoopin,
>you
> may sit back and enjoy.
>
> 25. Friends don't let friends wear speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
>
> 26. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight
> lifting: "Yeah, baby, push it!" "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
>"Another set
> and we can hit the showers." "Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"
>
> 27. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
> pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
>
> 28. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be
referring to
> his beer.
>
> 29. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when
> she's withholding sex pending your response.
>
> 30. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal
footing:
> both urinating both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod
is
>all
> the conversation you need.
>
> 31. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you
may
> not join him......too gay.
>
> 32. Before allowing drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must
> attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look
you in
>the
> eye, and deliver a "F@CK OFF!" You are absolved of your of
>responsibility.
>
> 33. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a
friend"
> have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird
and
> guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion
about
>what a
> big mistake it was.
>
> 34. In Black Jack, always split aces and eights. No arguments.
>
:cool:

dolphan39
01-30-2002, 11:16 PM
ROTFLMAO

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