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miadphan13
01-29-2002, 03:19 AM
The George Carlin Theory:

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? Death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and then you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating and you finish off as an orgasm.

Dolfan984
01-29-2002, 03:25 AM
Sounds like a good way to go out eh?

miadphan13
01-29-2002, 03:28 AM
TALIBAN JOKES:


Q:Why does Osama always carry a piece of sh!t in his pocket?
A: It's his photo ID

Q: What do Bin Laden and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing, yet.

Q: How do you play Taliban bingo?
A: B-52...F-16...B-1...

Q: What is the Taliban's national bird?
A: Duck

Q: How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force.

Q: What do osama bin laden and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!

Q: What's the difference between the Taliban and a bucket of sh!t?
A: The bucket

Q: What's the five day forecast for Afghanistan?
A: Two days.

Q: Why doesn't the Taliban have drivers ed and sex ed classes on the same day?
A: Because the camels can't handle it

dolfan06
01-29-2002, 03:50 AM
do they call a camel, "a ship of the desert!"

because they're full of taliban se(a)men!

miadphan13
01-29-2002, 03:50 AM
http://www.finheaven.com/clear.gif

miadphan13
01-29-2002, 04:00 AM
http://www.finheaven.com/clear.gif


http://www.finheaven.com/clear.gif

miadphan13
01-29-2002, 04:07 AM
http://www.finheaven.com/clear.gif

dolfan06
01-29-2002, 09:53 AM
:D

dolfan06
01-29-2002, 09:55 AM
:D

dolfan06
01-29-2002, 09:57 AM
:D

dolfan06
01-29-2002, 08:46 PM
:D

dolfan06
01-29-2002, 08:48 PM
:D

Jaydog57
01-30-2002, 01:57 AM
LOL, great jokes, keep 'em comin!:lol: :lol: :lol:

dolfan06
01-30-2002, 08:52 AM
Originally posted by Jaydog57
LOL, great jokes, keep 'em comin!:lol: :lol: :lol: pictures, i'll put here, verbal jokes, i'll put on yours!:D

Jaydog57
01-30-2002, 09:30 PM
And now, the worst pick up lines ever......

-Just call me milk, I'll do your body good

-Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be

-Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

-I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock

-I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking
to
you

-My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going

-Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me
right,
and I'll do it your way right away

-I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me
to it

-If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous

-Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants

-I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you
all day
long for a quarter

-Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night
long

-Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you"
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat
in
those pants"

-Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine

-I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house?

-If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I
visit
you between the Holidays?

-F--k me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

-I love every bone in your body - especially mine

-You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a
light
switch away

-Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?

-I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into
this
cheap motel room

-The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room
for your
tongue

:cool:

miadphan13
01-31-2002, 01:40 AM
A drunken Irishman is driving recklessly through Dublin, and an alert cop pulls him over.
“Where have you been?” asks the police officer.
“To the pub,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “do you know that, a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens!” sighs the man. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
___________________________________________________

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks.
The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?"
"Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand."
"Incredible!" says the seaman. "How’d you get the eye patch?"
"A sea gull **** in my eye," the pirate replies.
"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the seaman asks.
"Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."
___________________________________________________

Dave works hard at the office and often comes home late. So for his birthday, his wife wants him to relax and enjoy himself. She decides to take him to a strip club.
When they arrive, the doorman says, “Dave, how’s it going?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this place before. “No,” answers Dave. “That fellow is on my bowling team.” When they’re seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual Sam Adams. His wife is getting uncomfortable and says, “You must come here a lot for her to know that you drink Sam Adams.” “No,” he replies. “She’s in the ladies’ bowling league. My team shares lanes with them.” Just then a stripper comes over and says, “Want your usual lap dance, Davy?”
Dave’s wife storms out and gets into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns around and says, “Damn, Dave. Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight.”
___________________________________________________

A man asks the only other guy in the bar if he can buy him a drink. “Of course,” comes the reply.
The first man then asks him, “Where are you from?”
“Ireland,” replies the second.
“I’m from Ireland, too! Let’s have another round, to Ireland.”
“Cheers!” replies the other, and they both toss back their drinks.
The first man asks, “Where in Ireland are you from?”
“Dublin,” comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it!” says the first man. “I’m from Dublin, too! Let’s have another drink, to Dublin!
Then the first man asks, “What school did you go to?”
“St. Mary’s,” replies the second. “I graduated in ’65.”
“This is unbelievable,” the first man says. “I went to St. Mary’s and graduated in ’65, too!”
About this time another man sits down at the bar. “What’s going on?” he asks the bartender.
“Not much,” he replies. “The O’Malley twins are drunk again.”

dolfan06
01-31-2002, 01:47 AM
at the stroke of 12 her tampax turned into a pumpkin!

you know who saved her?

peter, peter pumpkin eater!:D

miadphan13
01-31-2002, 01:58 AM
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. “Hurry!” she said. “Stand in the corner.” She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. “Don’t move until I tell you to,” she whispered. “Just pretend you’re a statue.”
“What’s this, honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room. “Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smith’s bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too.” No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two o’ clock in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. “Here,” he said to the ‘statue,’ “Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths’ for three days, and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water.”
__________________________________________________

A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he’s going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter.
"My darling," he writes, "it looks like we’re going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and we’re constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation’s terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them."
His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading, "Why don’t you learn to play this?"
Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife. "Darling" he says, "I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"
But she stops him with a wave of her hand. "First, let’s see how well you play that harmonica."
_______________________________________________

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, "That’s quite a heavy drink. What’s wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend."
"Wow," says the barkeep. "What’d you do?"
"I walked over to my wife," the man replies, "looked her straight in the eye, and told her to pack her stuff and get the hell out."
"That makes sense," says the bartender. "And what about your best friend?"
"I walked over, looked him right in the eye, and yelled, ‘Bad dog!’"
__________________________________________________

A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice in his head, which tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."
The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice.
But the next day, the same thing happens: The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."
Again the man ignores the voice, but he’s becoming increasingly upset, and the third time he hears the voice, he succumbs to the pressure. He quits his job, sells his house, takes his money, and heads to Las Vegas.
The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Harrah’s."
He hops in a cab and rushes over to the casino, where the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table."
The man does as he is told.
When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17."
Nervously, the man cashes in all his money for chips and then puts them on 17.
"Now watch," says the voice.
The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel.
Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number . . . 21.
The voice says, "SH!T!"
__________________________________________________

A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, puts the gator up on the bar, and faces the patrons. "If I open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside, leave ’em there for five minutes, then remove my unit unscathed, will each of you buy me a drink?"
The crowd murmurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and places his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator then closes its mouth as the crowd gasps.
After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opens its mouth and the man removes his genitals—unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is delivered.
"Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?" the man dares the crowd.
After a few seconds, a blonde woman timidly speaks up. "I’ll do it, but no hitting me on the head with the bottle."

dolfan06
01-31-2002, 02:04 AM
:D

dolfan06
01-31-2002, 02:17 AM
:D

Jaydog57
02-02-2002, 10:56 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Osama goes to hell...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," the devil says. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do: I've got a couple of people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil led him into the first room.

In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," bin Laden said, "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

So the devil led him to the next room. In it was the Ayatollah Khomeini with a sledgehammer and a huge pile of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I'd be in constant agony if all I did was break rocks all day," bin Laden commented.

So the devil opened a third door. In it, bin Laden saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was his girl Monica, doing what she does best. Osama bin Laden stared in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Finding Bin Laden

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

President Bush figured out how to capture Bin Laden, Send a B52 loaded with Viagara and spread it in Southern Afganistan in the rough terrain and surely the Little Prick will Pop Up.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why isn't there Kmarts or Walmarts in Afghanistan?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why isn't there any Kmarts or Walmarts in Afghanistan?

Because on every corner theres a Target!





:cool:

miadphan13
02-05-2002, 01:29 AM
The World's Shortest Books

• My Plan To Find The Real Killers by O.J. Simpson
• To All The Men I've Loved Before Ellen DeGeneres
• The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
• Human Rights Advances in China
• Things I Wouldn't Do for Money by Dennis Rodman
• Al Gore: The Wild Years
• Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
• America's Most Popular Lawyers
• Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
• Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
• Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
• Everything Men Know About Women
• Everything Women Know About Men
• French Hospitality
• Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
• The Amish Phone Directory
• The Engineer's Guide to Fashion

miadphan13
02-05-2002, 01:33 AM
This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the Bartender. The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The Bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" He says to the first duck.
"Huey" said the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."
"Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender.
Then he says to the second duck "Hi. And what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?".
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again".
So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says "So, you must be Louie."
"No," growls the third duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my day."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

So there's this farmer who buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool, chops, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and phones a vet for help.

The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means, but not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down in the grass and roll around.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try did not take and loads them into the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each twice for good measure, brings them back and upon returning to home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I woke up early one morning, the earth lay cool and still,
when suddenly a tiny bird perched on my window sill.

He sang a song so lovely, so carefree and so gay,
that slowly all my troubles began to slip away.

He sang of far off places, of laughter and of fun,
it seemed his very trilling brought up the morning sun.

I stirred beneath the covers, crept slowly out of bed.
then gently lowered the window, and crushed his f**king head.

miadphan13
02-05-2002, 01:35 AM
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. His name is Henry and he is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk: "Henry," he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Henry strutted into the hen house.

Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn't stop there. Henry went into the barn and mounted all of the ducks, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pigeon house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, "Stop, Henry!! You'll kill yourself!!" But Henry continued, seeking out each farm fowl in the same manner.

Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry. The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy." "Shhhhhhh," Henry whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster to copulate with his chickens. The farmer puts the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to business.

The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, "OK, old fellow, time to retire." The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens....look at what it did to me!"

The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon....just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you."

The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over."

So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop. And if I'm so feeble, why not give me a little head start?"

The young rooster says, "Sure, why not, you know I'll beat you."

They line up in back of the farmhouse, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later, the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to KFC heaven.

He shakes his head gloomily and says, "Darn!...third gay rooster I bought this week!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one. "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy.

An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him." The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."

dolfan06
02-05-2002, 11:26 AM
:D

dolfan06
02-05-2002, 11:27 AM
:D

dolfan06
02-05-2002, 11:28 AM
:D

dolfan06
02-05-2002, 11:29 AM
:D

dolfan06
02-05-2002, 11:30 AM
:D

nyrican
02-05-2002, 04:46 PM
:lol:

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "no he says, "the seat is empty." "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it ?.

"He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.

This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1987"

"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else-a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?'

The man shakes his head. "No, they"re all at the funeral" :eek:

dolfan06
02-05-2002, 06:04 PM
at that joke, just as soon as my wife leaves the house. i don't want to explain why i'm laughing!:D :D :D

dolfan06
02-07-2002, 12:10 PM
http://www.debsfunpages.com/polish.htm
:D

dolfan06
02-09-2002, 09:32 PM
:D

dolfan06
02-13-2002, 12:46 AM
> A retired gentleman went to the social security
> > > office to apply for social security. After waiting
> > > in line a long time he got to the counter. The
> > > woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers
> > > license to verify his age.
> > >
> > > He looked in his pockets and realized he had left
> > > his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was
> > > very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at
> > > home. "I will have to go home and come back later."
> > >
> > >
> > > The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens
> > > his shirt, revealing lots of curly silver hair. She
> > > says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof
> > > enough for me," and she processed his social
> > > security application.
> > >
> > > When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife
> > > about his experience at the social security office.
> > > She says, "You should have dropped your pants, you
> > > might have gotten disability too."
> > >

dolfan06
02-13-2002, 07:58 PM
God created shetland ponies?

so mexican cowboys could have lowriders!:goof:

dolfan06
02-14-2002, 04:43 PM
:D
http://community-2.webtv.net/karl1957/IfMenraisedthekids/

Muck
02-15-2002, 03:13 AM
I think this is where that "Fuk Mi" Restaurant is located. :D

dolfan06
02-15-2002, 10:19 AM
>Top Ten Rejected Valentines Day Cards
>
>10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk But the thing I like best,
>is getting you drunk.
>
>9. Our love will never become cold and hollow Unless, one day, you refuse
>to
>swallow.
>
>8. I bought this Valentine's card at the sto. In hopes that later, you'd be
>my ho.
>
>7. This feels so good, it feels so right I just wish it wasn't $250 a
>night.
>
>6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class Especially when I'm
>spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
>
>5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO
>MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
>
>4. Through all the things that came to pass Our love has grown. . . but
>so's
>your ass.
>
>3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie I just wished you had J-Lo's
>"booty".
>
>2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny So, right to the point, let's
>do
>it, I'm horny!
>
>1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister You should check out the
>one that I gave to your sister!
>

dolfan06
02-15-2002, 01:58 PM
i don't need that YET!:D

dolfan06
02-17-2002, 05:44 PM
More Worthless Trivia


Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a
toilet to avoid airborne particles
resulting from the flush.

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache

A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad
served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory
workers in Malaysia combined.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing
them in public.

Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already
married.

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and
Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines
were pulled by
horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk
up straight staircases.

Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the
letters from the word "criminal." The
second? William Jefferson Clinton.

And, the best for last.....

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

Frank-n-Furter
03-03-2002, 05:20 PM
Mothers have Mother's Day and Fathers have Father's Day, but what day is dedicated to single guys?

Palm Sunday:p




Three men and a pretty woman were sharing a train compartment. The woman noticed that the men were staring at her, so she said, "If each of you guys gives me a dollar, I'll show you my legs."
The 3 of them complied and the woman pulled her dress above her knees. "If each of you gives me $10," she said, "I'll show you my thighs."
Each man paid her $10. She hiked her dress higher. "If you pay me $50," she continued, "I'll show you where I had my appendix taken out."
The men promptly paid her. She pointed out the window. "See that?" she said. "That's the hospital where I had the operation."


A man standing in the back of a crowded hotel elevator shouted out, "Ballroom, please."
The woman in front of him turned around and said, "Oops, I'm sorry. I didn't realize I was crowding you.":D

miadphan13
03-11-2002, 02:29 PM
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
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Man who run in front of car get tired.
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Man who run behind car get exhausted.
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Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
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Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
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Man with one chopstick go hungry.
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Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
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Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
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Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
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War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
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Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
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Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
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It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
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Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
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Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
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Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
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Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
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Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
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Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Mack Daddy
03-11-2002, 04:27 PM
LOL, those are great rules to live by!:lol:

dolfan06
03-19-2002, 01:49 PM
man who stand on corner with hands in pockets, not feel crazy, just feel nuts!

vietnamese cook book: 101 ways to wok your dog!

new book relesased in china: "trails in the sand" by won hung lo!
:D

dolfan06
03-19-2002, 02:00 PM
-woman who fly upsidedown, may have harry crackup!

-man who go out with flat chested woman, have right to feel low down!

-crowded elevator smell different to midget!

-rape is impossible, woman can run faster with dress up than man can with pants down!

-man who fart in church, must sit in own pew!

phins054
03-19-2002, 02:40 PM
Chet and Tammy had a hot and passionate romance, however Tammy could not take Chets stuttering problem. "I I Immm SSSSorry T T Tamyyy." Chet would say. But Tammy had had her fill. "Either stop the stuttering or I'm outta here". O O Okay. So Chet went to a speech specialist and found out where is stuttering was coming from. Apparently Chet is "Well Endowed" and the added girth is straining his vocal chords. The Doc says that if a few inches are removed, then his speech will be normal. "I I DDDont KKKNow" says Chet. But knowing Tammy will leave him he reluctantly agrees. One week passes and Tammy says" Im sorry but the love making is just not the same...I want the old Chet back(typical woman...never make up their minds) no matter how much you stutter"

So Chet goes back to the physician: " Doc I need to get back to the way I was before, My girlfriend is going nuts!!!" The Doc replies:"SSSSSorrryyy CCCHetttt B B But I CCCan't"