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Jaydog57
02-09-2002, 09:47 PM
Hey, decided to start another joke thread 'cause the other one was getting pretty big. Keep leavin' the funnies!:cool:

Bar Bet



A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then says to the bar tender, "I'll bet you one-hundred bucks that I can pee in this cup from straight across the room." The bar tender says, "You're on." The guy then buys two more drinks, and puts his money on the table. The guy then goes across the room and pees all over the place not once getting it in the cup. The bar tender takes the money and smiles. The guy smiles back at him. The bar tender asks, "Why are you smiling? You just lost one-hundred bucks." The guy then says, "I bet everyone else in the bar one-thousand dollars that I could pee all over the place and make you smile!"


Magic Lamp
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. And for years and years they lived there, one day they find a magic lamp. They rub and rub and sure enough out comes a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one." So the brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life. I wish I was home.", and POOF she is gone. The redhead makes her wish, "This place stinks, I wish I was home with my family also.", and POOF she is gone. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie says to her, "My dear what is the matter?" The blonde replies, "I wish my friends were here."


:cool:

dolfan06
02-09-2002, 09:59 PM
are there in a pair of panty hose?


10 piggies

2 calves

1 ass

1 *****

god knows how many hares

and a fish you can't find!

dolfan06
02-10-2002, 09:12 PM
Osama bin Laden found a bottle on the beach and picked it up.

Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said
"Master, may I grant you one wish?"
"Do you know who I am? bin Laden said menacingly, "I don't need anything
from a woman except obedience. Now get out of my sight."
The genie pleaded "But master, I must grant you a wish or I will be
returned to this bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment. Then, he said, "I want to wake up in the morning
with three American women in my bed." Giving the genie an evil glare, he
hissed "Now get out of my sight!"
The genie said "So be it!" and disappeared back into the bottle.
The next morning, bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya
Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his leg was broken,
and he had no health insurance.
----------------------------------------------


:D

dolfan06
02-11-2002, 12:36 AM
there were 5000 mexicans at the alamo?


they only had two cars!:D

Jaydog57
02-11-2002, 01:08 AM
Chinese Menu, anyone for takeout?:cool:

Jaydog57
02-11-2002, 01:13 AM
I wonder if I like it just because so many people hate it.:D

dolfan06
02-11-2002, 10:49 AM
Originally posted by Jaydog57
I wonder if I like it just because so many people hate it.:D i don't know how many people hate it, but it certainly has been around. i've had it cooped up in my download files for a couple years now, i thought it was funny, but you're right most people don't like it!:(

dolfan06
02-11-2002, 01:33 PM
> >A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father,
> >who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His
> >father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with
> >you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get
> >your hair cut and we'll talk about it."
> >
> >After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if
> >they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's
> >study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You
> >have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently,
> >but you didn't get your hair cut!"
> >
> >The young man waited and minute and replied, "You know Dad, I've been
> >thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long
> >hair, why even Jesus had long hair...."
> >
> >To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they
> >went!"

dolfan06
02-11-2002, 01:35 PM
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing,?" she asked.

"Hunting flies," he responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, three males and two females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"

He responded, "Three were on the beer can, two were on the phone."

dolfan06
02-11-2002, 01:54 PM
SOME REASONS WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS HARD TO LEARN

The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger, neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

Explore its paradoxes- quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it. hmmmmmmm?

dolfan06
02-13-2002, 12:44 AM
It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old
>man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year she
>went into the hospital to give
>birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the
>fellow. "This is
>amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He
>answered, "You've got to keep that old motor
>running." The following year she gave birth
>again. The same nurse said, "You really are
>amazing. How do you do it?" He again said,
>"You've got to keep the old motor running." The
>same thing happened the next year. The nurse
>said, "You must be quite a man." He responded,
>"You've got to keep that old motor running." The
>nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the
>oil, this one's black
>

dolfan06
02-13-2002, 06:48 PM
were invited to a halloween costume party, so dressed like a bull and she dressed like a cow. on the way to the party they cut across a cow pasture and a real bull spotted em and started charging.
his wife says, "oh honey, what are we gonna do!"
the farmer says, " i'm gonna walk over here and eat some grass, you'd better brace yourself!":eek: :D

dolfan06
02-17-2002, 05:51 PM
:rolleyes:

dolfan06
02-18-2002, 12:00 AM
STRATEGIC FARTERS

They who fart and cough at the same time.

:rolleyes:

dolfan06
02-19-2002, 01:19 AM
> >Toward the end of the golf
> >course, Dave somehow
> >managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in
> >a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
> >
> >Trying to get
> >his ball back in play, he ended up trashing just
> >about every buttercup in the patch. All of a
> >sudden....
> >
> >POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old
> >woman appeared. She said, " I'm Mother
> >Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make
> >those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any
> >butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better
> >still you won't have any butter for your
> >toast for the rest ! of your life.... as a matter of
> >fact, you won't have any butter for anything the
> >rest of your life! "
> >
> >THEN POOF!!.... She was gone.
> >
> >After Dave got a hold of himself, he hollered for
> >his friend, Fred. "Fred, where are you? "
> >
> >Fred yells back, " I'm over here, in the *****willows."
> >
> >Dave yells back.... " DON'T SWING FRED!!!! "
> >For God sake, DON'T SWING!!!
>




:D :D :D

dolfan06
02-19-2002, 11:15 PM
Subject: Way to go.....


> In his Sunday sermon, the minister used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his
> subject. After the sermon, he asked how many were willing to
forgive
> their enemies. About half held up their hands.
>
> Not satisfied, he harangued the congregation for another twenty
minutes
> and repeated his question.
>
> This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he
> lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. All
> responded except one elderly gentleman in the rear.
>
> "Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
>
> "I don't have any."
>
> "Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
>
> "Ninety-six."
>
> "Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how
a
> man can live to be ninety-six and not have an enemy in the world."
>
> The old man teetered down the aisle, slowly turned to face the
> congregation, and said, "I outlived the Sons of Bitches".
>

dolfan06
02-20-2002, 07:01 PM
> It was that time, during the Sunday morning service,
> > for the children's
> > sermon. All the children were invited to come
> > forward. One little girl was
> > wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
> > down, the pastor leaned
> > over and said, That is a very pretty dress. Is it
> > your EasterDress?
> > The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's
> > clip-on microphone,
> > Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron.
> >

dolfan06
02-20-2002, 07:03 PM
> Finding one of her students making faces at others
> > on theplayground, elderly
> > Mrs.Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
> > Smiling sweetly, the teacher
> > said, Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if
> > I made ugly faces, it
> > would freeze and I would stay like that.
> > Bobby looked up and replied, Well, Mrs. Smith, you
> > can't say you weren't
> > warned.

dolfan06
02-20-2002, 07:05 PM
One morning a man came into the church on crutches.
> > He stopped in front of
> > the holy water, put some on both legs, and then
> > threw away his crutches. An
> > alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the
> > rectory to tell the
> > priest what he'd just seen.
> > Son, you've just witnessed a miracle, the priest
> > said. Tellme, where is
> > this man now?
> > Flat on his Ass over by the holy water, said the
> > boy.
> >

dolfan06
02-21-2002, 08:45 PM
Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I
really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come
work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel
like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me
feel better and I
can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later:
Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be
at work soon. ......You got nice house."


:D

dolfan06
02-26-2002, 02:10 AM
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big
bad
wolf crouched down behind a log. "My, what big eyes you have, Mr.
Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood

sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush. "My
what
big ears you have, Mr. Wolf." Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About
two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again
and
this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf." With that the wolf jumps up and

screams, "Will you fu<k off, I'm trying to take a sh!t!"

dolfan06
02-26-2002, 02:12 AM
THE THREE LITTLE PIGS
>The mind of a six year old is wonderful!
>Here's a First Grade, true story.....
>One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three
Little
>Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first
pig
was
>trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
> She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow
full
>of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to

>build my house?'"
>The teacher paused, then asked the class, "And what do you think that
man
>said?"
>One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he probably said
'Holy
>****! A talking pig!"
>The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes

dolfan06
02-26-2002, 02:15 AM
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.
>>The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley
>>in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer,
>>and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order."
>>O'Malley was shocked and saddened. But, being of solid character,
>>he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office
>>into the waiting room.
>>To his son who had been waiting, O'Malley said, "Well son, we
>>Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things
>>don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer.
>> Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."
>>After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There
>>were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by
>>some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were
>>celebrating.
>>O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He
>>went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.
>> He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
>>The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple
>>more beers.
>>After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his
>>confusion.
>>"Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just
>>told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
>>"I don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I am gone!"

dolfan06
02-27-2002, 05:14 PM
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather slick looking,
>well-dressed, just past middle-age gentleman. "Can I help you?" the madam
>asked.
>
>"I want to see Natalie," the old man replied.
>
>"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."
>
>"No, I must see Natalie."
>
>Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charges
>$1000.00
>per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her
>ten $100
>bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly
>left.
>
>The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie
>explained
>that is was very rare for anyone to come back two nights in a row and that
>there were no
>discounts....it was still $1000.00 a visit.
>
>Again the man took out the money, the two went up to the room, and an hour
>later, he left.
>
>When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it.
>Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went.
>
>At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the man. "No one has ever used my
>services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
>
>The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."
>
>"Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there."
>
>"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died and I'm your sister's
>attorney. She asked me to give you your $3000.00 inheritance."
>
> MORAL:
> Some things in life are certain:
> Death
> Taxes
> Being screwed by an attorney




:D

dolfan06
02-28-2002, 05:28 PM
The Wife


A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck/

When he did finally return home, he was confronted by a very angry and wife was harranged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

dolfan06
03-01-2002, 01:22 AM
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the head of the
family, so call me The President. Your mother is the
administrator of the money so we call her the Government. We're here to
>take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll
>consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the
>Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

>So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
>
>Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check
>on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little
>boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not
>wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked,
>he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives
>up and goes back to bed.
>
>The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
>understand politics now." The father says, "Good, son. Tell me in your own
>words what you think politics is all about."
>
>The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while
>the Government is sound asleep. Meanwhile the People are being ignored and
the Future is in Deep ****.

dolfan06
03-01-2002, 04:43 PM
How to Shower Like A Woman
> >
> > 1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned
> laundry
> > hamper according
> > to lights and darks.
> >
> > 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
> If
> > you see your
> > husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
> >
> > 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror-
> make
> > mental note- must
> > do more sit-ups.
> >
> > 4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth,
> leg
> > cloth, long
> > loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
> >
> > 5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage
> shampoo
> > with 43 added
> > vitamins.
> >
> > 6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
> >
> > 7. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint
> > conditioner enhanced with
> > natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen
> > minutes.
> >
> > 8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial
> scrub
> > for ten minutes
> > until red.
> >
> > 9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and
> Jaffa
> > Cake body wash.
> >
> > 10. Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure
> > that it has all come
> > off).
> >
> > 11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving
> bikini
> > area but decide to
> > get it waxed instead.
> >
> > 12. Scream loudly when your husband flushed the
> toilet
> > and you lose the
> > water pressure.
> >
> > 13. Turn off shower.
> >
> > 14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
> Spray
> > mold spots with
> > Tilex.
> >
> > 15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of
> a
> > small country.
> > Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
> >
> > 16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a
> zit,
> > tweeze hairs.
> >
> > 17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown
> and
> > towel on head.
> >
> > 18. If you see your husband along the way, cover
> up
> > any exposed areas,
> > and then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a
> half
> > getting dressed.
> >
> > ---------------
> >
> > How to Shower Like a Man
> >
> > 1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of
> the
> > bed and leave them
> > in a pile.
> >
> > 2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your
> wife
> > along the way,
> > shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound.
> >
> > 3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and
> suck
> > in your gut to
> > see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of
> your
> > wiener in the
> > mirror
> > and scratch your ass.
> >
> > 4. Get in the shower.
> >
> > 5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth, you don't
> use
> > one.
> >
> > 6. Wash your face.
> >
> > 7. Wash your armpits.
> >
> > 8. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the
> water
> > just rinse it off.
> >
> > 9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the
> > shower.
> >
> > 10. Majority of time is spent washing your
> privates
> > and surrounding
> > area.
> >
> > 11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt
> hairs on
> > the soap bar.
> >
> > 12. Shampoo your hair, do not use conditioner.
> >
> > 13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
> >
> > 14. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself
> in
> > the mirror again.
> >
> > 15. Pee, in the shower.
> >
> > 16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to
> > notice water on the
> > floor because you left the curtain hanging out of
> the
> > tub the whole
> > time, again.
> >
> > 17. Partially dry off.
> >
> > 18. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles.
> > Admire wiener size
> > again.
> >
> > 19. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on
> the
> > floor
> >
> > 20. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
> >
> > 21. Return to the bedroom with towel around your
> > waist. If you pass
> > your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at
> her,
> > and make the
> > "woo-woo" sound again.
> >
> > 22. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to
> get
> > dressed.
> >