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dolphan39
01-30-2002, 01:56 PM
George Harrison meets his new band mates in the hereafter. (http://www.nationallampoon.com/MoDstyles/newsflash/main/nf_harrison.asp)

dolphan39
02-01-2002, 12:17 PM
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again....for no reason."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal? Don't you like getting flowers?"

The redhead says, "Oh sure....but he always has expectations
after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the
next three days on my back with my legs in the air!"

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

dolfan06
02-01-2002, 09:06 PM
a man with no arms and no legs rings the door bell at a cat house!

the madam says WHAT IN THE HELL CAN I DO FOR YOU?

the man says, " I RANG THE BELL, DIDN'T I!

dolfan06
02-02-2002, 12:18 AM
says, "i want some 12 year old scotch!"

bartender figures the guy won't know the difference, so he gives him some 4 year old scotch.

the guy takes a drink, spits it out and says, " i want some 12 year old scotch!"

the best the bartender had was 8 year old scotch, so he gives him that.

the guy takes a sip, spits it out and says, "i'm going somewhere i can get a glass of 12 year old scotch. on the way out a wino hands him a glass and says, "here taste this."

the guy takes a drink, spits it out and says, "god, this tastes like piss!"

the wino says, "i know what it is, tell me how old i am!"

Jaydog57
02-02-2002, 01:15 AM
Two nuns are riding their bikes down the back streets of Rome.
One leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come
this way before."
..The other nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."

dolphan39
02-02-2002, 11:04 AM
Dog - too funny and sacrilegious ;)

dolfan06
02-02-2002, 04:00 PM
the sharpest thing in the world is?

a fart, it can go through your pants with out leaving a hole!

Jaydog57
02-02-2002, 10:49 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

pass the jelly

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There were these two guys having lunch one day when the first guy says to the second one, "You ever say one thing to someone when you meant to say something else?" "How do you mean?" says the second one. "Well last week I was at the airport in Philly and I wanted to come back here to Pittsburgh and the women at the counter had these enormous breasts so instead of asking for two tickets to Pittsburgh, I asked for two pickets to Tittsburgh." "I know what you mean.", says the second guy. "Why just this morning I was having breakfast with my wife and I meant to ask her to pass the the jelly but instead I said 'You're ruining my life you stupid bitch!'"


:cool:

Jaydog57
02-02-2002, 11:39 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

construction workers

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A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a
handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to
him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language. The man on the 3rd
floor does sign language. He points at his eye meaning "I", points at
his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a
handsaw motion. The man on the 1st floor knods his head, pulls down
his pants, and starts masturbating. The man on the 3rd floor gets so
angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says," What the f*ck is
wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!"
The other guy says," I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm
coming."




:cool:

dolphan39
02-04-2002, 11:31 AM
On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support  the farmer, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."   And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."  So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span."

Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"  And God agreed
again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody

dolphan39
02-04-2002, 11:33 AM
Originally posted by Jaydog57
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

construction workers

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:cool: sick, but LMAO :lol:

dolphan39
02-04-2002, 11:42 AM
THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN...(HONEST AND NO KIDDING):

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas.

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if a paint can is tied to it, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh- oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain Legos' will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.
11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will however make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

dolfan06
02-04-2002, 11:43 AM
when a waitress walks up to a table and 4 oriental business men were sitting aroud the table masterbating.

the watress was appalled and asked what the hell they were doing

on said they were just doing what the sign said..........

ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?!












"first come, first served"

dolphan39
02-05-2002, 03:45 PM
Helping Hand
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the bathroom, so the girls went with one teacher and the boys went with the other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her that some of the children needed help undressing. Having no choice, the teacher went inside and helped each boy go to the bathroom, one by one.

When she helped the last in line, she couldn't help but notice that he was very well-endowed. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.

"No," he replied, "I'm in the eighth, riding Whirlwind!."

dolfan06
02-07-2002, 01:34 AM
Originally posted by dolphan39
Helping Hand
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the bathroom, so the girls went with one teacher and the boys went with the other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her that some of the children needed help undressing. Having no choice, the teacher went inside and helped each boy go to the bathroom, one by one.

When she helped the last in line, she couldn't help but notice that he was very well-endowed. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.

"No," he replied, "I'm in the eighth, riding Whirlwind!." whats so bad about that one, it was funny, i can see it happening, although i don't think the teacher would help the last little boy by accident!:D

dolphan39
02-10-2002, 10:43 AM
here some more for ya then: http://archives.emazing.com/archives/joke :)

dolphan39
02-11-2002, 11:19 AM
A.A.A.D.D.!!!
They have finally found a diagnosis for my condition. Hooray!!
I have Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder... This is how it
goes:

I decide to wash the car; I start toward the garage and notice the
mail on the table. OK, I'm going to wash the car.

But first I'm going to go through the mail. I lay the car keys down
on the desk, discard the junk mail and I notice the trashcan is full.
OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the trashcan out,
but since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first.

Now, where is my checkbook? Oops, there's only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk. Oh, there's the coke I was drinking. I'm going to look for those checks. But first I need to put my coke further away from the computer, oh maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for a while.

I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye, they need some water. I set the coke on the counter and Uh oh! There are my glasses. I was looking for them all morning! I'd better put them away first.

I fill a container with water and head for the flower pots - - Aaaaaagh!

Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We'll never think to
look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television so I'd better put it back in the family room where it belongs. I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor, I throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do?

End of Day: The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, the coke is
sitting on the kitchen counter, the flowers are half watered, the
checkbook still only has one check in it and I can't seem to find my car keys! When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I
KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!!!

I realize this is a serious condition and I'll get help, BUT FIRST I
think l'll check my e-mail. CAN YOU RELATE???

Please send this to everyone you know because I DON'T REMEMBER WHO I SENT IT TO!!!!!!

dolphan39
02-11-2002, 11:20 AM
Where is Love?

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving
someone a valentine?"

David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad" "Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden" David says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?" his father asks in shock.

"Well" David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart wells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride. "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the **** out of him."

dolfan06
02-11-2002, 11:29 AM
too many problems with the wife. its this age thing, now that i have finally got my sh!t together, sometimes i forget where i put it! making plans without consulting the wife though can be a BIG problem!;)

dolphan39
02-11-2002, 11:56 AM
A man is driving down the road.
A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction.

As they pass each other,
The woman leans out the window and yells "PIG!"
The man immediately leans out his window and yells "BITCH!!"
As the man rounds the curve he crashes into a huge pig in the
middle
of the road.......

If only men would listen!! (from my sister:)

dolphan39
02-12-2002, 12:02 PM
Top Ten He Said She Said

10) He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear pants, don't you?

9) She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk? He said...
It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make
love to you really badly. She said...Well, you succeeded.

7) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'. She said...
'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'

6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere.."
Written just below it: "I do not."

5) He said... "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?" She
said...
"That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I
sit on the sofa and fart. "

4) Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like
your late husband.
She said... "Who's gonna look? "

3) He said.. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said...
Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard.

2) He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight. She said...
Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on.

1) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said...
I would, but you're never there.



OK - it is an oldie and maybe already posted here...:o

dolphan39
02-12-2002, 12:15 PM
Subject: get to work!

>

Letter from the Penis,

> >>

Dear Management:

> >>

>I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for

the following reasons:

> >>

1. I do physical labor,

2. I work at great depths,

3. I plunge head first into everything I do,

4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off,

5. I work in a damp environment,

6. I don't get paid overtime,

7. I work in a dark workplace that has poor

ventilation,

8. I work in high temperatures, and

9. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

> >>

Management Responds

> >>

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the

arguments you have raised, the administration rejects

your request for the following reasons:

> >>

1. You can not work 8 hours straight,

2. You fall asleep on the job after brief work

periods,

3. You do not always follow the orders of the

management team,

4. You do not stay in your designated area and are

often seen visiting other locations,

5. You do not take initiative - you need to be

pressured and stimulated in order to start

working,

6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end

of your shift,

7. You don't always observe necessary safety

regulations, such as wearing the correct

protective clothing,

8. You will retire well before you are 65,

9. You are unable to work double shifts,

10. You sometimes leave your designated work before

you have completed the assigned task,

11.And if that were not all, you have been seen

constantly entering and exiting the workplace

carrying two suspicious looking bags.

> >>

Sincerely,

The Management

dolfan06
02-12-2002, 03:20 PM
those are old ones, but i forgot em, i think they're great!:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

dolphan39
02-12-2002, 03:22 PM
http://www.whitehouse.org/initiatives/patriot/index.asp

dolfan06
02-12-2002, 03:27 PM
reasons about being an egg?

1. you don't even know if you had a daddy

2. takes 3 minutes for you to get hard

3. your mother was the only one to sit on you face

4. you come in the same box with 11 other guys!

dolphan39
02-13-2002, 04:11 PM
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor
manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning
labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical
Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug
burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
invisible or worse bulletproof.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the
time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the number one factor is having a
coyote date.
WARNING: the consumption of alcohol may Mack you tink you can tipe real gode

dolphan39
02-14-2002, 09:50 AM
This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment AND THEY HIRED HIM! Enjoy.

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA! But seriously, whatever's available. If I were in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management
hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better
suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising

dolphan39
02-14-2002, 05:26 PM
It was the first day of school in Dallas and a new student named
Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775." He said.
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from
Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
teacher,
"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little ****. If you sayanything else, I'll kill you."
Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to
Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we're screwed!"
And Suzuki said, "The Taliban, 2001."

dolphan39
02-16-2002, 10:23 AM
Little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the head of the family, so they call me the President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so call her Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. Your little baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about it and see if it make sense."

So the little boy goes to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he heard his little brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has everely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room and finds the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad I think I understand the concept of Politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "The Presidents is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and The Future is in Deep ****."

dolphan39
02-16-2002, 10:23 AM
Generous
A charitable organization realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer so they called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that you haven't given any money to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer angrily answered, "Did you know that my mother is dying and has medical bills that she can't possibly pay?"

"Well....."

The lawyer continued, "Did you know that my nephew is blind, confined to a wheelchair, and can't support himself?"

"I'm sorry, I…."

"Did you know that my sister's husband died leaving her penniless with three children?"

The man from the organization finally said, "I'm sorry. I won't bother you any further."

The lawyer answered, "Damn right! I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

dolfan06
02-18-2002, 11:54 AM
Three guys, a teenager, his father and his grandfather
go out to play a round of golf. Just before the son is
ready to tee off, this fine looking woman walks up
carrying her clubs. She says her partner didn't show
and asks if she can join them. The guys say sure, since
she is quite a beautiful woman.
The lady turns to the three of them and says, "I don't
care what the three of you do, cuss, smoke, chew, spit,
fart or whatever. Just don't try to coach me on my game".

The guys say okay and ask if she would like to tee off
first. All eyes are on her ass as her skirt rides up
when she bends over to place the ball. She then proceeds
to knock the hell out of the ball right up the
middle.

She just starts pounding these guys, paring every hole.
They get to the 18th and she has a 12-foot putt for par.
She turns around and says, "You guys have done a great
job at not trying to coach me on my game.
I've never shot par before, and I'm going to ask your
opinions on this putt. Now if any of your opinions help
me make the putt, I will give that guy a blow job he
will never forget. "

The guys think, 'what a deal!' The kid walks over, eyes
up the putt for a couple of minutes, and finally
says, "Lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of
the hole. The ball will break left 12 inches from the
hole and go in the cup."

The father walks up and says, "Don't listen to the
youngster, aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will
break left 2 feet from the hole and fall into the cup."

Grandpa looks at both of them in disgust, walks over and
picks up the ball, drops it into the cup, unzips his fly
and says "That's a Gimme."

dolphan39
02-19-2002, 10:27 AM
MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of her
mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her that it's not so, the
husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper
and stands in front of her mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

How long will this take, she asks? They'll grow larger over a period of years, he replies.

The wife stops. Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?

He said, Worked for your butt, didn't it?

He lived, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk
again.

;)

dolfan06
02-19-2002, 10:31 AM
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

dolphan39
02-19-2002, 02:03 PM
http://minibytes.mondominishows.com/alqaeda/main.asp?seed=7951&serial=253292

dolfan06
02-19-2002, 03:11 PM
about as funny as the one i had for iraq!:lol:

dolphan39
02-20-2002, 10:49 AM
:D

dolfan06
02-20-2002, 11:33 AM
some of those enron people will get a "quiet place!":D

dolphan39
02-21-2002, 02:34 PM
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again.If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw aburrito and jumped too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.


are you ready for it ....................




its worth the wait ...........................




here it comes ................................





"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He made his own lunch."

dolphan39
03-01-2002, 04:04 PM
;)

dolphan39
03-03-2002, 01:42 PM
Five ladies volunteered to paint a room one summer at a local nursing home. It was a really hot day and the ladies were getting really hot while working, so they took off all their clothes and went on painting naked. Suddenly, they heard a knock on the door.
"Who is it?" One lady asked.

A man answered, "I'm the blind man".

So, the ladies decided to let him in since he would not be able to see them. The man then looked around the room, then looked at them and said, "Ahem. Excuse me, where do you want these blinds??"

Frank-n-Furter
03-05-2002, 11:52 PM
Hey man, you change your avatar like schizophrenics change personalities. :lol: One day, you're Anna Kournikova, the next day you're a 265 lb. center. As the father said in the beginning of the "We're not gonna take it"(Twisted Sister)video, "Young man, whatta you wanna do with your life?":lol:

dolphan39
03-06-2002, 01:06 PM
Originally posted by Frank-n-Furter
Hey man, "Young man, whatta you wanna do with your life?":lol: I like my avatar to keep up with the times, when things are boring I can go back to ol' standby

http://www.finheaven.com/clear.gif

dolphan39
03-07-2002, 02:20 PM
A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"

"How should I know?" the man answers, "I'm not a lawyer!"

dolphan39
03-08-2002, 01:05 PM
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad

bouncing up and down.


The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has

seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.


The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"


The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I

have to get on top of it to help flatten it."


"You're wasting your time," said the boy.


"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.


"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her

knees and blows it right back up."

dolphan39
03-08-2002, 01:07 PM
As the woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.Please, go away and leave me alone."A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping, placed the groceries on the k! itchen counter, and heard that buz zing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."

dolphan39
03-13-2002, 04:25 PM
:lol:

dolphan39
03-13-2002, 04:25 PM
:lol:

dolphan39
03-13-2002, 04:26 PM
:lol:

dolphan39
03-13-2002, 04:27 PM
:lol:

dolphan39
03-13-2002, 04:28 PM
:lol:

dolphan39
03-14-2002, 06:00 PM
Quick Eye Exam...

This will blow your mind...!

Just do it - don't cheat!!!!!!!!!!!!

Try this its actually quite good.

But don't cheat!

Count the number of F's in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS



Managed it?

Scroll down only after you have counted them!











OK?


How many?







Three?









Wrong, there are six - no joke!



Read again!




FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS



The reasoning is further down...

The brain cannot process the word "OF".


Incredible or what?

Anyone who counts all six F's on the first go is a genius
Three is normal.

dolphan39
03-18-2002, 10:13 AM
Various Facts of amusing nature

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)

*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)

*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal fo a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Still not over that pig thing)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hummm....I won't touch THAT one!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...? -- did the govt. pay for this research??)

*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(In my next life I STILL want to be a pig ...quality over quantity)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

After reading all these, all I can say is.......Damn those Pigs

dolphan39
03-19-2002, 03:15 PM
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?g=photos_g_ts&a=&tmpl=sl&e=15&na=1&l=&ns=

dolphan39
03-20-2002, 11:40 AM
These are :cool:


HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITHOUT KNOWING THESE THINGS?

1. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred
and Wilma Flintstone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. Coca-Cola was originally green.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5. The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6. The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
( now get this...)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7. The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
11. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12. The youngest pope was 11 years old.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
13. The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
14. Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
15. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
history:
Spades - King David,
Hearts - Charlemagne,
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
16. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
17. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front
legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg
in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.If the
horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
22. No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a
Super bowl.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
23. The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports
games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major
League All-Stars Game.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS from every other TV show?
A. No theme song
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name
requested?
A. Obsession
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you
would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and
laserprinters all have in common?
A. All invented by women. (ha ha ha!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer
to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~.
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month
after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all
the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was
lunar based, this period was called the honey month or what we know today as
the honeymoon.
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies
Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

dolfan06
03-20-2002, 11:54 AM
brought up sex, a wife told her husband, if you want to have sex, squeeze my left breast one time, if you don't want to have sex, squeeze my right breast one time
the husband thought this was a pretty good idea and told his wife, if you want to have sex, jerk my penis once. if you don't want to have sex, jerk my penis 50 times!:goof:

dolphan39
03-20-2002, 01:56 PM
http://www.miamidolphins.com/cheerleaders/videotradingcards/videotradingcards_jaime.asp

dolfan06
03-20-2002, 04:35 PM
>>Subject: FW: COMEBACK LINE OF THE YEAR
>>
>> >>A high school English teacher reminded her class of tomorrow's final
>>exam.
>> >"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there
>>tomorrow.
>> >I
>> >might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or
>>illness, or
>> >a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses
>> >whatsoever!"
>> >A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What
>>
>> >would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and
>>utter
>> >sexual exhaustion?"
>> >The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and
>>snickering.
>> >When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the
>> >student,
>> >shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write
>>the
>> >exam with your other hand."
>>

dolphan39
03-20-2002, 04:53 PM
:lol:

dolfan06
03-20-2002, 05:12 PM
thanks, the guy that sent me that was brian bauer, the guy that wrote that one article for finheaven! :)

dolphan39
03-20-2002, 05:19 PM
Originally posted by dolfan06
thanks, the guy that sent me that was brian bauer, the guy that wrote that one article for finheaven! :) I sent it to lots of people - thanks Brian

dolfan06
03-21-2002, 04:19 AM
i had so many jokes in my email, i read some and deleted the rest!:(

dolfan06
03-22-2002, 04:55 AM
> Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy. Rob is a

>commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs

>underwater repair on offshore drilling rigs.

> Below is a letter he sent to his sister. She then sent it to The

>X,103.2 on your FM dial in Ft. Wayne IN, who was sponsoring a "worst job

>experience" contest.

>

> Needless to say, she won. This is what she turned in to the

>contest...

>

>Hi Sue,

> Just another note from the bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I

>had bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work,

>so I thought I would share my unique situation/dilemma with you to make you

>realize it's not so bad after all.

> Before I can tell you what happened to me, I must bore you with a

>few technicalities of my job.

>

> As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a

>suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite

>cold. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered

>industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water

>straight out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then

>pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air

>hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times

>with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working,

>is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my

>whole suit with warm relaxing water. It's like working in a bubbling

>Jacuzzi.

> Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started

>to itch. So, of course, I tried to scratch it. This only made things a lot

>worse. Within several seconds my butt started to burn, and was getting worse

>by the minute. I pulled the hose out from by back, but the damage was done.

>

>MY ASS WAS ON FIRE!!!.

> In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had

>sucked up a live jellyfish and pumped it into my wet suit. Now since I don't

>have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. So it was just

>flopping around. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I

>scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish

>INTO my butt.

>

> I frantically radioed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the

>two-way communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he,

>along with 5 other divers, were all laughing hysterically at my situation.

>Needless to say I wanted to abort the dive immediately. I was instructed to

>make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I

>could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I

>arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet, along

>with sporting a red hot ass. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with

>tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told

>me to rub it in my crack as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream

>eventually put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for 2 whole days because my

>butt hole was actually swollen shut.

>

> So the next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how

>much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved between your butt

>cheeks.

>Now repeat to yourself,

>"I love my job,

>I love my job,

>I love my job..."

Frank-n-Furter
03-23-2002, 01:43 AM
>ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
>BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
>CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
>CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
>COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
>DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
>EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
>GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
>
>HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
>INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
>An
>insect that makes you like flies better.
>RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
>SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
>WRINKLES. Something other people have. You have character lines!
>TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
>TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
>YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
>
>
:cool:

dolfan06
03-23-2002, 04:22 AM
Strutting around on Easter morning, a rooster spied a basket full
>of
> brightly coloured eggs. He shook his head - thought a while -
>then
>made a
> beeline across the barnyard and kicked the daylights out of
>the
>peacock...

dolfan06
03-23-2002, 09:03 PM
MY PENIS DIED TODAY


An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy, asked if
there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My penis
died today, and I am very sad" Knowing her patients were forgetful and
sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein,
please accept my condolences. The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking
down the hall with his penis hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Goldstein," she said, "you shouldn't be walking down the hall Like this.
Please put your penis back inside your pajamas." "But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my penis died." "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy.
"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing."

Miamian
03-27-2002, 12:21 AM
A father and mother of a little girl were going out to dinner and asked the girl's grandfather to babysit her for the night to which he gladly assented. After the parents left, the grandfather turned to the girl and said, "Jenny would you like to see my magic puppet?" She said okay. He unzipped his fly and exposed himself and then said, now if you rub it, it will get bigger and bigger.

As the parents got home an ambulance was pulling away and they found their daughter alone at home. "Jenny," they asked, "what happened to Grandpa?" She said "Grandpa showed me his magic puppet. I rubbed it and it got bigger and bigger. Then it spit at me, so I bit its head off."

Billsfan
03-27-2002, 09:35 AM
God, Dan, and Jim in Heaven.
Dan Marino, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Dolphins flag in the window.
"This house is yours for eternity, Daniel," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."
Dan felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner.
It was a beautiful, luxurious, giant, three story, red white & blue mansion with a red white and blue sidewalk, 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Buffalo Bills logo flag, and in every window, a Buffalo Bills Decal.
Dan looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I went to the Super Bowl, and I even went to the hall of fame." God asked "so what do you want to know, Daniel?"
"Well, why does Jim Kelly get a better house than me?" God chuckled and said "Daniel, that's not Jim Kelly's house, it's mine."

dolfan06
03-27-2002, 11:45 AM
you wouldn't find lawyers or bills in heaven!:p

Miamian
03-28-2002, 11:54 PM
During WWII, Hitler instructed his troops stationed in conquered territory to rape native women in order to breed young Nazis. One of the soldiers stationed in the French countryside couldn't bring himself to do it. After much jeering from his comrades he finally determined to fulfill his duty.

Going out into the country he found a rather petite, but pretty French girl. He descended on her and raped her. When he was fininshed he stood over her triumphantly and stated "in nine months you will have a baby, name it Adolf Hitler." He clicked his heels, raised his arm in the 45 degree salute, and exclaimed "Heil Hitler!" She looked up at him and replied "in three days you will have a disease. Name it syphilis, Vive la France!"

Capt. Dick
03-29-2002, 07:33 PM
Originally posted by Billsfan
God, Dan, and Jim in Heaven.
Dan Marino, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Dolphins flag in the window.
"This house is yours for eternity, Daniel," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."
Dan felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner.
It was a beautiful, luxurious, giant, three story, red white & blue mansion with a red white and blue sidewalk, 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Buffalo Bills logo flag, and in every window, a Buffalo Bills Decal.
Dan looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I went to the Super Bowl, and I even went to the hall of fame." God asked "so what do you want to know, Daniel?"
"Well, why does Jim Kelly get a better house than me?" God chuckled and said "Daniel, that's not Jim Kelly's house, it's mine."


Don`t like the bills but gotta admit that was :lol: :lol: :lol:

dolfan06
03-30-2002, 04:11 AM
but i think the names should be reversed!:rolleyes:

dolphan39
04-01-2002, 10:10 AM
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible" says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"

She says, "No, I'm really a blonde." "I thought so,"

He says. "You have a broken finger."

dolphan39
04-05-2002, 06:28 PM
Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King
Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession to
kiss the beautiful Queen Guinevere's sensual lips. But
he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his
colleague, Horatio, who was the King's chief
physician. Horatio said "I can arrange it, but I will
need 1,000 gold coins to pay bribes." Michael the
Dragon Master readily agreed.

The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching lotion
and poured a little of it into the Queen's toothpaste.
Soon after she brushed her teeth, the itching
commenced and grew in intensity.

Upon being called to the royal chambers, Horatio told
the King that only a special saliva, if applied for
four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that
tests had shown such a saliva was only to be found in
Michael the Dragon Master's mouth.

King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master and
issued the imperial command. Michael the Dragon Master
slipped the antidote to the itching lotion, which
Horatio had given him, into his mouth and for the next
four hours kissed the Queen passionately.

Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found
Horatio demanding payment. However, with his obsession
now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and
shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never
report this matter to the King.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the
same itching lotion onto King Arthur's loincloth. And
Michael the Dragon Master was again summoned by the
King.

Moral of the story: Pay your bills.

dolphan39
04-05-2002, 06:29 PM
AGE GAUGES: http://www.frontiernet.net/~cdm/age1.html

dolphan39
04-06-2002, 11:40 AM
From the Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason. The best submissions:

SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

TIRE: Male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it. . . and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL: Female. . . Ha!. . . you thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

dolfan06
04-06-2002, 01:17 PM
german has male, female and neuter words.

a fraulein, is a young woman, and its female!

a frau, is a married woman and its nueter!:D

dolphan39
04-11-2002, 09:08 AM
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument, and before he went to work, the doctor shouted,. "And another thing. . . You're lousy in bed!"

Feeling bad about the fight, he later called home to make amends, but hois wife took a long time to answer the phone. "What took you so long to answer?", he asked.

"I was in bed."

"What were you doing in bed this late?"

"Getting a second opinion."

dolphan39
04-11-2002, 09:16 AM
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan all
them kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan all the kids to
copulate
me."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own
mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win,
I'd
run over Joe's Mom, too."

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in
football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman
Einstein."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to
graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up
alphabetically by height." And "You guys pair up in groups of three,
then line up in a circle."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter
Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to
prison for three years, not Princeton."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a
color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to
spell
my name, I can still find my clothes."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of
heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the
morning regardless of what time it is."

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to
Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's
expecting
a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him,'Son,
what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I
don't know and I don't care.'"

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a
player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're
spending too much time on one subject."

Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife
on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too dadgum ugly
to kiss good-bye.

Capt. Dick
04-11-2002, 09:23 AM
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: PRICELESS!!!

dolfan06
04-11-2002, 10:46 AM
"tis better to remain silent and thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt":D

dolphan39
04-25-2002, 05:32 PM
Male comebacks to female comebacks to male pick up
lines -

Man - Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman - Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man - Really? I heard it was because everyone there
calls you a fat
slut.

Man - Is this seat empty?
Woman - Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man - There's no need to get on your knees and suck
on my c*@k just
yet, we've only just met!!!

Man - Your place or mine?
Woman - Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man - That's cool, cause after I'm done shagging
you in the back of
my car, I don't give a **** where you go.

Man - So, what do you do for a living?
Woman - I'm a female impersonator.
Man - That explains the moustache then!

Man - How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman - Unfertilised.
Man - No problem, I'll just shoot my load up your
arse.

Man - I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman - But would you stay there?
Man - Probably, cause you seem like the kind of
chick who is
impossible to shake off once you've been shagged.

Man - You're pretty
Woman - Piss off.
Man - Don't interrupt, you're pretty ugly, you fat
bitch

dolfan06
04-26-2002, 03:11 AM
some of those are kinda raw, wouldn't you say?

dolphan39
04-26-2002, 04:11 PM
Originally posted by dolfan06
some of those are kinda raw, wouldn't you say? didn't I :rolleyes: ;)

dolfan06
04-26-2002, 04:15 PM
Originally posted by dolphan39
didn't I :rolleyes: ;) i didn't read that part!

dolfan25
04-26-2002, 09:04 PM
Q. What's the smartest thing to come out of a woman's mouth?


A. Einstein's ****

dolphan39
05-17-2002, 11:46 AM
:eek:

dolfan06
05-17-2002, 12:27 PM
i know a couple of kids that are gonna have a red one if they keep that **** up!

dolphan39
05-23-2002, 08:33 AM
A shipwrecked man was barely surviving after four months on a deserted island, when one day on the beach, a gorgeous woman rowed up to the shore. "I've been on the other side of the island since my cruise ship sank," she told him.
"At least you had a rowboat wash up with you," he said.
"Oh, I made that out of palm branches and coconut trees." She explained.
"With no tools?" He asked incredulously.
"It was a simple matter of heating an unusual type of rock I found to a certain temperature in my kiln, then melting that into a forgeable iron to make the hardware." She told him. "Do you want to come see my treehouse?"
Well, did he ever! This woman had an amazing fortress, and she cooked him a delicious five-course dinner in her handmade cookware.
After dinner, she went to slip into something comfortable and came back wearing almost nothing. She gazed into his eyes and said, "We've been lonely. I'm sure there's something you want to do right now, something you've been longing for all of these months. I think you know what I mean." He couldn't believe his luck.

"You mean..." He was almost speechless. "I can check my e-mail from here?!"

dolphan39
05-23-2002, 09:40 AM
http://channels.netscape.com/ns/screen/sspreview.jsp?cat=19&i=2&img=anna_ss01.jpg&p=1&ns=0&gname=&dld=http://ftp.csi.com/software/windows/savers/anna.exe

dolfan06
05-23-2002, 10:55 AM
Originally posted by dolphan39
http://channels.netscape.com/ns/screen/sspreview.jsp?cat=19&i=2&img=anna_ss01.jpg&p=1&ns=0&gname=&dld=http://ftp.csi.com/software/windows/savers/anna.exe ya think somebody would have picked a better picture, she's actually pretty cute! slurrrp!;)

dolphan39
05-23-2002, 11:09 AM
Originally posted by dolfan06
she's actually pretty cute! slurrrp!;) that's an understatement, now if you said she has a nice forehand ;) :lol:

dolfan06
05-23-2002, 11:17 AM
Originally posted by dolphan39
that's an understatement, now if you said she has a nice forehand ;) :lol: either way, she looks good when i'm coming or going!:D

dolphan39
06-04-2002, 11:01 AM
A NY Met fan, a Chicago Cubs fan and a NY Yankee fan
were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of
booze. All of the sudden Saudi police rushed in and
arrested them. There possession of alcohol is a severe
offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of
actually being caught consuming the booze, they were
sentenced to death! However, after many months and
with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to
successfully appeal their sentence down to life
imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi
national holiday the day their trial finished, and the
extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be
released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the
whip. As they were preparing for their punishment,
the Sheikh suddenly said, "It's my first wife's
birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of
you one wish before your whipping." The Cubs fan was
first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought
about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a
pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only
lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The
Cubs fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying
with pain when the punishment was done. The Met fan
was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by
himself), and after watching the scene, said "All
Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two
pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went
through again, sending the Met fan out crying like a
little girl. The Yankees fan was the last one up (he
had finished off the crate), but before he could say
anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said,"You
support the greatest baseball team in the world, your
supporters are the best and most loyal baseball fans
in all the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thanks, your most Royal Highness," the Yankee fan
replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first
wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not
only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man,
you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an
admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you
desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is
it to be?" the Sheik asks. "Tie the Met fan to my
back

dolphan39
06-08-2002, 12:00 AM
1. Large, loft style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people whether they are employed or not.

2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts; your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

7. If you are a blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

8. Honest and hardworking policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

10. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman, but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.

11. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

12. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, provided there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

13. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off even while scuba diving.

14. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

15. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.

16. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

17. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

18. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

19. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noise in their most revealing underwear.

20. Word processors never display a cursor on the screen but will always say: "Enter password now."

21. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

22. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readout's so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

23. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

24. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

25. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is the total opposite.

26. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

dolfan06
06-08-2002, 03:27 AM
also, some bills fans with blue eyes are still full of sh!t, they're just a quart low!

dolphan39
06-19-2002, 09:10 AM
An older gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a young man with spiked hair colored orange, green, and blue.
After a few moments, the young man noticed him staring and said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild?"

The old man smiled and said, "Well, yes. I once had sex with a parrot, and I was wondering if you might be my son."

clayton83
06-27-2002, 01:49 PM
a man takes a job way out in the middle of know where. in fact it's so remote, you can't get to the next town in a days drive.

the man asks for the foreman and says, geez, this place is really out there. and nothing but guys to. what do you do for sex here?

the foreman points to barrel and says see that, go put your peni$ in the hole in the side of that barrell.

the man goes over, unzipps his fly and inserts his peni$ into the hole. next thing he knows, he is having the time of his life and then sploosh, slorsh, splat, he's going off like never before.

he returns to the foreman and says, man, that was the greatest thing i have ever experienced! can we do that everyday?

the foreman replies, everyday but wednsday.

why not wednsday the mans asks?

well, thats your day in the barrell said the foreman!!!:eek: :lol:

dolphan39
06-28-2002, 08:52 AM
Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful single daughter. So one day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces: "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man that can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"
As soon as he finished his last word there was the sound of a large SPLASH! One guy was in the pool, swimming as fast as he could, and the crowd was cheering him on. Finally he made it to the other side unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed. He said "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain, so which do you want: my daughter or the one million dollars?

The guy says "Listen I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I just want the jerk who pushed me into that pool!

clayton83
06-29-2002, 05:52 PM
Q. how do fags fake orgasms?




A. spit on each others backs!:o

dolphan39
07-09-2002, 03:44 PM
:D

dolfan06
07-10-2002, 12:00 AM
ain't it the truth!

Dfan4Life
07-11-2002, 12:37 AM
Q. How does a priest know when to go to bed?

A. When the big hand is on the little hand. :D

dolfan06
07-11-2002, 12:44 AM
man o man, thats a loaded one!

clayton83
07-11-2002, 05:53 PM
a catholic priest is walking down town one day and a hooker aproaches him and says, hey, i'll give you head for $50.00!

the nieve priest ignores her and continues on his way.

when he gets back to the church, he sees the mother superior and asks, sister, what is "head"?

she replies, 50 bucks, same as down town!!

:D :evil: :o :p :eek:


:monkey: on kiddy boffin' priests!!

clayton83
07-11-2002, 05:56 PM
Students at the LSU Med School were receiving their
first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They
were all gathered around the surgery table with the
body covered by a white sheet.

Then the professor started the class by telling them
"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important
qualities as a doctor: The first is that it is
necessary that you not be disgusted."

The Professor uncovered the sheet, stuck his finger in
the butt of the dead body, withdrew it and sucked it.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his
students. The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently
taking turns, stuck their finger in the butt of the dead body and
sucked it after withdrawing it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them
and told them: "The second important quality is
observation. I stuck the middle finger in and sucked
the index finger. Pay attention people!!!!!!!" :o

dolphan39
07-26-2002, 09:38 AM
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny, " Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

clayton83
07-26-2002, 12:45 PM
Q. what do they call an abortion in czekoslavakia?







A: a cancelled czek!!

dolfan06
07-28-2002, 09:14 PM
a cancelled czek! ewww!

clayton83
07-29-2002, 04:35 PM
A drunk stumbles out of a bar with a key in his hand. A cop sees him and approaches, saying, "Can I help you sir?" The drunk says, "Yessh! Shomebody stole my car." The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wassh at the end of thish key," the drunk replies. About that time the cop looks down and sees that the man's fly is open and his ***** is hanging out. He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" The drunk looks down and blurts out, "$hit! They got my girlfriend, too.":o

dolphan39
08-08-2002, 09:14 AM
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "They'll never catch me," he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!" he said.

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night," said the officer. :rofl:

dolphan39
08-08-2002, 10:10 AM
from http://www.certifiedbull****.com:



ANNA NICOLE SHOW DEBUTS WITH HUGE RATINGS
Rating: *** (3 out of 4 possible cow patties)

Click here to read more about this topic at Yahoo!
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&ncid=799&e=1&cid=797&u=/eo/20020806/en_tv_eo/10354


The Anna Nicole show debuted on the E! Channel Sunday night with some of the highest ratings ever seen on basic cable. Having watched this train wreck for about 10 minutes, I fear for the future...

C'mon folks, there has to be something better for us to do with our time than to watch this drivel. Or maybe not. After all, she does have really large breasts...
:lol:

dolphan39
08-09-2002, 11:42 AM
EBIT: Earnings before irregularities and tampering.
CEO: Chief embezzlement officer.
CFO: Corporate fraud officer.
NAV: Normal Andersen valuation.
FRS: Fantasy reporting standards.
P/E: Parole entitlement.
EPS: Eventual prison sentence.
BULL MARKET: A random market movement causing an investor to
mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET: A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no
allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
MOMENTUM INVESTING: The fine art of buying high and selling low.
VALUE INVESTING: The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER: What my broker has made me.
"BUY, BUY": A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.
STANDARD & POOR: Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST: Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets
equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER: A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
MARKET CORRECTION: The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO: What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS 2000: What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo at $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR: Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT: Religious guy who talks to God.

dolphan39
09-05-2002, 05:39 PM
Can you help in this time of great need?
Since September 11, 2001, Americans have come together as never before in
our generation. We have banded together to overcome tremendous adversity.
We
have weathered direct attacks on our own soil, wars overseas, corporate
scandal, layoffs, unemployment, stock price plunges, droughts, fires, and a
myriad of economic and physical disasters both great and small. But now, we
must come together once again to overcome our greatest challenge yet.

Hundreds of Major League Baseball players in our very own nation are living
at, just below, or in most cases far above the seven-figure salary level.
And as if that weren't bad enough they could be deprived of their
life-giving pay for several months, possibly longer, as a result of the
upcoming strike situation. But you can help!

For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that's less than the cost of
a large screen projection TV) you can help a MLB player remain economically
viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the
problem as it barely covers the annual minimum salary, but it's a start,
and
every little bit will help!

Although $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, to a baseball player
it could mean the difference between spending the strike golfing in Florida
or on a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing
more
than a month's rent, half a mortgage payment, two unemployment checks, or a
month of medical insurance with COBRA, but to a baseball player, $700 will
partially replace his daily salary.

Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable a player to buy that
home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari,
or
enjoy a weekend in Rio.

HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?

Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you
sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate,
and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. Plus, upon
signing up for this program, you will receive an unsigned photo of the
player lounging during the strike on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean
(for
a signed photo, please include an additional $150). Put the photo on your
refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.

HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING?

Your MLB player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to
help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will
be
able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator in case
additional funds are needed for unforeseen expenses.

YES, I WANT TO HELP!

I would like to sponsor a striking MLB player. My preference is checked
below:

[ ] Infielder
[ ] Outfielder
[ ] Starting Pitcher
[ ] Ace Pitcher
[ ] Entire team (Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a
specific team - $10 per minute)
[ ] Alex Rodriguez (Higher cost: $60,000 per day)

Please charge the account listed below $694.50 per day for the player for
the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have
sponsored, along with an Alex Rodriguez 2001 Income Statement and my very
own Donald Fehr MLB Players Union pin to wear proudly on my hat (include
$80
for hat).

Your Name: _______________________

Telephone Number: ____________________

Account Number: _____________________

Exp.Date:_______

[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Discover

Signature: _______________________

Alternate card (when the primary card exceeds its credit limit):

Account Number: _____________________Exp.Date:_______

[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Discover

Signature: _______________________

Mail completed form to MLB Players Union or call 1-900-F-THE-FANS now to
enroll by phone ($10 per minute).

:jk:

dolphan39
09-06-2002, 09:53 AM
You live in California when... 1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell
phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it
will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You live in New York City when... 1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State
Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus
Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature,"
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language
makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You live in upstate New York when... 1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and
construction.

You live in the Deep South when... 1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."Ya’ll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are
ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty
Jean, etc.

You live in Colorado when... 1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops
at the day care center.
3.A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.

You live in the Midwest when... 1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was
different!"

You live in Florida when... 1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
 
 
 

dolphan39
10-09-2002, 02:26 PM
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She replied that she did not know, but this piece had always been there.

He gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

He then took her over to another car which had it hood up and
asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

(see attachment)

dolphan39
10-25-2002, 08:54 AM
(1) Who was the first person to look at a cow and
say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever
comes out"?

(2) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns
the toast to a
horrible crisp which no decent human being would
eat?

(3) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in
the freezer?

(4) If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is
there a song about
him?

(5) Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the
carpool lane?

(6) If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a
radio out of
coconut,
why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

(7) Why do people point to their wrist when asking
for the time, but
don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the
bathroom is?

(8) Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get
undressed if
they are
going to look up there anyway?

(9) Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains
on all fours?
They're
both dogs!

(10) What do you call male ballerinas?

(11) Can blind people see their dreams? Do they
dream??

(12) Why Are Trix only for kids?

(13) If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all
that Acme crap,
why
didn't he just buy dinner?

(14) Why is a person that handles your money called
a 'Broker'?

(15) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

(16) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable
oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

(17) If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman
is there to hear
him,
is he still wrong?

(18) Why is it that when someone tells you that
there are over a
billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they
tell you there
is wet
paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

(19) If electricity comes from electrons, does
morality come from
morons?
(20) Is Disney World the only people trap operated
by a mouse?

(21) Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle
Little Star have
the
same tune?

(22) Do illiterate people get the full effect of
Alphabet Soup?

(23) Did you ever notice that when you blow in a
dog's face, he gets
mad
at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he
sticks his head out
the
window?

Chubby
10-25-2002, 06:56 PM
Have you ever seen a Pink Elephant Hiding in an Apple Tree?

Chubby
10-25-2002, 06:57 PM
Have you ever seen a Pink Elephant Hiding in an Apple Tree? SEE HOW GOOD THEY HIDE?