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Scrap
10-01-2003, 03:25 PM
Mrs. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell her that
her husband's been in a terrible automobile accident. She
rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says her husband's
been in an accident. They tell her Dr. Smith is handling the
case. They page the doctor. He comes out into the waiting room
to see a terribly upset Mrs. Jones.

"Mrs. Jones?" the doctor asks.

"Yes, doctor, what's happened? How is my husband?"

The doctor sits next to her and says, "Not good news, I'm
afraid. Your husband's accident resulted in two fractures of
his spine."

"Oh my God!" says Mrs. Jones, "What is the prognosis?"

"Well, Mrs. Jones, the good news is his vital signs are stable.
However, his spine is inoperable. He'll have no motor skills
or capability. This means you will have to feed him."

Mrs. Jones begins to sob...

"And you'll have to turn him in his bed every two hours to
prevent pneumonia."

Mrs. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly...

"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper
him as he'll have no control over his bladder and, of course,
these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."

Mrs. Jones begins to shake as she cries, sobs, wails... The
doctor continues:

"And you'll have to clean up his feces on a regular basis,
as he'll have no control over his sphincters. His bowels will
engorge whenever and quite often, I'm afraid. Of course, you
must clean him immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid
effluent he'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mrs. Jones is convulsing, sobbing uncontrollably and
beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then, Dr. Smith reaches out his hand, pats Mrs. Jones on
the shoulder, and says,

"Hey, I'm just messing with you. He's dead."

inFINSible
10-01-2003, 05:30 PM
:lol:.....good one.

How about this one.....just when you think you've heard all the blonde jokes.....What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?


Run like he//.....she's got a grenade in her mouth!

inFINSible
10-01-2003, 05:37 PM
A farmer decided to take his wife with him to a cattle auction.

Before the auction they were looking at the different bulls that would later be for sale.

When they got to the first bull there was a sign that said "This bull mated 55 times last year"....the wife turns to her husband and says, " 55 times....you could learn something from that bull."

On the next cage the sign said, "this bull mated 125 times last year".....the wife again turned to her husband and said, "125 times! That's over twice a week! You could definately learn something from this bull."

The next sign almost gave the woman a heart attack. It said, " this bull mated 365 times last year".....the woman was beside herself, "365 times!!!.....That's EVERYDAY!!....Oh my God!! You SHOULD learn something from THIS bull!!"

The farmer turned to his wife and said calmly, " Go find out if it was 365 times with the same cow."

Scrap
10-02-2003, 06:58 AM
:lol: :lol:

inFINSible
10-03-2003, 01:05 PM
Three blondes walk into a bar....you'd think one of them would have seen it.

M-REAL
10-03-2003, 02:02 PM
:lol: :lol: :lol:

Miamian
10-05-2003, 10:54 AM
A joke I heard from a jovial train conductor one afternoon:

In response to terrorist threats, the CIA began training civilians to recognize suspects. A trainer showed a picture of a man's profile to three people. The first one said "that man has only one eye." The trainer said, "it's a profile." Rolling his eyes, the trainer then showed the picture to the next person who said "that man has only one ear." Nearly exasperated, the trainer exclaimed "it's a profile!" Shaking his head in disbelief he turns to the third person who says "that man wears contact lenses." The trainer, taken aback, smiles broadly and says you're right he does wear contacts. How did you know? The man answered "with only one eye and one ear he couldn't wear glasses."

Sofa_King_Drunk
10-06-2003, 03:18 PM
What's the difference between that blimp you see flying over sporting events and 365 blowjobs?











One's a Goodyear, the other's a GREAT year.