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Amars
02-08-2009, 03:41 AM
Well many may know me. I've been on finheaven for years and some know that I have 2 little girls and have a family. Well the last 2 months Me and my fiance are seperating and may be beyond repair. We been together for 8years. I having a tough time coping with this because obviously I love her but also because of my daughters (5yrs old and 1yrs old). Just looking for some advice from people who have been married/long term relationship and divorced/seperated and had children. Mainly the most difficult thing is leaving. I have no real place to go where I wont be a bother and my daughters cry for me when Im not home (from previous time I have tried to leave). I still love my fiance but I cannot be with her anymore.

Blackocrates
02-08-2009, 04:14 AM
Man that definitely sounds like a rough situation. I'm sorry that you're going through it. You sound like you have your head on straight, so I think deep down you know what to do.

My only advice is to try your best to keep an amicable relationship with your ex. This will benefit you in many ways in the future. It will allow you to have the best relationship with your girls. It's healthy for them if they see their two parents getting along, even if you're not living with them.

As far as moving out, it's not a bad thing to stay with somebody until you get on your own two feet. Friends and family understand, things like this happen. Try to live close enough to your daughters so you can frequently see them. In the mean time call them often and stay positive. When they get sad tell them to think about the next time they will see you and all the stuff you are going to do with them. Like taking them to the park, etc. Find fun things to do with them. Don't bad mouth their mom. Tell them you love them and show them a lot of love. It's going to be bad in the beginning for everybody but everyone will adjust to it. It's better in the long run for your daughters to have a healthy environment, they just won't understand it in the beginning.

As far as getting over your ex. There's no remedy for that except time. It's going to burn and hurt for a while and you're just going to have to swallow it. We've all been there in some fashion. Rebounds aren't healthy, avoid at all cost. Focus your energy on your daughters, and getting back on your feet. Oddly enough this is a new beginning. As bad as it sounds it's a great opportunity. You can change things that you do not like that's in your life. You now have the opportunity to have a new attitude on life, make the best of it and make it positive. It may take a while and there will be growing pains but if you stay the course you will be better for it.

All of you will make it through this tough time. Continue to do the right thing and always seek out the healthiest solutions and you will come out on top.

Amars
02-08-2009, 04:48 AM
**** man i can't believe this **** is happening. I've been dealing with this for 2+ months. Im so emotionally drained. Cant eat or sleep. I've lost 15lbs since Nov. Been seeing a shrink for the past month. It just very overwhelming. I just need to get out of this house.

Blackocrates
02-08-2009, 05:22 AM
**** man i can't believe this **** is happening. I've been dealing with this for 2+ months. Im so emotionally drained. Cant eat or sleep. I've lost 15lbs since Nov. Been seeing a shrink for the past month. It just very overwhelming. I just need to get out of this house.

The sooner you get out of an unhealthy environment the sooner you can start to heal and get on with your life. I don't envy what you are going through, I know it's tough though. I don't have any kids so I imagine that greatly multiplies the problem.

I hate to sound cheesy but just try your best to keep your head up. Try your best to come up with something positive for the day. Whether it's doing something productive or just a slight change in your attitude. Little victories count during times like this.

Lean on your daughters love. They'll lean on yours. Kids have an uncanny way of letting you forget all of your troubles.

Try your best to have a working relationship with your ex. and the break up will go by smoother and the pain will wash away faster.

Don't go down the wrong path. Don't drink yourself numb, etc. It'll just prolong your pain. The healthy way to face your problems is head on, unfortunately it's also the most painful. But remember it'll all pass soon.

WVDolphan
02-08-2009, 09:51 AM
**** man i can't believe this **** is happening. I've been dealing with this for 2+ months. Im so emotionally drained. Cant eat or sleep. I've lost 15lbs since Nov. Been seeing a shrink for the past month. It just very overwhelming. I just need to get out of this house.

Been there bro. Im too sleepy right now or I would offer some advice.

CedarPhin
02-08-2009, 10:25 AM
Sounds like a rough situation. Hopefully things get better for you.

Amars
02-09-2009, 01:18 AM
The sooner you get out of an unhealthy environment the sooner you can start to heal and get on with your life. I don't envy what you are going through, I know it's tough though. I don't have any kids so I imagine that greatly multiplies the problem.

I hate to sound cheesy but just try your best to keep your head up. Try your best to come up with something positive for the day. Whether it's doing something productive or just a slight change in your attitude. Little victories count during times like this.

Lean on your daughters love. They'll lean on yours. Kids have an uncanny way of letting you forget all of your troubles.

Try your best to have a working relationship with your ex. and the break up will go by smoother and the pain will wash away faster.

Don't go down the wrong path. Don't drink yourself numb, etc. It'll just prolong your pain. The healthy way to face your problems is head on, unfortunately it's also the most painful. But remember it'll all pass soon.


Thanks man for the advice. I hardly drink anymore since my daughter was born. I thought about going to the bar but passed on that because that wouldnt solve anything.

Dolphan7
02-10-2009, 02:37 AM
Amars, Swords advice is probably the best there is on this tough situation. The only thing I would add is to always keep your word to your kids, and your ex. And don't let the kids be used as a pawn to get back or influence the other person.

Without getting into the details, have you considered counseling for the two of you?

d-day
02-10-2009, 02:53 AM
Well many may know me. I've been on finheaven for years and some know that I have 2 little girls and have a family. Well the last 2 months Me and my fiance are seperating and may be beyond repair. We been together for 8years. I having a tough time coping with this because obviously I love her but also because of my daughters (5yrs old and 1yrs old). Just looking for some advice from people who have been married/long term relationship and divorced/seperated and had children. Mainly the most difficult thing is leaving. I have no real place to go where I wont be a bother and my daughters cry for me when Im not home (from previous time I have tried to leave). I still love my fiance but I cannot be with her anymore.

i don't have a lot of advice for you, amars but you are a good guy and you deserve to be happy - guess you got to realize that there is no "right" decision and no matter what you decide, there's going to be pro's and con's associated with each choice - the trick is, after you make your decision, to stayed focused on all the pro's of it - it's all you can do

GoonBoss
02-10-2009, 03:04 AM
Good advice thusfar.

I've been married twice. First one lasted a year to the day with no kids. This one is 13 years so far and three boys.

If you feel comfortable shareing; What are the issues you are faceing as to why you need to go? Can they be worked on? As 7 mentioned, there are professional services to help. Personally, head shrinking never worked for me, but, it might for you.

Keep in mind that if you do go that your ex will eventually get over you. She will get into other relationships, and, maybe even get married. It's going to be tough.

As has been stated; Always keep your word to your kids. Always. Never talk in negative terms about your ex if you can possibly help it. This goes hand in hand with telling the truth. Always use neutral talk that isn't a lie if there is something negative that you can't or won't sugar-coat.

Amars
03-02-2009, 04:10 AM
Update: I no longer live at my place. Moved in with a friend. I hope I dont wear out my welcome. I feel like a ton of bricks have been lifted off my shoulders. Im able to sleep and eat somewhat. I miss my girls like crazy. I see them 4 times a week and they spend every weekend with me. It's funny how when you become single all of a sudden woman from your past show up.

CedarPhin
03-02-2009, 04:29 AM
Nice to know that things are working out a little bit for you. Always a tough situation.

Dolphan7
03-02-2009, 12:49 PM
Update: I no longer live at my place. Moved in with a friend. I hope I dont wear out my welcome. I feel like a ton of bricks have been lifted off my shoulders. Im able to sleep and eat somewhat. I miss my girls like crazy. I see them 4 times a week and they spend every weekend with me. It's funny how when you become single all of a sudden woman from your past show up.It is an inborn homing beacon unique to the human female species. :lol:

Amars
03-02-2009, 04:03 PM
It is an inborn homing beacon unique to the human female species. :lol:

hey trust me she keep my mind sane among other things.

Amars
03-22-2009, 04:27 PM
WTF

I dont understand woman. Now my ex wants to work things out. Now that I start F****** other woman she pulls this crap. She must smell the lingering smell of other woman on me. Seriously woman are F'n nuts. I told one the girls im going out with about this and she said she will be my mistress. Damn I dont know what to do.

poornate
03-22-2009, 05:56 PM
Wow... what a turnaround... from love to lethargy to lust in one month... It all sounds real healthy to me... :wink:

playmaker1
03-22-2009, 06:25 PM
Well I hope things are working out bro. It has to be tough with kids.

Amars, you were one of the first guys I remember on this site when I joined years ago. Very smart, and a lot of fun.

I myself just came back to Finheaven in the last few weeks after taking off around a year from even loggin on. Why, I went through a divorce. I guess I'll call myself lucky sense there were no kids involved. But we were together for over 6 years, and only been married for 10 months when I put two and two together that she was sleeping around on me. I called her on it and even tried to go into therapy and work it out. She dropped the bomb that she was leaving me for her bosses' son. I went into very bad depression, and did end up seeing someone over it. I was lucky that I met some new friends that have helped me through this. I moved here for her, so really have no family or fiends in the area.

If I can give you any advice, it is to get in together, and even separate and talk with someone. You will find out things about yourself, and hopefully about each other. You are fortunate that she is willing to work on things, and it sounds like you also would like to resurrect things. I hope the best. I know I was not that lucky. You have obviously been together for a long time, there has to be something to rebuild on. I'm sure someone will be able to help.

I hope that all of us on here can be here for you if need be. Good luck buddy. Things like this are never easy, but do know you have a lot of people in your corner for support.

Amars
03-22-2009, 09:30 PM
thanks playmaker.

The irony of the situation. I stop dating this girl in 2000 so I can start seeing my ex. I consider my ex a upgrade in everyway. When me and my ex split (about 4mo already) I needed to get over her so I started to see this old girl friend from 8year ago. She got work done and definately has blossomed and is hott. Now she sprung on me and Im going to leave her again for the same girl. Damn. I hate looking like the bad guy.

Amars
03-22-2009, 09:31 PM
Wow... what a turnaround... from love to lethargy to lust in one month... It all sounds real healthy to me... :wink:

Trust me im more confused now then ever.

poornate
03-22-2009, 09:57 PM
There is nothing confusing about it... it is terribly human, though... but don't feel bad... we are all terribly human. It sounds like it worked out the way you wanted... whatever your conflict was seems to be at least partially resolved (except for the uncomfortable sex with another girl conversation you are going to have to have)... you have the person you love returning to you in a contrite manner AFTER you got to have a final fling... wasn't that the inner plan? Or am I reading to much into this?

PhinzN703
03-23-2009, 04:18 PM
Trust me im more confused now then ever.

Hope it'll work out for you though man. Least the Lakers will give you a good chance to experience a title this year :D