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Bumpus
07-10-2009, 01:14 PM
Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?

A: Beat it - we're closed.

Bumpus
07-10-2009, 01:16 PM
Q: What's black & blue, and hates sex?

A: ... That girl in my trunk.

Bumpus
07-10-2009, 01:18 PM
Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?

A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, & moaning, "Lie to me!"

JT-forpresident
07-10-2009, 01:25 PM
Q: how many "emo-s" does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: none, they prefer crying in the dark

Bumpus
07-10-2009, 01:38 PM
Anyone heard this riddle? (it's NOT the obvious answer)
... Post the answer when you figure it out ...



This tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches long ...

The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes ...

Is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action ...

It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other ...

In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements ...

Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements ...

When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surface of the opening and some from it's long, glistening shaft ...

After everything is done, and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to it's freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching it's bristling climax two or three times per day, but often much less ...

What am I?

poornate
07-10-2009, 01:39 PM
Electric toothbrush?

Bumpus
07-10-2009, 01:45 PM
:lol:
Damn, that was quick.

Bumpus
07-10-2009, 01:49 PM
Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?

A: 1 US leader.



Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?

A: She's withholding evidence.

Bumpus
07-10-2009, 02:07 PM
Q: What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

A: "Dam"

Bumpus
07-10-2009, 02:46 PM
Four friends are breezing through their Calculus class. They are doing so well that they decided studying for the final would be a waste of time. Instead, they chose to take a road trip to another friend's birthday party the weekend before exams. Unfortunately, they get too drunk at the party and oversleep. By the time they wake up hungover on Monday morning, the exam is already over.

They go to see the professor and offer the explaination that they were at a friend's birthday party and suffered a flat tire at 5:30 am while on route to school for his exam. They had no spare, and were traveling on back roads. To make matters worse there was no cell coverage so they were stuck until someone happened by.

The professor graciously accepted their excuse and offered to allow them to retake the exam the following morning, as clearly this was not their fault.

When the four showed up to take the exam, they found that the professor had set out their tests in the corners of a rather large lecture hall, so that there would be absolutely no chance to cheat even if they had wanted to.

They sit down and confidently begin to work. The first question (5 points out of 100) is relatively straightforward, and all 4 are able to complete it without difficulty.

When the first of them finishes the problem, he turns the page of the exam booklet and reads ...

Problem Two (95 points out of 100):
Which tire went flat?

Bumpus
07-10-2009, 02:53 PM
Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets home from the battered women's shelter?

A: The dishes, if she's smart.

ih8brady
07-10-2009, 06:35 PM
Four friends are breezing through their Calculus class. They are doing so well that they decided studying for the final would be a waste of time. Instead, they chose to take a road trip to another friend's birthday party the weekend before exams. Unfortunately, they get too drunk at the party and oversleep. By the time they wake up hungover on Monday morning, the exam is already over.

They go to see the professor and offer the explaination that they were at a friend's birthday party and suffered a flat tire at 5:30 am while on route to school for his exam. They had no spare, and were traveling on back roads. To make matters worse there was no cell coverage so they were stuck until someone happened by.

The professor graciously accepted their excuse and offered to allow them to retake the exam the following morning, as clearly this was not their fault.

When the four showed up to take the exam, they found that the professor had set out their tests in the corners of a rather large lecture hall, so that there would be absolutely no chance to cheat even if they had wanted to.

They sit down and confidently begin to work. The first question (5 points out of 100) is relatively straightforward, and all 4 are able to complete it without difficulty.

When the first of them finishes the problem, he turns the page of the exam booklet and reads ...

Problem Two (95 points out of 100):
Which tire went flat?


That's why you gotta make an alibi and stick to it! :lol:

Flip Tanneflop
07-11-2009, 11:07 PM
Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets home from the battered women's shelter?

A: The dishes, if she's smart.

:lol2: I think it takes a West Virginian to appreciate that joke bro. :hi5: :lol: :crazy:

Possum
07-12-2009, 03:13 AM
Q: What does a blonde do after she combs her hair?

A: She pulls up her pants.

Possum
07-12-2009, 03:16 AM
Q: What do you say to a woman with a blackeye?

A: Nothing, she heard you the first time.

X-Pacolypse
07-12-2009, 12:38 PM
A ham sandwich walks into a bar, the sandwich hops up onto the barstool and the bartender looks at him and says: "Hey buddy, this is a bar. We don't serve ham sandwiches here."

X-Pacolypse
07-12-2009, 12:41 PM
A grasshopper walks into a bar and takes a seat, the guy next to him looks at him and says: "Hey, did you know that you have a drink named after you?" The grasshopper somewhat stunned by this news looks at the guy and says: "Really? I didn't know that they made a drink called the 'Larry.'"

GCD960
07-12-2009, 06:18 PM
A pedophile and a little girl walk into a forest. After walking for a few minutes, the little girl says: Its dark and scary in here. The pedophile says: YOU, i have to walk back alone.

CashInFist
07-12-2009, 06:22 PM
2 Catholics died and went to Heaven, when they entered the Pearly Gates ST Peter lead them on a guided tour, while exploring Heaven the Catholics noticed a HUGE WALL and asked ST Peter, "WHat is that for?", ST Peter replies, "SHHHHHH...", "That's the Baptists, they think they are the only ones up here"...

Finfang
07-12-2009, 09:46 PM
A 43 year old woman gets a face lift so feeling all good about herself decides to test it out. She walks into the bank and asks the teller, how old do you think I am? She replies oh about 35. The woman tells the girl she is 43 and thanks her.

The woman then walks into McDonalds and while ordering asks the cashier how old do you think I am? The young man says about 36. She tells the guy I am 43 and smiles. The woman is feeling fantastic at this point. Thanks her cashier, eats and is off to catch the bus.

While on the bus she turns and asks a man sitting next to her, how old do you think I am. The man says well I have this little trick that I can do to tell how old you are. All I have to do is stick my hand down the front of your panties and I will know. Reluctantly the woman agrees. After performing his little trick the man says you are exactly 43 years old. The woman is in disbelief. That was amazing how did you know that?

The man replies

It was easy. I was standing in line behind you at McDonalds! :rimshot:

Bumpus
07-13-2009, 05:25 PM
A married couple is playing a round of golf on vacation. The husband tees off and slices the ball through a window of a house lining the fairway. The couple sheepishly approach the house to apologize and pay for the damages.

They knock on the door, and hear "Come in." They enter to find a man in robes seated on the couch and broken glass scattered on the floor.

The husband begins to studder out and apology, but he is cut off..

"The glass at your feet is the shattered remains on my former prison. I have been trapped within that lamp for the past 1,000 years. For freeing my from my bonds, I shall grant you two wishes."

The husband points out that genies are supposed to give three wishes.

"True. But, I am no longer bound by the lamp. As a reward for setting me free, I will grant you two wishes, but the final wish belongs to me."

The husband immediately wishes for his PGA Tour card. His wife slaps him in the head. He tries to calm his wife by explaining that he'll be able to make tons of cash on tour.

The irate wife announces that she'll take the second wish. She wishes for a fully staffed mansion on both coasts, in Paris, in Rome, and in Rio.

"For the third wish ... I wish to have sex with your wife."

She is not amused, but her husband pleads with her to do it by reminding her what they'll be getting in return. She eventually agrees, and goes off into the other room with him.

After they finish having sex, he rolls off of her, looks her in the eye, and says ...






"Isn't your husband a little old to be believing in genies?"

BobDole
07-13-2009, 09:48 PM
what happens when you put a baby in the microwave?

i don't know, i was too busy masturbating.

BobDole
07-13-2009, 09:48 PM
what's the difference between a dead baby and a cadillac?

i don't have a cadillac in my garage.

Bumpus
07-13-2009, 09:53 PM
Q: Why did the dead baby cross the road?

A: Because it was stapled to the chicken.



... was that wrong?

BobDole
07-13-2009, 09:54 PM
Q: Why did the dead baby cross the road?

A: Because it was stapled to the chicken.



... was that wrong?

wrong? no. funny? yup.

i've got some really bad ones - we'll see how raunchy this thread gets.

Bumpus
07-13-2009, 09:59 PM
What's gross?
- 1,000 dead babies in a pile.

What's grosser than gross?
- 1,000 dead babies in a pile, & one eating it's way out.




... It's on!

BobDole
07-13-2009, 10:01 PM
what's grosser than gross? 100 babies in a dumpster.

what's grosser than that? 1 baby in 100 dumpsters.

fatkirstyalley
07-14-2009, 11:08 AM
what happens when you put a baby in the microwave?

i don't know, i was too busy masturbating.
DUDE!

fatkirstyalley
07-14-2009, 11:10 AM
Whats the difference between a truck load of Bowling Balls and a truckload of dead babies?

You cant unload bowling balls with a pitchfork

BARF
07-14-2009, 11:16 AM
a married couple are in an insane asylum, the husband is in the pool drowning the wife jumps in to save him, they tell the wife that she medically cleared to go and they signed off on all the papers, the next day they tell the wife that they found the husband and he hung himself, the wife replies with oh no that was me, i hung him out dry

BARF
07-14-2009, 11:18 AM
come on guys dead baby jokes? thats cruel

fatkirstyalley
07-14-2009, 11:33 AM
come on guys dead baby jokes? thats cruel
youre right, dead baby jokes are classless. Here is one of my finer jokes.

What do you call a tree that knows karate?

A......wait for it......Spruce Lee!

Bumpus
07-14-2009, 01:46 PM
Q: What do you call an Ethiopian walking a dog?

A: A vegetarian.



Q: What do you call an Ethiopian walking two dogs?

A: A caterer.

X-Pacolypse
07-14-2009, 06:10 PM
Q. What is the difference between a politician and a catfish?

A. One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder, while the other is a fish.

BobDole
07-14-2009, 09:37 PM
come on guys dead baby jokes? thats cruel

what's the worst part about killing a baby?

getting blood on your clown suit.

is that better? :lol:

BARF
07-14-2009, 10:59 PM
what's the worst part about killing a baby?

getting blood on your clown suit.

is that better? :lol:

not funny bro

Bobby Humphrey
07-15-2009, 12:39 AM
Q. What do you call a fly with no wings?

A. A walk.

Bumpus
07-15-2009, 01:13 AM
Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but before accepting Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she had suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.

However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said ... "I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."

She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis."

Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another ...

As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room!

Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!", she said.

"Yes it is ... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!!"

Bumpus
07-15-2009, 01:26 AM
A man goes into a repair shop to get his watch fixed. But when he sees that the girl running the shop is extremely hot, he unzips his pants and lays his johnson on the counter.

"Sir, what are you doing? This is a clock shop!" the shocked girl shouts.

"I know," he replies. "I'd like to get a pair of hands and a face put on this."

Bumpus
07-15-2009, 01:46 AM
A husband and wife are sharing a bottle of wine when the husband says, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

The wife thinks for a few moments, then says "Your dick is bigger than your brother's."

Bumpus
07-15-2009, 01:50 AM
Q: Whats the worst thing about rollerblading?

A: Telling your parents you're gay.

Bumpus
07-15-2009, 02:38 AM
Q: What do condoms and women have in common?

A: If they're not on your dick, they're in your wallet!

Bumpus
07-15-2009, 02:39 AM
Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

A: Mace will do that to you.

Bumpus
07-15-2009, 02:49 AM
Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?

A: None. It should be open when she brings it.

Bumpus
07-15-2009, 02:51 AM
Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?

A: It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Bumpus
07-15-2009, 02:52 AM
Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?

A: You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

BobDole
07-15-2009, 11:16 AM
not funny bro

oh you're no fun. i'll clean it up a little bit if that's too hardcore for your delicate sensibilities.

why do women wear white wedding dresses?

so they match the other kitchen appliances.

i was hoping this thread was gonna get dirtier rather than cleaner. i've got some serious gems. too bad. :boohoo:

Bumpus
07-15-2009, 02:16 PM
Hell, BD - I'm listening. :lol:

Farmer
07-15-2009, 04:27 PM
same here!

as for the women ones

Why dont women ski?


-Theres no snow in between the bedroom and kitchen

Bumpus
07-15-2009, 06:33 PM
Q: What's worse than ten dead babies stapled to a tree?

A: One dead baby stapled to ten trees.

Bumpus
07-16-2009, 02:54 AM
Q: What did the Chinese couple name their retarded son?

A: Sum Ting Wong.

Bumpus
07-16-2009, 02:59 AM
Q: Why do Driver's Education classes in Arkansas only use the car on Monday, Wednesday, & Friday?

A: Because on Tuesday & Thursday, Sex Ed uses it.

Bumpus
07-16-2009, 03:01 AM
Q: Why do men have trouble making eye contact?

A: Because breasts don't have eyes.

Possum
07-16-2009, 03:10 AM
Q: How do you circumcise a redneck?

A: Kick his sister in the chin.

Possum
07-16-2009, 03:11 AM
Q: Preist walks into a chinese restaurant, what does he order?

A: a pint of cumofsumyungguy

Possum
07-16-2009, 03:16 AM
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

Possum
07-16-2009, 03:18 AM
i was hoping this thread was gonna get dirtier rather than cleaner. i've got some serious gems. too bad.

well bumpus made the thread what are the rules?

Possum
07-16-2009, 03:22 AM
Priest and a Rabbi are walking down the street and they see a little kid playing basketball.

the priest turns to the rabbi and says "god, i would love to screw him."

rabbi replies "out of what?"

Bumpus
07-16-2009, 03:39 AM
A traveling salesman gets married to a beautiful young woman. Right after the wedding, he has to go back out on the road. He is concerned that his new bride may be unfaithful while he is away, so he decides to buy her a toy.

He goes to a local sex shop and looks over the dildoes in the display case. Seeing nothing that catches his eye, he prepares to leave. The owner comes out and asks him what he's looking for. The salesman explains his dilemma, and the shop keeper says, "Well ............ Nevermind ..."

The new groom asks him what he means.

"Well, we do have an item that we don't keep in the case. It's known as the Voodoo Penis." He goes in the back and returns with a wooden box. He opens the box, and inside lies an ordinary looking 7 inch dildoe.

The man sees nothing different about this one and comments upon it. The shop keeper replies that this one is truly special.

He places the box upon the counter and says, "Voodoo Penis, the keyhole ..."

The Voodoo Penis levitated up out of the box and started vigoriously plowing the keyhole until the shop keeper says, "Voodoo Penis, back in the box."

The salesman parts with all of his cash to purchase the Voodoo Penis. He hurries home to show his new bride her gift before he departs for the road. He excitedly shows her how it works before leaving.

The next morning, she wakes up horny as hell. As she begins to leaf through her black book, she decides to give her marrage a real try as she remembers the Voodoo Penis. She opens the box and says, "Voodoo Penis, my vagina."

The Voodoo Penis rises up out of the box and procedes to pound her silly. She reaches orgasm, after orgasm, after orgasm. Eventually, she realizes that she's got to get up and go to work. She tries to remove the Voodoo Penis, but fails. It simply won't stop plowing her. Shortly, she begins to panic. She shakes as she dresses herself and then stumbles to the car. She tries to drive herself to the emergency room, but predictably weaves all over the road. A police officer sees her weaving across the lanes and pulls her over.

He approaches the window and says, "Alright lady ... How much have you had to drink?" She tries to explain that she hasn't had anything to drink; that it's just this darn Voodoo Penis that won't stop fuc...

The cop cuts her off and says, "Voodoo Penis, my arse ..." :lol:

Bumpus
07-16-2009, 03:45 AM
:lol:
And, for the record, as far as I'm concerned there are no rules in this thread!

... If it gets past the filter, and still makes sense ... It's all good. Humor and taste are in the eye of the beholder.



Game On...

Possum
07-16-2009, 03:54 AM
4 terrorists drive off a cliff in a mercedes. whats the sad part?

the mercedes fits 5.

Possum
07-16-2009, 04:04 AM
Q: how do you get 100 babies into a bucket?
A: with a blender.

Q: how do you get them out again?
A: with tortilla chips.

Possum
07-16-2009, 04:06 AM
Q: what has 4 legs and one arm?
A: a doberman on a children's playground.

Bumpus
07-16-2009, 04:11 AM
:lol2:

Bumpus
07-16-2009, 04:15 AM
Confucious say:

Foolish man give wife grand piano...
Wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Is good for lady to meet guy in park...
But, better for guy to park meat in lady.

Panties not best thing on earth...
But, next to best thing on earth.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.

Possum
07-16-2009, 04:23 AM
Q: whats blue and yellow and sits at the bottom of a pool?
A: a baby with cut floaties

Q: whats red and yellow that floats at the top?
A: a cut baby with floaties.

fatkirstyalley
07-16-2009, 01:41 PM
6 vietnam vets came down with HIV all at the same time.
When asked how is that possible?
The military doctor responded....
They all landed on the same carrier

X-Pacolypse
07-16-2009, 07:55 PM
Q. What is black, white, and red all over?

A. A dead nun rolling down a hill.

X-Pacolypse
07-16-2009, 08:00 PM
Little Johnny comes running into the house and says: "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" The mom replied: "Of course not." Little Johnny runs back outside yelling to his friends: "It's okay! We can play that game again!"

X-Pacolypse
07-16-2009, 08:05 PM
Little Johnny returned home from school one day saying he got an F in math. "Why?" asked his father. Little Johnny says: "The teacher asked me: 'What is 2x3?' and I said '6.' Then she asked me "what is 3x2?"

Angry at the matter, the father replied: "What in the f*ck is the difference?!?"

Little Johnny replied: "That's exactly what I said!"

BobDole
07-16-2009, 08:41 PM
consider yourselves warned. i can't tell all the horribly offensive ones, but i'll do some.

a little girl is watching her dad shower. she points at his penis and asks 'when do i get one of those daddy?' he looks at his watch and says 'right after your mother leaves for work.'

BobDole
07-16-2009, 08:43 PM
what did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for christmas?

cancer.

BobDole
07-16-2009, 08:44 PM
what's the perfect gift for a dead baby?

a dead puppy.

BobDole
07-16-2009, 08:45 PM
what's black and sits at the top of the stairs?

stephen hawking after his house burns down.

BobDole
07-16-2009, 08:46 PM
what's the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies?

hey y'all, watch this.

BobDole
07-16-2009, 08:47 PM
what do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs?

nice rack.

BobDole
07-16-2009, 08:48 PM
that's all for now. i apologize to those who were probably offended by those terrible, terrible jokes. the sad part is, that's just the tip of the iceberg. blame bumpus.

Finfang
07-16-2009, 08:55 PM
What does a stripper do with her *** hole before she goes to work?

Drops him off at band practice.


What has three legs and an *** hole on it?

A drumstool.


What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Not a damn thing you already told her twice.

;)

BobDole
07-17-2009, 12:22 AM
what's better than raping a hooker on valentine's day?

nothing.

Bumpus
07-17-2009, 12:33 AM
ROFLMFAO!!!

WOW! Just WOW!

You are a twisted guy! :up:

Bumpus
07-17-2009, 12:45 AM
OK, the bar has definately been lowered ...

Here's one ...


Q: What is 18 inches long, stiff & makes women scream at night?

A: Crib death.

Bumpus
07-17-2009, 01:06 AM
Jesus walks into a Hilton with three nails in his hand and asks, "Can you put me up for Easter?"

Bumpus
07-17-2009, 01:08 AM
This is a visual joke ...


Get a shoe or boot and blow cigarette smoke into it ...
Q: What is that?
A: An Israeli waiting for a bus.

Bumpus
07-17-2009, 01:10 AM
Q: What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

A: Christopher Walken.

Bumpus
07-17-2009, 01:16 AM
Q: Where did Michael Jackson attend school?

A: Bringham Young

BobDole
07-17-2009, 01:28 AM
two famlies from pakistan moved to america. upon arrival, the fathers of the two families made a bet. whoever is more american in a year's time wins. a year later they meet up. the first father says, 'my son is in little league, i had burker king for breakfast, and i'm on the way to the store to pick up a case of natty. how about you?'

the second father replies 'fugg you towelhead.'

BobDole
07-17-2009, 01:31 AM
why do women fake orgasms?

who gives a fugg?

BobDole
07-17-2009, 01:33 AM
what's red and crawls up a woman's leg?

a homesick abortion.

BobDole
07-17-2009, 01:35 AM
did you know aids is actually a miracle?

yup. it turns fruits into vegetables.

Bumpus
07-17-2009, 01:41 AM
Q: What does a Cuban do when he gets a flat tire?

A: Drowns.

Possum
07-17-2009, 01:42 AM
Q: Whats black and sits in a corner?
A: A baby with its finger in a light socket.

Bumpus
07-17-2009, 01:44 AM
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle?

A: A dead poodle with an 18 inch butthole.

BobDole
07-17-2009, 01:45 AM
how does a little redneck girl know her mother is on her period?

her brother's dick tastes funny.

BobDole
07-17-2009, 01:46 AM
why are there so many battered women's shelters?

because they won't fugging listen.

Bumpus
07-17-2009, 01:49 AM
For next year's Kentucky Derby, the jockies have decided to each wear a black armband in honor of Michael Jackson - The man who rode more 3-year-olds than anyone else in history.

BobDole
07-17-2009, 01:50 AM
a man walks into his wife's room with a sheep under his arm. he says 'this is the pig i have sex with when you are asleep.' the wife replies 'i think you'll find that is a sheep.' he replies 'i think you'll find i was talking to the sheep.'

Bumpus
07-17-2009, 01:53 AM
Q: How do you make a dead baby float?

A: One part ice cream, two parts dead baby.

BobDole
07-17-2009, 01:54 AM
what's the hardest part about killing a baby?

getting rid of the erection.

Bumpus
07-17-2009, 01:57 AM
Q: What's better than winning a gold medal in the special olympics?

A: Not being retarded in the first place.

BobDole
07-17-2009, 01:59 AM
why do hookers smell like urine?

so blind people can hate them too.

BobDole
07-17-2009, 02:08 AM
what's the difference between hookers and onions?

you don't cry when you chop up hookers.

BobDole
07-17-2009, 02:09 AM
what's the difference between a homosexual and my bike?

it's not funny when you throw my bike off a bridge.

Ricky4Life
07-17-2009, 02:11 AM
There is a black guy and a mexican in the back of a cop car, who is driving??

Neither, the cop is.

BobDole
07-17-2009, 02:14 AM
what's the difference between sand and menstrual blood?

i can't gargle sand.

BobDole
07-17-2009, 02:15 AM
what do you call the worthless skin outside of the vagina?

a woman.

Ricky4Life
07-17-2009, 02:16 AM
It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year- old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"
He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running."
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "You must be quite a man."
He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil, this one's black."

Ricky4Life
07-17-2009, 02:17 AM
Mr. Johnson got a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open."
He did not understand her remark, but later on, he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw that my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary replied, "Why no, sir, all I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

Ricky4Life
07-17-2009, 02:19 AM
Three old black ladies were getting ready to take a plane trip across the ocean. The first lady said, "I don't know about y'all, but I'm gonna wear hot pink underwear before I get on that plane."
"Why?" the other two asked.
The first replied, "Because, if that plane is gonna crash, and I'm out there laying butt-up in a corn field, they're going to see my ***."
The second lady said, "Well, I'm going to wear some fluorescent orange underwear."
"Why?" the others asked.
The second lady answered, "Because if this plane is going to crash and I'm floating butt-up in the ocean, they're gonna see my ***."
The third old lady said, "Well, I'm not going to wear any underwear."
"What? No underwear!" the others said in disbelief.
"That's right, you heard me. I'm not wearing any underwear," the third lady said, "because if this plane crashes, they're going to look for the black box first."

Bumpus
07-17-2009, 02:19 AM
Q: How many dead babies does it take to paint a room?

A: Depends on how hard you throw them.

BobDole
07-17-2009, 02:20 AM
what's the best part about getting a ******* from a somalian?

you know she swallows.

Bumpus
07-17-2009, 02:23 AM
Q: What will it take to get a Beatles reunion?

A: Two bullets.

Possum
07-17-2009, 02:23 AM
How many babies does it take to wallpaper a room?

depends on how thin you slice them.

Bumpus
07-17-2009, 02:28 AM
Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your whole week

Ricky4Life
07-17-2009, 02:29 AM
Whats long, black, and smelly???

The unemployment line.

Bumpus
07-17-2009, 02:30 AM
Q: Why wouldn't JFK make a good boxer?

A: The guy can't even take one shot to the head.

Bumpus
07-17-2009, 02:32 AM
Q: What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?

A: Their last big hit was the wall.

Bumpus
07-17-2009, 02:33 AM
Q: How do you know if you have a high sperm count?

A: Your girlfriend has to chew.

Ricky4Life
07-17-2009, 02:34 AM
What do a hurricane, a tornado, and a redneck divorce all have in common?

Someone's going to lose their trailer...

Ricky4Life
07-17-2009, 02:36 AM
A young black boy goes into the kitchen where his mother is baking. He puts his hands in the flour and coats his face with it. He looks at his mother and says "Look Momma, I'm a white boy." His mother slaps him hard on the face and says "Boy, go show your Daddy." The boy goes into the living room and says "Look Daddy, I'm a white boy." His Daddy slaps him on the face, too and says, "Boy, go show your grandmother." So the boy goes to see his grandma and says "Look Granny, I'm a white boy." She slaps him on the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says "Well, did you learn something from all this?" The boy shakes his head and says "I sure nuff did, I've only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people".

BobDole
07-17-2009, 02:48 AM
last one for the day.

a couple is having sex doggystyle. the guy gets bored and decides to stick it in her butt. the girl says 'that's mighty presumptuous of you.' the guy replies 'presumptuous? well, isn't that a big word for a 10 year old.'

if i'm still alive tomorrow, i'll post some more.

Bumpus
07-17-2009, 02:50 AM
Q: What do you do after raping a deaf, dumb, blind girl?

A: Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone.

Bumpus
07-17-2009, 02:53 AM
:lol:
I agree BD. 4-5 pages of we're definately going to hell is enough for one night.
:lol:

BobDole
07-17-2009, 02:55 AM
:lol:
I agree BD. 4-5 pages of we're definately going to hell is enough for one night.
:lol:

i know so many more too. i've got problems. :lol:

Flip Tanneflop
07-17-2009, 05:09 AM
Did you know Jesus used to play hockey? Yea. He had to quit though. He got nailed into the boards.

fatkirstyalley
07-17-2009, 07:45 AM
Why are black people so tall?

Because their Knee Grows.

*****FKA doesnt necessarily approve of such comments...but it is funnier than hell IMO

BobDole
07-17-2009, 12:59 PM
how many emo kids does it take to change a light bulb?

3. 1 to change it and 2 to write poems about how they miss the old one.

BobDole
07-17-2009, 12:59 PM
what's the difference between a dead baby and an emo kid?

dead babies don't cry.

Bumpus
07-17-2009, 01:53 PM
Q: What do Iraqis and Fred Flintstone have in common?

A: They both wake up in the morning and say hi to rubble.

Bumpus
07-17-2009, 02:10 PM
A little boy wakes up on Christmas morning, and goes downstairs to find a wealth of presents under the tree. The little boy can barely contain his excitement as he opens present after present and gets everything he could possibly ever want ... A bike, a puppy, a PlayStation3 with all the games, tons of candy, etc. His parents then tell him that they have one more suprise for him ... In the fall he's going to have a little brother.

He is so excited that, after breakfast, he runs over to his best friend's house to share this awesome day's news. When he arrives, he asks his buddy what he got for Christmas. The friend replies, "A new winter coat, some socks, couple sweaters, etc." Then the little boy tells his friend about all of his loot.

His pal looks dejectedly at his parents and then mutters with his head hung low...




"Man, I wish I had leukemia."

Bumpus
07-17-2009, 02:28 PM
A little boy is standing at the top of a cliff crying his eyes out. A priest comes along and asks, "My child, what is the matter?" The little boy tells him that her parents were inside their car and it just rolled over the edge and smashed on the rocks far below.

The priest slowly looked around, opened his robes and said, "This just isn't your day is it?"

BobDole
07-17-2009, 02:46 PM
a woman has a baby. shortly after giving birth, the ER doctor takes the baby out of the incubator and starts slamming it up against the wall repeatedly. the woman, hysterical, screams at the doctor 'what are you doing to my baby?'

the doctor replies 'april fools. your baby was already dead.'

BobDole
07-17-2009, 02:47 PM
what do spinach and anal sex have in common?

if you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

BobDole
07-17-2009, 02:49 PM
what's yellow and lives off dead beetles?

yoko ono.

BobDole
07-17-2009, 02:51 PM
what has 8 legs and makes women scream?

gang rape.

BobDole
07-17-2009, 02:58 PM
what's purple and has sex with your grandma?

me in my lucky purple suit.

BobDole
07-17-2009, 03:08 PM
what did the pedophile say after getting out of jail?

i feel like a kid again.

Bumpus
07-17-2009, 03:14 PM
A virgin is on a plane that is about to crash. She leaps to her feet, rips off her clothes, and says "Can anyone here make me feel like a real woman?"

A man stands up, takes his clothes off and tosses them to her saying, "Here! Iron these!"

Bumpus
07-17-2009, 04:27 PM
Q: What do Virginia Tech and Mount Everest have in common?

A: They both have a crazy slope and are -32.

Bumpus
07-17-2009, 07:07 PM
Q: Why don't blind people skydive?

A: It scares the **** out of the dog.

Bumpus
07-17-2009, 07:09 PM
Q: How do you pick out the blind guy at a nudist colony?

A: It's not hard.

BobDole
07-17-2009, 08:10 PM
what's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

the wheelchair.

BobDole
07-17-2009, 08:12 PM
who do women have periods?

because they fugging deserve it.

BobDole
07-17-2009, 08:16 PM
a man takes his wife to the doctor. the doc informs him that she either has alzheimer's or aids - and he can't tell which one because they are both very similar in the early stages. the man asks 'how am i supposed to find out which one she has?'

the doc replies 'drive her out to the middle of nowhere. if she finds her way home, don't fugg her.'

BobDole
07-17-2009, 08:34 PM
what's the difference between sarah palin's mouth and her vagina?

only some of the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.

BobDole
07-17-2009, 08:35 PM
what do babies and gay people have in common?

it's fun to throw them both out of moving vehicles.

BobDole
07-17-2009, 08:50 PM
Q: What do Virginia Tech and Mount Everest have in common?

A: They both have a crazy slope and are -32.

that one is pretty bad. cheers. :lol:

Bumpus
07-17-2009, 08:59 PM
Dude, that Palin one was great! :up:

1 dol fan
07-18-2009, 12:41 AM
We gotta keep this **** going!!!

1 dol fan
07-18-2009, 12:42 AM
What is Hitler's least favorite planet?





Jupiter.

Bumpus
07-18-2009, 01:14 AM
:lol:
... & back into the flames I go.


Q: What purpose can used tampons serve?

A: Teabags for cannibals.

Bumpus
07-18-2009, 01:15 AM
Q: Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?

A: For traction in the mud.

Bumpus
07-18-2009, 01:16 AM
Q: What do you give a pedophile who has everything?

A: A bigger parish.

Bumpus
07-18-2009, 01:17 AM
Q: What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?

A: Throw your dirty laundry in.

Bumpus
07-18-2009, 01:19 AM
Q: Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

A: Because she wasn't wearing a seat belt.

Bumpus
07-18-2009, 01:20 AM
Q: What would Princess Diana be doing right now if she were still alive?

A: Scratching at the lid of her coffin.

1 dol fan
07-18-2009, 01:22 AM
What did Michael Jackson say when they put him in the ambulance?


Take me to the children's hospital

Bumpus
07-18-2009, 01:22 AM
Q: Why can't lesbians diet and wear make up at the same time?

A: Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

Bumpus
07-18-2009, 01:24 AM
Q: What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a trampoline?

A: You can't wear spurs on a trampoline.

Bumpus
07-18-2009, 01:26 AM
Women are like parking spaces. Normally, all the good ones are gone. So, occasionally, when no one's looking, you stick it in a disabled one.

1 dol fan
07-18-2009, 01:26 AM
I've been trying to stay away from dead baby jokes since I got hooked on them 2 years ago... you guys are my enablers!!!

Bumpus
07-18-2009, 01:28 AM
A girl is watching her father shower.

She points to his penis and says, "Daddy, when will I get one of those?"

He looks at his watch and says, "When your mother leaves for work!"

Bumpus
07-18-2009, 01:30 AM
Q: Where do you send Jewish kids with A.D.D.?

A: To concentration camps.

Bumpus
07-18-2009, 01:31 AM
Q: What do you do when you see a baby running around in a circle and screaming?

A: Stop laughing and nail its other foot to the floor.

Bumpus
07-18-2009, 01:32 AM
Q: What pounds on the glass and screams?

A: A charred baby in an oven.

Bumpus
07-18-2009, 01:34 AM
Q: What's bubbly and scratches at the window?

A: A baby in a microwave.

Bumpus
07-18-2009, 01:35 AM
Q: What's red & white and screams?

A: A peeled baby in a bag of salt.

Bumpus
07-18-2009, 01:37 AM
Q: What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?

A: Gang rape.

Bumpus
07-18-2009, 01:38 AM
Q: What's the worst thing about gang rape?

A: Waiting your turn.

Bumpus
07-18-2009, 01:39 AM
Q: How are retards like slinkies?

A: Totally useless, but you can't help but smile when they fall down stairs.

Bumpus
07-18-2009, 01:41 AM
Q: What's the difference between spit and swallow?

A: About 30 pounds of pressure on the back of her head.

Bumpus
07-18-2009, 02:45 AM
Q: Why do New Zealand horses run so fast?

A: Because they saw what was done to the sheep.

Bumpus
07-18-2009, 02:57 AM
Q: What's the difference between Brokeback Mountain and a bottle of sleeping pills?

A: One will put you to sleep, and the other will kill you in your apartment.

Bumpus
07-18-2009, 03:37 AM
A young woman goes to the market and buys 1 egg, a small bottle of milk, and 1 sausage.

The checkout boy looks at her and asks, "You're single, aren't you?"

She smiles at him and replies, "Yes. How could you tell?"

"Because you're fugging ugly!"

Bumpus
07-18-2009, 03:38 AM
That's all for tonight folks!

X-Pacolypse
07-18-2009, 03:27 PM
Q: How are retards like slinkies?

A: Totally useless, but you can't help but smile when they fall down stairs.

:lol2: :lol2: :lol2:

OMG! That's awful, but I can't stop laughing!

Vaark
07-18-2009, 04:09 PM
Q: Why did the pervert cross the street?

A: His dick was in the chicken

Bumpus
07-18-2009, 06:36 PM
... Just hope I'm dropping a few jaws. :chuckle:

Bumpus
07-18-2009, 08:29 PM
Q: What do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common?

A: They both come on little white crackers.

BobDole
07-20-2009, 11:21 AM
what's blue and never fits right?

a dead epileptic.

BobDole
07-20-2009, 11:23 AM
what's the best part about 9 year old girls?

flipping them over and pretending they're 9 year old boys.

BobDole
07-20-2009, 11:23 AM
what's the best part of showering with a 9 year old?

slicking their hair back and pretending they're 6.

BobDole
07-20-2009, 11:25 AM
what's the best part about having sex with 28 year olds?

there's 20 of them.

BobDole
07-20-2009, 11:30 AM
what do you do when you see a terrorist with half a head?

quit laughing and reload.

BobDole
07-20-2009, 11:33 AM
what's the difference between a christian blow up doll and a muslim one?

the muslim one blows itself up.

TedSlimmJr
07-21-2009, 06:20 AM
How many Ethiopian's can fit in a bathtub?


They don't know they all keep slipping down the drain...

TedSlimmJr
07-21-2009, 06:23 AM
How do you fit 6 Cubans in a styrofoam cup?


Tell them it floats....

TedSlimmJr
07-21-2009, 06:33 AM
What do you call 156 white guys chasing 1 black guy?


The PGA Tour....

TedSlimmJr
07-21-2009, 06:51 AM
Guy walks into this really creepy, old run-down bar in Mexico.....after he's been robbed of all his personal belongings and all of his cash...

While he's sitting there collecting his thoughts and wondering what to do next....he looks over in the corner and notices this drunk mexican sitting on the floor leaned up against the wall with his sombrero pulled down over his face...he has a donkey standing next to him....

So the guy gets up some nerve and yells at the drunk..."Amigo...you wouldn't happen to know what time it is would you"?

As the drunk mexican lifts up his head, he reaches his hand out and lifts up the donkey's balls......"5:30"....says the mexican...then drops his head back down....

About an hour later....the guy yells at the drunk mexican again...."Hey Amigo...what time you got now"?

The drunk mexican reaches his hand out again and lifts up the donkeys balls....."6:30"......the mexican replies...as he drops his head back down...

Stunned and confused...the guy walks over to the mexican and asks, "How can you tell what time it is by lifting up that donkey's balls"?

The drunk mexican looks up at him and says..."Sit down beside me"....

Nervously the guy sits down on the floor beside the mexican....

The mexican then turns and lifts up the donkey's balls and says......

"See that clock over there"?

CashInFist
07-23-2009, 03:52 PM
Q: What was the first Jewish settlement?


























A: 50 cents on the dollar.

COphinphan89
01-20-2010, 08:00 PM
John is 40 years old, and his girlfriend Sarah is 60. On Saturday nights, he goes over to her place and sits on her couch and she just holds his penis for a while.

John begins visiting her place less and less as time goes on and Sarah begins to wonder why. She calls him up and says,

"Why haven't you been coming over lately?"

John says, "Sorry. I've been over at Abigail's."

Sarah screams, "Abigail? She's 80! What's she got that I don't got?"

To which John replies, "Parkinson's disease."

Bumpus
01-20-2010, 08:24 PM
:lol:
Oh Christ, it's back!!!!!!!
:lol:

Bumpus
01-20-2010, 08:49 PM
A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of beastiality.

"I know a great trial lawyer," the guy said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."

The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony.

"I saw Jed mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jed's pecker."

The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good goat will do that."

Bumpus
01-20-2010, 09:15 PM
A small girl was lost at a large shopping mall. She approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little girl shyly replied, "Beer ... and women with big ****."

Ricky_Fan34
01-20-2010, 09:36 PM
Q: How do you start a marithon in Ethiopia?























A: Roll a cheerio down a hill

Bumpus
01-20-2010, 09:49 PM
A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."

So the boss calls the guy into his office and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"

The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm ****ing her."

The boss says, "You **** your sister?"

The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

Ricky_Fan34
01-20-2010, 09:56 PM
A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."

So the boss calls the guy into his office and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"

The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm ****ing her."

The boss says, "You **** your sister?"

The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."
:lol:

I'm going to bring the racist jokes out, but let me first say I in NO way am being racist by telling these jokes. They are jokes, that's all there is to it.

Q: How do you increase transportation in Harlem

A: Put the trees closer together


Q: What do you call 3 black guys on bikes

A: Organized crime


A black man walks into a resaurant with a parrot on his shoulder, and the hostess tells him "That is a beautiful pet, where did you get it from?" The parrot replies "Africa"


Q: What does the "BFI" on dumpsters stand for?

A: Black Family Inside


Q: How are sperm and black people alike?

A: Only 1 out of 2 million actually work



That's all for right now. I'm drawing a blank here.

Bumpus
01-20-2010, 10:14 PM
A New Yorker, a Texan, and a West Virginian were on a cruise ship having a BS session.

The New Yorker boasted, "In New York we have rats so large, they've been known to carry off small children."

The Texan replied, "Not impressed. In Texas the cattle are so big, the steaks have to be turned with a forklift."

The West Virginian said, "That's nothing. We have women with vaginas this big." (He then spread his hands so wide it'd do the biggest fish justice.)

"How do you screw them then?" asked the Texan.

"They stretch."

BobDole
01-21-2010, 06:53 PM
and here we go again.

what's the difference between acne and a catholic priest?

acne waits until puberty to come (cum) on your face.

BobDole
01-21-2010, 06:57 PM
what's better than winning a gold medal in the special olympics?

not being retarded.

BobDole
01-21-2010, 07:01 PM
what has 8 balls and rapes mexicans?

the lottery.

BobDole
01-21-2010, 07:15 PM
i was out mountain biking one day when i found a little boy crying at the top of a cliff.
'why are you crying?' i asked.
'my mommy and daddy were playing with me when they fell to the bottom.'
'oh no!' i put my hand on his little shoulder while he cried, and we had a moment there, at the top of the cliff.
'why are you unbuckling your pants, mister?'
'today just isn't your day, kid.'

BobDole
01-21-2010, 07:20 PM
what's the difference between a sandwich and a baby?

i don't fugg a sandwich before i eat it.

Ricky_Fan34
01-21-2010, 07:27 PM
What the difference between a truck load of dead babies and a truck load of mulch?

I don't unload a truckload of mulch with a pitchfork.

Ricky_Fan34
01-21-2010, 07:27 PM
What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a corvette?

I don't have a corvette in my garage.

1 dol fan
01-21-2010, 09:06 PM
There were 3 men and they all died in a car crash and went to hell. When they got there the devil asked them all in turn a question.
To he first he said "what was your biggest sin on earth?" and the man replied "Oh man I just love alchol and being drunk man" so the devil showed the man to a room full of alchol of every type and description and he put the man inside and said "see you in 100 years" and locked the door.

To the second man he asked the same question and the man replied "oh man I just love to have sex with the ladies, I was really unfaithful to my wife man". So the devil took the man and showed him to a room full of hundreds upon thousands of georgeous and beautiful naked women. The man ran inside and the devil said "see you in 100 years" and locked the door.


The third man's answer to the question was "oh man I just LOVE weed! Im high all the time man and I can't live without it!". The devil showed the man to a room packed with the most amazing grade-A bud you've ever seen, stacked to the roof! The man went inside and the devil locked the door after saying "see you in 100 years".

100 years later the devil came by to let the three men out. He opened the door to the first man's room and found the man collapsed on the ground, passed out with empty bottles laying around him and puke all over him. He was a mess.
The devil opened the 2nd man's door and the man came running out of the room and cried "IM GAY! IM GAY!". Finally the devil came to the third man's room and opened the door. Sitting in the middle of all the bud, in the exact same position the devil had left him in was the man. He looked up at the devil and with a single tear rolling down his cheek he asked ; "hey man, got a light?"

1 dol fan
01-21-2010, 09:07 PM
A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?"
The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads." So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit toking and will come back the next week to buy the TV. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?"
And the owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!" So the stoner leaves again.
He comes back a week later and says, "How much for that TV?"
The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!!!"
The stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?"
The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave."

1 dol fan
01-21-2010, 09:07 PM
A stoner walks into a gas station and asks the dude at the counter, "Got any weed?" The man politely replied, "Um, no sir. We do not sell marijuana here." So he left.
The same guy comes back the next day and says, "Got any weed?" The man behind the counter, although slightly annoyed, patiently replied, "No sir. We don't sell marijuana." So the man went home.
He goes once again to the gas station. And again, he says to the guy working there, "Got any weed?" By this time the other dude was pissed. He yells, "You freakin' refer-lovin', pot-head burn-out! I told you, we don't sell that crap here! If you ever come back in here asking for that filthy crap again, I'll nail your freaking feet to the floor. Got it? Now beat it before I call the cops." So the stoner left.
The next day he went back to the same old place with a dopey smile on his face. He went to the cashier and said, "Got any nails?" The man hesitated, then replied, "um, no sir, we don't sell nails here." The stoner grinned. "Got any weed?"

1 dol fan
01-21-2010, 09:09 PM
A stoner stumbles out of a party, and starts to walk home.
One the way he bumps into a guy who is all bloody and mangled. The guy limps up to the stoner and says "Call me an ambulance!" The stoner looks at him for a second, smiles and says, "You're an ambulance!"

1 dol fan
01-21-2010, 09:14 PM
Q: What do you call it when a roach ash burns your shirt?

A: A pot hole!

BobDole
01-22-2010, 10:22 PM
a hot girl walks into a bar. a man says to her 'damn girl, you're gonna get laid tonight.' she rolls her eyes and replies 'ha! how do you know?'

'because i'm stronger than you.'

BobDole
01-22-2010, 10:24 PM
how do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

aids

Bumpus
01-22-2010, 11:34 PM
Q: What does a crack whore have in common with the Buffalo Bills?

A: They both suck for four quarters.

Bumpus
01-22-2010, 11:36 PM
Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?

A: Erotic is using a feather ... Kinky is using the whole chicken.

Bumpus
01-22-2010, 11:38 PM
Q: What does a woman have in common with KFC?

A: By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.

COphinphan89
01-22-2010, 11:38 PM
Q. What's Kobe Bryant's idea of foreplay?

A. Grabbing her from behind, and whispering in her ear, "Scream and I'll ****ing kill you."

Bumpus
01-22-2010, 11:40 PM
Q: What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman?

A: The back of my hand.

Bumpus
01-22-2010, 11:41 PM
Q: How do you kill a retard?

A: Hand him a knife and say, "Who's special?"

COphinphan89
01-22-2010, 11:45 PM
Q. What does the rabbi do with the foreskin after circumcisions?

A. Gives it to the gays for chewing gum.

Bumpus
01-22-2010, 11:45 PM
Q: What is Superman's greatest weakness?

A: A bucking horse.

Bumpus
01-22-2010, 11:46 PM
Q: Why are pubic hairs so curly?

A: So they don't poke her eye out.

COphinphan89
01-22-2010, 11:46 PM
Q. How do you get four queers on a bar stool?

A. Turn it upside down.

Bumpus
01-22-2010, 11:48 PM
Q: How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?

A: Call her and tell her.

Bumpus
01-22-2010, 11:49 PM
Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?

A: Spit, swallow, and gargle.

COphinphan89
01-22-2010, 11:50 PM
Q. What do you say to a Muslim on Christmas?

A. A quart of milk, a loaf of bread and a pack of Marlboros please.

COphinphan89
01-22-2010, 11:53 PM
Q. What do you call a 12-year-old red neck girl who's still a virgin?

A. Faster than her brothers.

Bumpus
01-23-2010, 12:23 AM
Q: Why did the blonde insist that her boyfriend wear a condom?

A: So she could have a doggie bag for later.

HurriPhin
01-23-2010, 12:35 AM
A man, his wife and their son walk into an ice cream parlor.

The man says, "I'll have a scoop of chocolate and she'll have a scoop of vanilla".

He then looks to his son and says, "What do you want Fathead?"

Startled, the young lady behind the counter replies, "Sir, it's not very nice to call your kid names."

The man looks back at the young lady and says, "Listen up mam. There are three things a man wants in life. One is a big truck. You see that large 4x4 out in the parking lot. That's mine. Second is a big house. I have one of the largest in my neighborhood. Third is a nice tight pootie tang. And I had that until Fathead came along."

HurriPhin
01-23-2010, 12:49 AM
Two men walk into a pub and sit at the bar. After some small talk and a couple of pints one of the men turns around from the bar, looks around the room and says,

"You know what? I could have sex with any women in this place."

The other man says, "Oh yeah, hows that?"

He replies, "I'm a rapist".

CedarPhin
01-23-2010, 12:52 AM
Who's married more than once, but has never been married?

CedarPhin
01-23-2010, 12:52 AM
Guy has a banana in his ear, starts walking down the street. Another guy stops him and says "Hey, you've got a banana in your ear"

The guy looks at him and goes "I can't hear you, I have a banana in my ear"

HurriPhin
01-23-2010, 12:53 AM
Who's married more than once, but has never been married?

:confused:

CedarPhin
01-23-2010, 01:00 AM
:confused:

This is an easy one.

CedarPhin
01-23-2010, 01:05 AM
The answer is a priest.

HurriPhin
01-23-2010, 01:23 AM
And now for some crude humor.....


How do you make a five-year-old cry twice?

Use her teddy bear to wipe the blood off your penis.



What do you get when you break a baby's jaw?

Deepthroat.



What's blue and orange and lies at the bottom of a swimming pool?

A baby with busted arm floaties.

What's green and orange and lies at the bottom of a swimming pool?

That same baby a week later.



What's black and blue and doesn't like sex?

The girl in my trunk.



What's the best thing about screwing a 7 yr old boy?

Watching him break down on the witness stand.

COphinphan89
01-23-2010, 01:30 AM
What's the best thing about screwing a 7 yr old boy?

Watching him break down on the witness stand.
:sidelol:

COphinphan89
01-23-2010, 01:31 AM
The answer is a priest.
Ah! I had guessed that and was hoping you hadn't already posted the answer.

Bumpus
01-23-2010, 01:31 AM
:lol:
Cedar ... umm ... OK.

Bumpus
01-23-2010, 01:34 AM
Q: What happened after the blonde ran to meet her long lost twin sister?

A: She got 7 years of bad luck for breaking her nose on the mirror.

Bumpus
01-23-2010, 01:36 AM
Q: What did Princess Filthy Sheets get on his IQ test?

A: Drool.

Bumpus
01-23-2010, 01:37 AM
Q: What do Guidos use for birth control?

A: Their personalities.

Bumpus
01-23-2010, 01:39 AM
Q: What is every blonde's ambition in life?

A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

Bumpus
01-23-2010, 01:42 AM
Q: How is public masterbation like throwing a javelin blindfolded?

A: You don't have to be very good at either to get people's attention.

Bumpus
01-23-2010, 01:44 AM
Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?

A: Because it kept falling out.

Bumpus
01-23-2010, 01:47 AM
Q: What did the aborted fetus say to the used car dealer?

A: "You know, I wasn't born yesterday..."

COphinphan89
01-23-2010, 01:49 AM
So this guy is on a hot date at a fancy restaurant and has high hopes for how the night is going to end. Before it's time to leave, he takes a quick trip to the restroom. He's the only guy in there, until of all things, a leprechaun shows up and takes the urinal a couple spots down. Now, even though this breaks the common man code of restroom etiquette, he couldn't help but notice that the size of the leprechaun's manhood was massive beyond comprehension.

The leprechaun smiles at him and asks, "Do you like what you see?"

The guy replies, "I don't necessarily like it, but I would KILL to have a **** that big."

The leprechaun says "Well since I am a leprechaun, I think I can help you out."

"Really?" the guy says.

The leprechaun says "Yes. All you have to do is let me have my way with your anus in that stall over there and I can use my magic to enlarge your penis to the same size as mine."

With his size already leaving much to be desired, the guy reluctantly agrees.

A while into the ordeal, this poor guy is driving his fingers into the porcelain of the toilet and finally speaks up, "Hey dude. You about finished or what? I don't think I can take this much longer."

The leprechaun says, "Can I ask you a question sonny?"

"Sure."

"How old are ya?"

"I'm 26."

"Ah aren't ya a bit old to be believin in leprechauns?"

HurriPhin
01-23-2010, 02:09 AM
Whats the first thing a beaten wife should do after coming back from the hospital after the last "incident"?

The dishes if she know's whats good for her.

HurriPhin
01-23-2010, 02:18 AM
Why did the little girl fall over?

Because I threw a brick at her head.

HurriPhin
01-23-2010, 02:19 AM
A man walks into a pharmacy and says. "I need some condoms for my 11 year old daughter".

The pharmacist is shocked. "Your daughter is sexually active at age 11?"

The man replies, " nah, she just lies there like her mother".

HurriPhin
01-23-2010, 02:24 AM
How can you tell when an Arab boy has become an Arab man?

When he takes the diaper off of his *** and wraps it around his head.

Bumpus
01-23-2010, 03:05 AM
Q: Why does everyone hate lawyers right away?

A: Saves time.