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View Full Version : Change of scenery, The OFFICIAL Joke thread



Pigskin Pimp
12-07-2003, 05:43 AM
I don't know if anyone here has done anything like this, I'm still a newbie - but I thought it would be nice to kinda calm some animosity and add a change of scenery.

This is the OFFICIAL Joke thread.... If anyone has a good joke, throw it in. I'll start - you might think it sucks, maybe it does.
Maybe I started this thread in a pathetic attempt to add to my joke collection. :D

There is this puny, tiny white guy.We'll call him Tom Brady ;), A real nervous guy right, he gets on an elevator and pushes floor 8. The elevator stops on the 2nd floor and a huge, intimadating black guy gets in.
He looks at Tom and says "6 foot 6, 330 pounds, 1 pound left ball, 1 pound right, 15 inch D*ck, names - Turner Brown!" Tom immediatley crys like a girl and faints. A minute later he wakes up and sees Turner standing above him asking him if he's okay.
Tom replies "What did you say earlier?" So Turner repeats himself. "6 foot 6, 330 pounds, 1 pound left ball, 1 pound right, 15 inch D*ck, names - Turner Brown!" Tom then lets out a sigh and says "Thank god, I thought you said turn around!"

I know it kinda sucks but it lightens the mood, I would love to hear some more.

Snickersbps
12-07-2003, 06:03 AM
So I was walking through Idaho with my "good" friends NEM and Muck. We get to a farm and figure we'll cut through, saving a bit of time off our trip. NEM and Muck keep stopping to eat the food as were walking through the fields. Suddenly a farmer runs out of his barn sreamin and yelling at us, while waving his shotgun in the air. He comes up to us and says "Most people I shoot on sight, but seeing as Im in a good mood, Ill give you guys a break. If you can find one fruit or vegetable on my farm, and stick it up your @ss without laughing, Ill let all go." We look at each other, a little unsure but figure its our only way out, so we start looking around. I come back to the farmer with a pea and he says "Go for it, lets see what you got!" Just as I'm pushing it in I fall over, cracking up. BOOM! Im dead. Muck comes walking up to the farmer with a grape in his hand. Farmer looks at him and says "Go for it, lets see what you got!" Just as Muck is pushing that grape up and in, he falls over, cracking up laughing. BOOM! Muck is dead. So I'm waiting in heaven for Muck and as he gets there I ask him what made him laugh. He looks as me and says "Same thing as you....I saw NEM walking through the watermelon patch!"

one of my personal faves, hope you guys like it :D
one more to come...

Snickersbps
12-07-2003, 06:13 AM
Everyday this guy rides the same bus to and from work, talking to the same bus driver about life, women, and happiness. One fine day a nun got on the bus. The driver and this guy give each other a look, as this nun is unbelievably beautiful. For weeks the guy talks to her during her short trips on the bus, but for obvious reasons, he makes no head way on anything. As the nun gets off the bus one day, the driver turns to the guy and tells him he knows how the he could get the nun to have sex with him. The guy shrugs him off, as he's been trying for weeks, whats some old bus driver gonna know about getting women? Eventually his curiosity gets to him, and he asks the driver his plan. The driver explains softly "Every night at midnight your nun goes to the cemetary to pray. You show up and pretend to be God, she'll have sex with you without thinking twice." The guy thinks this is brilliant and heads to the cemetary that night. Sure enough, at midnight the nun comes walking by. The guy comes from behind a tree all dressed in white and wearing a mask, so she wont recognize him. "Im God, it is my plan that you have sex with me." He says. She replies with a yes, but asks if she could get it in the @ss instead(in nicer words of course, this is a nun talking to God!) this way, she would still be a virgin. The man quickly agrees and gets at it before she changes her mind. As they are finishing up and the nun turns to face him, he rips off his mask and yells "Ah ha! Im the guy from the bus!" The nun, without missing a beat, looks at the man and says " Ah ha! I am the bus driver!" As he rips off his mask...

I think Im done for now...my tired mind cant think of another

jaketaylor
12-07-2003, 07:58 AM
Two drunk women are walking home from a bar after closing. It is a long walk and one of them tells the other one that if they cut across this field they can make the walk home in a third of the time. So both of them hop a fence and start walking across the field. As one of the women reaches the other side of the field she notices that the second woman is not with her. So she turns around and starts walking the other way looking for her. She finds her midway in the field laying beneath a cow sucking on the cows udders. She says "What in the hell are you doing?" The sucking woman replies " Its a long way home and one of these guys has to have a car."

Miamian
12-07-2003, 04:37 PM
A couple made plans to go to dinner and asked her father to sit for their daughter Jenny. Grandpa said yes and the couple told Jenny to do what Grandpa tells her. After they left Grandpa turned to Jenny and asked her if she wanted to see his magic puppet. She said okay. So Grandpa unzipped his fly and whipped it out. Then he said "now if you rub it it'll get bigger and bigger."

While the couple were on their way home, they passed an ambulance going in the other direction and arrived at their house to find that Grandpa was gone. They asked Jenny what happened and she said "Grandpa showed me his magic puppet. I rubbed it and it got bigger and bigger. Then it spit at me so I bit its head off."

Miamian
12-07-2003, 04:41 PM
During WWII Hitler encouraged his soldiers to rape women in captured countries to breed young Nazis. One soldier, stationed in France, couldn't bring himself to do it. But, after much jeering from his comrades, he finally determined to do so and set off.

He found a small girl in a tiny village and descended on her. After raping her he stood up and said "in nine months you will have a baby," clicked his heels and saluted "Heil Hitler!" She looked at him and replied "in three days you will have a disease, name it syphilis, Vive la France!"