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View Full Version : Deadspin: Why Your Team Sucks 2012: Miami Dolphins



mnphinfan
08-24-2012, 12:49 PM
I've been waiting awhile for this. They do an article for every team and they are hilarious. Make sure you click on the link to read the rest of the article as well as the comments from the fans.

http://deadspin.com/5936988/?utm_campaign=socialflow_deadspin_facebook&utm_source=deadspin_facebook&utm_medium=socialflow


1. They just can't wait to ruin Ryan Tannehill. There's nothing more enjoyable than watching an NFL team draft a project quarterback, swear to keep that project QB tethered to the bench for at least a year, and then IMMEDIATELY throw out those plans before the season has even started. The Dolphins reached to draft Ryan Tannehill because they didn't have the ammo to move up and draft shovel-ready QBs like RG3 and Andrew Luck. It's like drafting in your fantasy league, realizing you need a wideout, watching all the good ones get selected in front of you, and then settling for Doug Baldwin (NOTE: I tried to use a Dolphins wideout for this analogy, unfortunately the Dolphins have no wideouts. Literally. I'm told they'll be using inflatable wideouts for the majority of this season). No one is EXCITED to draft Ryan Tannehill. Drafting Ryan Tannehill is something you do after drinking too much and intentionally doing something to hurt yourself. NFL Network Mike Mayock said Tannehill is "at least a year away from being a functional NFL quarterback." Oh goody. Sounds fantastic. NEVER DRAFT A WHITE QB JUST BECAUSE HE CAN RUN FAST.
In an ideal situation, the Dolphins would let Tannehill ride the bench for a year and THEN let him go out and suck the way we all know he will. Instead, they've decided to stick him out there this season, with no one to throw to and no possible hope for success. NFL teams never seem to heed the lessons of David Carr. Time and again, they take a young passer and happily let opponents dismantle his psyche bit by bit. By the end of this season, Tannehill will be throwing passes with his eyes closed from the fetal position.

2. Dan Snyder Jr. Dolphins owner Stephen Ross is ****ing terrible. Here's a man who spent last season trying to sell minority stakes in the club to celebrities as a way of boosting the team's profile. Because the average football fan is eight times more likely to attend a game if they know that Gloria Estefan is a one-percent shareholder. Ross also declared that he'd like to see the team change uniforms after watching the Marlins rebrand themselves. Because you should always take cues from the Marlins when it comes to things of that nature. I'm very excited for the team to erect a giant Carmen Miranda statue in the end zone. If Tannehill hits the statue, everyone at the stadium receives a free can of Fanta.
And those are among the more trivial of errors committed by Ross. He ****ed up the Jim Harbaugh courtship. He left Tony Sparano out to rot in front of his players for the equivalent of a full season. He was so openly desperate to sign Peyton Manning that should have stood out on the Sun Life Stadium sidewalk in fishnets, flashing his rectal warts to passing motorists. He somehow lost out on Jeff Fisher to the Rams—THE RAMS! Have you seen the Rams lately? They're dying. They have a **** roster and they play in a **** stadium in the ****tiest town imaginable. Jeff Fisher turned down a chance to live in Miami for THAT. That's how awful Stephen Ross is. At least when Dan Snyder makes an ******* move, he makes a BIG ******* move. He has ******* flair. Stephen Ross is a wannabe Dan Snyder, which has to be the single most pathetic thing a human being can be. But hey, at least the stadium has a nightclub. Jeeeesus.

gattis
08-24-2012, 12:52 PM
Funniest thing I've read in a while. I had no idea T-pain covered our fight song lol. As I read this, I just kept thinking, one day my Dolphins will fall @$$ backwards into a championship and these years of BS will just make it that much sweeter.

Flip Tanneflop
08-24-2012, 12:52 PM
Read this about an hour ago. Drew pretty much sums it up.

Vaark
08-24-2012, 01:04 PM
Funny, and true about "losing out" on Jeff (more losing seasons than winning ones) Fisher, but maybe despite ourselves, sight unseen I think we came out ahead hiring who we did rather than the mediocre guy who'd still be coaching ground and pound in TN if he wasn't fired. :idk:

Fins1971
08-24-2012, 01:09 PM
Read this about an hour ago. Drew pretty much sums it up.

Drew is just piling on like the rest. Same damn situation happened to Flacco and it looks like he handled it pretty well.

mnphinfan
08-24-2012, 01:25 PM
Wow, one of the mods must have thought this was a little too touchy of a subject. It's a goddamn joke and they do it for every team. LIGHTEN UP!
It's no worse than the 50 I hate Ireland/Ross and Philbin is to hard on the players threads I have to pick through every day.

abNORMal
08-24-2012, 01:31 PM
That was funny...read some of the other teams too. Steelers and browns were hilarious.

phinfoot
08-24-2012, 02:24 PM
I thought the Packers one was good. Jets anywhere?

gattis
08-24-2012, 03:18 PM
Wow, one of the mods must have thought this was a little too touchy of a subject. It's a goddamn joke and they do it for every team. LIGHTEN UP!
It's no worse than the 50 I hate Ireland/Ross and Philbin is to hard on the players threads I have to pick through every day.

Seriously... can some mod move it back? The article is meant to be in good humor.

JEDIJ007
08-24-2012, 03:36 PM
http://deadspin.com/5936988/why-your-team-sucks-2012-miami-dolphins

pretty funny.

Danny6813
08-24-2012, 03:51 PM
Holy ****, I dont know whether to laugh, cry or punch my wife!

Phinsome
08-24-2012, 03:52 PM
Awe man. That was funny and depressing all at once.

Kane337
08-24-2012, 04:15 PM
That was hilarious.

MRojas4
08-24-2012, 04:18 PM
Like a kick to the nuts.

The Stache99
08-24-2012, 04:19 PM
thats good....i needed a good laugh today

abNORMal
08-24-2012, 04:30 PM
Holy ****, I dont know whether to laugh, cry or punch my wife!

In true dolphins fashion, go with a head-butt....J/K

Bleed
08-24-2012, 04:40 PM
Had a good laugh

Tzimisce_
08-27-2012, 06:16 AM
This one is as good as the GB one.