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themole
03-12-2004, 08:08 PM
Please allow Uncle Mole to impart a few words of wisdom to you. We've all been confronted with this problem.

Now you have a small manual to resort to.


HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all been working
in
our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as
we
try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For
those
who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a
dump
at work.

CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not
in
your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came
from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has
been
expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your
pants.


FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for
other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a
poop
in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment.
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not
happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend
you
did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all
involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This
is
usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen,
do
not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to
spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

SPLASH GUARD
Applying several folds of toliet paper
to the water to prevent those ice cold ploinkers from
entering the dookie shoot.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This
reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom.
This
can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk

up the bathroom.. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone
walks
in and busts you.. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell
does
not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often
see
an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
magazine
under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet
Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes
off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts
of
Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
expect
visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This
will
reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to
force
the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments
that
can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the
stall
until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable
eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
are
in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an
ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you
are
occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied.
If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can
poop in peace.

WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is
also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on,
create a
diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANAOMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an
Astaire. You can also use that moment to noisily procure a handful of
toilet paper.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended
lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle
Ted
makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always
wait
to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the
other
bathroom attendees.





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