View Full Version : Jokes
05-18-2004, 01:04 AM
Brad, a local beachgoer, simply couldnĂ˘â‚¬â„˘t make time with any of the girls. So he headed over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard had any advice for him.
Ă˘â‚¬Ĺ“Dude, itĂ˘â‚¬â„˘s obvious,Ă˘â‚¬Âť said the lifeguard. Ă˘â‚¬Ĺ“YouĂ˘â‚¬â„˘re wearing those gnarly old swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. TheyĂ˘â‚¬â„˘re years outta style. Your best bet is to get yourself a SpeedoĂ˘â‚¬â€ťsay, two sizes too smallĂ˘â‚¬â€ťand drop a potato inside it. YouĂ˘â‚¬â„˘ll have all the babes you can handle.Ă˘â‚¬Âť
The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his brand-spanking-new tight Speedo and his potato, and itĂ˘â‚¬â„˘s not long before he approaches the lifeguard tower once more.
Ă˘â‚¬Ĺ“For cryinĂ˘â‚¬â„˘ out loud,Ă˘â‚¬Ĺ“ said Brad, Ă˘â‚¬Ĺ“itĂ˘â‚¬â„˘s worse than before! Everyone on the beach acts disgusted as I walk byĂ˘â‚¬â€ťcovering their faces, turning away, laughing! WhatĂ˘â‚¬â„˘s wrong now?Ă˘â‚¬Âť
Ă˘â‚¬Ĺ“Jeez!Ă˘â‚¬Âť said the lifeguard, Ă˘â‚¬Ĺ“The potato goes in front!Ă˘â‚¬Âť
05-18-2004, 01:18 AM
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally
behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.
So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the E-mail said?
Just wondering, I didn't get one either....... :eek:
05-18-2004, 01:40 AM
- Fallacies Explained
Ninjas were originally from China, not Japan, as is commonly believed.
The liver isn't an organ. It's a gland.
Dry ice doesn't melt. It "sublimates."
On Star Trek, Captain Kirk never said, "Beam me up, Scotty." He said, "Beam me up, Mr. Scott."
People didn't always throw rice at weddings. In the Middle Ages, you were supposed to throw eggs at the bride and groom.
Flying fish don't fly. They glide.
Houdini became the most famous escape artist of all time, but contrary to what is sometimes reported, he was not double-jointed.
Despite what you might think, there is no difference between green peppers, yellow peppers and red peppers-other than age. (Peppers start out green, then turn yellow, red, purple, then brown as they mature.)
Chicken Little never said, "The sky is falling." She said, "The sky has fallen."
Food that gets "freezer burn" isn't actually burned, of course. The foods dehydrate, causing a loss of color, texture and flavor.
You might be surprised to learn that Americans visit libraries 3.5 billion times a yearĂ˘â‚¬â€ťthree times as often as the movies.
There's no rabbit in Welsh rabbit.
In truth, there's no mention of Adam and Eve eating an apple in the Bible.
Rhinoceros horn, much in demand for medicinal purposes, isn't horn at all, but the animal's hair.
Statistically speaking, the job of pizza delivery driver is a more dangerous job than that of fire fighting.
The Bowie knife wasn't invented by James Bowie. The credit for the invention's design goes to his brother, Rezin Pleasant Bowie.
Twinkies didn't always have vanilla-flavored filling. The original Twinkies filling was bananaĂ˘â‚¬â€ťit was replaced by vanilla during World War II when the U.S. experienced a banana shortage. :mdfin: :mdfin:
05-18-2004, 01:45 AM
you should have ended with the second one (unless you're not done yet) it was the best
05-18-2004, 11:06 PM
A pompous minister was seated next to a TEXAN on a flight to Dallas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The TEXAN asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in , "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The TEXAN looked at the minister, then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."
05-19-2004, 07:17 PM
Things You'd Love to Say Out Loud at Work
THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK....
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of **** .
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing &still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.
05-20-2004, 09:19 PM
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise itĂ˘â‚¬â„˘s total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, heĂ˘â‚¬â„˘s finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there stands a big, bearded Vermonter. Ă˘â‚¬Ĺ“Names Enoch, your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday, thought youĂ˘â‚¬â„˘d like to come.Ă˘â‚¬Âť
Ă˘â‚¬Ĺ“Great,Ă˘â‚¬Âť says Sam, Ă˘â‚¬Ĺ“after six months of this IĂ˘â‚¬â„˘m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.Ă˘â‚¬Âť
As Enoch is leaving he stops, Ă˘â‚¬Ĺ“Gotta warn you thereĂ˘â‚¬â„˘s gonna be some drinkin'.Ă˘â‚¬Âť
Ă˘â‚¬Ĺ“Not a problem. After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of Ă˘â‚¬Ëśem.Ă˘â‚¬Âť
Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. Ă˘â‚¬Ĺ“MoreĂ˘â‚¬â„˘n likely gonna be some fightinĂ˘â‚¬â„˘ too.Ă˘â‚¬Âť
Damn, Sam thinksĂ˘â‚¬Â¦tough crowd. Ă˘â‚¬Ĺ“Well, I get along well with people. IĂ˘â‚¬â„˘ll be there. Thanks again.Ă˘â‚¬Âť
Once again Enoch turns from the door. Ă˘â‚¬Ĺ“IĂ˘â‚¬â„˘ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too.Ă˘â‚¬Âť
Ă˘â‚¬Ĺ“Now thatĂ˘â‚¬â„˘s not a problemĂ˘â‚¬Âť, says Sam. Ă˘â‚¬Ĺ“Remember, IĂ˘â‚¬â„˘ve been alone for six months. By the way, what should I wear?
Enoch stops in the door again and says, Ă˘â‚¬Ĺ“Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.Ă˘â‚¬Âť
05-22-2004, 02:42 PM
As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a
strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she
observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked,"What in the world are you doing?" The daughter
replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing
is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away
and leave me alone."
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the
other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he
observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. When
he questioned her as to what she was doing, the daughter
said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing
is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband!
Please, go away and leave me alone."
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed
the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that now familiar
buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She
cautiously entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the
couch, staring at theTV with the vibrator next to him buzzing like
crazy. The wife shrieked, "What the hell are you doing?" The
husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."
05-22-2004, 08:53 PM
An orderly in an insane asylum is making the rounds one day when he sees a man running back and forth pretending heĂ˘â‚¬â„˘s driving a car.
Ă˘â‚¬Ĺ“What are you doing, Willy?Ă˘â‚¬Âť he asks.
Ă˘â‚¬Ĺ“IĂ˘â‚¬â„˘m going to Chicago for the weekend,Ă˘â‚¬Âť the patient replies.
The orderly chuckles and enters WillyĂ˘â‚¬â„˘s room to change the sheets. When he walks in he sees one of the other patients furiously masturbating on the bed.
Ă˘â‚¬Ĺ“What the hell do you think youĂ˘â‚¬â„˘re doing?Ă˘â‚¬Âť yells the orderly.
Ă˘â‚¬Ĺ“Shhh,Ă˘â‚¬Âť says the patient, Ă˘â‚¬Ĺ“IĂ˘â‚¬â„˘m screwing WillyĂ˘â‚¬â„˘s wife while heĂ˘â‚¬â„˘s in Chicago.Ă˘â‚¬Âť
05-27-2004, 07:49 PM
13 ways to relieve stress in class
1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
2. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
3. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY". (At Least for the Male profs.)
4. Address the professor as "your excellency".
5. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
6. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.
7. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.
8. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
9. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
10. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become agitated when the professor can't understand you.
11. Wink at the professor every few minutes.
12. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5" at the top, and start passing it around the room.
13. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.
06-01-2004, 11:27 PM
WhatĂ˘â‚¬â„˘s the difference between a drunk and a stoner?
A drunk drives through the stop sign; a stoner waits for it to turn green.
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