SEC Commissioner Mike Slive calls meeting with several schools (hilarious)

[TedSlimmJr]

Mike Slive: Thank you all for coming. I've called this meeting to guage your interest on possibly joining the SEC.

Georgia Tech: Do you mind? I'm in the middle of a dungeon raid here.

Georgia: Figures.

Slive: I don't know what that means. (clears throat) Texas and Texas A&M, you came the farthest to be here. How are you feeling?

A&M: Yes.

Slive: Yes what?

A&M: Thank you for the invite. I accept.

Arkansas: Awesome! (high fives LSU)

Slive: But I didn't extend any offers yet...

Texas: Don't mind him. We're not coming. I'm too smart for your conference anyway.

Vanderbilt: I see this guy brought jokes, huh?

Slive: Can't Texas A&M make his own decisions?

Texas: No. The state legislature won't let us split up, and I'm saying no. C'mon lil' brother, lets blow this joint.

A&M: Yes I can. Wait, who you calling little brother? Come back!

(Texas and Texas A&M leave)





Slive: Alright, where were we? Ah yes.. Virginia Tech, so how are you feeling?

VT: I'll have to ask the governors office first, that's what got me into the ACC a few years back.

Slive: Very well, lets move on. Florida St.?

(Florida sighs and groans dramatically...goes to the restroom)

FSU: I might join, but tell me this. How many of you in the SEC currently fear the spear?

Ole Miss: Wait, what?

FSU: I said... how many of you FEAR THE SPEAR?

(Florida comes back and sits down)

Florida: Nobody dip****. You haven't won 10 games since 2003.

Kentucky: Yeah really. Even I beat you in the Music City Bowl a couple years ago.

FSU: UNCONQUERED!!!

Slive: Right... while we're on the subject, Miami?

Miami: Creo que la Florida es una nina pequena.

Florida: I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Your crappy piped in music is echoing too loudly off all the empty seats in your rented stadium.

Miss St.: Come on now, Baxter. You know I don't speak spanish. Ha ha, see what I did there?

Auburn: I saw it! Niiice...

Alabama: Good Lord. Who gave those two permission to speak. Can we move on?

Slive: Certainly. Lets just calm down everyone. Last but certainly not least, we've got Clemson. What is your interest level at?

Clemson: I'd be all for it. Why not bring the Chicken Curse completely into the SEC?

South Carolina: Hey man, I beat you last year. And this is our year to win the East, You'll see...

Slive: Tennessee, you've been awfully quiet for some reason. Do you have anything you'd like to add?

Tennessee: Not since Lane Kiffin left.

Slive: Fair enough. I'm not arguing with that.... Virginia Tech, did you get a hold of anyone at the governor's office?

VT: Yeah, I did. Virginia wants to know what your lacrosse scheduling policies are.

Slive: Virginia? Lacrosse?

Miami: Estoy aburrido. iVamos a la playa, caballeros!

Auburn: Oooh, it's my turn, Baxter! You know I dont.....

Alabama: SHUT UP!

Slive: Gentlemen, this is getting a little out of hand here...

LSU: Hey, Mike... Texas just texted me the lyrics to "California Dreaming".. said it was dedicated to you.

FSU: Wait a minute... If I join your conference, do I have to change the war chant to include the S-E-C chant? Because I am not cool with that.

Slive: Um, if there are no objections, lets resume these meetings next week.

Vanderbilt: Done and done. Say, anyone up for a game of Clue?

Bama: I'm outta here...

Georgia Tech: Times up! Lets do this!

Slive: But we just ended the......

Georgia Tech: LEEEEEROOOOOOY JENKIIIIIIINNNSSSS!!!!

Slive: You know what everyone? I'll call you...

[TedSlimmJr]

Meeting resumed......




Slive: Ok guys, all of this expansion talk isn't talk anymore. Colorado just bolted for the Pac-10. Nebraska is going to the Big-10. The Texas schools are going somewhere. What do we want to do?

Alabama: Doesn't matter to me... we'll kick whoever's.....

Auburn: Screw you Alabama! You only won the national championship because you sold your soul to Satan.

Bama: He got ripped off. We have no soul.

Slive: Alright guys, lets be serious. What about offering Texas and Texas A&M?

Ole Miss: We tried that already, it resulted in Arkansas over there.

(LSU high fives Ole Miss)

Arkansas: WOOOOOO PIIIIGGG SOOOOIIIIEEE.

Slive: True. What about A&M without Texas?

LSU: Dem political hack over thar in Tejas won't let that happen.

Miss St: Did you guys know that Texas has a cow that runs on the field, and it has a bell? Some people bring cowbells to the games. That's our thing.

Bama: ****, will you just shut the hell up Miss St.... you're lucky you're a charter member.

Slive: I've just recently received notice that Southern Miss is asking for consideration.

Everyone: 5-6 minutes of extreme laughter.

Slive: Hahahaha...haha...ha...ha...... ha. Damn them for wasting our time. What about Missouri or Clemson?

Auburn: We already have two sets of Tigers in the conference and it confuses some fans.

South Carolina: Plus, have you ever been to Clemson? It's like Starkville with a lake.

LSU: Death Valley is in Baton Rouge you pricks....confuse that!

(Florida walks in, wearing jorts of course)



Florida: What's up losers....sorry I'm late.. so what'd I miss?

Slive: We were just discussing possible conference expansion.

Florida: Ahh I see... should I call up my buddy FSU? Sike!

Tennessee: Aw hell naw.. we don't need anybody trying to out thug us.

Florida: It's cool no problem Tennessee, I was just trying to figure out a way to help you actually win a game in Florida.

(Georgia fistbumps Florida)




Ole Miss: Wait, what? I don't get it...

Bama: It's funny because Tennessee can't win in Florida you idiot.

Vanderbilt: Well, it goes without saying that we should offer Tulane a spot for their excellent academic reputation.

LSU: Tulane still plays sports?

Slive: We're not inviting Tulane. They left the SEC years ago. What about Georgia Tech?

Bama: So did they...

Miss St: Yeah, and GT won't work anyway because Ole Miss doesn't know how to get to Atlanta.

(Alabama fistbumps Miss. St.)



Ole Miss: Shut up Miss St... you're just lucky you're a charter member....

Everyone Else simultaneously: So are you.

Slive: We could reach into a new market by adding Virginia Tech?

Tennessee: But Virginia is so far away.

Vandy: Blacksburg is an hour from Knoxville, you would be the two closest schools in the conference other than Alabama and Miss St.

Slive: And there's always the possibility of going into North Carolina.

Kentucky: We don't need anyone else up in here caring more about basketball than football, thank you very much.


(few moments of silence)



Slive: Well, I guess we could always just stay where we're at and just make everyone else have to beat us.

Everyone: Sounds good.

Slive: Very well.... meeting adjourned.

[Namor]

That was awsome!!!!

[BobDole]

ole miss doesn't know how to get to atlanta - fantastic.

[COphinphan89]

Laughed the whole way through.

Brilliant!