Jaydog's Joke Thread

[Jaydog57]

Got a joke? Post it here! Here's one to start. By the way, if anybody gets offended, PM me and I'll see what I can do.


THE HORSE & THE CHICKEN

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse
falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found.
So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.

He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the
horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the
meadow again and the chicken falls into the mud hole. The chicken yells to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse says, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he
stretches over the width of the hole and says, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up."

And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you
don't need a Mercedes to pick up a chick.



:goof:

[Jaydog57]

>Ole and Sven were playing golf when Sven pulled out a cigar but didn't
>have a
>lighter so he asked Ole for a light.
>
>"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied and reached into his
>golf
>bag and pulled out a 12-inch BIC lighter.
>
>"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, "Vhere did yew get dat monster??"
>
>"Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie."
>
>"Yew haff a genie?" Sven asked.
>
>"Ya, shure, he's right here in my golf bag," said Ole.
>
>"Could I see him?"
>
>Ole opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.
>
>Then Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill
you
>grant
>me vun vish?"
>
>"Yes I will", the genie said so Sven asks him for a million bucks and
the
>
>genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there
waiting
>for
>his million bucks.
>
>Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks
flying
>
>overhead is heard.
>
>Sven yells to Ole, "I asked for a million Bucks, not Ducks!"
>
>Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing.
>
>Do yew really tink I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?



:goof:

[miadphan13]

Both were excellent

[dolphan39]

more please

[Jaydog57]

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.:cool:




Why are married women fatter than single women?

Because single women open their fridge, see what they have, and go to bed. Married women see what they have in bed and then go to the fridge.:cool:



Chinese Proverb: Man who walks through airport turnstyle sideways is going to Bangkok.:cool:



Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench talking when a flasher appeared. He stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. Well, the first old lady had a stroke. Then the second old lady had a stroke. The third old lady had arthritis and couldn't reach that far.:cool:

[Jaydog57]

An older couple was playing in their country club's annual golf championship. On the playoff hole the wife had to make a 6-inch putt to win. She took her stance, putted, and missed. On the way home in the car, her husband was fuming. "I can't believe you missed that putt! It was no longer than my willy." "Yes dear," she said sweetly, "but it was much harder!":cool:




The judge fined a motorist $95.00 for speeding, and gave him a receipt. "What am I supposed to do with this, frame it?" snapped the driver. "No, save it," replied the judge. "When you have three, you get a bicycle."



"I'd like a pair of size 8 shoes" the guy told the salesman. "But sir, I can see from here you're at least a size 11," replied the salesman. "Just bring me size 8's", says the guy.
The salesman brought the shoes. The guy stuffed his feet into them, then stood up in obvious pain. "I've lost my business and my house,"he explained, "my wife is screwing my best friend, my daughter is pregnant, and my son is gay. The only pleasure I have in life," he sighed, "is taking off these fu(king shoes.":cool:


A woman walked into a sporting goods store and asked the salesman if he could help her pick out a rifle. "It's for my husband," she explained.
"Did he tell you what caliber to get?" the clerk asked.
"Are you kidding?" she says, "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him." :cool:

[Dolfan984]

Girls' English

"Yes"= No
"No"= Yes
"Maybe"= No

"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now

"Do what u want"= You'll pay for this later

"We need to talk"= I need to *****

"Sure.....go ahead"= I don't want u to

"I'm not upset"= Of course I'm upset, u stupid moron!

"How much do u love me?"= I did something today you're not going to like me
for.

"Is my butt fat?"= Tell me I'm beautiful

"You have to learn to communicate"= Just agree with me.

"Are u listening to me?"= Too late, you're dead.

Guys' English

"I'm hungry"= I'm hungry

"I'm sleepy"= I'm sleepy

"I'm tired"= I'm tired

"Do u want to go to a movie?"= I'd eventually like to have sex with u.

"Can I take you out to dinner?"= I'd eventually like to have sex with u.

"Can I call u sometime?"= I'd eventually like to have sex with u.

"May I have this dance?"= I'd eventually like to have sex with u.


"Nice dress!"= Nice cleavage!

"U look tense, let me give u a massage"= I want to fondle u

"What's wrong?"= What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are u
going through right now?

"What's wrong?"= I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

"I'm bored"= Do u want to have sex?

"I Love u"= Lets have sex right now.

"I love u too"= Okay, I said it.... we'd better have sex now!

"Let's talk"= I am trying to impress u by showing that I am a deep person and
maybe then you'd liked to have sex with me.

"Will u marry me?"= I want to make it illegal for u to have sex with other
guys.

(Was a copy and paste job)

[Jaydog57]

-


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?

A: Because she got an F in sex.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?

A: Humpme Dumpme.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why are there lipstick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?

A: Because she blows the horn.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?

A: Because everybody gets a turn.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?

A: Because she's been laid all over the country.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?

A: She kept having affairs with men.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?

A: She picks up her purse and goes home.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?

A: Grade 4.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?

A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?

A: They both drip when they're ****ed.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How would a blonde punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"

A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?

A: Locking the car door.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?

A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?

A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?

A: A 69 interrupted by a period.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a blonde having her period and a terrorist?

A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?

A: She realized she gave her last *******.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period?

A: Looked around for the ******* that must have shot her.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"?

A: She liked to be filled with cream.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?

A: One's a bunch a cunning runts.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a toilet?

A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?

A: In the morning a rooster says, "****'ll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-****'ll-doooo."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde?

A: The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?"

The nympho says, "Are you done already?"

The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?

A: By the buckle print on her forehead. 40


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?

A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?

A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.


:cool:

[Jaydog57]

that was funny man. good stuff. here's one more for the road....
One day a husband and wife were in the bathroom,The wife was getting out of the shower and the husband grabs her boobs and says "If these were firmer you wouldn't need a bra."
The wife was repulsed by his behavior and ignores him.

The next week the teo are again in the bathroom and while the wife was getting out of the shower he grabs her *** and says "If your *** was firmer you wouldn't need a girdle."

The wife is now pissed and is ploting her revenge.

One day a week later the husband is getting out of the shower and the wife grabs his dick and says "If this was a little bit bigger I wouldn't need your brother."





:cool:

[Dolfan984]

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"

"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $1,500.00."

"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "

"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $60,000 ... "

"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "

"What?"

"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and ... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... "

"How much are they asking?"

"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"

"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

"Bye ... I do too ... "

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand and asks all those present,

"Okay... who's phone is this?"

[Dolfan984]

Good ones Jay.

Q: How can you tell a blonde has a blonde boyfriend?

A: Her belly button is bruised.

[miadphan13]

You guys are TOO funny!

[dolfan06]

thats not right! the definition of a perfect woman is:

one thats 3 foot tall, with a flat head, so you can have some place to set your beer!

OR

one that can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch!

OR

one that can suck a quarter through a straw!

[dolfan06]

a hooker with a runny nose?

FULL!

[dolfan06]

for gays to get insurance?

they're always getting rear-ended!