Political Joke Thread - Page 5

Blitz · 09-17-2005, 09:01 AM

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude, and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago. But I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS, and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes North latitude, and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes West longitude."

She rolled her eyes, and said, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information. And I am still lost. Frankly, you have not been much help to me."

The man smiled, and responded, "You must be a Republican."

"I am!" replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well..." said the man, "you do not know where you are, or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep. And you expect me to solve your problem.

You are in exactly the same position you were in before we met. But somehow, now it's all my fault."

Slappy8800 · 09-29-2005, 02:15 AM

1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural
things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way
that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could
never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to
cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed
at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites,
and divorce is still illegal.

5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were
allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun
marriage would be destroyed.

6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay
couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to
marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs
more children.

7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight
parents only raise straight children.

8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like
ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country.
That's why we have only one religion in America.

9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model
at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents
to raise children.

10) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy
behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has
legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

i cannot take credit for this but it made me laugh

:rofl3:

Blitz · 10-09-2005, 04:53 PM

Blitz · 10-22-2005, 03:01 AM

"You don't have many suspects who are innocent of a crime."

- Reagan Atty. Gen. Ed Meese

Wildbill3 · 11-22-2005, 06:05 AM

ch19079 · 11-30-2005, 11:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blitz

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude, and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago. But I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS, and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes North latitude, and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes West longitude."

She rolled her eyes, and said, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information. And I am still lost. Frankly, you have not been much help to me."

The man smiled, and responded, "You must be a Republican."

"I am!" replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well..." said the man, "you do not know where you are, or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep. And you expect me to solve your problem.

You are in exactly the same position you were in before we met. But somehow, now it's all my fault."

:rofl3:

PhinPhan1227 · 12-02-2005, 11:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blitz

"You don't have many suspects who are innocent of a crime."

- Reagan Atty. Gen. Ed Meese

The reason it's not funny is because it's basically true. The vast majority of those who come before the courts HAVE committed a crime.

Blitz · 12-02-2005, 11:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PhinPhan1227

The reason it's not funny is because it's basically true. The vast majority of those who come before the courts HAVE committed a crime.

:confused:

Did you click on the link, and put your mouse icon over the comic?

BTW, I happen to agree with the quote, and so does Tom DeLay, or at least he used to. That's the funny part.

PhinPhan1227 · 12-02-2005, 12:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blitz

:confused:

Did you click on the link, and put your mouse icon over the comic?

BTW, I happen to agree with the quote, and so does Tom DeLay, or at least he used to. That's the funny part.

Lol...honestly I was looking through so quickly I didn't even notice that it was a link. Much funnier now.

Blitz · 12-05-2005, 02:33 PM

National Holiday From Truth Tree

Jimmy James · 12-07-2005, 07:52 PM

Scott Adams has some debating tips everyone here needs to read:

http://dilbertblog.typepad.com/the_d...s_of_why_.html

Blitz · 12-08-2005, 12:23 AM

ih8brady · 12-09-2005, 08:30 PM

A dennis Miller:

Ya hear about the 60 year old woman who gave birth last week? You know how she could tell she was pregnant? She missed her Jurrasic Period.

Blitz · 12-14-2005, 01:36 AM

Jolly St. Cheney

Pagan · 12-20-2005, 04:19 PM

Remember all those who would be "offended"....it's a joke.

**********

Twas The Night Before Tookie's Christmas

Twas several nights before Christmas and all through San Quentin,
The crips were protesting, and all liberals were ventin'

The poisons were hung by the chamber with care,
In hopes that the Grim Reaper soon would be there.

The inmates were nestled all snug in their bed,
Well, except for Old Tookie, who soon would be dead.

And me with my beer mug, dressed warm in my flannel,
Had curled up to watch it, on the Fox News Channel.

I set up my TIVO to record the news station,
And thoroughly loved this momentous occasion.

It seemed lady justice had gotten her way,
And that there would be one less criminal with us today.

When outside the jail there arose such a clatter,
The cameras quickly turned to see what was the matter.

When what to my civilized eyes did appear,
But a lineup of actors, all liberal, half queer.

The misguided freaks drew some curious looks,
As they proclaimed his innocence, clutching his books.

Then tears the flew from Sarandon's baggy eyes,
As she nominated him again for the Nobel Peace Prize.

The actors were tethered to an ACLU sleigh,
All towing the line of the urban decay.

On Asner! On Penn! On liberal cop-haters!
On Sharpton! On Jesse! And other race-baiters!

Then at 12:01 all curled up like a beetle,
Tookie cried like a ***** as they gave him the needle.

When up from the actors there arose such a cry,
They had failed in their mission, and Tookie DID DIE !!

I heard Bill O'Reilly say, as I turned out my light,
Merry Christmas to all ... there was justice tonight !!

09-29-2005, 02:15 AM	#62
Slappy8800 Breathing is the hardest thing to do. Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Bloomfield NJ Age: 25 Posts: 9,273 Thanks: 0 Thanked 4 Times in 3 Posts	10 reasons why gay marriage is wrong 1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning. 2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall. 3) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans. 4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal. 5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed. 6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children. 7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children. 8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America. 9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children. 10) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract. i cannot take credit for this but it made me laugh :rofl3: __________________ "Hockey is like heroin. Only drug addicts do heroin. It's not like a recreational drug. Hockey is kind of the same way. Only hockey fans watch hockey."

10-09-2005, 04:53 PM	#63
Blitz The Big Zonk Join Date: Feb 2002 Posts: 7,439 Thanks: 0 Thanked 5 Times in 3 Posts	__________________

10-22-2005, 03:01 AM	#64
Blitz The Big Zonk Join Date: Feb 2002 Posts: 7,439 Thanks: 0 Thanked 5 Times in 3 Posts	"You don't have many suspects who are innocent of a crime." - Reagan Atty. Gen. Ed Meese __________________

11-22-2005, 06:05 AM	#65
Wildbill3 Making sure FinHeaven stays that way. Join Date: Dec 2001 Age: 30 Posts: 11,525 Thanks: 1,128 Thanked 678 Times in 364 Posts FH Badges Total Awards: 2	__________________

12-07-2005, 07:52 PM	#71
Jimmy James You sit on a throne of lies! Join Date: Oct 2003 Location: Southside Virginia Age: 33 Posts: 21,547 Thanks: 3 Thanked 14 Times in 13 Posts FH Badges Total Awards: 3	Scott Adams has some debating tips everyone here needs to read: http://dilbertblog.typepad.com/the_d...s_of_why_.html __________________ [img]http://************/POFO/pofomofo-warp.jpg[/img] I've got so many lawyers lined up to see me, you'd think I had tobacco leaking out of my breast implants. - Jimmy James

12-05-2005, 02:33 PM	#70
Blitz The Big Zonk Join Date: Feb 2002 Posts: 7,439 Thanks: 0 Thanked 5 Times in 3 Posts	National Holiday From Truth Tree

12-08-2005, 12:23 AM	#72
Blitz The Big Zonk Join Date: Feb 2002 Posts: 7,439 Thanks: 0 Thanked 5 Times in 3 Posts

12-09-2005, 08:30 PM	#73
ih8brady 2008 AFC East Champions Join Date: Feb 2005 Posts: 6,780 Thanks: 271 Thanked 463 Times in 326 Posts	A dennis Miller: Ya hear about the 60 year old woman who gave birth last week? You know how she could tell she was pregnant? She missed her Jurrasic Period. __________________

12-14-2005, 01:36 AM	#74
Blitz The Big Zonk Join Date: Feb 2002 Posts: 7,439 Thanks: 0 Thanked 5 Times in 3 Posts	Jolly St. Cheney

12-20-2005, 04:19 PM	#75
Pagan Gone Join Date: Aug 2002 Age: 47 Posts: 8,984 Thanks: 121 Thanked 1,388 Times in 905 Posts	Remember all those who would be "offended"....it's a joke. ******** Twas The Night Before Tookie's Christmas Twas several nights before Christmas and all through San Quentin, The crips were protesting, and all liberals were ventin' The poisons were hung by the chamber with care, In hopes that the Grim Reaper soon would be there. The inmates were nestled all snug in their bed, Well, except for Old Tookie, who soon would be dead. And me with my beer mug, dressed warm in my flannel, Had curled up to watch it, on the Fox News Channel. I set up my TIVO to record the news station, And thoroughly loved this momentous occasion. It seemed lady justice had gotten her way, And that there would be one less criminal with us today. When outside the jail there arose such a clatter, The cameras quickly turned to see what was the matter. When what to my civilized eyes did appear, But a lineup of actors, all liberal, half queer. The misguided freaks drew some curious looks, As they proclaimed his innocence, clutching his books. Then tears the flew from Sarandon's baggy eyes, As she nominated him again for the Nobel Peace Prize. The actors were tethered to an ACLU sleigh, All towing the line of the urban decay. On Asner! On Penn! On liberal cop-haters! On Sharpton! On Jesse! And other race-baiters! Then at 12:01 all curled up like a beetle, Tookie cried like a *** as they gave him the needle. When up from the actors there arose such a cry, They had failed in their mission, and Tookie DID DIE !! I heard Bill O'Reilly say, as I turned out my light, Merry Christmas to all ... there was justice tonight !!

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