Jaydog's Laugh Riot Thread

**Jaydog57** · 02-09-2002, 08:47 PM

Hey, decided to start another joke thread 'cause the other one was getting pretty big. Keep leavin' the funnies!:cool:

Bar Bet

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then says to the bar tender, "I'll bet you one-hundred bucks that I can pee in this cup from straight across the room." The bar tender says, "You're on." The guy then buys two more drinks, and puts his money on the table. The guy then goes across the room and pees all over the place not once getting it in the cup. The bar tender takes the money and smiles. The guy smiles back at him. The bar tender asks, "Why are you smiling? You just lost one-hundred bucks." The guy then says, "I bet everyone else in the bar one-thousand dollars that I could pee all over the place and make you smile!"

Magic Lamp
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. And for years and years they lived there, one day they find a magic lamp. They rub and rub and sure enough out comes a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one." So the brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life. I wish I was home.", and POOF she is gone. The redhead makes her wish, "This place stinks, I wish I was home with my family also.", and POOF she is gone. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie says to her, "My dear what is the matter?" The blonde replies, "I wish my friends were here."

:cool:

**dolfan06** · 02-09-2002, 08:59 PM

are there in a pair of panty hose?

10 piggies

2 calves

1 ass

1 *****

god knows how many hares

and a fish you can't find!

**dolfan06** · 02-10-2002, 08:12 PM

Osama bin Laden found a bottle on the beach and picked it up.

Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said
"Master, may I grant you one wish?"
"Do you know who I am? bin Laden said menacingly, "I don't need anything
from a woman except obedience. Now get out of my sight."
The genie pleaded "But master, I must grant you a wish or I will be
returned to this bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment. Then, he said, "I want to wake up in the morning
with three American women in my bed." Giving the genie an evil glare, he
hissed "Now get out of my sight!"
The genie said "So be it!" and disappeared back into the bottle.
The next morning, bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya
Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his leg was broken,
and he had no health insurance.
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**dolfan06** · 02-10-2002, 11:36 PM

there were 5000 mexicans at the alamo?

they only had two cars!
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**Jaydog57** · 02-11-2002, 12:08 AM

Chinese Menu, anyone for takeout?:cool:

**Jaydog57** · 02-11-2002, 12:13 AM

I wonder if I like it just because so many people hate it.
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**dolfan06** · 02-11-2002, 09:49 AM

Originally posted by Jaydog57
I wonder if I like it just because so many people hate it.
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i don't know how many people hate it, but it certainly has been around. i've had it cooped up in my download files for a couple years now, i thought it was funny, but you're right most people don't like it!
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**dolfan06** · 02-11-2002, 12:33 PM

> >A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father,
> >who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His
> >father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with
> >you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get
> >your hair cut and we'll talk about it."
> >
> >After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if
> >they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's
> >study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You
> >have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently,
> >but you didn't get your hair cut!"
> >
> >The young man waited and minute and replied, "You know Dad, I've been
> >thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long
> >hair, why even Jesus had long hair...."
> >
> >To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they
> >went!"

**dolfan06** · 02-11-2002, 12:35 PM

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing,?" she asked.

"Hunting flies," he responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, three males and two females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"

He responded, "Three were on the beer can, two were on the phone."

**dolfan06** · 02-11-2002, 12:54 PM

SOME REASONS WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS HARD TO LEARN

The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger, neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

Explore its paradoxes- quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it. hmmmmmmm?