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Thread: Hilarious letter to John Madden by worst rated player in Madden 07!

  1. -1
    FinNasty's Avatar
    "The Sticker Dunk"

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    Hilarious letter to John Madden by worst rated player in Madden 07!

    To try and raise some spirts around here... I found this and thought I would share it. Its freakin hilarious!
    www.thephatphree.com

    Posted: 10/11/2006 by: Juan Turlington

    To: John Madden
    CC: Electronic Arts Sports
    From: Ethan Albright
    Re: Being the worst rated player on Madden ‘07

    Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I’ll continue. I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is ******* bull**** and you should kiss my mother-******* ***. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his *** on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was sniffing 80.

    You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a ******* 12. I rate you a ******* 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever… except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery *** a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or something. Boom. Score one for Red Beard.

    It’s also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly **** and piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. ****, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as ******ed. Rod “He Hate Me” Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your ***. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of **** teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?

    I guess I just can’t fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out of the entire NFL. ****, man, there are some ****ty guys out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst.

    I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I don’t crash through a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 pounds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he’d look just like Jabba the Hut.

    John, you are such a ******* dick. I also noticed that my kick return rating was a 0. I was rated a ******* zero? So you feel that I shouldn’t even receive a 10, or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I couldn’t even fall forward on a ball kicked in my direction. I would just stand there and let the ball bounce off of my ******* face. **** that, John, I returned an onside kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have just slapped a - 4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me with paintball guns.

    Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone (21). **** me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Let’s see here, I think that Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen. While I’m at it, I can assign the passing ratings for offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide.

    I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put time into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both throwing power and accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The poor boy is not only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in sporadic directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife kicked my ***. This is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is far better than the other ratings, but I’m a ******* lineman, damn it. NFL Linemen are considered to be synonymous with toughness. According to your game, I am a ******ed, uncoordinated, *****-*** ****wad that can’t fall on a kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at manning up on a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose your mind more and more each year, old man.

    **** you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you consume for the rest of your life. If you **** with Ethan Albright, you call down the thunder.

    Rot in Hell,

    Ethan Albright
    The Future of Miami


    Where there's a will... There's a Wade...

    Quote Originally Posted by Wade after Game 3
    You know what is weird? My most confident point in the game was when we were down 13 points. I said to myself 'I'm not going out like this.'


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    Dolphins Fan!!!

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    That was good.
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    Scout Team

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    Thats awesome, simply awesome. Where did you get it?
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    adamprez2003's Avatar
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    Sign him up now. Just for the interviews alone
    Better than Chris Long and Vernon Gholston
    PHILLIP MERLING
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    Bruzer's Avatar
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    Yea I seen that a couple weeks ago. It was a pretty good laugh.
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    thejetssuck's Avatar
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    Funniest post EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    ShoNuff: Am I the meanest?
    Gang: ShoNuff!
    ShoNuff: Am I the prettiest?
    Gang: ShoNuff!
    ShoNuff: Am I the baddest mo-fo, low-down, around this town?
    Gang: ShoNuff!
    ShoNuff: Well, who am I?
    Gang: ShoNuff!
    ShoNuff: Who am I?
    Gang: ShoNuff!
    ShoNuff: I cant hear you!
    Gang: ShoNuff!
    ShoNuff: The Shogun of Harlem!
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    Waterlogged

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    This letter has officially been posted in every forum on this board. Most of them twice now.
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    Stitches's Avatar
    I love Mindwarp

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    He's just a bit late to the game Motion. They shold be merged by this point though.
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    It would be even funnier if it was real!
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    Waterlogged

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    Quote Originally Posted by Frisches13283
    He's just a bit late to the game Motion. They shold be merged by this point though.
    Might be hard to merge multi forum threads. I mean its only been posted here 3 times, the Lounge 2 times, VIP 2 times, and the Main Board countless times. I feel like it deserves a little more exposure.
    Quote Quote  

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