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Thread: Need some advice.

  1. -1
    Thumper1016's Avatar
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    Need some advice.

    OK this is a fist for me to come on here and ask for advice but I am need of other opinions. So this is my problem I have an older brother who lives with me and has for the last 7-8 years or so. And during this time he has been in the hospital twice for various health and mental conditions. He is bipolar and diabetic type. I am used to his normal ups and downs but when things are going bad for him he always threatens to move out. It normally ends with me or the wife talking some sense into and getting him to stay put and function as best he can as he does work. Well the other day he really insults the wife while I am at work and told her he was moving out on the 7 of July. So my home has been uncomfortable at best because of short kicking the **** out of him and throwing him out now which I REALLY REALLY want to do I know he wouldn't take his beating like a man but call the cops and press charges like the bitch he is. So I guess what I am asking is do I put my anger aside and bite the bullet again to keep him here where I know he can be monitored or do I throw his ungrateful ass out on the street. I am not one to turn on family but I am sick of this ****ty roller coaster that I have been on with him. So fellas give me some insight please.
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  2. -2
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    Meh ... IDK about beating wholesale ass on a family member for an insult. However, when the 7th rolls around - don't get mushy at the last minute. Let him split.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Thumper1016 View Post
    OK this is a fist for me to come on here and ask for advice but I am need of other opinions. So this is my problem I have an older brother who lives with me and has for the last 7-8 years or so. And during this time he has been in the hospital twice for various health and mental conditions. He is bipolar and diabetic type. I am used to his normal ups and downs but when things are going bad for him he always threatens to move out. It normally ends with me or the wife talking some sense into and getting him to stay put and function as best he can as he does work. Well the other day he really insults the wife while I am at work and told her he was moving out on the 7 of July. So my home has been uncomfortable at best because of short kicking the **** out of him and throwing him out now which I REALLY REALLY want to do I know he wouldn't take his beating like a man but call the cops and press charges like the bitch he is. So I guess what I am asking is do I put my anger aside and bite the bullet again to keep him here where I know he can be monitored or do I throw his ungrateful ass out on the street. I am not one to turn on family but I am sick of this ****ty roller coaster that I have been on with him. So fellas give me some insight please.
    Their is no law against two grown men consenting to a fight. Just have a recorder or something going to catch at the very least the audio of the situation. He must clear consent to the fight, and once he does beat away. Keep in mind once you win the fight you can not keep beating on him or that does become an assault (or worse) even though he consented to the fight in the first place. Ie - kicking him in the ribs after he is clearly down for the count.

    Also you can be arrested for causing a disturbance for a consent fight in a public place. So beat his ass in you basement or something like that.

    Keep in mind I do not live in your state.

    I am also not telling you to beat his butt. I am just typing is all .....
    Hi
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  4. -4
    TheWalrus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Thumper1016 View Post
    OK this is a fist for me to come on here and ask for advice but I am need of other opinions. So this is my problem I have an older brother who lives with me and has for the last 7-8 years or so. And during this time he has been in the hospital twice for various health and mental conditions. He is bipolar and diabetic type. I am used to his normal ups and downs but when things are going bad for him he always threatens to move out. It normally ends with me or the wife talking some sense into and getting him to stay put and function as best he can as he does work. Well the other day he really insults the wife while I am at work and told her he was moving out on the 7 of July. So my home has been uncomfortable at best because of short kicking the **** out of him and throwing him out now which I REALLY REALLY want to do I know he wouldn't take his beating like a man but call the cops and press charges like the bitch he is. So I guess what I am asking is do I put my anger aside and bite the bullet again to keep him here where I know he can be monitored or do I throw his ungrateful ass out on the street. I am not one to turn on family but I am sick of this ****ty roller coaster that I have been on with him. So fellas give me some insight please.
    No one who isn't there is qualified to give advice but one thing that occurred to me as I read this is that perhaps your brother is intentionally sabotaging his situation with you because on some deep level -- perhaps one he isn't even aware of -- he recognizes he's a burden and wants to relieve you of that. It could explain why he threatens to move out when things get rough. He can probably sense you and your wife's (natural) frustration -- even if you're trying to hide it -- and is channeling that into subconscious sabotage. Like I said, I don't know him. I do know people who are bipolar however and they are not mentally "ill" in the conventional sense. They're aware of their surroundings and perfectly able to make moral determinations.

    With a situation like this I think it gets down to: what are his options if he leaves? What are you prepared to live with re: his living situation? Are you prepared for him to be homeless? Living in abject squalor? I don't know what he's capable of on his own so I can't say what it would mean for him. But presumably there's a reason he's lived with you for this long. And presumably that reason hasn't changed.

    One thing to keep in mind is that there's a difference between an individual incident you can't forgive and the straw that broke the camel's back. I don't know which this truly is. I don't know you but -- as much as you want to do right by your brother -- you might be tired of this situation and looking for an exit route which this latest development is providing. I can't blame you for that. But I also don't know what you're willing and/or able to put up with your brother going through if he leaves.
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  5. -5
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    I have a good friend who's bi-polar and when in the manic mode he does things like having Realtors show him $5mil homes that he can't even come close to affording up on Mulholland Drive or thinking he can be the next Rachel Ray because he cooks well. When in his depressive mode he's gotten arrested for kicking a GF's door in and often just withdraws from life. These cycles have twice led his family to have to institutionalize him. The common denominator is when manic he believes he's over his issues and no longer needs to rely on any meds. Long way of saying that if your brother is truly diagnosed as Bi Polar, if he isn't on meds to level out his swings then he should be; otherwise his actions are likely irrational and not a reflection of his true self. Either way, going through life with this condition is a tough row to hoe - particularly if there is no one there to help keep his excesses in check.




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    Thumper, I hate that you are having to go through this but I do understand your frustration. Walrus and Vaark both had some excellent advice. I would avoid fighting but you absolutely need to protect your wife and your relationship with her first. She must be an amazing lady and love your brother as this isn't an easy situation. However, kicking your brother's butt just victimizes him and makes you and her the enemy. A stern conversation should suffice.

    As far as him moving out, that is a tough call. If being under your protection is stunting his growth as a person, then independence is not a bad thing. However, being bipolar, being unsupervised and alone can lead to horrible decisions. Unfortunately, because you love him, you will be trading one stress for another. You can't force him to stay but I sure wouldn't throw him out either.

    The meds are the key as they will keep him normalized as much as possible. Just make sure that he is taking them as he will surely feel better then promptly quit. Also, monitor his health as a lot of the meds have side effects and interactions. No matter what, you and your wife are in a tough spot. Just don't let the chaos in his head disrupt you two and your relationship.

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    There are some things that are for sure:

    One, that this living arrangement cannot continue. It's not working, it can escalate in the future, and he doesn't even want to live there.

    Two, unless you are your brother's actual caretaker, you have no control or responsibility for him.

    Having said that, you want the best thing for him and want to help in any way you can. What the best arrangement is, depends on his mental and physical condition. Like someone else said, bipolar is nothing, lots of people are bipolar and are high functioning. He could simply be someone very capable of taking care of himself, and just tends to use people (you) who allow themselves to be enablers. If that's what you are, you're not helping him, even if it feels like you are.

    So, the different living arrangement options I can think of, would be:

    1. He gets a little apartment, lives alone, maybe gets a therapy/companion dog.
    2. He lives in a bigger place with a roommate who is similarly situated.
    3. He lives in "mother in law quarters" in your house. This is an idea I thought of for the future, if you're looking long term to care for him. It would be something you would have to build. It's a way for the wife to not bump into him in the kitchen and living room all the time, he would have his own living space, and yet you can invite him over whenever you want, and if there's an argument he doesn't feel trapped and has his own domicile to retreat to.
    4. You buy a small place and rent it to him.
    5. He moves in with other relatives.
    6. He stays in a budget motel until he finds permanent living arrangements.

    What I would recommend, if he has some more severe personality/mental issues, is you look into what assistance there is from the state. There could be resources out there you don't know about. There could be free mental health assistance, or subsidy for housing, or at the least a free evaluation of him to proceed forward. I would make some calls between now and the 7th to see what's out there. Right now he's living with you but after the 7th it would be harder to convince him to speak to someone.


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    Quote Originally Posted by Buddy View Post
    As far as him moving out, that is a tough call. If being under your protection is stunting his growth as a person, then independence is not a bad thing. However, being bipolar, being unsupervised and alone can lead to horrible decisions.
    What I think, is that moving out is inevitable. The only question is under what circumstances will he move out. Will it be under a stressful, combative situation? Or will some planning allow for a better transition? 8 years is too long. Something needed to be done before now, and still does.

    I don't know if on the 7th this man will move out, or how his wife feels about that particular date. Maybe the best thing, and only if his wife is agreeable, is that he temporarily extends his stay, but under the agreement that other arrangements must be made, and everyone in the household is actively working toward that goal.
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    Thank you all for the replies. As for the meds he is on quite a few and he has been receiving them daily because my wife or myself follow and in most cases watch him take them. The problem is or at least in my eyes he thinks the meds should do everything and he has no control of himself what so ever. He is knows this is not the case as several doctors have already told him meds do so much the rest is up to you. As for the insults this is not the first time. It has happened many times over the years and my wife has always forgiven him and been there for him. When he was out of work it was us that worked harder to make sure he had everything he needed and wanted. We have always put him first and this is the thanks we get just pisses me off. My wife is tired of this mess and she has every right to say enough is enough. It hasn't come down to a "him or me" thing yet but it could and I do not want that. I at this moment am of the opinion what ever happens to him on the 7th is his doing, he has no other family to turn too because he destroyed those bridges years ago. We have always been his only support and I think that may be damaged beyond repair.
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    your wife sounds like a 1 in a million angel and deserves better. (and she wears her "nighty" well too )

    Bottom Line is you owe your allegiance to your life's partner if push unfortunately comes to shove
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