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Thread: Jokes ... NOT for the easily (or moderately) offended.

  1. -461
    Bumpus's Avatar
    Are you gonna drink that?

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    This letter was sent to the School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.

    Dear Lions Bay School,
    God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

    My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

    The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
    She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to **** off.

    Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

    God bless you all.

    Sincerely,
    Edna
    2014 Goals:
    1) Win the next game.
    2) See goal #1





    "The problem with internet quotes lies in verifying their authenticity."
    -Abraham Lincoln
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  2. -462
    Bumpus's Avatar
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    A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

    The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

    "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

    "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

    "Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

    A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

    "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

    "It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love," replies the wife.

    Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price."
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  3. -463
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    A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

    The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

    "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
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  4. -464
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    "Hello, is this the FBI?"

    "Yes. What do you want?"

    "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left... The phone rings at Billy Bob's house:

    "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

    "Yeah!"

    "Did they chop your firewood?"

    "Yep."

    "Happy Birthday, Buddy"
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  5. -465
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    One day this man was driving for hours through the country side and needed to go to the bathroom urgently. He sees an old store off the side of the road, pulls up and proceeds to the bathroom. When he was done dumping his captains log, he looked around and noticed to his shock there was no toilet paper and a sign on the wall - "Sorry, there is no toilet paper, but if you wipe your arse with your index and middle fingers and stick them in this hole they will be licked clean."

    The man thought to himself that that was nasty and that he was not going to do that. So he sits for a further hour trying to figure out what to do, and eventually realizes that although its nasty, that he would do it. So he wipes his arse with his fingers and sticks them in the hole. Then a man on the other side slams two bricks onto the mans fingers so hard the unbelievable pain causes him to shove his fingers in his mouth
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  6. -466
    cbreeden's Avatar
    Pimpin' ain't easy

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    Quote Originally Posted by Bumpus View Post
    A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well.

    Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
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  7. -467
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    A 90-year-old man is having his annual check-up.

    The doctor asks him how he is doing.

    "I've never been better!" he replies. "I have an 18 year old bride who is pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"

    The doctor considers this for a moment and then says: "Well, let me tell you a story: I know a guy who is an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day, he is in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, he walks in the woods near a creek and he spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. *BAM*, the beaver drops dead in front of him."

    "That's impossible!", says the old man in disbelief. "Someone else must have shot that beaver!"

    "Exactly!"
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