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Thread: Creative Insomnia (?)

  1. -1
    A&O's Avatar
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    THANKS Creative Insomnia (?)

    Insomnia hit me last night like a ton of bricks. Unable to sleep, I sat an wrote this:

    Arious was quickly becoming a desert planet. Water, the resource by which its inhabitant's survived, was depleting. Galna, an oceanic planet overseen by a royal committee of elders and guarded by mind benders- beings with an inborn ability to harness the unconscious state and turn mental visions into powerful weapons, had to be conquered at any cost. (Because of the lack of water in Arious, the moist, gill-bodied skins of its inhabitants were failing to secrete the mucus essential for respiratory cells to function in their lungs.) Millions had died through the ions and without the bountiful living water of Galna extinction was certain.

    Melvik, the last of the mind benders, stood atop the tallest peak of Galna. His adversary Xathros, the chief prophet of planet Arious, along with his fiercest fighters, emerged from the ocean depths to face Melvik on the apex of the cliff. Melvik and the Xathros regimen waited for the setting of the third sun in the western horizon. Once darkness shrouded the landscape war was to break out. Melvik's mind began to drift into a deep, dreamlike trance just before the invaders positioned themselves in battle formation. In Melvik's unconsciousness, the vision of a sword materialized. The sword was engulfed in white fire. From its point, thunderclaps echoed as root-like veins shot heavenward in a blink. It was the power of the mind bender, and it meant victory for Galna.

    Xathros men advanced toward Melvik, but before the first of Xathros warriors neared the mind bender, the rush of Xathro's battalions haulted. At once, in one single swing of his arms, hundreds of Xathro's brave fighters fell lifeless before Melvik's feet. At moments, Melvik appeared feeble in the sight of the Ariousean fighters, but Melvik felt strong because of the sword he wielded, a specter in the eyes of Xathro and his men. A sword with no substance; real only in the mind of Melvik...an invisible force that evoked the might of a myriad of fighting warriors.

    Once the sunrise of Galna's first sun shone over the peaks and mighty seas did an endless waste land become visible to Melvik and the blood drenched Xathros. Both were the sole survivors of the conflict. At a close distance from one another, Melvik and Xathro eyed each other with a measure of esteem.

    Soon after, a voice heralded the nearing of Galna's royal class upon the peaks of battle. A class of human-like immortals- beings adorned in precious gems and attired in pure white gowns that gently ruffled in the wicked gales of Galna. In suspended animation they drifted between the two fighters.

    Due to the gallant struggle between the foes, the sovereign royalty of Galna declared an alliance between the two worlds. The inhabitants of Arious would be granted a generous amount of life saving water at the end of every solar orbit. In turn Melvik was to be reunited with his fellow mind benders in resurrected vitality. Peace between the races was forever established and both planets continued in harmonious balance.
    I know that it's full of grammatical blunders but hey, I wrote it raw: no editing whatsoever. Give me a quick critique.

    Thanks!
    Any time you try to win everything, you must be willing to lose everything. Larry Csonka

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    A&O's Avatar
    '72 Perfection!

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    It would really be important if some of you guys to tell me if this story makes you somewhat curious about reading it (with detail) as a full, completed story. I need to know in order proceed ahead with a manuscript for later submission.

    I do not normally write in this genre (my genre is typically Magical Realism), so I need to have options set prior to beginning the (possible) project. Your honest input will be greatly appreciation.

    Thank you again.

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    GoonBoss's Avatar
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    I would say your are heavy on "Telling" rather than "Showing". Frankly, you lost me within the first few lines.


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