At the top of the page:
Let's say your friend tells you a story about a wild night he had with some sexy lady. That might give you a mental image of him and the girl having sex, and you might find that a turn-on. But when it comes to fappin' time, what do you do? I'll tell you what most men do: They tag their friend out of the fantasy and jump into the fray themselves. They don't want to keep their friend in the fantasy because then, technically, they're fapping TO their friend, which causes all sorts of conflicted feelings and gay panic.
and farther down the page:
The food at the Jr. High I teach at is atrocious, so most days I pack my lunch. When I'm too lazy to make lunch I usually settle with a crappy salami sandwich. Salami makes my ass reek of rotten eggs and sour milk for about 2 hours after lunch. Holding in a fart is the worst feeling in the world, and middle schoolers are the worst people on the planet, so I just let them rip as I walk through the classroom as punishment for being such little cocksuckers all day.
and even farther down the page:
What is the best brand and strength of talcum powder AND how do you apply to your undercarriage without making your fellow inhabitants think you have a cataclysmic coke problem?
and this...this is just pricless:
What is the pecking order among athletes within the Olympic village? You've got to assume that the NBA players, and any recognizable names (Bolt, Phelps etc) are at the top, and that anybody who has ever ridden a horse is at the bottom.
1. Have you finished competing? If you're done competing, then that means you have time to get drunk and have sex with other people. Michael Phelps has this entire week off. He could lay waste to that village for the next seven days if he chose to.
2. Did you medal? Because no one wants to blow a seventh place finisher. But get a gold medal in even one of the boring sports like rowing and people are gonna talk to you. After all, loogit those rowing boners!
3. Can you speak a fairly common language such as English? It's gonna be hard for you to socialize if you speak in a regional Romanian dialect that's comprehensible to exactly three other people in the village, two of whom are related to you.
4. Do you live in a free country? Something tells me the Chinese government isn't exactly keen on letting its medalists smoke pot in the Mexicans' dorm room.
5. Do you have teammates? Having teammates to pal around the village with makes you look cool and popular. The poor skeet shooter from Latvia who doesn't know anyone is really gonna feel left out. It's not fair. And finally ...
6. Are you attractive? It kinda matters.
and at the bottom of the page:
All this Olympic mumbo-jumbo and gymnastics coverage has me focused on one important issue: waxing. Those girls have to wax, right? There's no way they can wear those leotards and pull off those stunts without having a serious, foolproof and perfectly bare floor. But I've yet to see so much as a slight stubble. So the real question I have is, who, when, and where?
Is there a particular waxer that has a monopoly over giving post-pubescent gymnasts floor waxes? How do the girls find out about said waxer? And wouldn't that be a particularly awkward conversation with the parents-"Sooooo, mom, the carpet is beginning to get a little shaggy and my teammates have told me there's this guy...he drives a van...his business is called Gold Medal Grooming..." I'd like to point out that I'm female and therefore this question isn't quite as creepy. Emphasis on "quite."