I've been wanting to spread some christmas cheer around the neighborhood lately. Saturday I rented an economy sized van. Late Sunday evening I took a drive out to the local mission/homeless shelter/soup kitchen. I picked up 8 bums to go caroling with me around my neighborhood. I brought them some pimento cheese sandwiches and diet sodas in a styrofoam cooler that I picked up at the local Publix near my home. You could tell these individuals were excited. They smelled to high heavens but I just knew it would be a good time. We went back to my neighborhood and headed down the street to this lawyer's house. Now I don't really like this guy because he's a rich douchebag who just thinks he's better than everyone and that gets on my nerves. He left his driveway gate open so I pulled right in and parked on his bermuda grass and made sure the homeless people trampled his lawn on their way up the porch. I had this homeless lady who smelled like she had freshly crapped herself on the drive over knock on his door. When this guy answered we began singing deck the halls. I've never heard such dysfunction in all of my life. These people had never been in a church choir like I have and I don't think any of these bums had a full set of teeth in their mouth. All the drugs and alcohol these people had consumed over their lifetime had caused their speech to be slurred. Just pathetic singing all around but I joined in with a big grin on my face. You could tell that this guy was aggravated from the start. It wasn't long and he insisted that we stop. He said he was going to call the cops out there and I laughed in his face. I asked him what kind of person he would be if he called the police on some christmas carolers. He really got mad when the homeless guy with the cane sat down on his porch swing to rest hi. Anyhoo, I had my fun for the night but as we were leaving I "accidentally" bumped into one of the homeless guys going down the steps and caused him to fall into that lawyer's potted perennials that he had growing. Pathetic little shrubs I tell you. I gave those homeless people $15 a piece and dropped them off at a convenience store. We know what they probably did with that money. No one cares, though. I'm a better man for it.