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Thread: God's Customer Survey Form

  1. -1
    dolphan39's Avatar
    Maria & LauRen Aha!

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    God's Customer Survey Form

    God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

    1. How did you find out about God?
    ___ Newspaper
    ___ Bible
    ___ Torah
    ___ Book of Mormon
    ___ Koran
    ___ Other Book
    ___ Television
    ___ Divine Inspiration
    ___ Word of mouth
    ___ Dead Sea scrolls
    ___ My mama done tol' me
    ___ Near Death Experience
    ___ National Public Radio
    ___ Tabloid
    ___ Burning Shrubbery
    ___ Who?
    ___ Other (specify): _____________


    2. Which model God did you acquire?
    ___ Yahweh
    ___ Jehovah
    ___ Allah
    ___ Just plain God
    ___ Krishna
    ___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)
    ___ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak)
    ___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak)
    ___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
    ___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god


    3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all
    parts in good working order and with
    no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

    __ Yes __ No

    If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
    (Please check all that apply.)

    ___ Not eternal
    ___ Not omniscient
    ___ Not omnipotent
    ___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
    ___ Permits sex outside of marriage
    ___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
    ___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
    ___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
    ___ Requires burnt offerings
    ___ Requires virgin sacrifices
    ___ Plays dice with the universe


    4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God?
    (Please check all that apply.)

    ___ Indoctrinated by parents
    ___ Needed a reason to live
    ___ Indoctrinated by society
    ___ Needed target for rage
    ___ Imaginary friend grew up
    ___ Hate to think for self
    ___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
    ___ Fear of death
    ___ To piss off parents
    ___ Needed a day away from work
    ___ Enjoy organ music
    ___ Needed focus on whom to despise
    ___ Needed to feel morally superior
    ___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
    ___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it


    5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?
    (Please check all that apply.)

    ___ Self-help books
    ___ Tarot, Astrology
    ___ Star Trek re-runs
    ___ Fortune cookies
    ___ Ann Landers
    ___ Psychic Friends Network
    ___ Dianetics
    ___ Cold fusion
    ___ Playboy and/or Playgirl
    ___ Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll
    ___ Biorhythms
    ___ Area 57 (Art Bell)
    ___ EST
    ___ Television
    ___ Mantras
    ___ Jimmy Swaggart
    ___ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
    ___ Human Sacrifice
    ___ Wandering around in desert
    ___ Burning shrubbery
    ___ Other:_____________________


    6. Have you ever worshiped a false God before? Is so, which false God were you fooled by?
    (Please check all that apply.)

    ___ Odin
    ___ Cthulhu
    ___ Lottery
    ___ Baal
    ___ Beelzebub
    ___ The Almighty Dollar
    ___ The Conservative Right
    ___ Mick Jagger
    ___ Bill Gates
    ___ Art Bell
    ___ The Great Pumpkin
    ___ Ronald Reagan
    ___ A burning cabbage
    ___ Mushrooms
    ___ Other: ________________


    7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced
    level of felt presence and blind faith. Would you prefer (circle one only)

    a. More Divine Intervention
    b. Less Divine Intervention
    c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
    d. Don't know - what's Divine Intervention?


    8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.
    Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God's handling of the following:
    (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent)

    Disasters:

    1 2 3 4 5 Flood
    1 2 3 4 5 Famine
    1 2 3 4 5 Earthquake
    1 2 3 4 5 War
    1 2 3 4 5 Pestilence
    1 2 3 4 5 Plague
    1 2 3 4 5 AOL
    1 2 3 4 5 Republican Congress
    1 2 3 4 5 Jerry Lewis
    1 2 3 4 5 Dubya
    1 2 3 4 5 My present relationship
    1 2 3 4 5 My last relationship

    Miracles:

    1 2 3 4 5 Rescues
    1 2 3 4 5 Spontaneous remissions
    1 2 3 4 5 Crying statues
    1 2 3 4 5 Water changing to wine
    1 2 3 4 5 Walking on water
    1 2 3 4 5 Stars hovering over towns
    1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
    1 2 3 4 5 Clear and competent statements by the President
    1 2 3 4 5 My present relationship
    1 2 3 4 5 My last relationship


    9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5
    (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):

    1 2 3 4 5 God's Courtesy
    1 2 3 4 5 Answers to your prayers
    1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met?
    1 2 3 4 5 How are your shrubs doing?

    10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach additional sheet(s) if necessary.)



    Thank you.
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  2. -2
    Finheaven.com Staff Writer

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    How dare you?

    I guess you have no regard to christians, because this is a complete mockery of what I believe in. How dare you make fun of my belief like that? Obviosuly you can say what ever you want, but have some respect for others. I know you meant it as a joke, but it's a very disrespectful one at that. I would appriciate it if you would no never do some of that sort again.
    Miguel Lorenzo
    Staff Writer :migs:
    Fin Heaven & Co.

    "I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders"
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  3. -3
    dolphan39's Avatar
    Maria & LauRen Aha!

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    Re: How dare you?

    please be more specific

    and of course it is a joke what do you think that the results are supposed to be forwarded somewhere
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  4. -4
    HofCityFan's Avatar
    Premium Member

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    I thought it was very funny did you make it up or did you find it somewhere else. I would love to pass it out at my church and see what people would answer
    What You Lack In Talent Makeup For It With Effort !!!
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  5. -5
    dolphan39's Avatar
    Maria & LauRen Aha!

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    Originally posted by HofCityFan
    I thought it was very funny did you make it up or did you find it somewhere else. I would love to pass it out at my church and see what people would answer
    It was forwarded to me by my Rabbi in his weekly Shabbat-O-Gram
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  6. -6
    Capt. Dick's Avatar
    Deep Sea Wanderer

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    I thought it was funny.

    Migs....shhhhhhhhh
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  7. -7
    Phinnish's Avatar
    Starter

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    Was that Carlin ? Sure sounds like his style..
    Phinnish
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  8. -8
    Finheaven.com Staff Writer

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    well sorry guys, I just found it a little offensive at first. Now I see it's a little funny. Sorry for jumping to conclusions dolphan 39
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  9. -9
    harmonkoz's Avatar
    Fishsticks anyone?

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    Who's God?
    Who is better Marino or Elway?
    I would say Marino, unless if you happened to be playing against Jim Kelly. Since Marino was Kelly's b****--You would have to go with Elway.
    -harmonkoz 2004

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  10. -10
    Waterlogged

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    Originally posted by harmonkoz


    Who's God?
    Only you harmon....
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